blondebeea Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) So not sure if this is in the right place. I googled something and came to this site. I am an absolute wreck. I haven't slept much in 3 days or eaten. Not sure if I should post our whole back story but here goes. Me and my ex started dating 13 years go. I am 29 and have known him since I was in 4th grade. We grew up down the street from each other. When I was 17 I ran into him at a party and that week we moved in with each other. We were into drugs and partied pretty much the whole time. About a year into it he broke up with me. I cried and begged him back for about 6 months. He wouldn't get back with me. I didn't see him for a few months and then he showed up one day to see if I was okay and that was the last time I saw him for about two years. The next time I saw him we had both drastically changed our lives. I had met several guys had been in a relationship and none compared to him. He showed up at my house one night.i still remember to this day that someone knocking on my door and I open it and its him. I just hugged him and everything felt okay for the first time in 2 years. He had joined the army and was off drugs. We were together from that time until about a year and half later when he went to Iraq. He broke up with me while over there and I had met a guy. The guy was great but I loved my ex. That was always a issue in my relationship with the new guy at the time. Well anyway my ex came back from Iraq after 10 months and begged me back. I refused. Still don't know why I did. Well 6 months down the road me and I'll call him chris break up. I try to get back with my ex sam but he had met someone. We decided to be friends and drifted apart. He was with her for 4 years. I thought about him all the time. I was in a relationship with one guy for 2 years who cheated constantly and I always thought about Sam. Well about a year after that break up I was at work one day and decided to find Sam. I emailed his sister on Facebook and asked about him. Turns out he was in jail. He had gotten back into drugs and wasn't working and tried to break into a house. I looked it up and he had been there for 11 months. I sent him a letter... When I wrote the letter I knew I would bail him out. His sister lives down the street from my parents. Both of our parents used to be cops. His dad totally wrote him off as well as everyone else in his family. So he sat in jail awaiting a trial date. Anyway I visited him and he looked like crap had grown out facial hair wearing his orange jump suit. But his eyes I looked into his eyes and I just saw the guy I fell in love with. Getting back to my point. He is a good guy he's made some crappy choices but he is a hard worker when he's not doing drugs. He is an actual man unlike most men these days. He will do anything for me. Reminds me of my stepdad who is the best husband to my mom. So I told him I would get him out. It cost me 4000 which he paid me back. I hadn't seen this guy in 4 years and I go visit him and I'm bailing him out of jail in a week. My family is pissed telling me what am I doing. That he's a thief and a druggy. My parents love him now btw. Well I get him out. I tell him no strings lets just be friends. Well it's actually hard on me at first. We had moved in with my friend because his sister wouldn't let him at his house and he had nowhere to go. He still had a trial so we didn't know if he would go to prison. Well 3 months out we get together. He talks to his sister they let him move in. He's working. Hasn't touched a drug. It's just amazing. He got 10 years probation has to pay 12000 after all the fees and everything. Sorry I keep straying just trying to explain it all. I like to go to the casino. Well I wanted to win my 4000 back because he hadnt paid yet. He doesn't like gambling. So now 2 years later. I gamble way to much. He hates it and I refuse to quit. ( I will never again I feel like it ruined my life) but I didn't want anyone telling me I can't. He accuses me of cheating constantly. I tell him I would never do that. I have known him 13 years and I just wouldn't do that to him or anyone. He was cheated on and I was too so I know how it feels. So we have that issue and me gambling once every few weeks. When we fight we both have to be right and the littlest thing just turns into a huge cussing out fight. He has never hit me but lately he calls me a bitch because he says he knows it hurts me. He has been working 12 hour days 7 days a week for 7 months now and it's really good money but has put a strain on our relationship. He was real moody and tired which is understandable. I'm almost to where the break up is. So we are arguing over nothing and I'm always well ill break up. It's my defense I always think of younger us where he can just walk out and not care. He didn't see me those years and he said he never thought of me. That really stuck with me. He says he didn't love me back then but he loves me now. He's a totally different person now that he loves me. He also complained that we don't have sex like we used to. We were on drugs and drank back then of course I was having sex constantly. Now we do it maybe twice a week if that. Well his kid and his kids mom came from another state during Xmas and she was rude to me on the phone during summer so I didn't want to come over while they were there. He broke up with me on Xmas eve. I cried and begged him not to do it told him no one will ever get him or love him like I do. He said he was sick of the fighting. Well the next day he text like nothing is wrong and I don't write back all day until he finally ask to see me. He tells me that this is it its me and him there is no breaking up. There's no more exes. We are it. That he wants to marry me someday all that. He says he won't put me thru that again. Well of course we have our nothing fights that turn into crazy yelling. He text me two weeks ago telling me without me he has no life or something like that and he's sorry he's been a jerk lately. Then he comes over looks me into the eyes and tells me again we will get married and he's never leaving me. So got into huge fight on Sunday.i have had several friends die. I had my best friend who actually had a crush on him in middle school pass away of leukemia in July. It was out of nowhere. And too many other friends die to name. My other best friend had symptoms of lymphoma and had biopsy on that. I get hit on everyday at my job. I'm in sales. This past week has just been a lot. I am so stressed. Well he's going to a different job in a week so he has a week off. So Sunday we are going to eat and we get into a fight about a stupid lane ending. He calls me a bitch and I tell him it's over I asked you not to do that. Take me home. He starts driving crazy so I went absolutely nuts and started screaming and crying and broke my charger. So I just turned and hit him in his arms. I just snapped. I called my mom and put her on speaker so he would drive normal. Well he pulls up to his house and leaves and I'm so mad I throw my phone to the dash and it hits the windshield and cracks my windshield. He drives to my house and gets his stuff and I'm crying. Well after that we decide to quit and make it work. That's the craziest fight and I can't believe I touched him. So we are fine Tuesday comes. It's pouring down rain I go to his house. He's working in the garage with his friend. He was kinda short with me. We kiss and I leave and as I'm walking off he says I love you like I'm not saying it back and I yelled I love you and that was last time I saw him. I call him later and he is short again so I hung up on him, sent a text saying we aren't breaking up but you text me when you are done being a jerk and I don't appreciate you having attitude in front of your friend. Well I don't hear from him. The next morning I tell him I love him I'm sorry. I hear nothing. He does this when we fight. I will have to call 50 times and text and act all crazy. Well it's almost 3 and I freak out if I don't hear bc I have had so many friends die. He knows this and says I worry too much. Well I text please tell me you are okay why are you doing this blah blah blah. He writes I'm okay. I'm never going to change you are never going to change I can't do this anymore. Or something like that. I text like 30 times and then I'm like did you meet someone. He says didn't meet anyone. Just sick of the stress I don't deserve it. Well I text I don't know how many times and call and text and call pretty much begging. He has my stuff too. If he wants to break up okay nothing I can do but do I not deserve more than a text after 13 years. He text yesterday saying yes you can have your ****. I wrote 5 times and called twice saying when. And nothing haven't heard back since. I did good and didn't call until about 10 now I have sent another probably 200 text. I can't quit crying. I can't sleep can't eat. All I can think about is him. All I have wanted is him my whole adult life and I can't bear that I have ruined this. He lives 6 houses down from my parents house. He hasn't been home since Tuesday. So all I can think is he met someone. How do I deal with this? I know I can't get him back now after acting like this. I should have just let it go. I obviously have some emotional issues. I can't even picture getting past this. I honestly don't even think I want to. I am so sick of guys lying, I am a very blunt honest person and I expect the same. He is very truthful too. Often too honest and can be hurtful. Sorry this is so long. I guess it doesn't matter bc it's over now. But I just don't know what to do. Don't know if I should get counseling on how to argue and deal with things. But what's the point I am just so done with relationships. Edited February 2, 2013 by blondebeea More thoughts
todreaminblue Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Blondebeeea dont know if it because i am tired, but this was hard to read, if you make another post and condense it a bit you might get some more replies besides me......I am the worst one for punctuation on this board, so not judging you just trying to help you. I am sorry your relationship is over, and i do believe it should be over, a lot of fighting and miscommunicating. A bit of abuse on both sides.Break ups are hard all round even for the dumper, its hard.I know you don't know what to do, therapy might help, are you still taking drugs? I think you have anger issues that you need to resolve, and maybe your ex does too.....two people with anger issues in a relationship is a recipe for a break up...I think it needed to happen in your case to allow some healing to take place.I think you should probably go no contact and spend some time with family and friends who love you ,understand you and are supportive of you...I wish you happiness.....deb
Author blondebeea Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Haven't used drugs since I was 18. I will come back tomorrow and try to make my post easier to read. I am on the ipad and its hard to type. I am also very tired and can barely see since I have been crying. Sorry.
todreaminblue Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Haven't used drugs since I was 18. I will come back tomorrow and try to make my post easier to read. I am on the ipad and its hard to type. I am also very tired and can barely see since I have been crying. Sorry. I know the feeling blondebeeea, its hard to write or read when your eyes feel like a tonne of sand is in them...... I am sorry you are so upset, I was too after the break up with my ex, I didnt have any tears left to cry,I just let him go...I dont cry about him anymore.....took a long time to be over it..i will post to you tomorrow heading to bed myself, I hope you can try and have a good nights sleep..sweet dreams ..hugs....deb
Author blondebeea Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I just don't understand. How we grew up together. He lives in my parents neighborhood. He loved me on Tuesday and now just never going to respond to me again. I can't believe he broke up with me via text. It feels like all the memories we have and now all I will think of in the future is he ended it on text and I never heard or saw from him again. How can I ever trust anyone again.p when someone who knew me that long would do that to me. Going to bed too 1
todreaminblue Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I just don't understand. How we grew up together. He lives in my parents neighborhood. He loved me on Tuesday and now just never going to respond to me again. I can't believe he broke up with me via text. It feels like all the memories we have and now all I will think of in the future is he ended it on text and I never heard or saw from him again. How can I ever trust anyone again.p when someone who knew me that long would do that to me. Going to bed too hugs....hope you had a good sleep, one thing i noticed when i was depressed is that sleep goes out into the atmosphere, and left me tossing and turning in bed,I think you have the blues blondebeeea, disturbed sleep , constant crying confusion feelings of helplessness and hopelessness,you might want to visit a doctor you trust and love and see if they can help you with what you are feeling and get some control back,I am not a doctor and i could be wrong but you do have symptoms, you arent eating right either are you? do you have any appetite? You will trust again blondebeea, but you need to help yourself first...stuff everyone else....work on you...see a doctor rule out depression, he was a dog to break up over text, but that is over now,it must be hard considering you grew up together, I do know this, the better you are the less important he will be, I am not concerned for him, i think the relationship you had was aggressive on both sides and toxic, and it has caused problems for you with your well being, you can work on that and be stronger and better , it might take a little while,you can do it, I know you dont want to read this bit but i am going to write it anyway, you deserve better, you deserve a loving relationship with someone you trust who doesnt make you feel aggressive or low, you have the right to be confident and secure in a relationship, you deserve to have someone be honest and open with you, and to have enough guts to face you if it doesnt work out........you will find that person, but not until you have healed...... i wish you joy and happiness, that is what you deserve to feel, not the sand in the eyes, the restless sleep and the feeling of low self worth...you are worth much more than that.you have the right to feel low now too,dont hide it , that low self worth will dissipate when you get some help dealing with what you have been through, it has done damage to you, you just need a little repair job..a little me time and mental health maintenance.if you think that i dotn know what its like, i do know, my break up nearly took me out...i am still here typing to you six years later.............smilin atcha...hugs....deb
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