Estate Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Well, this thread is not about you and your data point. I would be careful about vehemently insisting on broad generalizations about another gender based on what happened to you at Christmas. With experience, you'll learn that far more factors into outcome than banging a girl as soon as you possibly can...before she has a chance to change her mind on you. For me, a guy who is so desperate to get his jollies as soon as he possibly can whenever the opportunity arises is a turn-off. Desperation and lack of control are total turn-offs. Contrary to your assertions, some guys do have choices. Certainly not every guy humps everything as soon as it's available. Some guys wait, especially when they want more than a fling. Generally these guys have a lot more to offer than a frantic bang with poor technique. A guy capable of restraint isn't guaranteed that I'll like him. On the other hand, a guy incapable of controlling himself is guaranteed that I won't want anything to do with him. If a woman if looking for a drunken ONS, of course she'll be upset if you don't deliver. But she'll be on to the next guy the next night anyway. My impression is lakerman is looking for a meaningful relationship, not to be a random notch on some bedpost. Well in fairness I only brought up my situation to sympathise with the OP since I was pretty harsh earlier. My situation was NOT the same as this as the relationship was a lot different and was only used as an example. Listen, if you want to post those derogatory things at me on a message board in relation to my "experience", no worries, I don't really care. I'm secure enough in myself to know my own value and experience. And I certainly have been in the OPs position when I was a lot younger... with a LOT more experience these days, I've learned to handle these situations a lot better than I did back then. Also, your points about guys waiting or being respectful, while not entirely wrong, bare no resemblance to the OPs problem. Now, If *I* met a girl and dated her, I would certainly not act "desperate to get in her pants"... that is totally the wrong way to go about things. But in this case it was the GIRL who was pushing for sex. That changes the dynamic of the situation. A guy, begging and pushing for sex early in a relationship is not good. A guy turning down sex? Well, you can recover but I don't think it increases her attraction. Since you love my stories so much here's another.... I turned down sex on a 2nd date years ago. It was the 2nd girl I had ever dated, I had only ever slept with my first girlfriend. Goin on the date was terrifying me enough, we she brought me back to her apartment to make out in her bed I was totally oblivious to the fact she was waiting for me to initiate sex. Just getting that far was such an achievement back then my mind was already on overload. I blew it in the moment, she told her friend she wondered if I was gay since I didn't seem to want to sleep with her. I thought I was just being respectful and she would respect me more, but it just caused her to loose attraction. I recovered from it and eventually made her my girlfriend but it was hard work at the time. I'm only using my stories to draw parallels as some of it applies to the OPs situation so I'm just giving my opinion based on my experiences. I'm not hijacking the thread as I am not asking for advice on those things. Believe me, as a guy, there's nothing more I'd like to hear than the OP's success story posted on here when he returns. I'm just trying to warn him not to get too far ahead of himself.
pbjbear Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Any girl who loses attraction to you because you didnt want sex on a 2nd date is not worth your time. If she thought you were gay over thought thats kinda dumb Whatever happened to being okay with having sex when a person is ready? (male or female) I wouldnt want a guy to have sex with me if hes not comfortable... Everyone is so damn selfish
Author lakerman34 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Any girl who loses attraction to you because you didnt want sex on a 2nd date is not worth your time. If she thought you were gay over thought thats kinda dumb Whatever happened to being okay with having sex when a person is ready? (male or female) I wouldnt want a guy to have sex with me if hes not comfortable... Everyone is so damn selfish I was ready. Very ready. And she was even more gorgeous than I thought she would be. She knew I was having a tough time saying 'no,' and that my reasons were sincere. If it doesn't happen, yeah, I'll be disappointed, and maybe I'll be upset at myself for denying myself sex with a gorgeous woman, but I'll be DAMN proud of myself for self-control and knowing what I want, and going for what I want. I think, even if she truly NEVER has plans to talk to me again, I think she has the utmost respect for me.
pbjbear Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I was ready. Very ready. And she was even more gorgeous than I thought she would be. She knew I was having a tough time saying 'no,' and that my reasons were sincere. If it doesn't happen, yeah, I'll be disappointed, and maybe I'll be upset at myself for denying myself sex with a gorgeous woman, but I'll be DAMN proud of myself for self-control and knowing what I want, and going for what I want. I think, even if she truly NEVER has plans to talk to me again, I think she has the utmost respect for me. Sorry I didnt quote I wasnt responding to you but the guy before me...
Author lakerman34 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Sorry I didnt quote I wasnt responding to you but the guy before me... Yeah I got that, just reaffirming what you said (kinda).
Author lakerman34 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 I texted her last night during the Game, and just now, no response. I hope it's nothing, but after talking to my friends and on this forum, I think I'm sorta going to ditch the whole thing while in Africa, wait to see if she gets in contact with me, and try and pick up where I left off when I get back. 1
Author lakerman34 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Well, might as well close this thread down. She and I had a good conversation, and, keep it short, she told me "try not to think about me in Africa, forget about me, have fun, and we'll pick up where we left off when you get back." It started out with me saying that I thought she was 'a TAD adorable, and I liked her a tad,' and she answered 'just a TAD? that's not enough to stretch out for 80 days....' So, I'm getting the sense that she hasn't gotten any plans to be with another man when I'm gone (she kind of told me that she didn't want me to get with any other girls, and I told her she doesn't have to worry about that), and I told her if she got with another guy while I was gone, there was nothing I could really do, but I wasn't encouraging it. She basically told me to relax, it won't happen. Still sticking to the game plan while I'm overseas: She has to make first contact. Right now, I'm riding cloud 9, and I plan on having a BLAST in South Africa, but it's absolutely AMAZING to have an amazing girl to look forward to seeing again when I come back home. We haven't really spoken about staying in touch, but I have a strong sense that that won't be a problem
Divasu Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Well, might as well close this thread down. She and I had a good conversation, and, keep it short, she told me "try not to think about me in Africa, forget about me, have fun, and we'll pick up where we left off when you get back." It started out with me saying that I thought she was 'a TAD adorable, and I liked her a tad,' and she answered 'just a TAD? that's not enough to stretch out for 80 days....' So, I'm getting the sense that she hasn't gotten any plans to be with another man when I'm gone (she kind of told me that she didn't want me to get with any other girls, and I told her she doesn't have to worry about that), and I told her if she got with another guy while I was gone, there was nothing I could really do, but I wasn't encouraging it. She basically told me to relax, it won't happen. Still sticking to the game plan while I'm overseas: She has to make first contact. Right now, I'm riding cloud 9, and I plan on having a BLAST in South Africa, but it's absolutely AMAZING to have an amazing girl to look forward to seeing again when I come back home. We haven't really spoken about staying in touch, but I have a strong sense that that won't be a problem Good for you Lakerman. And getting to go to South Africa, lucky ducky!
Author lakerman34 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Good for you Lakerman. And getting to go to South Africa, lucky ducky! I know, I'm so excited (for both things)!! I have a wine tasting second day I'm there, but it's mostly for work. I'm on a cardiothoracic surgery internship. 40 hour work weeks.
Author lakerman34 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 In Africa now, and she messages me right away. The conversation gets kinda relationship-y. I told her "I put myself out there, I told you that I have enough interest to last me 80 days, I didn't get much from you?" She told me she didn't know, and was incapable of planning that far ahead. As for getting with girls, she gave me kinda the yellow light (which I did for her and guys). Like "do as you please," with a subtle "but I prefer you don't." I changed the topic back to dark (she likes dark conversations) and now I'm moving back to light. I guess it's perfectly OK to sweep a cute girl off her feet her in South Africa and bring her to my single room then....I don't know what game this girl is playing at. I think her reasons are VERY feasible, but I wish she'd straight up be honest "I like you, a lot, I don't want you to get with any girls in South Africa." That would mean a lot to me. It's best I don't go fishing for it though.
Archgirl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I think you took exactly the right approach if you are really into her - the fact that she expected to sleep with you straight away probably demonstrates what guys usually want of her. I diagree with previous posters, I think she is probably just as into you - just maybe a little bit more wary. I think she's interested (look at her physical actions - not things a woman does just for a guy she only wants for one night) but not willing to trust completely that you are really interested in her as Gf material. Please don't ignore her while you are away, I think you'll lose the trust you already gained and if she's been badly burnt in the past you might not get it back. I'm not saying contact her everday or anything, just keep up the light hearted joking/flirting w a bit of sexiness - but whatever you do, keep it consistent, if you do it every three days, do it every three days WITHOUT FAIL (or once a week or whatever), lets her know you mean it, are trustworthy and that she can depend on you liking her as a person. I don't really have any good reason to give you to believe i'm right - but I think i've been this girl before. You give me hope that there are guys out there that appreciate chicks with too much personality who are too smart for their own good - Thanks! 1
Archgirl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 In Africa now, and she messages me right away. The conversation gets kinda relationship-y. I told her "I put myself out there, I told you that I have enough interest to last me 80 days, I didn't get much from you?" She told me she didn't know, and was incapable of planning that far ahead. As for getting with girls, she gave me kinda the yellow light (which I did for her and guys). Like "do as you please," with a subtle "but I prefer you don't." I changed the topic back to dark (she likes dark conversations) and now I'm moving back to light. I guess it's perfectly OK to sweep a cute girl off her feet her in South Africa and bring her to my single room then....I don't know what game this girl is playing at. I think her reasons are VERY feasible, but I wish she'd straight up be honest "I like you, a lot, I don't want you to get with any girls in South Africa." That would mean a lot to me. It's best I don't go fishing for it though. OMG dude! You'd do better to think WHY she might be acting like she is, have a little empathy instead of how she makes you feel! She called you straight away -bit of a clue there! Don't sleep with anyone else, she's not asking you not because she can't ask you that - probably already feels vulnerable enough. She's waiting to see if you're trustworthy/worth letting her defenses down. I SWEAR!! IT"S SO OBVIOUS! 1
Estate Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 OMG dude! You'd do better to think WHY she might be acting like she is, have a little empathy instead of how she makes you feel! She called you straight away -bit of a clue there! Don't sleep with anyone else, she's not asking you not because she can't ask you that - probably already feels vulnerable enough. She's waiting to see if you're trustworthy/worth letting her defenses down. I SWEAR!! IT"S SO OBVIOUS! I tend to agree here. If you do meet anyone abroad, don't use it as a way of making her jealous, don't tell her at all. Yeah, keep in touch with her but I disagree with making it like clockwork or she'll be expecting it and know when to expect it. Mix it up a little... message her by day one time, night the next, and don't do it too often. That'll keep her wondering what time it is where you are and what you've been up to... i.e. if she's expecting a message at X time, but you don't send it until the next morning, you're unpredictable, you're not just thinking of her, you're probably out being fun and being a mystery. If she asks what you've been doing, leave a little mystery, don't write an essay. 1
Author lakerman34 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) She comes across as the type of girl that would leave one thing if something else interesting comes along. The reason why she got with me in the first place was because I am "such a character," but I always get that feeling that she feels like she has me all figured out (which might be the case)....not good. She asked me not to bring up the "relationship" thing up again. I told her I won't. She said "you and I both know you will." I joked and said "fine, a maximum of 3 times before I leave, just to hold your interest. I have to have some sort of game plan, right?" She said she'd hold me to 3 times, no more. I said "OK expect relationship talk about every 25ish days (jokingly)." I plan to stay away from relationship talk. I still kind of flirted with her (called her cute, brilliant, smart, all the things she liked to be called), but got no response from her about it (usually she says "aww I'm blushing," but she just spoke about whatever we were talking about.) I just got onto Facebook, and she left me a small message about an hour after I logged off. Nothing too particular though, but the fact that she leaves me messages like that tells me she likes me SOMEWHAT (just gotta do as Estate says above to stay out of the friendzone). I'm not replying to it. Maybe I will in 3 or 4 days. Maybe. She's very much into MBTI (don't know if any of you are). She has had this weird obsession with INTJ guys lately, saying how "interesting and dark they are." I'm an ENTJ. I feel like JUST the fact that I'm NOT an INTJ (I'm more extroverted than introverted), she may be fishing around for INTJs. She is rather bored at school, and told me she "hates how school turns her into an introvert." I'm afraid that may mean "I'm looking for a guy that I can't quite figure out to hang out with regularly and sleep with regularly." All I'm saying is, I'm worried another guy comes by, and then I'm forgotten, he takes my place because he's more "dark and mysterious." Also, she may think that she's smarter than me and might want a guy that is JUST as smart (if not, smarter) than her. I wish I could say these are all my insecurities, but I fear they are mostly realities. My best friend told me that "they are just her games" and just to ignore them, but I honestly don't know if they are "just games." My freak out sessions (I'll probably have a few while in South Africa) will remain here on LoveShack. Regardless of what she throws at me, I'm going to remain cool, calm, and collected with her. Told my dad about her when going to the airport, and he said, "she already sounds much better for you than your ex. If she sleeps with a guy while your gone, great, if she doesn't great. Same with you. If you're with a beautiful woman, don't let the thought of her keep you away from other girls. You're 22 in Africa. Have fun." Although I do like that advice, I really like this girl. I want to be able to call her when I get back, set up a date, and continue where we left off without fearing her trying to "conquer and leave" me. Edited February 7, 2013 by lakerman34
Archgirl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 (edited) Nonononono! If I'm right, not replying to her is a BAD idea! If it was me even the fact that I'd messaged a guy before he messaged me would feel like the equivalent of saying I love you and not hearing it on return - I seriously think she's letting you know as best she can that she's into you while still being self-protective, if you really like her you're going to hve to be the one to make most of the moves until she feels safe. And she likes that you bring up the relationship - that's also glaringly obvious, so I really would do that every 25 days or so . anyway, the way to get her to let down her guards is not by putting up your own, it's by being consistent and open. I think you're having the same dating drama as me, only in reverse - it's doing me the world of good hearing the other side Edited February 7, 2013 by Archgirl Spelling
Author lakerman34 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Nonononono! If I'm right, not replying to her is a BAD idea! If it was me even the fact that I'd messaged a guy before he messaged me would feel like the equivalent of saying I love you and not hearing it on return - I seriously think she's letting you know as best she can that she's into you while still being self-protective, if you really like her you're going to hve to be the one to make most of the moves until she feels safe. And she likes that you bring up the relationship - that's also glaringly obvious, so I really would do that every 25 days or so . anyway, the way to get her to let down her guards is not by putting up your own, it's by being consistent and open. I think you're having the same dating drama as me, only in reverse - it's doing me the world of good hearing the other side Yeah I'll reply, I'll just wait a couple of days, is all.
Archgirl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Seriously! Empathy! How do you think that would make her feel? Insecure, unsure that you like her, what you're doing. In other words, not real good. If a guy makes me feel like that too often before I trust him, I write him off and see another guy. Sure keep a bit of mystery, keep her guessing a lil, but I bet her line of tolerance is a lot closer than most chicks.
Author lakerman34 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Seriously! Empathy! How do you think that would make her feel? Insecure, unsure that you like her, what you're doing. In other words, not real good. If a guy makes me feel like that too often before I trust him, I write him off and see another guy. Sure keep a bit of mystery, keep her guessing a lil, but I bet her line of tolerance is a lot closer than most chicks. So you think I SHOULD respond to her right away then? HAHAHA I asked her last night "honestly, I don't know how you tolerate me." She replied "I don't. I just get bored." (We have this running joke that she ONLY talks to me when she's bored).
Archgirl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I think you should respond in whatever time frame you usually would - why be just another game player when you've already got her attention so far by being genuine. duh. Yes..boredom is a primary motivation for smart chicks...guess that means you're pretty interesting to her huh?
Estate Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I think you should respond in whatever time frame you usually would - why be just another game player when you've already got her attention so far by being genuine. duh. Yes..boredom is a primary motivation for smart chicks...guess that means you're pretty interesting to her huh? Archgirl, I think you're not giving him good advice. You are saying this from the point of view of LOVING the guy! Sure, then he should reply! But is THIS girl in love with Lakerman? She's not showing signs that she is THAT into it yet so if she is at least playing some games and keeping things close to her chest then I wouldn't advise the OP to be so forthcoming, he's making himself too easy. What if you text hello to a guy friend you're not so into? What if he wrote back within 2 minutes and then again and again and again until you felt embarrassed not to write back... how attracted are you to that guy?
Author lakerman34 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Archgirl, I think you're not giving him good advice. You are saying this from the point of view of LOVING the guy! Sure, then he should reply! But is THIS girl in love with Lakerman? She's not showing signs that she is THAT into it yet so if she is at least playing some games and keeping things close to her chest then I wouldn't advise the OP to be so forthcoming, he's making himself too easy. What if you text hello to a guy friend you're not so into? What if he wrote back within 2 minutes and then again and again and again until you felt embarrassed not to write back... how attracted are you to that guy? Yeah, I think I'm right in the middle of you two. I did reply, but whatever, I'm OK with it. What I did was reply in a way that brought back an old argument that we "settled," but gave her pretty damning evidence that I'm in the right. THIS is going to drive her crazy.
Archgirl Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 Archgirl, I think you're not giving him good advice. You are saying this from the point of view of LOVING the guy! Sure, then he should reply! But is THIS girl in love with Lakerman? She's not showing signs that she is THAT into it yet so if she is at least playing some games and keeping things close to her chest then I wouldn't advise the OP to be so forthcoming, he's making himself too easy. What if you text hello to a guy friend you're not so into? What if he wrote back within 2 minutes and then again and again and again until you felt embarrassed not to write back... how attracted are you to that guy? Don't be ridiculous. There's a lot of difference between replying every second everyday etc and not replying for four days if you'd usually do it within a day. You guys are the ones giving him stupid boy advice about playing it cool so he doesn't get hurt. I'm giving him the advice most likely to get him what he says he wants - to pick up with her when he gets back and have her thinking about him as bf material.
Author lakerman34 Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 I think I'm going to respond anywhere between a range of right away - 3 days. I can see her as an over thinker (which could work to my advantage), and I could see her constantly checking to see if I responded to her yet. IDK I think keeping to the whole "in about a day," which I HAVE been doing, is a little eager, especially because I'm in another country for 80 days. I have to APPEAR as if I'm out and about making friends and keeping busy. That's what she wanted me to do, anyway.
Divasu Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 OP, you are THOUSANDS of miles away from someone during a time when things are most fragile --in the beginning stages of dating/relationship. I don't know if it is necessarily a good idea to get into any 'heavy' types of conversations with her, or 'texting' games for that matter. Why not just keep it light, until you return, so you can spend more time together in person getting to know each other better.
MidwestUSA Posted February 7, 2013 Posted February 7, 2013 I touched her jigglys AND her eh-eh, bro. Only thing I didn't do was give her access to mine. My friends (who all have beautiful girlfriends) told me what I did was a "veteran move." I've done this many times before kids, it's just the first time I put the brakes on a girl in hopes for having something meaningful with her. Jiggles and eh-eh. Now it's all clear to me.
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