Slob hubby's indifference is driving me away!

[goodnbad]

Okay, it's not really indifference. It is my dh's lack of care about not only his physical appearance, but his hygiene. Let me explain.

 

First of all, I am no prize myself to start with. I have suffered from an eating disorder (and have been overweight by far for a long time in the past) and am about 15 pounds overweight now, average looking, and due to a weight loss of almost 90 pounds, with wrinkled and stretch-marked skin....so I will never be confused with a runway model. But I try to take care of myself and attempt to look the best that I can.

 

Dh works in a professional setting, so he does admittedly have to dress up, shave, etc in the public eye. At home, he is the biggest slob I have ever seen. If he takes off his socks, he often places them on the coffee table (always nice, especially since he often suffers from athletes foot). Dirty underwear makes it to the bin maybe 8 out of 10 times, the rest of the time it is left on the bathroom floor for me to pick up. His bath towel, ditto for laying around, albeit soaking wet, on the bedroom floor or on the bed.

 

He takes a shower everyday, but his bathtowel after 3 or 4 uses smells like. well, armpits (strangely, though, HE does not). Ick. I'm not sure if this means he doesn't use soap or what, but the bathroom ends up reeking after a few days. Needless to say, I am the one who does the laundry and what can I say about his undies: you don't wanna look in there, if you get my drift. Nasty.

 

He walks around with a dirty t-shirt on and sweat pants that hang below his navel.....yeah, I mean any lower and you would see the pubies. He is probably 50+ pounds overweight and has a huge potbelly and breasts almost as large as mine. NOT a turn on, as you can imagine.

 

If all this shallow stuff is not enough, you should be present to listen to him belch out loud and let off gas. And he will even do it with others present! Seriously, he will let off NOISY gas while talking to people, and continue on as if he thinks no one can hear it! It is so embarrassing!

 

Did I mention that he picks his nose too? This he at least tries to hide, but I've walked into the room and caught him on several occcasions. Bleck.

 

Okay, most of you are probably saying, well, he's a guy, get used to it, but honestly, I am so disgusted that there is no way there is gonna be ANY sex life in this marriage anymore. If he attempts any closeness, all I can think about is his nose-picking and/or if he is clean or not. It squelches any desire I might be able to conjure up.

 

I have dropped hints to no avail and I know he gets it, but just couldn't be bothered to change. We have two young childen and I can't stand the thought that he is going to be their masculine model example. That they will become slobs with poor hygiene haunts me every day.

 

On the plus side, he is a good provider and has a good work ethic (almost too good, since he tends to be a workaholic). He cares deeply for me, hardly ever complains about anything, and is not jealous, rude, or abusive. He loves his kids.

 

Any comments would be appreciated.

goodnbad

[goodnbad]

I forgot to mention that I would like to repair this relationship, but not sure if there is any way it can really happen. I know that it is probably asking too much (and should I ask at all?) for someone to change so dramatically, but I really hate to look too far into the future about it.

 

If things remain the same, I have already decided: if he stays like this, I will stay in this relationship until our children are grown. And then I am GONE! The frustration is just too much. I think I deserve a spouse who cares enough to keep himself cleaned up and has at least a semblance of manners.

 

goodnbad

[The_Analyzer]

Was he like this when you all were dating? Or is this something new he just recently started? If he is a good provider and and hard worker, then maybe get some counseling as far as being able to deal with some of his not so healthy or good habits. Also I don't know if cutting him off from sex is a good idea either. Tell him how you feel about what hes doing and maybe tell him to throw on some cologne, but don't cut him off. You also said he deeply cared for you, sounds like a pretty good guy that just needs some cleaning techinques. Good luck.

[goodnbad]

I forgot to mention his family. Not sure if this is even relevent, but his family also tends to be on the slobby side. So I suppose that he has learned this from childhood. Do you think he is beyond hope, since these are lifelong habits?

 

And how do I stop my children from picking any of this habits up? I try very hard to show them good manners, etc. but will dh's habits counteract this? If I thought marriage counselling would help, I would go, but I doubt that dh would. And if he did, he would probably deny all of it.

 

goodnbad

[The_Analyzer]

If he wont go to counseling then you can go for yourself. They may can provide advice to you as to how to handle the situation. If it is something that his family does as well, then yes he probably got it from them. People can change their ways no matter what it is, but they have to be willing too. I take it you knew he was like this when you married him and hoped maybe it would change. If it bothers you a great deal, then you need to really think about what is most important to you. If you're really wanting out of this because of just that, and all else seems good, then maybe the true issue isn't really about his habits. Maybe it goes a little deeper. Good luck.

[goodnbad]

Analyzer, thanks for replying, sorry for not responding sooner, logging in here was a time-consuming and frustrating experience.

 

Re: the hubby. Well, all I can say is there is no chance in h*ll that I am having sex in this situation. All I can think about is the ick factor---and you can't mask that with cologne. Sorry if that comes off as cold, but being unhygenic is definitely not a turn-on for me and I cannot get past it at this point. And he is doing nothing to change.

 

Oh, I am sure it goes much deeper. I am fed up with being taken for granted (as a maid, as his Mommy) and I consider it a grand form of inconsideration. I have spoken to him about it and he will nod his head, blah, blah, blah, and then in a day or so, it's back to normal. My only conclusion is that he is too lazy to care much about it at all.

 

No, aside from him having a messy car, I did not know he was like that. We didn't live together til we got married, and his Mother keeps her house clean (since she picks up after everyone), so no clues there. If I had known then what I know now, I'm sure I would have stayed single.

 

I still love him but am not so sure I am IN love with him anymore (although honestly, I don't believe in that silly I-love-you-with-all-my-heart-you-are-my only-true-soulmate-for-life garbage). I am too logical and square to believe in that, I guess. I would like to work on our relationship and make it last forever, but on the other hand, he has to make an effort too, or I will eventually toss in the towel.

 

goodnbad

[The_Analyzer]

I understand what you're saying. At least go to counseling for yourself and see what they have to say. You're right though it has to be from both parties in order for it to work. Maybe once he sees you're going, it will give him some encouragement to go as well, or at least work on changing some. Good luck.

[goodnbad]

See, the problem is that, in his opinion, there is no problem. Everything hunky dory. I have seen this in examples time and time again, his unspoken motto: "if you ignore things or pretend not to see it, it doesn't exist".

 

I had a big blow-out this morning (I say "I" not "we" because he did the usual, just going silent, getting nothing resolved). I told him I didn't know how much more I could take, living like this, being stressed, feeling unappreciated, having nothing to look forward to but a life of complacency...I think he just believes that I am PMSing and will get over it. NOT!

 

I am going to look into counselling next week, but I don't know that we can afford it at this stage if it is too costly. I'll get back to y'all on that one.

 

Thanks for any advice anyone can give.

 

goodnbad

[tokyo]

I´m not sure, but I think he has a problem, also his hygenic problem, but I also think he doesn´t really know exactly what you want, maybe? If he grew up in a slobby family he may not know how to be more hygenic. His behavior looks like the way little children behave, closing your eyes, hoping if you don´t see them, they will also not see you. He is hoping you will stop getting mad at him. You described him as loving and caring and I may also think he´s a bit dependent on you, too much maybe. I think you should go and get some counseling. Talk to him, he may not want to, but try to be nice and reassure him that you really care for him.

 

I understand that it´s a turn off to be with a slobby man, I would be to disgusted to want to sleep with him. I don´t think you are doing this for punishment as the_analyzer was hinting, but how are you supposed to get into the mood. I´ve heard of man being able to close their eyes and just fantasizing about other women, but I don´t think I could....

[goodnbad]

kooky, you are totally right, I am not withholding to punish him. I would love to work it out with him, I just have some very big doubts as to whether he has it in him to want to change at all. He is just so complacent. And like I said before, SHOULD I even ask him to change? Do I have the right to ask? Should I just accept him for what he is?

 

I have to be honest, though. I can only take that for so long. I would stay until the kids are older, almost grown up, and then I would move on. I don't feel I should have to live like that forever. But for my kids, I would put my own life on hold for awhile.

 

I do love my dh, but some things are just beyond acceptable. And lousy hygiene is a big one. Not caring how you look and being 'slobbish' is another. It's almost like a form of disrespect.

 

And yeah, maybe I just have too much of an active imagination, but I cannot just close my eyes and pretend I'm enjoying sex when I'm really cringing inside. If he won't change, I just can't do it.

 

Thanks for the support!

 

goodnbad