Settling.

February 3, 2013

I don't think anyone likes to settle or be settled for. The problem is though a lot of people who don't want to settle rarely have much to offer. "I want a hot, kind, successful this that person and all I'm bringing to the table is a crooked penis". Doesn't work that way.

At the end of the day though, do what makes YOU happy. If settling makes you happy do it, if not, don't.

February 3, 2013

Yes, I feel most men settle and are in relationships where they arent really satisfied because they dont feel they have alot of options. I dont think men should settle for both themselves, and their partners (having been the person who has almost settled and been settled for, neither way feels good). Im not really sure why I cant believe both of those things

Edited February 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 3, 2013

Ugh, I hate when the dating board asserts that married people have settled, and that "all" married men want hotter women.

When you meet someone who lights you up on all levels, you aren't settling. Often, that person isn't the most attractive, or the wealthiest, or whatever other thing you thought you were looking for in a mate. But here he/she is, and you just can't get enough of them.

Sure, some married people have settled. But a whole lot are simply in love with their average mate.

February 3, 2013

I think people need to be a lot more open to "settling." Not necessarily in the short term; if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't excite you on day 1, then that's a problem. And it's also possible to settle too much, just taking the first guy or girl to accept you because you think it's time to get married or have kids or what have you.

But at the same time, I think it's important to recognize that no matter how awesome the girl or guy you marry is, there is someone out there who is more handsome, funnier, more intelligent, more beautiful. And I don't just mean that abstractly; I mean from your perspective, there will be some guy out there who you find more handsome than your eventual husband. Or funnier than your eventual wife. I say this with confidence because there are 7 billion people in the world, and you've met some incredibly tiny fraction of them.

I feel the opposite of many in this thread. Settling can also be a bad thing for the reasons many have mentioned, I'm not arguing against that. But at the same time, I think it's important to recognize that it's impossible not to settle, simply because there is no way to marry a person who is simultaneously the smartest, funniest, nicest, and most handsome person in the world. No such person exists, and even if he did, the odds of you finding him amongst the 7 billion alive are ridiculously low.

I suspect part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in the US is that everyone is expecting perfection, and when it turns out that your spouse is just another person -- even if he's a pretty great person, he's not perfect -- and people become disillusioned and unhappy.

February 3, 2013

I think people need to be a lot more open to "settling." Not necessarily in the short term; if your boyfriend or girlfriend doesn't excite you on day 1, then that's a problem. And it's also possible to settle too much, just taking the first guy or girl to accept you because you think it's time to get married or have kids or what have you.

But at the same time, I think it's important to recognize that no matter how awesome the girl or guy you marry is, there is someone out there who is more handsome, funnier, more intelligent, more beautiful. And I don't just mean that abstractly; I mean from your perspective, there will be some guy out there who you find more handsome than your eventual husband. Or funnier than your eventual wife. I say this with confidence because there are 7 billion people in the world, and you've met some incredibly tiny fraction of them.

I feel the opposite of many in this thread. Settling can also be a bad thing for the reasons many have mentioned, I'm not arguing against that. But at the same time, I think it's important to recognize that it's impossible not to settle, simply because there is no way to marry a person who is simultaneously the smartest, funniest, nicest, and most handsome person in the world. No such person exists, and even if he did, the odds of you finding him amongst the 7 billion alive are ridiculously low.

I suspect part of the reason the divorce rate is so high in the US is that everyone is expecting perfection, and when it turns out that your spouse is just another person -- even if he's a pretty great person, he's not perfect -- and people become disillusioned and unhappy.

I agree but alot of people "settling" dont think that positively. When I talked about settling in this thread I didnt mean ignoring little things about someone you love or people who have spouses that they adore like xxoo said...I mean people who are really not satisfied in their relationships but they think they cant do better/they dont want to be alone/theyre comfortable or do want to start over.

Settling, in the context Ive heard people use it, is a negative term. I feel theres a difference between settling and liking someone alot but letting go of smaller or more unimportant things...

February 3, 2013

I feel theres a difference between settling and liking someone alot but letting go of smaller or more unimportant things...

Everyone needs to let some things go. No one is perfect!

The ideal is to have someone you feel you can't live without, but whom you can also live with.

February 3, 2013

I've read your posts here. You're a pretty typical dude in PUA community who feels that he's entitled to a woman who is far better looking than you are, correct?

Settling to you is dating somebody who is about as attractive as yourself

Boy do you have Castle pegged wrong.

You MUST have him confused with someone else.

February 3, 2013

Im not talking about girls hotter than you, Im talking about the hottest girl you could possibly get. All guys strive for that and any guy who says he isnt is lying. The difference is most men dont have those kind of options so they usually settle for one that doesnt meet their standards. Smart men are realistic in what they can attain

Guys bang girls too hot for them all the time, youre right...thats because girls dont care as much about looks.

Tell me, do you "consistently bang" girls not hot enough for you? Doubt it...girls do though-

I strive for a girl I find sexy and who connects with me on an emotional level. If the hottest girl I could get doesnt connect with me on an emotional level, I wont want to be with her in the long term and would be much more crazy attracted to the "lesser attractive" girl who gets my heart going.

But by virtue of getting my heart going, the "lesser attractive" girl would be the hottest to me. Ive said this before, my last ex wasnt the most empirically hottest girl Ive slept with...but she was the hottest girl in my eyes and in my heart. She got me turned on like no one else has to date. And Ive been with women who most guys would say looked better than her.

So much for your theory.

February 3, 2013

I strive for a girl I find sexy and who connects with me on an emotional level. If the hottest girl I could get doesnt connect with me on an emotional level, I wont want to be with her in the long term and would be much more crazy attracted to the "lesser attractive" girl who gets my heart going.

But by virtue of getting my heart going, the "lesser attractive" girl would be the hottest to me. Ive said this before, my last ex wasnt the most empirically hottest girl Ive slept with...but she was the hottest girl in my eyes and in my heart. She got me turned on like no one else has to date. And Ive been with women who most guys would say looked better than her.

So much for your theory.

You are far more thoughtful than the majority of men I know. Your standards for dating are higher and thats a good thing...

February 4, 2013

It depends on your definition of "settling". After my 2 LTR, I wanted to explore the dating world and met quite a few successful, attractive young men. While I've had fun for a while, I must say that most of the times, the good looking guys (i mean above the average) were so used to having things easy, from the attention of a girl, to a girl, that they forget to enjoy the moment. I hate to be considered as mass market good .

And let's not forget the "me" speeches, where the guys explains in detail his background, his job, his position, his future outcome, etc, without even asking me where I work. Lovely!!

February 4, 2013

This is what I mean though, for all guys you need a super hot girlfriend + the personality
Most guys as they grow up realize having a hot girlfriend isnt enough...they realize they need the hotness PLUS the personality

Most women if the personality is there, he can be average looking and theyll be fine.

Guys do place more importance on looks

Yeah, there's no questioning that. Maybe it's just nature or whatever, I don't know... but a guy is going to be attracted to a pretty girl. I don't think its a BAD thing... we're wired that way. Women are too, but maybe to a lesser degree.

But having said that... the more you date, the more you learn what works for you... I mean, I know a lot better now than 10 years ago if a girl is gonna be right for me or not now. I know what I'm looking for. 10 years ago I'd probably judge her purely on looks and not care if she was nice to me or not. But I've had those relationships and they didn't work. To be honest, my last girlfriend was an absolute stunner... A 10 in my eyes if you want to use that scale. But her personality just didn't click with mine. We seemed to have different ideas of being in a relationship and her attitude sucked at times. Eventually I had to cut my losses and it sucked but I knew it was right.

Having said that, I've met a girl lately who... while is definitely are REALLY pretty girl, I was actually attracted to her because when I met her I just had TONS of fun with her. Something clicked in my head like "Hey, this is so much fun hanging with her, not like my last girlfriend who I seemed to be chasing and always dealing with drama"....

That's why I feel it's good to date more than 1 person. Even if you aren't totally in love with someone from the first second, their personality will often win you over. And if not it's good experience, you've met someone you DON'T click with and it's easier to spot next time, you won't just date someone and overlook something you know isn't right for you.

February 4, 2013

There is one lesson from school which has stayed with me for life. "Perfection is the mortal enemy of good enough". Just about all of us "settle" we are just smart enough not to tell our partners that we did.

February 4, 2013

There is one lesson from school which has stayed with me for life. "Perfection is the mortal enemy of good enough". Just about all of us "settle" we are just smart enough not to tell our partners that we did.

I'm sorry, I think that's a horrible attitude and very unfair to enter any sort of long term relationship with someone you feel that way about. Very selfish.

February 4, 2013

Define settling. If it is being with somebody I have no feelings for then no I would never do it but if it is accepting that not a thing in life is perfect and accepting a 95% good relationship then yes I would.

Also I have not settled for my wife. After my first marriage ended I swore up and down I would never marry again but she convinced me otherwise. How can anybody be better than somebody who could change my mind like that?

February 4, 2013

I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately myself.

In the past I settled a lot and nothing ever worked out in the long run. Those initial doubts always lingered in my head and kept me from giving my all.

Since my ex and I broke up almost a year ago, I've dated a bit but nothing has held my interest. I always end up breaking it off rather quickly. I analyze everything to the point where it seems almost unhealthy. In my head I try to fit this person into my life, and if I can't in any way, I feel the need to end it.

Just this past week I was hanging out with a girl I met recently. She is into everything that I am into. Shes really fun to hang out with, but I'm not really physically attracted to her. Shes not ugly by any means, but something is just "missing". Anyways, she asked me to go out to eat with her and started telling me how much she likes me and has always thought I was hot etc... I really didn't know how to respond so I sort of didn't at all. She came over after and we watched a movie and ended up kissing a bit. She actually asked me if she could stay over and I said that its not a good idea...

The next day I just kept thinking about her. The more I did the more I thought of how I couldn't see myself with her. If I meet the right girl, I'm going to know it. I'll be thinking about her non-stop. I'll want to be around her all the time. They don't have to be a supermodel either. Its just a feeling I get.

I'm not saying anyone should be like me. Its just at this point in my life and throughout my relationship experience, I don't want to be with anyone unless the fit perfectly in my life.

Maybe I'll end up alone forever, or maybe I'll end up with someone perfect for me. I don't see much in between at the moment...

February 4, 2013

Do you guys get to the point in dating where you feel settling is necessary?

Everybody settles. Humans are ALL hopelessly flawed beings. However, some manage to look better on paper because they conform well to societal norms.

February 4, 2013

Loving an imperfect partner does not mean settling.

Haven't you ever been with someone you just couldn't get enough of, flaws and all?

Anyway, the honeymoon period is the time for glossing over flaws that don't really drive you crazy until you are already married

February 4, 2013

Loving an imperfect partner does not mean settling.

Haven't you ever been with someone you just couldn't get enough of, flaws and all?

Sometimes the flaws are what make the person so irresistible!

February 4, 2013

well, this depends... most women will never "settle" with guys, if you want a house your need to have someone else so might settle, then cheat.

I like my toys so i am with someone (who doesn’t "like" sex (at least with me)) so we have a house and i have my toys.... its not a good situation, but then needing decimals if millions to buy a house isnt good either.

If money was removed from the situation, i think you would find millions single and not with someone they "needed" to be with.

February 4, 2013

For me, settling means being with someone I'm not really in love with just because it's convenient and easy. I've had a lot of opportunities, but I just can't do it.

Now that I'm single, this guy I dated last year is trying to get me to go out with him again. He seems very into me, and he's pretty much got it all, including being financially set for life. He's ready to get married and have a family, and with him I would never have to worry about money again, or even work if I didn't want to. He's also cute, fit, smart, fun, and all that jazz, and we get along very well. But I just don't feel it for him.

Sometimes I wish I could be more calculating and less passionate. Seems it could make my life a lot easier. But that's just not me.

February 4, 2013

What if the choice is between settling and being alone?

Isn't it better to have someone than to be alone forever?

I think I have pretty much chosen being alone forever, and I feel quite happy actually.

February 4, 2013

Do you guys get to the point in dating where you feel settling is necessary?

Not until I;m 47 and tried everything i could. At that point I will just settle down with a plus size professional white woman and make the best of it

For now I have some time left at 37 and will try to meet a nice attractive 29/30 year old

February 4, 2013

Great after work read everyone Lots to think about. Thanks

February 8, 2013

Just signed on because I have been thinking about this for awhile now. I think the idea of settling starts having a larger impact as I got older (I'm 35 now). Now I think back to the old days when I was younger and all the missed opportunities because I was picky about this or that. Or sometimes because I didn't have the balls to ask the girls out.

I start realizing a bunch of things in the background and then the thought of settling creep up to me. For instance, things like: other friends tying the knots, realizing that the pool of decent available women getting slimmer, my mortality and the idea that I wouldn't have a life-long companion.

Also, the thought of my last ex from 3 years ago is still on my mind because I really thought she was "the one" and I let her go. So far, as hard as it is for me to not compare, I haven't quite met a girl who I feel is as good as or better than her. I'm 99% sure that I will feel like I'm "settling" with whoever I'm with. How do you guys get out of that thinking?

February 8, 2013

I think the main problem guys have is the memory of being with a beautiful woman. If you've ever been with one or you've ever been in love with one its a very difficult thing to give up. That elusive memory acts like crack to guys. We know it when we see it and becomes very difficult to accept anything less.

Most people I know consider it a sign of maturity to settle. I personally don't.

I'm in it for the long haul

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Settling.

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