Just make it stop.

[Lylynn]

I miss my husband so much. It just hurts so much and I feel so sick to my stomach. I wish we didn't have these problems, I wish we didn't fight so much and could just love each other. I don't know why he doesn't understnad things and why he can be so judgemental. I don't know why I can be so judgemental of him. I just want to have a good relationship, I really do. I wish it could all just change and go away, I just want it to get better.

[Lylynn]

Sorry for just putting that out there. I know there's nothing that can really be said to that. I am having an incredibly hard time dealing with things and putting it into words. Which is absurd, because I have this ridiculously advanced education in writing, I'm supposed to be clear, what I say is supposed to be well thought out, but it really often isn't.

 

It's stuff like that that makes me think that I just have far too many faults. I try to be honest and face up to what i'm genuinely doing wrong - in this relationship, and others in my life. I am an extremely nervous person, and have this imposter's complex that tends to really get in my way. My husband actually gets mad at me for it, he blames me for my anxiety and says i'll never get any better and he doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is like that. I know that so much of it has to do with having had so much trauma in my life, and in our relationship, and in not feeling loved or supported - I think the evidence of that is right there in the accusation that 'i'll just never get better and so its not worth it' for him. I wish I could get over my anxiety, feelings that people are judging me, that's i'm over stepping, or that i'm imposing, or that i'll be 'found out' to be an imposter in so many areas in my life, but I just haven't been able to. We're talking, I've been in therapy now for most of my adult life, and it just hasn't gotten any better. I have precious few friends, and no support network whatsoever, and I don't know why.

 

I have been losing my hair, and i'm incredibly depressed. I really don't like leaving the house, and I just got a new job after nearly three years of unemployment after finishing my masters degree. I'm so scared that now that my husband is freaking out and leaving me again that i'm going to screw up and lose my job. I'm trying to make new friends at work, but things are just going so horrifically badly in my life, and I just desperately need people to talk to so badly, that I'm afraid of burdening them with my problems right off the hop and coming off as just plain weird and way too nervous.

 

If my relationship with my husband is just plain broken and we're not right for one another, I'd like to sincerely just move on, but I'm just so scared. I'm so alone, and I have no one in my life, and i'm in this very insecure position in my new entry level job, and we're in phenomenal amounts of debt due to our various degrees and have just recently lost his funding. He graduates soon, and we need him to get a job to get us out of the hole we're going to dig over the next few months on credit cards just to survive - but if he leaves, I'm going to be stuck needing to move, on my limited measly income all by myself, with no friends and incredible difficulty in socialising generally. My therapist is lovely, and I wish I could see her more often, but I can't afford to anymore since my husband lost his funding...

 

I'm so sorry this is such a rambling mess. I don't know how to get this out properly. I hope it can just start some kind of dialogue. I'm so scared, and so alone, and I so badly want to make things better and work on myself for all those things that are my fault, I just also feel so hard done by at times and so mistreated by him, emotionally, that I don't have any trust left for him and even during the good times when he's being nice to me I can't help but be terse. I wish it could change, I want things to be different so badly. I just don't know where to begin.

[revitup]

I do know that it's easier to "dig out" with a Master's degree than a GED!

 

There's one thing to be grateful for at least.I know that it is scary to see change in anything new.You will need to give all of us here a little more insight into why you see this happening.

 

Length of relationship,kids,jobs,housing,backgrounds,feelings and a few of the things going on now and in the past inside of your marriage.

 

It is hard to put into words,it's also necessary.You know this though.You can do it,we all have been there where you are and we made it.You will too.

 

REVITUP

[Lylynn]

Thanks for writing. It's just such a long story. We've been together for 10 years now, married for 5. He never really had any other relationships other than online ones before we got together, had never moved out on his own, was relatively inexperienced in the adult world. Myself, I had had a really ****ty childhood and moved out at 16. We've known each other since we were 12 years old, but started dating in our early 20s. When we first got together, there was a lot of playing chase - he pursued me relentlessly, even though I was coming out of a crappy relationship that had gone on far too long and wanted some time to be alone. I gave in though, and we quickly got engaged and bought a house. He wasn't ready for that, but I was pushy - I needed security, I had no family to speak of, and at that point had just gotten back to the country after working overseas. I was a troubled young girl, and that attracted him to me - he had a saviour personality, and always prided himself on how much he was always there for friends and everyone else when they needed him. So at the beginning, he was incredibly supportive, helped me get my life together, and get through my undergraduate degree, while he got through his.

Life quickly got tense between us. I got frustrated with all the stuff he just couldn't seem to figure out about keeping a house, about being 'present' and showing me he wanted to build a home with me. I was a perfectionist, and a bit more of an 'adult' than he was when he wasn't ready to do that kind of thing yet. No matter how much I explained how I was feeling like he didn't give a damn about me because of his lack of interest in doing stuff with our home or planning for the future, he just didn't seem to get it. Or he'd 'get it', and say how sorry he was, and that things were going to change. This is a recurring situation throughout our whole marriage - that I explain how things he's doing are making me feel, and why, and he'll say that he just doesn't 'get me', or that he does, but then within a couple of weeks he denies that any of his apologies ever happened and 'why can't he have an opinion, why isn't he allowed to argue'. He can, and we talk about it, but if we disagree, we have absolutely no coping mechanism for how to move forward from that. I feel that my reasons for wanting something one way are superior to his for whatever reasons (which typically have to do with me feeling 'at peace' or 'at ease' in my life), and he ends up just accusing me of having an 'anxiety disorder' or not being 'easy going' enough, or not caring about his need to have fun, or his needs. He thinks what I want is stupid, or that i've over doing things, or that I'm the reason behind everything bad that's ever happened to us (moving nearly constantly due to crappy rental places or really loud neighbours, us losing nearly all of our savings through bad house purchasing decisions, our wedding, and two global backpacking trips, four degrees and living expenses over the years, etc.) Eventually he apologises, says he was wrong and that he's being uncaring and unfair, that that isn't the kind of person he wants to be... he's always incredibly sincere, i'll cry, look him in the eyes, and we'll talk about what we need to do to make it so these kind of things don't happen again, so I stop being hurt by him over and over again... and then within a couple of weeks he's back to forgetting the conversation ever happened again, and bitter with me, again.

 

The things is, these conversations have become extreme. I'll start sensing that he's getting cold with me again, I'll get upset and start crying because I know what's coming, and that just sets him off. He gets cold, he turns away, he won't look at me, he'll accuse me of 'being horrible to the neighbours' when I'm really just feeling terrorised for being put through it all, all over again, and feeling abandoned, depressed and uncared for, when we literally just resolved it a week or two prior. He keeps promising he won't drag me through it again at every 'make up', but he does, and then I have to go through it all and convince him in a process that can take literally days. The fear I have over this is incredible - it is absolutely making my life completely miserable, and I live in fear of the next time he's going to snap and decide he doesn't give a damn and that 'hes the one suffering the abuse' again. So much of his problem with me is my fears over not being good enough, not being liked, worrying about work, how things are going at work, etc, but you'd think a person who loved you would be supportive and not just hate you and get short tempered about those kinds of things? I'm a bright person, my powers of perception might be a little high strung, but they're not generally inaccurate. He just seems to be incredibly bitter with me for being 'negative' and 'not trusting in people' when quite frankly, oftentimes he's just naive.

 

I've been blamed erroneously by him after the fact for things that were really quite horrible for me (losing a job that 50% of the people who have worked there have ended up having to leave or being let go for one reason or another due to horrible management and intense internal politics), despite having killed myself to keep it and going through months of self-questioning and blame only to have myself vindicated through have my ex-job being called to account for it through official channels. He's said to his friends that he has to go 'placate the wife', he's told his advisor that i'm 'having mental breakdowns' and so that's why he's not getting his work done (when actually he was just screwing around for months, playing video games, and going for 'long walks' during the day), he's lied to me over and over again about stupid things (and some not so stupid things, like a trip to vegas that was supposed to be a 'conference' but was actually a boy's weekend out, being months behind on his thesis, setting up accounts to have netsex with random people on the internet - whether this did or didn't happen is up for grabs, he says he didn't actually go through with it, but the intent was there), i've been called lazy, incompetent, and of course all the random woman-directed insults. The lying about what he's been doing, what he intends to do, not talking to me has been incredible though. And through it all, his defense has been that I 'get angry', so it's because of his 'fear' of my reactions that he lies. He lies about contacting councillors, when we've literally just made up and he's been 'so sincerely sorry' and then though he could get away with it and then apologised profusely when he's caught, but stated that he 'didn't want to let me down' by admitting he was lying, again. I mean, that we might have a disagreement or I'd express dissapointment with him over something seems like a fairly normal but unfortunate relationship occurrence, it seems to me that the onus is on him to put things out there and my responsibility is for how I react to that news. Is it wrong to be dissapointed, or even god forbid frusturated, when it's something i've asked after tons of times?

 

On my part, I know I've been hyper critical at times. I know he's felt unloved, unattractive or wanted, that i've given him the cold shoulder. As much as he's held me down on the couch or threatened to 'smack me' if I don't 'shut up' or accused me of being horrible to the neighbours, or coldly stepped over me when I'm sobbing on the floor and begging him not to hurt me anymore or to leave, I've cried so loudly, and I've screamed at him. We've both thrown things. In the past (thought this changed about 8 months ago) I used to just get angry and throw or break things and swear and be incredibly nasty. For the last while though, I realised that I needed to translate the hurt from being expressed as anger, back into hurt, so really now all i do is get upset and cry, and that crying can be really loud as I become more devastated at what's happening, again. But i'm no longer throwing things, and i'm not angry, i'm just incredibly hurt, sobbing and begging him to reconsider the approach he's taking and to please stop threatening to leave at every single argument. It just gets so out of hand. As much as at one point I thought we were done, and had left our relationship nearly four years ago now, I realised at that time that I actually, really loved him. We've been together ever since, but there's just been so much crap back and forth between us, on both ends.

 

I'm so tired of it all, and I really just want everything to get better. I don't know why he won't put the effort into the councillor - I know it has to be him that makes that call because he constantly is going back on his comittment to try to work things out, and it needs to be him to take that step. I am always the one holding this together, begging him to come back, saying it can work out - he has to put something into it. I just feel like he has so little understanding for my concerns, for the things I'm struggling with, and that he really has become a monster who despite knowing the emotional care and support I need, just takes advantage of my vulnerabilities and abuses me emotionally - and to what end, I have no idea. It just feels sadistic. After these blow outs, when he decided he's remorseful, he really is, for a week or so. The emotional and literal abandonment of our agreements and relationship week after week though is really taking a toll on me.

 

Anyways, I hope this helps. It's complicated, like I said. I'm trying to be brutally honest, both for myself and for you reading - I really honest to god want to find some answers, some way forward.

I guess I should also mention we have no kids, which thank god because I feel bad just for the cats when these blow outs happen, one of them squeeks and cries and tries to get in between us, and it just breaks my heart. I can't imagine what this kind of thing would do to kids.

 

Thanks for listening.

[ataloss8270]

Lylynn,

 

I completely understand your social problem. I have the same problem myself. But sense my wife left I have actually improve my social skills 10X in such a short period (she been gone only a month). I find I am so lonely that it forces me to talk to other people and to put myself out there. I went to the park today with my kids and actually talked to another dad and got his number so we could get our boys together another time. Which is so out of the norm for me I couldn't believe myself when I left that I actually did it. Now I just have to take the next step, which is the hardest for me of actually calling him again and not feel that I am being imposing or bothering him. I am so proud of myself I could almost jump for joy!

 

I to am in councling and anger management for many problems I have from childhood. I was raised to feel I have no self worth, I was very emotionally abuse, the only emotion I was aloud to have was anger (which has caused the bulk of my relationship problems), and to be very controlling. But I decided when I started that unless I took what she said and actually applied what I'm learning, it I would only be wasting my time and money for years to come. My councillor is actually amazed at the leaps and bounds I've made in my own self image, my fear of the future, my fear of peoples judgements of me and so on. It took me 30 years to finally see that what my parents have done to me is not right, and that what they have told me about myself over all these years is just crap! I have actually lost a lot of respect for my parents as I have progressed, and I look at them in a completely different way than before. I use to idealize them and tried to do my best get there approval, now I could care less about what they think of me.

 

I found that small baby steps at the beginning are actually allowing me to make great leaps faster than trying g to make great leaps and failing and setting myself back even further than I was before.

 

Your H may or may not see your improvements within yourself, but you need to do these things for you not him. You do them for him your only kidding yourself and you will revert back to what you were before once you feel you have him locked again. I did this once before, I reverted back and lost her again. Because I changed for her, not me. This time it is for me. I have started to become indifferent about what happens between her and I, which has allowed me to really start to look at myself as an "I" not an "us". Hope this helps you alittle on your path to improvement.

[revitup]

You are a good writer.The story is full of little hints and nobody knows how they all will tie into each other or whether we have the full story as of now.

 

I know how it feels to be in your spot,my STBXWW was in the same spot except she was the actual issue.More specifically it was her childhood.There was no abusive behavior on my part as there was on your Husband's according to you.If there is physical and or mental abuse you should leave and not look back,that's true if it is on either your part or his.

 

I do think you could be afraid of abandonment due to the childhood and prior relationship experiences you mention.These may be clouding your judgement as to your H and his behavior toward you.It's simply something to think about.He may be truly a monster who doesn't care but it not impossible that he is tired and confused after trying to help for some time.You mention that he was supportive and helpful in the beginning,why do you think he changed?

 

Was there another person involved in either your lives (either emotional affair or physical)?

 

How intimate and affectionate is your relationship?

Has your closeness to each other recently changed?Abruptly?

Have either of you recently gained any new "friends"?

Do you want to be married to this man?

Do you think he loves you?What does he say that makes you think he loves or does not love you?

 

I am sorry for being direct here but it is the only way I know to answer your questions.

 

REVITUP

[Lylynn]

Thanks guys.

 

Yeah, our relationship has been bad for literally years, so the year after we got married I decided we needed time apart and moved away for my masters degree. We just grew more and more distant and I felt that the relationship was ending, and had a relationship with someone for a few months while I was away. I felt incredibly bad about it, but was absolutely on the up and up with him about it and have been completely honest about the entire thing. I haven't spoken to or heard from the guy since immediately after I broke up with him.

 

See, I realised during this time that as much as I can't stand him sometimes, and I'm not so thrilled about the stuff he likes that I'm not into, my husband is a nice guy, and I keep believing he's a wonderful, kind, ethical and thoughtful man, despite what he keeps doing to me. I keep thinking that his goofiness and immaturity compliment me well. I try to believe that, but sometimes it's just so inane, and he's so obsessed with being a 'geek' and getting together with his single friends that I feel he's really just a man-child who can't accept he's married or grow-up. I know that's pretty judgmental though, so I am trying so hard to accept him for who he is and let him be himself... I really do love him, and I want him to enjoy his life, and if I'm weighing him down constantly by all my worrying and more 'serious' pursuits he's really not into, that's not very fair of me.

 

He's here to talk now, so I'll write more soon.

[dejame]

My thoughts are that the micro details of a relationship falling apart provide cover for what is causing the problems. The "he did this and I did this" are the symptoms of the real issue.

 

So many relationships fail because we aren't accepting of our partners and cling too tightly to our own selfish wants at the expense of the relationship. And, I'm saying this out of the personal "defects" that I believe I personally had at the expense of my marriage.

 

This isn't to take the other person in my marriage off the hook. It takes two with the possible exception of true clinical craziness.

 

Currently working through my marriage failure recovery. I think we partly need to use the "fake it until we make it" strategy and do some pretending regarding our state of mind. Otherwise, we can fall into the abyss of depression fairly easily as the divorce process winds its expensive path towards the ending resolution. Whatever that may be for any of us.

[fred sanford]

You sound just like me....everything u just said....my wife did things and so did I but I still want her but u really can't make someone love u.....all u can do is worry about yourself...love yourself and dnt put ur happiness in any humans hands cause we are imperfect....anyway its been a week since I spoke to my wife and she move out 2 mths ago....I'm getting over her....so just worry about urself love !!

[dejame]

in the end we can only control our own emotions. Eventually, we will recover.

[Heferaton]

Lylynn I see after a year of marriage you left and had an affair with someone else. Was he aware at the time and was he having one as well? As you were pushing for self security in life which he wasn't really sure or understood the time you spent in someone elses arms might be something he cannot see past. He obviously has trust and growing up issues with himself so it's easier to deflect and say it's your problem. If you were able to make it work again I would recommend marriage counseling and a therapist.