did i lost my love of my life because i was immature?

[dub fx]

i first want to thank you for readig; hope it is all clear cause english is not my mothertone and im writing this from my phone..

 

me and my ex been 2 years together. We met while travelling when we were 21. We had a really good relation and we shared so much adventures and time together. it was ALMOST PERFECT.. But sometimes she could freak out; specially when she consumed some alcohol.. but otherwise no worries and everything was good. I thought so..

 

 

some background information:

 

While travelling trough South Asia she got scared of flying and being in crowded busses. i thought it wasnt a big deal and i tryed to support her as much as i could.

Sometimes she started to act moody and she started to open up and told me she had a difficult childhood because of her mom having depressions.

She started talking to me about it and i always lost my concentration(adhd..) she got angry and i tryed to listen as long as i could but i always start tapping my fingers or something like this and that made her angry because she thought i was not listening.. and she was scared to have aswell depressions..

And to be honnest: i tryed to listen but i felt like a psycologist orsomething and i just couldt be for her that much.. im still young and never had issues in my life so maybe i really wasnt there for her.. And i was in my happy own world...

 

At one point i got homesick and i flew back home for a month. she flew to Canada. The plan was that i would be here aswell after one month. but trough visa problems it took me 1.5 months.

she got lonely and when i was back home i diddnt called her enough cause i was spendig more time partying with me old mates i diddnt saw for almost 3 years. i called her almost every week. she never told me she was feeling lonely or depressed. she told me she made friends from work and it so nice here.

 

so 2 weeks before my flight to Canada she wanted to look for accomodation for us both. she was living in staff accom.

i told her: dont worry about it, we will find a place together. but she got so mad: dont you appreciate my afford and so.. i told her i dont even know where i would be working so dont look yet. this night she went out and kissed someone else cause she felt i wasnt intressesd in her orso?..

im really bad in communicatimg while travelling or being somewhere else. but she know i love her with my whole hart and im not the best communicating with familly or friends while travelling.

 

 

to the point:

 

after i arrived in Canada she told me she kissed someone else. i got mad!! and i told her i bet you been ****ing around! but she told me it wad only kissing..

so i believed her and we spend some more days together.

but she diddent wanted to have sex anymore. Ignoring me, going to the gym with this guy she kissed from her work.

we got nasty fights and she broke up.

2 days later i was begging her to give me an other chanche and did all the clingy stuff. she told me she started seeeing someone else! i got so mad, after 2 years ur allready ****ing some one else???

we texted eachother the worst things.

 

3 months further. she is still seeying this guy. she told me it is not serious. And in this 3 months she called me and asked me what i was doing. sometimes she would text or say she misses me and loves me. but never wanted to go snowboarding or catching up.. i saw her few times i town and we had a quik bite or a quik coffee and small talks. i always expressed myself that i loved her so much and i diddnt know why we broke up and that i wanna be with her for always. she always told me she needs qtime and stuff..

 

 

so week ago she texted me on australian day: happy australian day: we shared so much precious time. they were like gold. i miss you and i love you.

so i straight away texting i love you 2; wish we could spend this time roadtripping again in australia they were so beautifull blabla i love you come and see me.

but she ignored me again.. so i was so angry deleted her from facebook and told her what the **** you want? im not a warm backburner and i tottally lost it. anf i told her if you loved me you never went with someone else and you lost someone who loves you with whole his hart.

 

we texted angry things to eachother. and then i FINALLY knew why we broke up:

i diddnt been there for her. she tryed to talk with me many times but she felt like a pshyco.

i reallise i had to be there for her. i was selfish with my own no worries life and i just diddnt been there enough for her and i regret so much! i learned from this!!

she told me this guy was always listening to her. while i was texting her angry awefull stuff.

 

Now she doesnt know if she wants to meet up! she is scared she will get hurt again. she told me she loves me to much but she thinks i cant be there for her enough.. maybe i need time to heal or maybe my wounds never would heal she told me :-(

i told her i wanna be with her for always and i never would let you down and support you for ever. i really learned from my mistakes and took our love for granted. somehow i was to immature to realise i wasnt there for her.

 

she booked a flight to mexico with two workmates in 20 days that is what she told me quik on facebook chat.

i kept texting her for 4 days everynight what she means to me and how i see our future and plz forgive me. i learned fro this. blabblabab i love you soooooo much... blsbala

she ignorred everything and i reallised i was clingy again so i wrote her: ofcourse you know how i feel and what i want. im sorry for this anoying texts.. she wrote me back; its to much pressure and i dont know yet..

 

now i diddnt contact her anymore and i am scared like she doesnt wanna give me an other chanche and she keeps me warm incase she realise how much she would miss me again if i dont contact her anymor for a week orso..

 

im scared she leaves me waiting while she can move on and have good times with her friends on holidays and i would be sitting here scared i loose her or she comes back?

 

im so confused, does she keeps me warm? is it to early to come back together? how can i convince to hang out with me cause i know i make her crazy and she will realise she loves me deeply. but im scared she is protacting herself agaisnt being hurt.. or she is moving on and letting me wait..

 

what can i do guys? any tips or advice? im so glad im over this lovesick depression. but i just know i want her now and not any day longer in this guy arms.. btw; i dont know how close they are...

 

i cant see any trees trough the forest anymore.. so any advice is appreciated. thnx

[dub fx]

when we broke up i told her i wanted no contact, not even few days later she texted me that she realises she is missing something and misses me. So nc def worked.

 

but then we kept texting again. And we had a coffee one day and she asked me: whats going on between us. I asked her; you still have ur bf right? she said i dont wanna talk about him. So i got mad and told her im not a seccond option and walked away. And i told her i wanted no nc again.

 

while this week Nc i was hanging around with an other girl drinking wine and i somehow wanted to move on. we had fun, we kissed and almost had sex few times. But after few days i realised i was comparing her to my ex. And i realised i want her back. maybe i was lonely and i used this girl to feel less lonely. i told her how i felt about it and she could understand.

 

so i texted my ex; im allready 3 minths persuing you. there is an other girl who likes me a lot and i keep pushing her away and i just let you know i stop persuing you and if things happen with this girl it can happen, just to let you know i stop persuing you...

 

so then i got this fb text; with the FINALLY why we broke up. And she is so hurt and dont k ow if we can ever be us again. She told me she always loved me and i was the only one she ever wanted. this guy she start seeying was because she could open up with him. And she told me if i start seeying this girl then hope is alll gone and she wishes me goodluck..

So i texted back; to be honnest i wanted to make you jeallous and so you know lot if girls want me cause the way i am. But i only want you darling, can you call me or dont you want ti meet up?

 

then we had a converasation trough facebook and she told me she goes on hollidays in20 days. And we had a few minutes a chat but somehow she acts cold and short again. And told me she had to go agian..

 

 

i deff. not gonna text her again like few days ago telling her that she was my dreamgirl and how much i loved her and how i wanna built a future togethter, and how sorry i am.. blablaa

i think she still loves me a lot but is scared to be hurt again. . but i want this second chanche to show her that i always will support her!!!

i just was immature and i feel like i grow up so much while this break up. while our brake up i start working on myself; stopt drinking alot of beer and stopt smoking :-)

 

so do i go NC or LC? or do i keep pushung again for a meet up, what is gonna be difficult and i dont want to put her under presure..

[dub fx]

and your right: woman need man to listen and understand them. wish i realised this way earlier...

 

ps: you think its wise to write her a last text before i go nc again like:

you know that im srry, how i never let you down again.... i want to come back together so bad. i truely regret and i will support you for ever and i did my best to work on myself for us so we could gave a healty relation in future. i hope you can see my afford how i wanna make this work again. i cant do nothing else then say this and i hope you give me this chanche and call me one of this days before you leave on holliday to gave some old good time fun and i can make you understand i will never and never let you down again??

 

or do i just wait till she eventually contacts me? cause i know she will at one point.She knows i wanna go to South America. but im scared she uses this time of nc to move on and fly back home after her holiday and she will look one day for someone else...