mikejrice Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I've suspected and found loose proof of my wife having an affair for about two years now, but for some stupid reason, I decided to trust her word more than my gut. This week I finally found conclusive evidence in a text message about covering up her hickies. After all the times I suspected things and tried to talk to her about it, I've learned one thing. She was lying! If she had come clean from the start, there would be a possibility of us working it out, but as it stands now, I'm apartment hunting in secret before even confronting her. The sad part is that I now realize that I've known for a long time on some level, and for me at least, the grieving period for our marriage has already run its course. The only concern I feel at this point is for the two year old that is my world. On this front I have a couple of questions that I feel other's experience can help with. I'm planning on moving out without warning and would like to be sure that from the start I have plenty of parenting time with my little one. How should I go about making this happen right off the bat? I'm pretty sure she is going to be angry and looking to place blame on me, so I'm extremely worried that if I leave the house without my son, I won't see him again until the custody battle is over. I've noticed a pretty interesting trend on the forums of people working through this, and it seems that many are successful. It blows my mind that it can be done, and I have to say I'm impressed by everyone of these stories I read. This has also got me into second guessing my own resolution to my marriage, so I'm curious to hear what the primary motivation has been for people to attempt getting over this mountain of a hurdle. I also wanted to leave a couple of tips for anyone who might be looking for help in figuring out if their spouse is cheating. First off, trust your gut! If you can't trust your own gut instincts than you truly don't understand trust and cannot trust another human being. Trust, as applied by humans, can not be given blindly. Sometimes is through trials that trust must be built in a relationship. If your gut tells you something, dig deeper. Secondly, keep digging until you are resolute in what you have found. This was my biggest mistake. You should not confront your spouse in any way unless you find something so concrete that you are resolute in either them admitting it and moving forward or you leaving because they refuse to own up to the truth. If you confront about info before this stage you will almost definitely do the following. Push a spouse away that may have done nothing at all. Teach a cheating spouse how to better cover their tracks. Instead, keep digging! You will either find nothing but piece of mind or you will find the smoking gun. I did the opposite and suffered two years of an increasingly deceitfully spouse because of it. In the end I pushed her so far under ground that I had to devote a great amount of energy to watching to details in order to finally find what I was looking for. 6
aed Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I am sorry for what happend. But I liked your post because of how you handle this situation. 1
beenburned Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 As an adult, you need to always do what is in the best interest of the child!! Even though my grown D's XH was a total a** h***, who cheated on her with 2 OW for 4 years, she has always provided him with liberal visitation with their D!!!(for her D's welfare) Kids love both of their parents, and divorce with all of its changes in their daily life is hard enough on them! Don't add to their pain by not thinking of how they need and want both parents in their lives!
Jonah Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Congratulations on your new life! Sorry to hear that you had to go through that mess... good to know that it is mostly behind you. Change can be scary. If you catch yourself in "what ifs" - you are wrong. Child support horror... I experienced the same until after the divorce was final, then - bliss. It is a grand world out there being a bachelor. You have more to look forward to than worry about. Odds are you will get to see your kids all you want while she continues to ruin her life. You may end up with full custody like I did. Very doubtful that any judge would block you from seeing your kids. Be careful with the abandonment though... Talk to a lawyer. File divorce first... separation agreement. That or document that you are still supporting the family.
whichwayisup Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Agreed. I would not make a move to leave the home permanently until you've consulted with an attorney. I agree completely, do not move out - She may use that against you in the future. If anything, you kick HER out and tell her to go to her OM and she can come visit your child anytime but there's no way she's taking him with her. She is the one who cheated here and ruined your family unit as one. Consquences.. 1
road Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 I agree completely, do not move out - She may use that against you in the future. If anything, you kick HER out and tell her to go to her OM and she can come visit your child anytime but there's no way she's taking him with her. She is the one who cheated here and ruined your family unit as one. Consquences.. Never move out because it will hurt you legally in the divorce, custody, CS, SS, division of assets. See a lawyer first. Then do what has to be done. While waiting for things to move forward you should get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. There is knowledge there on how to come through an affair even if you want to divorce your WW. 2
CarrieT Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 What others have said: Do NOT be the one to move out. Put your child first (and demand a test to ensure the child is yours) along with seeing a lawyer. If you move towards divorce, she can be the one to have to move. 1
Bryanp Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 1. Contact an attorney immediately. There are legal implications of you moving out which could be construed as abandonment. 2. Get tested for STD's. 3. Contact the OM's wife. 4. Expose the affair to her parents and anyone of significance.
Author mikejrice Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 Not exactly the promising answers I was hoping for, but that's how advice is some times. I'm working on getting in touch with a lawyer now. Based on the advice of not leaving, I feel I should elaborate further on my situation. We currently live with my in-laws, so I'm not sure if I would be able to stay if all is revealed including my plans to leave. I also have full custody of my son from a previous marriage which would leave her in the position of watching him while I work if I stay. It seems that I'm caught between doing the best thing for two children at this point. If I were to leave with our joint child, how could this be construde in court?
Author mikejrice Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 Just talked to a lawyer. Sounds like I'm in the clear to go ahead with my plans without it looking like abandonment. He did warn however that I shouldn't take our son with as it will only fuel the fire from the start and that I may have to take the matter to court before I can guarantee any parenting time. This is exactly the nightmare I'm hoping to avoid. Hopefully she will prove to be a little bit more level headed than I picture...
Author mikejrice Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 1. Contact an attorney immediately. There are legal implications of you moving out which could be construed as abandonment. 2. Get tested for STD's. 3. Contact the OM's wife. 4. Expose the affair to her parents and anyone of significance. I definitely think these are important steps, and they will be part of my big reveal. Unfortunately, I have no way at this point of pinning down exactly who the other man is, and if it's who I think, he's not in a relationship. I feel like I'm strung out between so much right now. It seems like I have an impossible feat coming up that can't possibly fall in line well enough for it to end well. It's going to be a long road...
Author mikejrice Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I think it's going to be key to talk to them at some point. I just think that things will be peaceful only up to the point when I reveal what I know. Once that happens, it may be much harder for me to get moved out peacefully.
Author mikejrice Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I'm starting to hit a really bad stage of this. I'm getting overly worried about how this is going to go and am finally hitting a grieving stage. I feel completely depressed.
Author mikejrice Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I think I have to talk to her. I can't keep hiding it. I'll update later.
BetrayedH Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I guess I should wait for an update but here's my $.02 anyway... My situation is somwhat similar. My wife played the true remorse card for about 8 months but I eventually discovered that she had been lying about some key parts about the affair. The things she lied about weren't necessarily dealbreakers for me but the fact that she had spent 8 months lying straight to my face made it impossible. "You know everything. I will never lie to you again." Add tears and blah, blah, blah. I couldn't reconcile with someone that was still actively lying to me. I left the house (kinda long story but let's leave it short). I put forth a 50/50 time sharing plan and made it very clear that I wanted and expected 50/50 custody of the kids effective immediately. If she didn't like my plan, she was to suggest an alternative 50/50 plan. This immediately set the precedent that I wanted my kids and was able to care for them. As well, my wife would have to refuse to let me have my kids in order to stop me (and that wouldn't look good at all for her - a fact of which her attorney was well aware). She really had no choice but to comply. If she still refuses, your attorney could possibly file for a temporary custody order. I got 50/50 custody during the separation by accepting nothing less and 50/50 as part of our marital settlement agreement (divorce). My wife actually pays me a small amount of child support because she had a slightly higher income. More importantly, don't reconcile just because a bunch of people here have done it. I think of those that did, most of them kicked their wayward out of the damn house for a good long time and didn't take them back until they dramatically changed their ways, begging to come home. I'm not sure any of them would suggest you stay with a wayward that's actively lying to you. And not all of us here reconciled. I didn't and I have no shame for that decision whatsoever. 2
2long Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Just talked to a lawyer. Sounds like I'm in the clear to go ahead with my plans without it looking like abandonment. He did warn however that I shouldn't take our son with as it will only fuel the fire from the start and that I may have to take the matter to court before I can guarantee any parenting time. This is exactly the nightmare I'm hoping to avoid. Hopefully she will prove to be a little bit more level headed than I picture... I've never heard the term "level headed" associated with an active wayward before. -ol' 2long
2long Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 If you haven't already confronted her or talked 2 your in-laws, DON'T reveal your sources of info on the affair. SHE knows she's cheating, so you don't have 2 convince HER. She'll try 2 find out what and how you know, but don't tell her. Let her guess (but don't answer her guesses). -ol' 2long
Author mikejrice Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 Our talk last night went really well. I'm glad that I finally followed the advice on here to get this out in the open sooner than later. We've already worked out a schedule that will fit us both as well as the kids. After everything was said and done, she's just as worried about them as me, and we've agreed to move forward with them as our top priority. The weight off my shoulders is amazing waking up today. I'll be staying with friends while I finish my apartment hunt, and if all goes to plan, I should be in my new apartment this weekend. Thank you everybody for all of the support and advice.
drifter777 Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Warning!! Do NOT reconcile for the sake of your 2 year-old. You don't have to live with his mother to be a great father so get that thought out of your mind. Staying for the sake of the "kids" is often an excuse the BH uses to avoid getting into their own true feelings. So, in addition to your lawyer, find a counselor as soon as possible. The s*!t storm of emotions that are waiting for you when you finally call her out and she admits the truth are going to fall on you like a ton of bricks. The sooner you start counseling the sooner you'll have someone you trust to turn to when your emotions start to overwhelm you. 1
BetrayedH Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Interesting view point. I've actually come to the opposite viewpoint--I think the only way to reconcile is to assume that there's a pretty good chance that your supposedly remorseful WS is probably lying, or might be, about something of greater or lesser importance, and you may or may not ever find out about it. That's the reality of most people who cheat--they're liars and it's a bit of wishful thinking to assume that they are capable of completely changing that basic personality trait over less than a decade or so. So the BS needs to accept the reality of the person they're married to and that if they want to reconcile there's a good bit of "bad" mixed in with the "good." I find your view interesting as well. I won't argue it. To each their own, I suppose. As for me, I didn't expect my WS to be perfect. We hit speedbumps; I was careful to look at her intent. I forgive pretty readily in the absence of malicious intent. But what I expected was for her to admit her mistakes, apologize, and try to make up for them. After what I had been through, that was my boundary. Really, I narrowed it down to three expectations: no contact, no lying, and no cheating. She couldn't keep to the first two and that left me with no confidence about the third. Unrealistic expectations on my part? I suppose so considering that I'm now divorced.
Ninja'sHusband Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I find your view interesting as well. I won't argue it. To each their own, I suppose. As for me, I didn't expect my WS to be perfect. We hit speedbumps; I was careful to look at her intent. I forgive pretty readily in the absence of malicious intent. But what I expected was for her to admit her mistakes, apologize, and try to make up for them. After what I had been through, that was my boundary. Really, I narrowed it down to three expectations: no contact, no lying, and no cheating. She couldn't keep to the first two and that left me with no confidence about the third. Unrealistic expectations on my part? I suppose so considering that I'm now divorced. If those points are unrealistic then so is the marriage imo. Anyway, he's moving on. I'd support him either way, but clearly no need to brow beat him for trying to R(not you BH)...he's not doing that
2long Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I hope you put the arrangements in writing, even if that's just temporary/for now. Also it's time for you to start dating. Bang a few hot chicks it will take your mind off your wife. The sooner you get back in the saddle the sooner you will be over her. This is awe-inspringly bad advice. Don't. do. this. -ol' 2long 3
Author mikejrice Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 I'm definitely going to be filing some paperwork regarding parenting time. Hot chick's are not in my immediate future at this point. I think I need to remember who I am before I can be myself around new people. 1
Jonah Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I wasn't suggesting you get involved in anything serious. However believing yourself obligated to celibacy for an indefinite time period because your wife cheated on you amounts to a double-emasculation and therefore a double-victory for her. Since when it is inappropriate for you to have a sex life. Cute little lik slams aside... Some "practice conversation" can give you some regrettable memories that may be of value in the future.
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