Having a dark day, seeking .

[ophelian dreams]

I am seeking some reassurement, motivation, or just a bit of consolation as I've reached one of the lowest points in my so called healing process so far.

 

I posted a while ago about my somewhat addictive relationship with a guy who refused to commit, couldn't decide between me and another girl and treated me badly. I didn't feel like digging the thread up now because my history with him doesn't have so much to do with my current problem.

 

Here is some update, if anyone cares to read. Not necessary though.

Let's just say: After a lot of seesawing including me failing to just follow the advice from members on here to go NC, I noticed the point of no return had come shortly before Christmas, which was when he basically told me that our relationship depended on the other girl and what she wants completely. I disappeared then, and reduced contact. Which means I didn't write him for days and days, not replying to his Christmas or New Year's messages etc. I did reply to his messages a couple of times, usually when he wrote something that he knew would provoke me to answer him - messages like, "Do I even exist in your world anymore?". A lot of times, I got the feeling like he didn't even know what was going on, or what he had done to me. Anyways... he asked me at one point if there was any way that we could stay in touch, which I promised I would answer later. I haven't, because I still don't know the answer.

 

Last time I talked to him was 16 days ago. Since then, he has written to me several times. Mostly random messages trying to establish a casual conversation, and one last message saying, "I know my attempts to contact you are rather lame, but I just don't know what to say. I just hope you'll write me, I'm missing you". That was 6 days ago.

 

I've been feeling alright most of the time, but recently, I'm feeling more and more depressed. I noticed that I somehow don't really think about the thing he did to me (with that other girl), and when I do, it happens rather rationally, without any hurt. But I think about him each and every day. I have somehow reached a stage where I see him for what he really was and notice that my perfect picture of him was just part of my addiction. But this includes a lot of hurtful thoughts trying to grasp him and what was between us - did I ever really know him? Do I mean something to him? Will he remember me as just another of his many flirts, or as someone special? In one of his texts a few weeks ago, he wrote me that I was one of the very very few persons in his life that he could ever open up to, and that for him, this only happens every few years if at all. A lot of times, I am tempted to just ask him why, if i was so important to him, he would let me go like that, but somehow, I am beyond the stage of wanting to talk things over with him.

 

Yesterday night, I had two rather haunting dreams of him. In both I broke my NC. In the first one, he told me that I wasn't a friend to him anymore because I had turned my back on him. In the second one, we talked, and he confessed some disgusting things he had been doing, like taking drugs, sleeping around etc (things he did and sometimes still does in real life). I don't know why, but these dreams left me waking up with my heart wanting to explode, tears in my eyes, and my pulse racing.

 

I haven't been able to sleep since then. My stomach is hurting and it feels like my chest is burning from inside, I can't concentrate although I would have some studying to do for university, and today I just couldn't help but cry. I'm spending the weekend with a dear friend, but nothing seems to work. I am tempted to write to him, to confront him, or just... I don't even know why. I still have to reply to his question, or do I?

 

Any advice on how to get over this? I try to remind myself of the Clash song, "one day is fine, the next is black", but it's the second black day in a row and I don't think I've felt this bad so far.

Edited February 3, 2013 by ophelian dreams

[Survivor12]

I am going to be blunt, not to be hurtful, but because you need to hear it...

 

This guy chose someone else over you. No matter how much or how little he cares for you, he chose her. Even if he were to come back, it doesn't change that.

 

For that reason, it no longer matters what he thinks. You do not owe him any answers, and what he does is none of your business. If you want to put a stop to the hurt and disappointment, put an end to the meaningless banter between you. Change your #, block his calls & texts or, at the very least, stop listening or reading them--and do NOT respond. The only benefit of engaging with him is to feed his ego--for you, nada. Even when he says something that makes you feel good, remember that he has an ulterior motive--he wants to keep you around to feed his ego. Having you on the back burner assures him that you'll be there when he needs the attention and nothing else is going on. (Kinda like that pair of shoes you don't wear but keep in your closet "just in case".)

 

He broke up with you. Stop letting him call the shots and manipulate your emotions. It's time for you to take control of your life. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be over him and ready to move on. I know it's not easy, but the truth is it will only get harder the longer you stay "involved". So why waste precious time hurting and wishing for someone who doesn't put you first in his life?

 

Be strong. Take control, shut the door, turn around and walk toward the future. (You'll thank me later.

[ophelian dreams]

Thank you. I'm always grateful for someone slapping me into the face with reality a bit. The thing is, I know I want, should and must get away. I know it, and I know that what I felt for him was but infatuation, an addiction. I've known all this and that I deserve better for a long time, but will i ever listen to myself?

 

In fact, I rememer feeling depressed about it last year in February, prior to exams. That's one year ago. It took me one year to make that decision... Major waste of time, no?

 

What I find hard to cope with is that we didn't even have something like a relationship, not even physically. Technically, he didn't do any wrong. He didn't betray me or cheat on me, although that's how I feel. In the end, it all comes down to me not knowing better, or knowing better but ignoring all doubts. That's so not me. I'm not such an insecure, dependent wreck. Heaven knows how he manages to make me act like that.

 

I just need some little encouragement. Some days are just terrible..