How long?

[Kritzu]

Hi I'm new here and I wanted to seek some advice from you guys because I've been reading the forums and I see people giving solid advice. It's much harder to see which way to go when you're so deep in the thicket yourself.

Here's my story and I'll end with my final question to you all.

I'm retired military of 21 years and I was married to my wife from start to finish but the last few have been bumpy. My marriage was pretty great I'd say for the first 17 years we have 2 boys 15 and 17 and took great pride in parenting our kids and cared for each other deeply. I was deployed to Iraq in 2006 and 2007 and shortly after I returned my father passed away. I must say I went into a bit of depression and when I got through that I started to experience what I later found out to be Post Traumatic Stress do to my time in combat.

I started seeking help for my PTSD and my wife encouraged me to do so but became increasingly distant but was not supportive emotionally in anyway and actually used my PTSD to justify many an argument and later I found out about a 6 month affair she had with a guy she worked with. It seemed very clear to me how she used my PTSD to justify the affair in her mind at the time and she admitted so much later. She stated she felt lonely and isolated because of the PTSD which I don't doubt but she really wasn't there for me during this time and I had a lot of resentment for this reason. Well to summarize I found out about the 6 month affair after she went out very late one night(Mothers Day) and noticed many texts on her phone to a certain number that I called and it was a mans voicemail. I called the man he said he was only a friend of course but I later got her to confess that she had been having a 6 month affair with him. She gave me what I think is all the details of the affair over about 2 or 3 weeks time. Well we seperated for a few days then she came home and we went to marriage counseling for a few months and she went for personal counseling a couple months longer. There was never any contact with the man that she had the affair with at work and she changed jobs as well. She changed phones gave me her email and passwords, deleted her facebook account, constantly calls me from where ever she goes so I know where she is all by her own doing i don't force this. However it's been almost 2 years now and even after much counseling with her and on my own I'm having a very hard time with living with this betrayal. She seems to be doing all the right things but I'm not sure I can get past this anymore and I don't wanna spend 2 more years this miserable because she wanted to cheat. So how long is enough? Should I just be happy she's sincerely trying or should I move on with my life? I will always love her I'm just not sure I can get past the details of the affair and the betrayal still haunts me daily. Any suggestions or recommendations would be appreciated. thanks for reading I know this was long.

[Nyla]

There are no "shoulds" when it comes to your emotions. You feel how you feel, bottom line.

 

If you can't get past the betrayal after years of counseling and your wife being honest, I would say that you may want to think about a trial separation.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. You have been through so much in the past few years and as a fellow PTSD sufferer, I understand the hell you have been through.

 

You have made an excellent attempt to forgive your wife. Remember that.

[seibert253]

Sometimes an A is a dealbreaker, with no getting over it or moving on, no matter what the WS does, or how much you wish it wasn't.

 

Sometimes love doesn't concour all.

 

If you havn't been able to move past this in 2years, you probably wont.

[beenburned]

Kritzu,

 

Only about 35 percent of marriages touched by infidelity make it in the long run.(5 years after d-day)

 

I, personally, still had doubts about him even at our 2 year mark.(even though he also was doing everything right)

 

It took me almost 4 years to truely believe he was totally sincere, and to also finally accept that this was forever a small part of our history together.

 

There are no quaranties of fidelity from anyone, no matter whether you stay or divorce!

 

So do you love her enough to forgive her?

[Jonah]

Thank you for your service to our country Kritzu. sorry to read that you took a direct hit here... I am imagining this to be just a bad as your experiences on the battlefield. Since you are here you can notice that you are not alone so that may help a little.

 

I suggest that if she is "doing everything right", that she would be difficult to replace. So best just enjoy what you have, let her know that you appreciate her trying. Apparently, you are loved. Your choice is to enjoy that, or dump it. Love is not easy to come by these days. Even if you dump her the feelings will hang with you.

 

How long? It's never going to go away. What you do with the feelings can change. Sure - watch her and this is all her fault. But the thoughts are yours.

[Spark1111]

what about you?

 

Are you still in counseling? are you on anti-depressants? How are you treating your PTSD?

 

And please do NOT allow any counselor to tell you betrayal by a spouse is NOT a form of PTSD because it is.

 

so now you have a double-whammy of PTSD and it is only 2 years past DDay.

 

Are you healthy and whole enough to make this life-altering decision?

 

Because until you are SURE you are, jettison your wife to get rid of the pain, your pain, may not work to ease it.

 

you may STILL have PTSD, still be in pain.

 

Ending a marriage while suffering from PTSD may be something you regret down the road.

 

Make sure you are healthy and whole when you make it.

[road]

84% of all marriages survive and affair. Some limp along, some back to the way they were, some are better after the affair.

 

Now if you want to be un the better group you need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Then his other book His Needs Her Needs.

 

Recovery takes 2 to 5 years from dday.

 

How often are you and your WW talking about the affair?

[Nyla]

My parents are still together after my father's affair, but my mother has been unhappy since that time. Not worth in my eyes.

 

PTSD can come from ANY trauma, which includes being betrayed by someone you love.

 

When I have flashbacks, I look at my wedding rings to remind me of how far I have come. I also let myself feel the wave of emotion for a minute because when PTSD sufferers try to ignore the pain, it comes back in full force.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

For me, I was still in the depth of pain at the 2 year mark. That year was one of the darkest of my life. Divorce was a very real possibility 2 years out. It wasn't until 3 years post D-day that I started to feel free of the hurt/pain. I'm now approaching the 5 year mark and I'm feeling a sense of peace that I have not had in a very long time.

Edited February 3, 2013 by Betrayed&Stayed

[seren]

Kritzu, my H had PTSD after Iraq and went on to have an A right, smack bang in the middle of his worse times, I didn't know he was going through it, he changed so much and it almost saw the end of us. No matter what I did I couldn't get past the wall he had built up and he dealt with it by having a very destructive A for 8 months. He left eventually the military after 26 years of service. We are 5 years on from D Day and 27 years into our marriage, we have reconciled and are very happy, despite the A.

 

I write this as a background to my experience of A's, PTSD and reconciliation. I can say that the 2 year point I was still having a hard time processing the A and feeling that it might not work, despite always loving him. For me, I weighed up life with and life without H and I just couldn't imagine life without him, not for money, security, a house, I had a very successful career and didn't need H for any of that, but the plain and simple truth was that I loved him. He finally finished counselling for PTSD last year, yes, almost 5 years of support from combat stress organizations, I wonder if you are still getting support for this. Leaving the military is a huge thing, if you have left already it must feel like your support system has gone, I also wonder if you have shared how you are feeling with friends or family IRL.

 

What do you want to happen and what do you need for it to happen? if you want everything to go back to how it was, it won't and maybe that will not be such a bad thing. Not that the A can in any way be a positive thing, but if you want to reconcile you have to know that your marriage will never be what you thought it was, but it can be what you want it to be, but only if you both want that and are prepared for the hard work reconciliation is.

 

I used to replay what I thought the A was, truth was that it was nothing like how I imagined it to be. After a while, the why's and where's weren't as important as the here and now's, if that makes sense.

I wish you well and hope you keep posting on LS, there are differing views and sometimes you just need to take what you need. If there is anything you need to ask, just go ahead and ask.

[BetrayedH]

The fairly consistent response about recovery after infidelity is 2-5 years. I think that holds true whether you are with your spouse or not. My WW and I divorced and that didn't suddenly make it all better.

 

From my experience, it's seeing your wife's consistent actions over time that makes the biggest impact. There are many happily reconciled BSs here. I think many would say that the second year was worse than the first. Many seem to turn a corner around the third or fourth year.

 

For others, they eventually decide that infidelity turned out to be a dealbreaker for them regardless of their efforts to reconcile. Personally, I don't see any shame for the BS in either scenario. This is a very tough and very personal decision.

 

I would just caution you about placing too much pressure on yourself. It's a life-altering decision and you shouldn't pressure yourself to either "get over it" or make a decision about divorce in any particular time frame. Your wife punched you in the face; she doesn't get to complain about how long you bleed on the carpet.

 

It is also possible that you are not healing because your wife is not actually doing enough to rebuild trust. Perhaps you are hesitant to ask for what you really need (which is kind of a man thing to do - we'd rather choke it down than expose our vulnerability). Tough for us to know all of these things as outsiders.

 

Again, this is a HIGHLY PERSONAL decision. I think your answers lie within you. Take your time finding them.

Edited February 4, 2013 by BetrayedH

[Snowflower]

what about you?

 

Are you still in counseling? are you on anti-depressants? How are you treating your PTSD?

 

And please do NOT allow any counselor to tell you betrayal by a spouse is NOT a form of PTSD because it is.

 

so now you have a double-whammy of PTSD and it is only 2 years past DDay.

 

Are you healthy and whole enough to make this life-altering decision?

 

Because until you are SURE you are, jettison your wife to get rid of the pain, your pain, may not work to ease it.

 

you may STILL have PTSD, still be in pain.

 

Ending a marriage while suffering from PTSD may be something you regret down the road.

 

Make sure you are healthy and whole when you make it.

 

This is a great post and Spark1111 brings up a lot of good points. OP, I hope you will take heed of what she has written.

 

My counselor told me I had PTSD after my H's affair. I read the symptoms, and I believe I did. I know it is nothing like a veteran's experiences but at I do understand a little.

 

Divorce isn't usually the magical cure-all to end the pain caused by infidelity like so many believe.

 

Please know, I'm not telling you to divorce OR to stay with your wife. Only you can make that decision. Just please don't make such a huge decision assuming that divorce will ease your pain.

 

The fairly consistent response about recovery after infidelity is 2-5 years. I think that holds true whether you are with your spouse or not. My WW and I divorced and that didn't suddenly make it all better.

 

From my experience, it's seeing your wife's consistent actions over time that makes the biggest impact. There are many happily reconciled BSs here. I think many would say that the second year was worse than the first. Many seem to turn a corner around the third or fourth year.

 

For others, they eventually decide that infidelity turned out to be a dealbreaker for them regardless of their efforts to reconcile. Personally, I don't see any shame for the BS in either scenario. This is a very tough and very personal decision.

 

I would just caution you about placing too much pressure on yourself. It's a life-altering decision and you shouldn't pressure yourself to either "get over it" or make a decision about divorce in any particular time frame. Your wife punched you in the face; she doesn't get to complain about how long you bleed on the carpet.

 

It is also possible that you are not healing because your wife is not actually doing enough to rebuild trust. Perhaps you are hesitant to ask for what you really need (which is kind of a man thing to do - we'd rather choke it down than expose our vulnerability). Tough for us to know all of these things as outsiders.

 

Again, this is a HIGHLY PERSONAL decision. I think your answers lie within you. Take your time finding them.

 

This is another great post.

 

 

 

The second year was by far worse than the first, IMO. This was totally my experience at least. I felt like I should be more healed than I was. I was frustrated and confused. The shock had worn off (it took a long time for it to wear off for me) the "honeymoon" of reconnecting with my spouse had passed and I/we were stuck with the pain and the triggers and the nitty-gritty stuff. We nearly divorced and did spend some time apart at the end of the second year.

 

It often gets better the more time that passes but it takes a lot of work to get there.

 

Personally, I think getting over it is something you have to "give" yourself. There is really not a whole lot your spouse can do as the months and years stretch out after infidelity. You have to find it within yourself to free you and your spouse from the turmoil it left behind. For some people, this happens through a true reconciliation for others it might be divorce.

 

My advice, which with a dollar or two might buy you a cup of coffee...:pTake your time. You've already given it two years. If she is remorseful and doing everything right, I would say give it a little longer. If it still doesn't work out, at least you know you tried everything.

 

To go back to what Spark1111, make sure you make this decision with a clear head!

[drifter777]

84% of all marriages survive and affair. Some limp along, some back to the way they were, some are better after the affair.

 

Now if you want to be un the better group you need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Then his other book His Needs Her Needs.

 

Recovery takes 2 to 5 years from dday.

 

How often are you and your WW talking about the affair?

 

The percentage of marriages that "survive" infidelity seems to be different in just about every study. Ignoring the exact percentage in the following article, the rest of it is what's important:

 

Reports have said that 60-75% of couples who have experienced a betrayal stay together. However, this does not mean that these couples can heal their relationships and regain trust and commitment to each other. In such cases, many couples stay together after one or more infidelities not because they're happy together but because they're afraid of the alternative. They're afraid of being single, the impact of divorce on their kids, the financial implications, etc.

 

Kritzu: the bottom line is you need to do what's best for you. All of your wife's excuses and blaming you for what she did is a load of crap. For her to add another horrible trauma to your life may be unforgivable - only you can decide. Just don't let fear of starting a new life keep you paralyzed from acting.

[BetrayedH]

I'm also very curious about this percentage. I don't have data so I accept that my numbers may be no better but I've always heard something closer to 35% over the longer haul. Hell, barely 50% of marriages survive life in general; I don't see how 84% survive infidelity. I do recall that about 90% of women initially stay after Dday and about 80% of men but again, that's "initially." Surviving and thriving (as Drifter might suggest) are another thing altogether.

[drifter777]

I'm also very curious about this percentage. I don't have data so I accept that my numbers may be no better but I've always heard something closer to 35% over the longer haul. Hell, barely 50% of marriages survive life in general; I don't see how 84% survive infidelity. I do recall that about 90% of women initially stay after Dday and about 80% of men but again, that's "initially." Surviving and thriving (as Drifter might suggest) are another thing altogether.

 

In the end, isn't this all that matters? What's a marriage if you're going to live like brother and sister? I'm finally getting there but it has taken way too long. I would have never even tried if I knew then what I know now.

[Kritzu]

Thanks everyone for their concern and advice I really do appreciate it. I plan to keep trying to get through this as the consensus seem to be that I've already come so far and the 2 year mark seems to be a tough one for everyone probably due to the shock starting to wear off and being able to look at it with more perspective. The only thing keeping me hanging on is that she's giving 200% effort since D day. I do plan to continue marriage counseling and for the PTSD which I've been doing. Thanks I'll keep you guys posted.