trombean Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Ok first off I love my gf to death and even though we have our problems I really really really want to stay with her. We've been dating for about 7 months now. We have a very healthy relationship. We almost never fight. Everytime we're together, its always a day filled with laughter and fun and romance. We're so corny in public that we probably make people sick. But the one problem is that she cant admit that she loves me... I mean sometimes when she's happy, she has no problem saying it. But most of the time she'll tell me things like "idk what I'm feeling for you" or "i'm afraid to know how I really feel. I dont want to get hurt". I try to be understanding and what not but the conversation comes up sooooooooooooooo much and I cant tell her I love her without her feeling guilty because she cant say it back. There have been times whwre we've almost broke up. I told her "well if you dont feel that way about me then maybe you're better off with someone that you can feel it for" but she'll start crying and beg me not to go saying things like "no, its not just you, I dont feel anything for anyone. I'm a complete zombie but I'm trying to be better". One time I actually did end it because I feel completley guilty keeping her with me when she claims that she doesng feel anything for me. But she blew up my phone begging me not to leave. That I'm everything that she wants and she'd be devastated if I left her and that she'll be better So of course I couldnt go through with it. I love this girl and I want to work it out... But the conversation still comes up. She continues to let me know that she "doesnt know how she feels about me" or that she's a complete zombie that doesnt feel anything for anyone and that its not just me. But I dont know what to do. This conversation comes up almost every other day and its frustrating. Especially when her actions scream the oppoaite. That she does love me. Even after talking to one of her childhood friends, he told me that he's never seen her so shiny and happy before. But how do I get rid of this problem? I just want us to enjoy our relationship without her constantly questioning it. Am I doing bad by staying with her? Would it be better for her to just let her go? I'm so confused.
AMusing Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Has your gf been in relationships before? Does she describe being in love with any of them? Is she hesitant to get close to people, generally? If this reluctance/inability to being in love is a pattern for her, she may have attachment issues: namely--if I were to hazard a guess--fearful-avoidant attachment. Ripped from the Wikipedia page: People with losses or sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence often develop this type of attachment[10] and tend to agree with the following statements: "I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others." People with this attachment style have mixed feelings about close relationships. On the one hand, they desire to have emotionally close relationships. On the other hand, they tend to feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness. These mixed feelings are combined with, sometimes unconscious, negative views about themselves and their partners. They commonly view themselves as unworthy of responsiveness from their partners, and they don't trust the intentions of their partners. Similarly to the dismissive–avoidant attachment style, people with a fearful–avoidant attachment style seek less intimacy from partners and frequently suppress and deny their feelings. Instead, they are much less comfortable initially expressing affection. Does that description resonate with you? If so, you may want to encourage your gf to seek therapy, or at least read about attachment styles together. It could help you learn how to cope with her "I don't love you" statements, as well as help guide her into feeling more comfortable loving you. Disclaimer: obviously only a trained psychologist who has talked to your gf could help determine if this is really what's going on here. Don't blindly trust a stranger's assessment based on a couple paragraphs, please; I'm only bringing this up as one possible explanation among many. It could also be an issue with depression, numerous other mental health disorders, or simply a case of her not being all that into you. Only she (ideally with the help of a professional) can really figure that out for certain. 1
Author trombean Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Yeah she has been in a relationship before and claimed to love him. And he promised her he would marry her, but then later left her for someone else. She always tells me things like "I dont see the point in loving anyone. Everyone's going to die someday and it'll hurt when they do"
AMusing Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Oh, so it's just plain old-fashioned baggage. How long ago did this guy leave her? It can take some people a long time to get over that kind of pain. Until they do, even Prince Charming can't win over their heart; they just aren't ready to move on. By the way, how old are you two?
veggirl Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 If she doesn't see the point in love, then why is she in a relationship? Maybe you need to be a bit more firm with her, that this is a real problem for you and if this is truly how she feels you aren't going to be able to continue in the relationship. We've ALL been hurt in the past. that isn't a valid excuse. If she truly doesn't believe in love then she should quit dragging other people down with her by involving them in relationships with her.
Author trombean Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 This was several years ago. She was barely a freshman in high school so I wanna say about 8 years ago? I'm 25 and she's 21. She says she thinks he's a douche and she would never take him back even if he asked. I tell her that it was such a long time ago and that he was young and that she was his first gf, so he was never ready to make a commitment like marriage. And she can't expect me to do the same thing because I'm more mature than that. I'm not just going to promise her all these things and then get bored and leave. And I haven't even promised anything yet, just that I really legitimately love her.
Author trombean Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 If she doesn't see the point in love, then why is she in a relationship? Maybe you need to be a bit more firm with her, that this is a real problem for you and if this is truly how she feels you aren't going to be able to continue in the relationship. We've ALL been hurt in the past. that isn't a valid excuse. If she truly doesn't believe in love then she should quit dragging other people down with her by involving them in relationships with her. I know, but what's ironic about that, is even though she says she doesn't see the point in love, she's the most loving person you'll ever meet. She gives so much to her friends and family. She'll gladly go out of her way for anyone to help them out. She puts others before herself on a daily basis. She gets depressed and whenever she sees a person be mean to someone else. So when she says things like "I don't feel anything for anyone. Not even family or friends" I find it really hard to believe.
veggirl Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 JFC she is still pining over a guy she dated when she was 14!! If she "hates" him she is not over him! Dump her, she is a weirdo to the max. When people tell you who they are, believe them. She is dead inside apparently...because of her boyfriend at age 14 good god!! She can't realize that "omg I will marry you someday" when you are FOURTEEN is bulls.hit?! lol. Like it literally ALWAYS is. She's mental.
CptSaveAho Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) This was several years ago. She was barely a freshman in high school so I wanna say about 8 years ago? I'm 25 and she's 21. She says she thinks he's a douche and she would never take him back even if he asked. I tell her that it was such a long time ago and that he was young and that she was his first gf, so he was never ready to make a commitment like marriage. And she can't expect me to do the same thing because I'm more mature than that. I'm not just going to promise her all these things and then get bored and leave. And I haven't even promised anything yet, just that I really legitimately love her. She's ruined... still in love with an ex boyfriend She's telling you this... but you think you are special and different... your not... she wants you to let her go I know, but what's ironic about that, is even though she says she doesn't see the point in love, she's the most loving person you'll ever meet. She gives so much to her friends and family. She'll gladly go out of her way for anyone to help them out. She puts others before herself on a daily basis. This is bad news.... I called this the captain save a hoe syndrome (knight in shining armor).... People don't want to look in a mirror and see their own problems so they focus their lives on helping others and avoiding their own.... nice guys/girls (this is their fatal flaw) and people can use and manipulate them to however they choose to, like her ex boyfriend. You can't fix this... no matter how much you try to... it will always blow up in your face She gets depressed and whenever she sees a person be mean to someone else. So when she says things like "I don't feel anything for anyone. Not even family or friends" I find it really hard to believe. "I dont feel anything for anyone. Friends or family" HUGE RED FLAG... this means run... she's hurt and if you continue dating her, trying to fix her, she's going to hurt you. Motto of life... hurt people, hurt people... She's giving you a warning shot across your bow... take it and walk away Edited February 2, 2013 by CptSaveAho
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