2long Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I assume your concern is about the advice to have sex with other women (not re to put the custody arrangements in writing). Correct. The advice 2 put the custody arrangements that they agree upon in writing was a good one. Since the marriage is clearly over with, there is no reason for the OP to be a martyr. Being a decent human being is standing up for what one believes in. It is not being a martyr. He is a man, he has sexual needs, those needs should be fulfilled, and it doesn't sound like he is interested in maintaining a sexual relationship with his wife. Real men don't use women 2 meet their so-called sexual needs. That would make the OM a "real man", wouldn't it? -ol' 2long I am surprised that there is a suggestion that a betrayed spouse who knows his marriage is over is expected to be celibate for an indefinite time period in addition to having been cheated on. 1
2long Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I wasn't suggesting you get involved in anything serious. No, you were just suggesting he use people, like the OM used his W (and she him, apparently). However believing yourself obligated to celibacy for an indefinite time period because your wife cheated on you amounts to a double-emasculation and therefore a double-victory for her. This presupposes the falacy that a WS demeans the BS by having an affair, thus gaining a victory. Since when it is inappropriate for you to have a sex life? It's inappropriate while he's still married. That's since when. Your marriage is over, it's not as if you are going to try to reconcile. Not until the ink dries, it's not over. He'd have 2 break his own promises, which were made as much for his own benefit as well as his wife's. Who you are, and what you need to remember, is that you are a man who has sexual market value and is sexually desirable to women. And yes, he might find a like-minded woman who doesn't care about making real commitments and doesn't care that he's still married. Oh wait, his wife for example! -ol' 2long
2long Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Sorry, missed this above: I am surprised that there is a suggestion that a betrayed spouse who knows his marriage is over is expected to be celibate for an indefinite time period in addition to having been cheated on. I'm not surprised that there are young whippersnappers who feel this way. I would hardly call the period of time between filing and finalizing a divorce as an "indefinite time period." -ol' 2long
TiredFamilyGuy Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Good luck Mike - sounds like you are on the right track. She'll likely go crazy on you at some point. Keep that cool.
2long Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 No I suggested he find a willing partner(s) to have consensual, casual sex with, not that he use anyone. The OM didn't use his W either--the OM and W had consensual voluntary sex with each other. And you don't think they're using one another? Interesting perspective. An affair is demeaning to the other spouse. You don't think the cheater feels victorious when having their affair? Oh, I'm sure they do. But I wasn't demeaned by my W's affair, she and Rat Meat were. Over the long haul, they had a tougher time recovering from their affair than I did. Ex Mrs Meat divorced RM's beautox 8 years ago and married someone else a year or so later. I'm pretty sure she wasn't demeaned by her ex H's affair either. At least not for long. That's entirely up to the OP not your arbitrary standards. The marriage is over and there is no interest in reconciliation. Also I didn't say he should sneak around behind his wife's back and lie to her. Why should he wait a year or two or three while the case grinds on in court before getting to have sex? Ridicuolous. For2nately, the OP seems 2 have higher standards than this. Why would it take more than a year 2 finalize the DV? Sorry but his wife already decided the ink doesn't make a difference. His promise became null and void when she cheated. As long as they are both upfront about it I have no problem with that attitude nor should you, since it's not up to you to live others' lives for them. Again, he appears 2 have higher standards than this. It would seem that he's interested in a committed relationship with someone new. If his wife doesn't like him having sex with other women then she is free to divorce him. They are officially in an open marriage until the ink is dried and that's the wife's sole decision. She opened it. Well, I wouldn't call an affair a "official open marriage" at all. More a broken one. Why postpone filing for divorce if the OP doesn't want reconciliation? -ol' 2long
2long Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Obviously if they are both in a voluntary consensual relationship neither is "using" the other. If you have issues with two people having consensual sex with each other then it's your issue, not theirs. I disagree. Some Bob Seger 2 illustrate my point: "We weren't in love oh no far from it We weren't searching for some pie in the sky summit We were just young and restless and bored Living by the sword And we'd steal away every chance we could To the backroom, the alley, the trusty woods I used her she used me But neither one cared We were getting our share " -"Night Moves" You don't like the idea of two adults consensually having casual sex with each especially if one is still married. The fact that you don't like it doesn't mean either is "using" the other which implies that one is taking advantage of the other. They're not. You're extrapolating things I never said. I don't care if 2 consenting adults are having casual sex, unless one of them is still married. "Using" someone can also be mu2al, as in "Night Moves" above. If she had spit in your face rather than cheated on you clearly you would have to admit she demeaned you by spitting in your face. Being cheated on is a lot worse conduct and a lot more abusive. Your ability to put a brave front on things doesn't change the reality of what she did to you; you don't like to use the word "demeaned"? OK let's call it "shat upon" you. There is that better? Doesn't really make any difference does it? LOL! You clearly are one of those who's either very young and hasn't been through betrayal yourself or you're older and forever stuck with the thought that being cheated on says something about your character. And/or you're one of those who will forever compare being betrayed 2 losing a child or some such painful experience, and never be able 2 let go of the pain of what was "done 2 you." I refuse 2 let the bad behavior of others define who I am. Or let's call her cheating on you "she gave me an ice cream cone." It doesn't matter what word you want to call it, she did what she did, treated you like crap by cheating on you, and your arguing with the vocabulary doesn't change anything. LOL, some more! Sorry that you think I should wallow in self-pity because I was cheated on. And even after all this time you are STILL not over it (not saying you should be), yet claimed it was not demeaning to you? When did you get the impression that I'm not over it? How could it not have been? You are still actually calling the OM "Rat Meat." Infantile name calling. Oh, it's ac2ally a rather adult and sophisticated name-calling choice with an interesting his2ry. In retrospect, I wish I'd used Phlegm Bag instead. RM is a lot of things, but "man" isn't among the terms I could use 2 describe him. She not only demeaned you, she wounded you so badly that even still after all these years you have to pretend that they were hurt "worse than" yourself and calling the guy an infantile name "rat meat." LOL! You understand nothing. Not just nothing about me, but nothing about recovering from infidelity. When you can talk about it like an adult using an adult vocabulary then maybe you could successfully make the argument that you weren't demeaned by it. But not until then. Did your mom give you permission 2 use her computer? It's not higher or lower standards. No, it's higher standards. Just recongition of the fact that HER cheating on him doesn't in any way obligate him to a life of sexual celibacy until the paperwork on the divorce is finalized, which could take years. It is indeed a free country where infidelity isn't illegal. He doesn't HAVE to have sex if he doesn't want to, but he shouldn't feel OBLIGATED not to have sex, if he wants to. Depending on his own standards. Men don't, or shouldn't, get into committed relationships with women without a chance to sample the sexual wares first. How is OP going to be able to know he can commit to a future woman if he doesn't know whether or not they are sexually compatible? What does this have 2 do with the timing of the OP getting back in circulation? An open marriage is where the spouses can have sex with anyone they want outside the marriage. That's exactly what his wife did without asking him first = an open marriage. It's certainly not a monogamous one. No, an open marriage is one where both spouses agree 2 allow the other partner 2 have other partners. Otherwise it's cheating. Don't know about why but I didn't see anywhere that the OP was seriously considering reconcilation. I didn't either. But I did see where he said he's not ready for another relationship anytime soon. -ol' 2long
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