2long Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You sound like someone who has been betrayed by someone you loved, I don't know your full story so I wont make too many assumptions and judgements on what is going on with your life. This is overly generous of you. In cases like this individual giving this kind of advice about your marriage, however, consideration of the source is important. So, what's the source? You'll find that lik's story isn't on loveshack anywhere. It is safe 2 assume, without a backstory and with such obviously one-sided narcissistic advice, there most likely is none. I want and love my husband very much, I was selfish and stupid As are all affairees. In cases like this, where you and your H are still very young and have no children, I am inclined 2 suggest that you cut your losses and move on. Everyone you let in will have a chance to betray you, but you have to trust that not everyone will. The key thing 2 learn from this experience is that trust needs 2 be earned. BSs are as hurt as they are because more often than not they trust their spouse blindly - they simply assume that, because they made a promise of exclusivity, they would never cheat. I guess your spouse isn't there to comfort you with the agony she inflicted, I'm sorry that you have to do this alone. His "spouse" is most likely still in kindergarten. He won't meet her for at least another decade. -ol' 2long 1
Author wanderluster Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Actually even my husband agrees that Lik is just a Troll who goes around stirring up trouble. But I do think that by writing this post I have done more harm than healing, I spoke to my H about this apologised and offered to write a post about the reasons why I want to make this marriage work with him. But we came to the conclusion that maybe you guys will not be interested in reading this. He is an amazing man, this is why I married him, and I did traumatize and betray him in the worse way a wife can betray a spouse. Lik is right in the sense that I just have to give my husband the benefit of the doubt and that eventually, I will be able to regain his trust. As a wife who has re-vowed to stand by my husband, leaving will not be an option. AND YES TARA I WOULD LOVE TO BLOCK LIK'S WOMAN-HATING COMMENTS OR BETTER YET GET HIM BANNED...
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Click on user name. you'll get a box, with three options: the first option of which will be 'view public profile'. select that one. On the left, will be the user name, in quite big letters. Under that, you'll see:"user lists". Click. Choose 'ignore user'. You'll get a page asking you to confirm. Done.
TaraMaiden Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Actually even my husband agrees that Lik is just a Troll who goes around stirring up trouble. But I do think that by writing this post I have done more harm than healing, I spoke to my H about this apologised and offered to write a post about the reasons why I want to make this marriage work with him. But we came to the conclusion that maybe you guys will not be interested in reading this.[/i] You'd be amazed at how many of us would love to see that happen. What I have said still stands, though: I honestly believe you and your H must, absolutely MUST get joint Couples Counselling. And without taking anything away from your actions, your husband's reactions, are not healthy or constructive. He's operating from a place of anger, resentment and revenge. His feelings may be understandable, but that doesn't make them justified. He is an amazing man, this is why I married him, and I did traumatize and betray him in the worse way a wife can betray a spouse. Why?? WHY did you do that? What drove you to do that? It's that old line between 'Blame' and 'Responsibility' again. You (singularly) are to blame for your actions. Just as your husband (singularly) is to blame for his.... However: You (collectively) are both equally RESPONSIBLE for the state of your marriage. It takes 2 to tango. Somewhere, somehow, along the way, something 'broke'. And fixing it was up to both of you. But that didn't happen, or it didn't happen as effectively as it should have done, so it limped along, until it could go no further... What 'broke'? When? Why did you not address it when you should have done? ......I just have to give my husband the benefit of the doubt and that eventually, I will be able to regain his trust. TRUST is a two-way street. And it's really hard, to make it all smooth and level again. This is something you both have to be willing to work towards. You have to re-establish it, and your H has to be willing to cultivate it for you. And vice-versa.... 2
LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Im a big believer in second chances, .... and that everything happens for a reason! maybe this is the time to reflect on why there was an affair in the first place (dig deep into both your emotions) and work on that! I had an affair on my Fiancee and we worked on what made me go to another man, turns out i felt worthless to him, he spend all his time with his friends and work, and i felt like i was no longer his number 1. we worked on how he could change this feeling of mine, and it took a very long time! as he also had to process the issue of my infidelity, but yet try to make my feelings better too. we worked together and in the end we got married! we now have more issues to work through but its safe to say we both love eachother very much and we now know what we need to do to make things work, COMMUNICATION, but also be pre-pared to be put in the back seat and listen to his worries too. I hope this helps :/ .... 1
Author wanderluster Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 My husband was behaving out of character, he was not usually like this, but now he is trying to be himself again, I'm afraid he may be bottling up his anger and even though he's not voicing them, I see him frowning and sighing, and I can see he is thinking about painful things. He is without work at the moment, and de-motivated to find any, his emotions swing from happy to depressed, angry to sad. I want to find something to stimulate him and return his faith in himself. Tara, I have been looking up counselling. The woman hasn't gotten back to me and she's the only one in the town!!
Author wanderluster Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Im a big believer in second chances, .... and that everything happens for a reason! maybe this is the time to reflect on why there was an affair in the first place (dig deep into both your emotions) and work on that! I had an affair on my Fiancee and we worked on what made me go to another man, turns out i felt worthless to him, he spend all his time with his friends and work, and i felt like i was no longer his number 1. we worked on how he could change this feeling of mine, and it took a very long time! as he also had to process the issue of my infidelity, but yet try to make my feelings better too. we worked together and in the end we got married! we now have more issues to work through but its safe to say we both love eachother very much and we now know what we need to do to make things work, COMMUNICATION, but also be pre-pared to be put in the back seat and listen to his worries too. I hope this helps :/ .... Thanks LILLY! This is the kind of response I wanted to know, that there is hope, and that second chances do work out. Most people in this post have given me the impression that after infidelity the bridges burnt can't be repaired... I believe in second chances too.. But Tara is right where she says that both spouses have to work on it together. 1
LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Maybe its not stimulation he needs, maybe when you see these moods it might be a good idea to adress them? i mean ask him (while sitting next to him) say "whats wrong?" place your hand on him, show him your there to listen to him and want to hear what he has to say. he may not want to tell you right away, so let him settle it down and once things have settled ask again! say something like "earlier you frowned at something that was said or done, it made me a little upset to see it and im woundering if there was something that upset you?" be pre-pared for him to maybe shut you out again, or he might place blame on you. dont react in a way that will start a conflict. simply soak it in and see things from his point, then react calmly and sometimes ask yourself "could i have done things differently?" if you find yourslef asking this, then the deed is done and you cant change it, you can appoligize and try to move forward, but you need to let him know that in future you both need to think before you act. think "is this going to upset her or him?" .... i cant stress how important communication is when trying to R, but sometimes when the other person doesnt want to talk about it, it maybe that it painful for him and he just wants to forget it. NOT healthy by all means but its his way of dealing with it, just try to show him your there and your willing to lissten.... make sense?
LILLY_LOUISE Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Thanks LILLY! This is the kind of response I wanted to know, that there is hope, and that second chances do work out. Most people in this post have given me the impression that after infidelity the bridges burnt can't be repaired... I believe in second chances too.. But Tara is right where she says that both spouses have to work on it together. Tara couldnt be anymore correct with that saying! it has to come from both sides, and sometimes if the other partner just isnt there then it maybe time to move on. I'm also a believer in going after what you want, but if its not making any sense then go find yourself first! who knows you may find that life is greener without the hassel?
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