Read my rant :(

[Am313]

Ex has a new boyfriend

 

My ex girlfriend has found a new guy that she is madly in love with. We split many months ago, and now she has found someone else.

 

Deep inside, I can't describe how

I feel. It isn't so much that there's another guy involved, it's more that she's found her apparent soulmate. A **** buddy is one thing, but love is totally different.

 

But 5 months after breaking up, I have no one.

 

I've slept with a few girls, one is an ex from many years ago. In fact she was the first girl to break my heart, and it took two years to get over her.

 

It doesn't matter who I meet, screw, or talk to. I'm constantly thinking about my recent ex and I can't let go of some false hope that she still has feelings/attraction/love for me.

 

I've tried to deny something: I would take her back in a heartbeat. But everyone who knows the things she's done to me think I'm insane. Crazy because I have feelings for her after everything she's done.

 

We also weren't even dating very long...A year on and off. But yet I can't shake her.

 

Limited contact for a few months, just me texting her useless nonsense once a month just to simply see if I could get a reaction. I blew up on her a month ago and went NC since. The sad thing is that she changed her number and that prompted me to contact her. If she wouldn't have changed it, I wouldn't have ever made

contact. Too much pride.

 

I've felt lower than I've ever felt in my whole life. I've lost two loves before her, both of which I fully healed from and carried no baggage afterwords. Now I've lost all trust in every woman I meet, believing that most of them just want sex and would inevitably leave me if I started a relationship with them.

 

Every girl I've been with in the last 5 months I've gamed completely. I'm turning into a "player" and I hate it. I'm to the point now where I genuinely don't care anymore about being wanted, attractive, sexy, etc. I just wish she felt the same. I want to be loved, cared about and important to someone but I'm not. My ex feels that way for someone else, and for some strange reason nothing else matters.

 

Every girl I've slept with since is better than my ex in every way; smarter, prettier, better body. One is so much fun to be around, and is a genuinely sweet, outgoing, fun loving girl. But I can't be with her because of my baggage. I feel like I'll break her heart and ruin her good qualities....Like my ex did to me.

 

Before my ex I was happy and had so many good qualities that I worked hard to get at. I made a lot of past mistakes in my life that I had to learn from and after years of growing as a person I became what I thought was me: Honest, caring, genuine, hard working, motivated.

 

I didn't have sex for four years for moral reasons. I was saving myself for someone I truly loved and being abstinent was one of the hardest things I went through, but eventually it got easier. Before my abstinent period I was your typical guy, lying and playing girls to get sex. I broke a girls heart and I stopped having sex after her. I've felt guilty since ending things with her.

 

While I was with my ex women came at me and I turned all of them down because I truly loved her. I waited four months to have sex with her because I wanted to be sure my feelings were right; like if I didn't truly love her then it wouldn't be fair to her to have sex with her.

 

It's weird that women want me when they know my heart is elsewhere. It makes me feel like they don't really want me, they just want my attention. Like they're competing for me.

 

After breaking up I've been so obsessed with bettering myself that I'm actually moving backwards. When I got to the gym I think about getting bigger and stronger instead of how I used to be: Being healthy and maintaining. When I play sports I think about being the best and doing better than everyone else instead of how I used to be: Just having fun and getting a reprieve from busy life.

 

It's like my motivations have been based around making myself a better person for her instead of for me.

 

I truly love this woman and I wish I could change that. I am in love with her and I wish I could let go. I've tried for months. Since the day she broke up with me my pride and ego went into overdrive and all I've been doing since is acting like I don't care.

 

I've moved on in the sense that I'm ready for a real love with someone else. But I haven't gotten over her. I still have feelings. I still care. She doesn't. I feel like if I died tomorrow it wouldn't affect her.

 

The sad thing is that she ever read any of this she would just laugh. She wouldn't think of me as the person she once knew but instead some obsessed loser. And honesty that's how I feel.

 

Even though deep down inside I know that I'm just simply a victim of unrequited love, a part of me feels like a loser, a failure, because I'm still in love with her when I really shouldn't be.

 

What brought this rant on is that I found out about her new love. It's all over her facebook and shes done things for him she's never done for me. Things for him she said she wouldn't do for me. People *may say that's all the more reason to understand she's not right for me....

 

But for me it's all the more reason to feel as low as I do.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm not so good at understanding my feelings. I just simply feel and can't make sense of them. The only feelings I understand is that I wish she still loved me.

 

But she doesn't. I'm tired of crying and thinking and hoping that one day she'll show that she really loves me for me. Not whats on the outside but what's on the inside. I really am a good guy. I'm sweet, attentive and nice. And that's a fault. Women don't want that from me, and that hurts.

 

But what hurts the most is that my ex doesn't want me for me. She doesn't want me at all.

Edited February 2, 2013 by Am313

[cavalier99]

I had a rant similar to yours a while back. Im 4 months NC and am suddenly feeling a lot better.

 

You are getting better you just don't know it yet. Your still mourning the loss. I think what is holding you back is your not 100 percent NC and you need to give up all hope (that shouldn't be hard to do now).

 

Stay hard core NC and keep on moving forward. Eventually the weather will being to break. Sorry your having a rough time but you will get there. It just takes time, NC, and giving up hope. In the end it is for the best that she is in love. It will help you let go. Cav

[Addison312]

Am313, your post touched me because it made me feel your pain. I'm sorry you are going through this. You have to let it go for you. Stop thinking of how everything you do has something to do with her because it doesn't. Stop comparing your life to hers. Stop comparing yourself to her new bf. She is gone and isn't returning. My advice for you is make an appointment with a counselor and talk this through. You know those little things in life you enjoy? Now is the time to do them. Create new memories that do not involve her.

You will love again. In the meantime, let the other girls down easy and be honest. You must love yourself again to love another (cliche yet very true).