Well today's my date

[Estate]

She did play him. And he should feel bitter. I don't necessarily agree with what is talked about here that people are free to treat you like garbage and all you do is put a smile on. F*** that. If he wants to feel bad, let him feel bad. Let him get it out of his system as opposed to letting it bottle up.

 

Dave, I'm sorry this happened. Best thing to do is to cut off all contact immediately. No sense in talking to this girl again.

 

In the future, look for stronger signs of interest. Logic plays no role in dating whatsoever. Remember that. You may think "well, she agreed to blah blah blah, so logic says, she's into me". As me and ES told you earlier, the chick wasn't into you. Setting up the date should not have been like pulling teeth. If people are interested, they make it work.

 

Anyway, she handled it pretty poorly to say the least, but chalk it up as a learning experience and move on.

 

How many dates did they go on? 1?

She was quiet entitled to see other people, and Dave should have been doing the same thing.

 

 

What she did was very fair and respectful. She was straight up and honest. She probably went on a date sometime in between the one with Dave and while initially open to going on the dinner date (even though she didn't seem thrilled by the way he was coaxed to force it on here), and she just felt something more with the other guy....

 

So rather than waste Daves time on the date, string him out, or worse, just ignore him to get out of it.... she sent him a nice message telling him the truth and allowing him to move on without any confusion or waiting around on her.

 

Well done on her part I say, not every girl will "man up" and give someone the respect of letting them know score.

[Bristolius]

Just skimmed through this. Dave, it must suck. But I'm impressed at all the men and women posting here. They were all rooting for you! That's evidence that you're OK and you're on the right track. Next time you'll do this restaurant thing much more easily.

[MrCastle]

How many dates did they go on? 1?

She was quiet entitled to see other people, and Dave should have been doing the same thing.

 

 

What she did was very fair and respectful. She was straight up and honest. She probably went on a date sometime in between the one with Dave and while initially open to going on the dinner date (even though she didn't seem thrilled by the way he was coaxed to force it on here), and she just felt something more with the other guy....

 

So rather than waste Daves time on the date, string him out, or worse, just ignore him to get out of it.... she sent him a nice message telling him the truth and allowing him to move on without any confusion or waiting around on her.

 

Well done on her part I say, not every girl will "man up" and give someone the respect of letting them know score.

 

Well done? How soon did she realize she was interested in another guy? Did this just happen? Because their date was tomorrow. Doesn't really give Dave a whole lot of time to do something else with that free time he set aside for her does it? But I can guarantee where she'll be same time tomorrow. On a date with the other guy.

 

I will not commend a woman who agreed to a date, then cancelled the day before because she all of a sudden realized she liked someone else.

 

I agree there are worse ways she could have handled it, but it's still a crappy thing to do. OP is a human being with feelings.

[Estate]

Well done? How soon did she realize she was interested in another guy? Did this just happen? Because their date was tomorrow. Doesn't really give Dave a whole lot of time to do something else with that free time he set aside for her does it? But I can guarantee where she'll be same time tomorrow. On a date with the other guy.

 

I will not commend a woman who agreed to a date, then cancelled the day before because she all of a sudden realized she liked someone else.

 

I agree there are worse ways she could have handled it, but it's still a crappy thing to do. OP is a human being with feelings.

 

She had a choice! Unfortunately for Dave she didn't pick him this time.

But she showed respect and maturity to tell him the truth.... so what if the date was tomorrow, she most likely had been mulling it over for a day or two and then just went with her gut.

 

I mean would you prefer she already knew and STILL went out, strung Dave along and got a free meal out of it? Because THAT would suck a lot more.

 

She told the truth... how could she have done better?

[MrCastle]

She had a choice! Unfortunately for Dave she didn't pick him this time.

But she showed respect and maturity to tell him the truth.... so what if the date was tomorrow, she most likely had been mulling it over for a day or two and then just went with her gut.

 

I mean would you prefer she already knew and STILL went out, strung Dave along and got a free meal out of it? Because THAT would suck a lot more.

 

She told the truth... how could she have done better?

 

Like I said, she could have done worse. And you mentioned one way it could have gone.

 

She left nonverbal cues that me and ES, and a few others picked up, but then again, it is much easier for outsiders to give an unbiased perspective, and it's easier to see something when you're not in it.

 

But she gave no verbal cues that there was actually someone else involved.

 

She said "great!" just a few hours ago when they set up the date. Hardly the response of someone mulling over two men. She could have said, instead of going through all the headaches of setting up the proper date--"I'm not sure, I'm actually seeing other people and I don't know what to make of it yet".

 

Not agree to the date, seem enthusiastic about it, and then cancel. That's messed up.

[Estate]

They were not in a relationship... until you are exclusive with someone you should assume you are not!

 

You said there were ways she COULD have done better? What are those things?

 

Why would you tell someone after 1 date "Hey, so I had an amazing date with this other dude last night, thought you should know".

 

 

She handled herself well. Sorry.

[ChatroomHero]

Her text sounded like a poor excuse she made up to not look bad for cancelling on him. If she was worried about dating two people why didn't she say the same thing when she supposedly met the new guy..."I have a date set up and it wouldn't be fair to Dave..."?

 

What are the odds she met this guy and found time to meet up with him between when she agreed to the date tonight and tonight, if she is too busy for contact with Dave?

 

I think she lost interest after he cancelled because of the weather and she played the hero card. I wouldn't pat her on the back for it but I wouldn't condemn her over it either. Sounds to me like she just came up with an excuse that doesn't leave anything open-ended for future propositions from Dave.

[OCCDAVE]

Just skimmed through this. Dave, it must suck. But I'm impressed at all the men and women posting here. They were all rooting for you! That's evidence that you're OK and you're on the right track. Next time you'll do this restaurant thing much more easily.

Still got alot of learning in this dating game but ill figure it out someday

[OCCDAVE]

I guess I got mixed feelings about this .I know if you are not exclusive you should expect both ppl to still be dating.This great guy she met is what confuses me.I agree the yes for the dinner almost came out forced and my gut even told me something was off but then why not break the news sooner?Then again why maintain contact throughout the week calling /texting me?Hell even the call she made yesterday we were joking having a good convo.Guess only good that came she didn't get her free meal then drop the bomb .Guess dust myself off and try again ugh.

Edited February 8, 2013 by OCCDAVE
Spelling

[ChatroomHero]

Dave not every rejection is an emotional one or based on looks...sometimes based on logistics like living farther apart especially in winter makes dating seem like a chore to get together, brave the snow, coordinate a date your are both open etc.

 

Sometimes when nothing is really invested she might look at the situation as more stressful than fun and it is easier to bail. I wouldn't take it personally it might not have been about you so much as making the time to date and adding the extra work of dating.

[candie13]

When I starting seeing my Belgium guy, I was actually already dating another guy - French. I liked the French, but I didn't get the feeling he liked me that much... turn out, I was right.

 

I did give my current date some signs I wasn't all that hot for him. He could have easily given up, because of my "not so obvious signs". But... I chose to go out on dates with both of them. And after 2-3 weeks, when the Belgium guy finally picked up the courage to kiss me, I've decided to stop playing games and focus on him - other than a good kisser, he was very consistent and very clear about his interest in me.

 

Different people. I agree that it is a lot safer to follow the obvious signs. There will be a LOT of people out there, saying "I told you so", when things are about to go wrong. But you learnt more about dating by continuing to keep in touch and making that extra mile, than by stopping when she seemed less interested. YOU never know.

 

IMHO, that girl should not have said anything about another man (I think it's a lie). IMHO, she is immature and has no idea what she wants. But, she did do well to decide to NOT see you, if that's how she felt. And, she also did you a favor for not meeting you.

 

So yeah, Dave, you can resent her, because she wasn't straight up with you from the beginning - you could have saved time and hot gotten you hopes up. But, she leveled up - saving you from more wasted time and wasted money. What did this bring you? Experience. I think you need it. Plenty.

 

The more you date, the better you'll get at reading the signs. Sometimes they're obvious, but other times, you'll have to go with your gut and risk to get a "No". It all depends on how big is your ego and how much you take rejection personally.

 

If you ask me, it's a numbers' game: the more girls you ask out, the higher the chances one / some of them will say yes. Play the game, focus on the rules and get dates! Many!

 

Sorry it didn't turn out ok this time, better chance next time!

[clia]

I don't think either one of them did anything wrong here, but I do think this is a good example of why it is important to meet fairly quickly in real life when you are doing online dating. I thought she did seem into Dave, but this first date has been percolating for two weeks now, which is quite awhile. In the past two weeks she very well could have had a first date with another guy, and decided she liked him and wanted to pursue things with him only. As of right now, Dave is just a voice on the phone and words in her text application. He's not real because she hasn't met him yet, so of course he is at a disadvantage. He can't even compete. I think it was actually quality of her to cancel on him in advance if she wasn't into it and was going to be thinking about this other guy. A lot of women would've just taken the free meal and poofed. Dave would've dropped probably $50-75 on dinner and drinks, if not more, and driven all the way out there, and would've ended up feeling worse.

 

Dave -- You'll be fine. And realistically, did you want to date a woman longterm who lived that far away? When I did OLD I eventually stopped talking to anyone who didn't live in the city, just because the logistics were such a pain in the butt. You can't just see each other for a quick bite to eat, or meet up for an hour or two. Everything is a major ordeal due to the drive, reliance on traffic/accidents/weather, etc. Maybe try to focus on women who live a little closer to you for now, where you can arrange to meet up for a cup of coffee or a quick drink just to establish that in person meeting much more quickly.

[SJC2008]

Well update wow didn't see this coming

 

 

Hey Dave I need talk to you. I already met someone and he's been so nice with me so far and I don't think it is a good idea meet you too. Because it won't be fair with both of you. I'm sorry, about that.I just want to make things right .

 

 

Not even gonna get into then why agree to dinner ugh I feel sick

 

Sorry this happened to you dave. It was the "I dunno tbh" test that had me worried. It's sad that when you give the benefit of the doubt in dating it doesn't work out more iften than not.

[Cutiepie1976]

Dave, so sorry things didn't work out this time.

 

IIRC, she lives in the city and you live 65 miles away. You had not had a first date yet because you had cancelled it last week, telling her, "forget it."

 

Ten million reasons why she might have cancelled on you now. Distance, her perception that you seemed flaky or unenthusiastic, recognizing that while a good guy you wouldn't be compatible (from the list of restaurant choices you initially mentioned, your conversations, etc.), the hassle it was taking to even meet, another guy who she just dated who seemed a much better fit for her, someone she was dating who just asked her to be exclusive, etc. The list goes on.

 

Review the situation for what you might want to improve then get back out there. At the end of the day, no one owes the other anything. You hadn't even dated yet!

 

I would be careful to read into what a complete stranger that you've never met does. That becomes about projecting you, your fears and insecurities, and your situation on the stranger, and less the reality of her situation. Besides you just never know. With my last long-term boyfriend, I was very ambivalent going into our first date. Great catch but I really didn't think we would be compatible. He, however, was very enthusiastic about dating me and planned a great first date. We totally hit it off. Turned into a six hour date instead of just dinner. Afterwards, he texted me, and we ended up texting for a couple of hours. I had four other first dates scheduled the next day. I cancelled three. I only went to the fourth because it would have been rude to cancel via text a couple of hours before we were to meet for breakfast, especially after he had confirmed the day before.

 

You'll have a tough time if you get worked up every time a first date never materializes. Yes, it's a bummer that she cancelled. It's a bummer when I forget my umbrella and get caught in the rain. It happens. Live. Learn. Adjust. Move on.