Staying on the Right Path

[JD89]

Hello everyone, I have been lurking around this and other similar sites for awhile. While some of the posts been helpful, I wanted to share my recent experience to an objective audience. I apologized if this becomes long winded. It has taken me some time to build up the courage to write this on a public forum.

 

I recently experienced a breakup with my first girlfriend almost five months ago. My girlfriend and I had been together for almost four years and were friends for five. We started dating when we were in college. When she and I graduated, we decided to attend grad school together.

 

She and I moved all the way across the country to California for grad school. The first year gave us our fair share of personal trials and tragedies to overcome. Also, plans we had made to stay in the city fell through and we had to come back home for the summer. Despite this, I thought we left school on a great note and stronger bond.

 

She and I were to return to California to start our second year together refreshed and better than before. But no more than two days back at school, she broke up with me. She told me that she wants me to date other women, and that she was scared and confused. I was utterly confused by this. I assumed that it wasn't really a breakup, but that she just needed space to figure stuff out before we moved forward.

 

I still loved her and looked to her as a friend. We still hung out and talked with no hard feelings. Then the worst happened. I discovered that she went on Facebook and talked about me. She even criticized my mother during her conversation. I was devastated when I read it and it threw me into a rage. I felt like she spit in my face. It took me over an hour before I was calm enough to confront her about it. The next day she came to talk about what she did and she apologized for it. While I was still upset, I was happy to continue my friendship with her. At least, this is what I thought.

 

By this time, I had no roommate at all. Being that we live in the same dorm building, she would either call me up to hang out with her and her roommates, or she would come up to my room to check in. This soon wore thin on me. I felt a growing resentment towards my ex. So much that I caught myself starting to be mean to her. Eventually I sat her down and told her how I felt. She told me that she did not mean to hurt me. She also said that she did not break up with me to date other people. The conversation ended with me telling her that I want to be fair and separate myself from her for a while. I told her that there is a chance we can move forward but I need to heal.

 

I entered into a very dark place during this time. I felt abandoned and betrayed by my best friend. And worst of all, it seemed like she did not care despite stating otherwise. Though I went about my daily life, I still came home to an empty room with nothing but my pain to keep me company. I could hear her laughing and having a good time while I am hurting. This made me hate her so much. I hated that I had no one to talk to who understood how I felt. The nearest people I could console in were on the other side of the country.

 

By good fortune I found the strength to push through this period. It had been a few weeks of no contact. Things were looking up and I began to feel somewhat normal again. I started developing a rich friendship with a girl that I take classes with. She really showed genuine concern for me and began to help me through a situation that she was all too familiar with. For the first time, I did not feel alone. At this time I was even able to tell my ex that I truly forgive her.

 

Unfortunately, this happiness was cut short. I had found out that my ex was seeing someone else. With this discovery, all my pent up emotion just boiled over and I had a panic attack. I started shaking and I could not stop. Just as I walked outside to calm down, my ex comes walking up. She sees me visibly distraught but I tell her needs to get away from me. All I could think about was how she just spit in my face again.

 

Hours pass and we cross paths again. She then tells me that she is fine with the situation but she still cares about me. She then says that she did not want to jeopardize my happiness so she did what she did. I confronted her about the guy and she told me she only went on one date with him. I said my piece to her and we both returned to our room.

 

The next day I received a letter from her. When I read it, I felt as though she learned nothing from this situation. She said she understands what she did was wrong, but then she goes on to pass off the blame on others for her poor actions. She also stated that she does not want me to be with her anymore and she does not have time to deal with me now. But the most damning thing she said was I should erase her out of my memory. After a long relationship and longer friendship, I was told to act like it never happened. I responded to her with a heartfelt letter of my own. I made sure the last thing I said to her was words of kindness.

 

It has been a month and a half now since the letters were exchanged. Since I have been home for Christmas, things have been going well for me. To my surprise, my ex's family members reached out to me. I had no plans on ever speaking with them again because I did not know what she had told them. But I was able to receive peace knowing that they truly loved and missed me.

 

Though things are looking up now, I am still finding myself saddened by what happened. The time has come where I will have to deal with her presence again for another several months. I honestly don't know how this is going to affect my healing process. I came to a decision to start removing her and anyone associated with her from my life. But I am not sure if this was the right thing to do. It makes me feel as though I just wasted five years on a friendship. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Am I on the right path by treating her like a stranger now?