borgman1964 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Hi My girlfriend/partner of five and a half years dumped me four weeks ago. Completely out of the blue, we had been great for months, no rows, lots of romancing from me, trips away, discussing holiday next year, lots of intimacy up until a couple of days before. An ex showed up on fb the week before and by the following friday I was dumped. On the saturday she was according to her google history, arranging for him to visit her! Within the week he was in her bed! I'm completely broken hearted, lost a stone and half, can't sleep, feel sick at the thought of her with him etc. She was cheating on me last year with a married colleague and I caught because she was suddenly all secretive about txts in the middle of the night and started passwording her phone etc. She promised she wouldnt do it again and it meant nothing although I know it carried on for a few more weeks til it fizzled out, I don't understand how someone who I loved (she would never tell me she loved me btw) would just say, "if I didnt want to be here with you I wouldnt be"! I dont understand how she can move on so quickly/cruelly shes biggin up her new bf all over fb like I am nothing. She is completely humiliating me , txting me saying that "she has found a real man to satisfy her now!" Why do I still have feelings for her?? I still love her and think this is a bad dream I'm going to wake up from?
TaraMaiden Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Fool me once, more fool you, fool me twice, more fool me! She had an affair - and you believed her? If she never told you she loved you - then she didn't. Delete, block, deny all access to you, erase her number on your phone, if she texts, send the 'blocked' message (See the No Contact Guide in my Signature.....) and realise that this woman is now someone else's problem. She's a bitch, and you should be relieved you're rid of her. Drop off her radar, and make her disappear.
Author borgman1964 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Thank you for your reply. I know logic says its pretty straight forward, but the heart says something else? I'm just in shock about it still i think. My heart was true for her, she was my soulmate. Never saw it coming. But you are right there was a degree of mis trust from before but it was fading more each day. She has since said pretty horrible stuff. We bought a house together in 2008. I moved out in 2010 to allow her more 'quality' time with her daughters. A house which I'm still paying half the mortgage still. She told me the other day that she would have dumped me sooner but she was concerned about the house, and 'jokingly' she says ideally i would die in a car crash and then the mortgage would be all paid off !! She gradually moved from being super attentive and affectionate to gradually belittling me and knocking my confidence at every opportunity, but then throw me a crumb of affection, sex, or whatever. I have googled and i think she might be a narcissist but i'm not sure. Maybe i just was not good enough for her, don't know really. I do know she still has me on the hook , hoping , waiting , praying that she will come back? What an idiot!! R
williamshakespeare Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Taramaiden is absolutely correct. Lose her big time! She's a real piece of work and you're better of w/out her. Look on the bright side - better you find out her true colors now than years down the road after you've wasted more time. You shouldn't be thinking about people who treated you like sh*t. Easier said than done I know. Invest in yourself. Look inwards rather than outwards at her. Focus on moving on and getting past this terrible episode asap.
TaraMaiden Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Thank you for your reply. I know logic says its pretty straight forward, but the heart says something else? I'm just in shock about it still i think. My heart was true for her, she was my soulmate. Never saw it coming. But you are right there was a degree of mis trust from before but it was fading more each day. She has since said pretty horrible stuff. We bought a house together in 2008. I moved out in 2010 to allow her more 'quality' time with her daughters. A house which I'm still paying half the mortgage still. She told me the other day that she would have dumped me sooner but she was concerned about the house, and 'jokingly' she says ideally i would die in a car crash and then the mortgage would be all paid off !! She gradually moved from being super attentive and affectionate to gradually belittling me and knocking my confidence at every opportunity, but then throw me a crumb of affection, sex, or whatever. I have googled and i think she might be a narcissist but i'm not sure. Maybe i just was not good enough for her, don't know really. I do know she still has me on the hook , hoping , waiting , praying that she will come back? What an idiot!! R I hate to tell you (nothing against you personally) but people come here seeking support and advice. They get it. Then promptly expand and justify, and pray for an about turn form the dumper! First off; Please forget the term 'soulmate'. There is no such thing. And that's not just me saying that - most people on here know that the term 'soul-mate' is a complete fantasy. Secondly, she is about as much an antithesis of a soul-mate as you could possibly get! Soul-mates don't cheat, they don't insult and they don't lie, they don't make nasty spiteful remarks about you dying, and they don't use you and take advantage of you. So take those rose-tinted specks off, right now. She may be a narcissist. She may be a sociopath. She may be a complete psycho. Or she might just be a plain, old-fashioned manipulative conniving bitch. Please read the No Contact Guide in my signature, and put it into immediate effect - 100%. You really do need to read it all. Every line. And all of the thread. At least 5 times. And see other threads here by guys who felt as you do - and manned up, grew a pair and lived to tell the tale. Contact a lawyer - and be sure to use your head, not your heart. 2
Survivor12 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) Tara, I respectfully disagree. There is such a thing as soulmates...those couples who have weathered the storms together for 50, 60 or 70 years and are still in love--THEY are soulmates. The thing is, you don't "meet" your soulmate, it's the years of love and devotion that make you one. Sorry about the h/j. Edited February 2, 2013 by Survivor12 Addition 2
dylan797 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Your gf cheated on you and you let it slide. Your relationship ended there. She doesn't respect you, mate. Once you let that slide, it's like saying to her, "please, do whatever you want and walk all over me." No respects someone they can walk all over. My advice, leave the chick alone. If she texts crazy stuff, call her the whore that she is and tell her to piss off. And then work on yourself mate. Be more confident. Never take that kind of nonsense. The fact she would text that crap proves she has no respect for you. Wy are you in love with someone who doesn't respect you??? She need to work on your self-esteem.
LostOne1 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Tara, I respectfully disagree. There is such a thing as soulmates...those couples who have weathered the storms together for 50, 60 or 70 years and are still in love--THEY are soulmates. The thing is, you don't "meet" your soulmate, it's the years of love and devotion that make you one. Sorry about the h/j. Gotta agree with you there. It's not finding a soul mate. It's all about being with someone for so long, hat the years of love and devotion = a soul mate. It's how you go through the BAD times AND the GOOD times. These days people just look at the bad times and bail out instead of realizing relationships WILL have bad times. it's HOW you get out of these bad times together which is what shows if the relationship is really true and strong. My grandparents are a living proof. They fight and what not, but 70 years together and they made it work. 1
ConfusedBrain Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 You love her and your feelings for her won't change anytime soon so accept it. Another thing if she never said the words I love you then you damn sure shouldn't have been letting her know you love her. She took that as weakness and that she could get away with murder cause you loved her. Dude she proved it by cheating and I'm guessing not taking a real effort to win your respect back. I don't want to sound harsh but you have to face the fact that you had on love colored glasses and got boned hard it a back way. So grevie this relationship, burn facebook cause it is the devil after a break up, remove anything and everything of her, block her number, and take this time to focus on you to heal from this.
Sugarkane Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 You deserve better than a liar and cheater. Stuff her. Now she can lie and cheat on someone else. That wasn't real love from someone.
Author borgman1964 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 Many thanks for the replies its very much appreciated. Been reading thru some of the other posts and clearly its not unusual at all what my reaction has been. Its quite reassuring in a way? But your advice is right, I have to realise that she doesn't deserve my love, and whatever I did or didn't do to contribute to her behaviour that she is the one who crossed the line. All sounds pretty straight forward ? Her new bf like I said before is an ex from over 25 years ago, and he lives 2 and half hours away with his own house , kids, and business. She has a job she loves down here and lives near her parents , so I'm not sure it will last beyond the honeymoon period? I hope not anyway and I hope when it goes wrong for her, that she will realise what she threw away! thanks again R
Author borgman1964 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 It seems a lot of people were right. It looks like she had been cheating on me again before she dumped me! Someone told me she has updated her fb status with her new relationship date a full 3 weeks before she dumped me!! I cant believe how shameless she is? I know NC will eventually help but its difficult at the mo because we have a house to sell, which i'm still paying half the mortgage for aswel as for my own rent in a flat. What an idiot I've been!
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 It seems a lot of people were right. It looks like she had been cheating on me again before she dumped me! Someone told me she has updated her fb status with her new relationship date a full 3 weeks before she dumped me!! I cant believe how shameless she is? I know NC will eventually help but its difficult at the mo because we have a house to sell, which i'm still paying half the mortgage for aswel as for my own rent in a flat. What an idiot I've been! No - you were clearly a lot more serious and committed than she ever was. You got duped - and trust me, a lot of level-headed, astute serious businessmen who have been professionals for a long time, fall for dishonest, profiteering schysters - so really, you shouldn't beat yourself up over this. Do what you need to do, on a practical level to disassociate yourself from her completely. I'm sorry this has proved to be so strenuous and stressful for you. Be well, and Hang in there. 1
Inviv_girl Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Sorry she cheated. Whatta b*t#h!! I know it is hard, especially if you love the person so dearly but really she doesnt deserve any of your time and love. Focus on yourself and only yourself. Whatever she do is none of your problem anymore and she is the problem of her new jerk now. Stay focus on your own happiness, you have to let her go! 1
fancy feast Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Lawyer up. Handle the situation with the house, then blank her completely.
Love Bytes Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Fool me once, more fool you, fool me twice, more fool me! She had an affair - and you believed her? If she never told you she loved you - then she didn't. Delete, block, deny all access to you, erase her number on your phone, if she texts, send the 'blocked' message (See the No Contact Guide in my Signature.....) and realise that this woman is now someone else's problem. She's a bitch, and you should be relieved you're rid of her. Drop off her radar, and make her disappear. Couldn't agree more. This is definitely one situation where full NC applies without question. I know it's hard to understand, but you're way better off, man.
Chi townD Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 OMG! REALLY?!?!?! What an evil BITCH! WOW! This thread got me spun up! SHe cheats on you once and you give her the benefit of the doubt to try and rebuild trust and then she cheats on you again. Now, she's sending you random texts like, " Now I'm with a real man that satsifies me."? Really? (although, I have a feeling that YOU'VE been sending texts prior to get this kind of response....). And the cherry on the top is that she wishes you were DEAD so the mortage could get paid off? REALLY?!? Dude, listen to Tara. Block her from all of your social media. CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER!!!! Anything about the house can be done through a lawyer. If you need to talk to her about the house, get a burner phone so she doesn't get your new number. (this is a LAST resort! Use a lawyer instead). 1
sweetheart5381 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Ya this one really is a gut-churner. Take Tara's advice, she knows what she's talking about. First step is getting a lawyer and retaining your financial health. Lawyers remove all the emotional crap. They may be expensive but you have paid too high a price already, another few hundred/thousand $$ is nothing to get this sort of trash out of your life. It never ceased to amaze me how many cruel people there are in this world.. sickening. Take care. 1
Author borgman1964 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 OMG! REALLY?!?!?! What an evil BITCH! WOW! This thread got me spun up! SHe cheats on you once and you give her the benefit of the doubt to try and rebuild trust and then she cheats on you again. Now, she's sending you random texts like, " Now I'm with a real man that satsifies me."? Really? (although, I have a feeling that YOU'VE been sending texts prior to get this kind of response....). Last week she sent me a text to ask if I would like to be her friend. But if I didnt want to that she would understand? However she said its not going to be a friendship with benefits type of offer! I ignored it then she texts and asks me to go around and fix her internet which isnt working, and tells me she been ill in bed for days. Funny how its also because her new boyfriend hasnt been down for a couple of weeks! I like an idiot go round to fix her internet, she is friendly. She then starts telling me about the things they are planning, like trips to places we have been to! She asks what was the response from my family about what happened, I tell her that my mum was really upset on the phone and began to cry, her response was "ha! she probably knew you won't do better and I was too good for you" Like an earlier poster, it takes a few hours sometimes for the reality of whats been said to sink in. I then text her in the evening, "I reject your offer of friendship, a friend doesnt use another friend for what they can get out of it. And as for your response when I told you how upset my mum was, well f*** you! You are nothing but a twisted narcisstic available to the highest bidder b***h. Do not contact me again!" She went nuts, kept phoning which i ignored then started sending more and more nasty texts, so I probably did deserve the text slagging off my manhood?? I switched my phone off, in the morning (valentines day, when she said her bf is visiting) she sends a txt saying she was upset because someone she knew had died (lying i think) and that if i want to apologise for my text she would be waiting.! I said i probably did go to far and i apologise. She then says she did too and she is sorry but it was because she was drinking(lying again i think, because she had the flu?) R
Author borgman1964 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 OMG! REALLY?!?!?! What an evil BITCH! WOW! This thread got me spun up! SHe cheats on you once and you give her the benefit of the doubt to try and rebuild trust and then she cheats on you again. Now, she's sending you random texts like, " Now I'm with a real man that satsifies me."? Really? (although, I have a feeling that YOU'VE been sending texts prior to get this kind of response....). And the cherry on the top is that she wishes you were DEAD so the mortage could get paid off? REALLY?!? Dude, listen to Tara. Block her from all of your social media. CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER!!!! Anything about the house can be done through a lawyer. If you need to talk to her about the house, get a burner phone so she doesn't get your new number. (this is a LAST resort! Use a lawyer instead). Last week she sent me a text to ask if I would like to be her friend. But if I didnt want to that she would understand? However she said its not going to be a friendship with benefits type of offer! I ignored it then she texts and asks me to go around and fix her internet which isnt working, and tells me she been ill in bed for days. Funny how its also because her new boyfriend hasnt been down for a couple of weeks! I like an idiot go round to fix her internet, she is friendly. She then starts telling me about the things they are planning, like trips to places we have been to! She asks what was the response from my family about what happened, I tell her that my mum was really upset on the phone and began to cry, her response was "ha! she probably knew you won't do better and I was too good for you" Like an earlier poster, it takes a few hours sometimes for the reality of whats been said to sink in. I then text her in the evening, "I reject your offer of friendship, a friend doesnt use another friend for what they can get out of it. And as for your response when I told you how upset my mum was, well f*** you! You are nothing but a twisted narcisstic available to the highest bidder b***h. Do not contact me again!" She went nuts, kept phoning which i ignored then started sending more and more nasty texts, so I probably did deserve the text slagging off my manhood?? I switched my phone off, in the morning (valentines day, when she said her bf is visiting) she sends a txt saying she was upset because someone she knew had died (lying i think) and that if i want to apologise for my text she would be waiting.! I said i probably did go to far and i apologise. She then says she did too and she is sorry but it was because she was drinking(lying again i think, because she had the flu?) R
Chi townD Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 OMG! REALLY?!?!?! What an evil BITCH! WOW! This thread got me spun up! SHe cheats on you once and you give her the benefit of the doubt to try and rebuild trust and then she cheats on you again. Now, she's sending you random texts like, " Now I'm with a real man that satsifies me."? Really? (although, I have a feeling that YOU'VE been sending texts prior to get this kind of response....). Last week she sent me a text to ask if I would like to be her friend. But if I didnt want to that she would understand? However she said its not going to be a friendship with benefits type of offer! I ignored it then she texts and asks me to go around and fix her internet which isnt working, and tells me she been ill in bed for days. Funny how its also because her new boyfriend hasnt been down for a couple of weeks! I like an idiot go round to fix her internet, she is friendly. She then starts telling me about the things they are planning, like trips to places we have been to! She asks what was the response from my family about what happened, I tell her that my mum was really upset on the phone and began to cry, her response was "ha! she probably knew you won't do better and I was too good for you" Like an earlier poster, it takes a few hours sometimes for the reality of whats been said to sink in. I then text her in the evening, "I reject your offer of friendship, a friend doesnt use another friend for what they can get out of it. And as for your response when I told you how upset my mum was, well f*** you! You are nothing but a twisted narcisstic available to the highest bidder b***h. Do not contact me again!" She went nuts, kept phoning which i ignored then started sending more and more nasty texts, so I probably did deserve the text slagging off my manhood?? I switched my phone off, in the morning (valentines day, when she said her bf is visiting) she sends a txt saying she was upset because someone she knew had died (lying i think) and that if i want to apologise for my text she would be waiting.! I said i probably did go to far and i apologise. She then says she did too and she is sorry but it was because she was drinking(lying again i think, because she had the flu?) R Yeah, I had a feeling you threw it out there first. Women always go below the belt when they're pissed. You need to start no contact with this girl right now. Seriously, for your own sanity. I would block her on FB and change your phone number. I can believe that she stated that she was going to wait for YOUR apology. Unreal. I mean, after you stood there and had to endure her telling you about her new boyfriend, and him coming down to see her on V-day and all the places they're going to go that you used to take her to. Unreal. Yeah, I would have apologized. I would have sorry I ever met such a uncaring and heartless woman. I'm sorry I wasted my time. Dude, you need to do a hard NC. I mean go completely dark on her.
Author borgman1964 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Yeah, I had a feeling you threw it out there first. Women always go below the belt when they're pissed. You need to start no contact with this girl right now. Seriously, for your own sanity. I would block her on FB and change your phone number. I can believe that she stated that she was going to wait for YOUR apology. Unreal. I mean, after you stood there and had to endure her telling you about her new boyfriend, and him coming down to see her on V-day and all the places they're going to go that you used to take her to. Unreal. Yeah, I would have apologized. I would have sorry I ever met such a uncaring and heartless woman. I'm sorry I wasted my time. Dude, you need to do a hard NC. I mean go completely dark on her. I know, thank you for your comments i appreciate them all. That "getting a real man" one is her new default insult, she used it at first and is using it again cause she knows it hurts. R
sweetheart5381 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I know, thank you for your comments i appreciate them all. That "getting a real man" one is her new default insult, she used it at first and is using it again cause she knows it hurts. R It won't hurt if you don't hear it. NC all the way. 1
Darren Steez Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hi My girlfriend/partner of five and a half years dumped me four weeks ago. Completely out of the blue, we had been great for months, no rows, lots of romancing from me, trips away, discussing holiday next year, lots of intimacy up until a couple of days before. An ex showed up on fb the week before and by the following friday I was dumped. On the saturday she was according to her google history, arranging for him to visit her! Within the week he was in her bed! I'm completely broken hearted, lost a stone and half, can't sleep, feel sick at the thought of her with him etc. She was cheating on me last year with a married colleague and I caught because she was suddenly all secretive about txts in the middle of the night and started passwording her phone etc. She promised she wouldnt do it again and it meant nothing although I know it carried on for a few more weeks til it fizzled out, I don't understand how someone who I loved (she would never tell me she loved me btw) would just say, "if I didnt want to be here with you I wouldnt be"! I dont understand how she can move on so quickly/cruelly shes biggin up her new bf all over fb like I am nothing. She is completely humiliating me , txting me saying that "she has found a real man to satisfy her now!" Why do I still have feelings for her?? I still love her and think this is a bad dream I'm going to wake up from? She cheated, walked all over you and what did you do? Welcomed her back with open arms and "romanced her" more. That was when the respect she lost for you while she was having her affair really was cemented. You pine over someone who spit on your face, kicked you in the balls then slapped you. Ok she really didn't do that but that is what cheating is, it's not physical, it's akin to emotional abuse isn't it. So why oh why would you still want someone like that in your life. You should take this as the biggest gift life has ever given you, a life free of her. Get over it. She's not worth it. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 borgman1964, You have to quit responding. Every time she contacts you is not a signal that you can break no contact.... It's not juts you who mustn't contact her - you must also resiste eacha nd every single temptation to resply, and ignore, block and deny every single possible attempt she makes to connect with you. There must be absolutely no interaction between the two of you, at all, ever. You have to get this through your head.... No more replying, responding or anything - NO MATTER HOW TEMPTED YOU ARE!! It's not ok, to 'just reply to this, quickly'.... NO! Nothing!! Never again!!
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