SmithM Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I've recently found out that I was cheated on by my husband of 7 years. Four years ago, only 3 yrs into our marriage and when our second child was only 2 months old, he starred an affair with a woman who had just left his company. She had a child the same age as our second, and in the first phase of their affair, there were over 500 emails where they discussed a lot of sex, but also our kids, her family and ours, he even swore on the life of our kids to promise her something!* It took them 1.5 years to have sex for the first time, and it only happened twice according to their emails. There were also phone calls they mentioned in emails, phone sex, but either he or her always backed out of sex dates for more sex. Now there are newer emails, from last year. They're going back and forth, but now he goes after her, she says no... Then she asks him to get back together, and he asks her to see her once a week?! But all the emails now are about scheduling sex, and he's been getting out of phone sex.* In the past, he got out of seeing her in person and talked a lot. Now, he wants to see her all the time and do less talking. They both insist it's only a sex affair.* Are they more involved now that he wants to escalate the physical affair? Or were they more involved when the affair had more conversation but less physical contact? I know this shouldn't matter for now but it does. 1
Author SmithM Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 One thing I didn't mention is in his new emails he drills her about her husband, her sex life, compares himself to her husband, asks about her sexual history. Etc. In older emails, none of that. The last contact between them was 2 weeks ago after she texted him... He said he "missed her mouth" and told her to let him know when she wanted to see him, he'd change his schedule even if it was that day... She didn't reply. It was a text.
Minnie09 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 He's infatuated with her. She knows it and strings him along for attention. She knows that he puts her first and holds her in high regard. He would do anything to be with her. You're his default choice, and as soon as she makes herself available to him entirely, ie leaves her M to be with him, you're out. This will never happen, though, because she's smarter than that. She knows she can only now have her cake and eat it, too. If she committed herself to your H, the undivided attention she gets from him would be over a year down the road. She has the best arrangement right now. She won't change that for anything. Unless her H were to find out. If that happens: bubble bursts. Your H gets dumped, or, if her H kicks her to the curb, your H gets chosen. See, nothing in this scenario is in your H's power, hence nothing is in your power either. He's getting played, you're getting played as a result. She directs YOUR life. Only YOU can put a stop to that. You should put your foot down, confront him and kick him out. You have absolutely nothing nothing nothing to lose!*
Author SmithM Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 I did confront him! Weeks ago! He convinced me that she was just sex because the 4 years happened intermittently, but they met for sex 2 months ago for the 3rd time in 4 years. Then the last contact from texts two weeks ago, which she initiated. She had told them in emails after their last "sex encounter" she would "let him know when" she felt like seeing him... Then the texting I described in the 1st post happened but she never wrote back after he asked for a date/time. He doesn't know I know about this further contact yet. I just can't figure out if he's more or less involved now, he only seems interested in meeting for sex rather than talking about it (emails, phone like in the past). Which could mean he's telling the truth about her being just sex, which he did when I confronted him. I'm in therapy and gathering the strength to leave him, but that won't happen soon - there are other issues at hand. I'm trying to figure out his level of involvement and I feel my two close friends are not being straightforward when we talk, it's more as if they're trying to spare my feelings, do I thought this forum would be good for that, since posts are anonymous. I know his level of involvement shouldn't matter but it does. 1
Spark1111 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 So it's about sex, and it's about sex again. does it matter? it's wrong and hugely disrespectful to you. How would he feel IF you devoted all that time, attention, flirty emails about wanting sex with another man? Devastated I would hope. I think your friends are sugar coating their responses because they sense you do not intend to leave him yet, so would be the point? here's my point: Tell him you intend to leave his scummy, sex wanting azz as soon as you are strong enough to do so. keep a copy of all his texts somewhere safe. You may need them someday, like at your divorce attorney's office. Send copies to her husband as soon as possible, and maybe his family and your's too. Attach them to an email telling all of your impending separation and if anyone would like to pick him up, he and his clothes are not all over the front lawn. If there are no takers, lock your front door and call him a cab.
ComingInHot Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 SmithM; How "close" are you and your H? Did you believe you & your H were faithful and devoted to each other for life? I'm trying to get a feel for WHY, when confronted, he admitted (however minimized) but keeps contacting like it's no big deal. I'd like to believe I'm missing some of the detail and I don't want to offer anything up til I understand your situation more* But... w/out knowing the situation, and knowing Most men's arrogance, I would say he believes you'd Never cheat on him because he's the "bomb", the "Mack daddy" of the bedroom. It would explain his emails making sure OW acknowledges he's So much better than her husband... SOOooooooo, I'm thinking (& again, I don't know much about your stitch) purpose that if he doesn't have a problem going outside the M then Open Marriage it shall be* See how that sits w/him. Maybe a wake-up call?
AbeNormal Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) I've recently found out that I was cheated on by my husband of 7 years. Four years ago, only 3 yrs into our marriage and when our second child was only 2 months old, he starred an affair with a woman who had just left his company. She had a child the same age as our second, and in the first phase of their affair, there were over 500 emails where they discussed a lot of sex, but also our kids, her family and ours, he even swore on the life of our kids to promise her something!* It took them 1.5 years to have sex for the first time, and it only happened twice according to their emails. There were also phone calls they mentioned in emails, phone sex, but either he or her always backed out of sex dates for more sex. Now there are newer emails, from last year. They're going back and forth, but now he goes after her, she says no... Then she asks him to get back together, and he asks her to see her once a week?! But all the emails now are about scheduling sex, and he's been getting out of phone sex.* In the past, he got out of seeing her in person and talked a lot. Now, he wants to see her all the time and do less talking. They both insist it's only a sex affair.* Are they more involved now that he wants to escalate the physical affair? Or were they more involved when the affair had more conversation but less physical contact? I know this shouldn't matter for now but it does. I found reading that (everything really, but specifically that in bold) to be very, very upsetting. Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Edited February 18, 2013 by AbeNormal 1
summerdowling87 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Maybe she knows he she has him wrapped around her fingers and she doesn't need to have sex with him. But...... I bet he would sleep with her if she let him.
ver13 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 You stated that you already confronted him and he told you that it was only about sex? Look the email, text etc... thing is way out of control tell him to cut it off or get out. If he wants to go let him, if he wants to stay then go to MC so that you can work it out if thats possible. Who care what the extent of their relationship is all you need to worry about is your family first and you. If your H can't get his priorities in order do it for him and her if she needs a little help I'm sure her H will help out once he finds out...
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