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Posted (edited)

So it worked. But I have no idea if going back to him is a good idea. It's the whole, my heart says yes and my brain (and family and friends) says no. I would really appreciate the help... I am struggling big time.

 

I had been no contact with my ex for four and a half months until yesterday. Our breakup was pretty bad. He tried to end it 5 months ago, but then he panicked and decided that he didn't want to break up. A week later, he officially broke up with me. I waited another week and tried to get answers because I was extremely confused. He couldn't really explain why we wanted to break up; all he knew is that he didn't know where he wanted to go in life. I decided to go NC and maintained it for 4.5 months. I had a really difficult time moving on and was basically destroyed for a month or so. But after about three months, I was pretty good. I was having fun, made new friends, joined a sorority. But it was still hard seeing him everyday since we go to the same tiny college. However, whenever he did see me he would stare. Especially at social events.

 

So yesterday he texts me asking if we could talk, but if I didn't want to he understood. I finally agreed to meeting with him because I would like to be on friendly terms since we have a lot of awkward run-ins. Our talk went really well, we basically just caught up with each others lives but we also discussed the past. He said that he missed me (quite a lot) and that it was the biggest mistake he has ever made. He also had our gifts that I made/bought him still in his room. He mentioned that he kept everything, a clear sign that he hasn't moved on. He said that he wanted to talk to me but he was too ashamed about how he treated me. I also asked him why exactly he broke up with me, and he said that it was because the idea of committing for life scared him (our relationship was getting rather serious), and that he was afraid of turning out like his father, who fights a lot with his mom, and didn't want to put anyone through that. However, during our almost year of dating, he never once showed any signs of being like that. He was a fantastic boyfriend, and I loved every inch of him. Anyways, our talk was really nice because it felt so natural and normal. To end it I agreed that I would be open to talking to him in the future, he then gave me a hug. Which was a really intense moment for both of us.

 

Then this morning, when I am already off campus back home, I get a text from him asking if I wanted to work on homework with him today. I told him I wasn't on campus, but we ended up talking throughout the day. Then a few hours ago, he asks me to dinner. Which I eventually declined, and said we could meet up for coffee instead to talk. I mentioned that he was going too fast, and that I was confused about how to deal with this.

 

This is all happening really fast for me. I don't know what to do. I do know that I want to be on friendly terms with him. I really valued our friendship (especially since we were friends before we started dating), and he really is a nice guy. But then there is the part of me that wants him back. He was my first love, and boy, did I love him. I know that I will always love him. But I also know that what he did to me wasn't fair. He waited almost five months and then decided to ask me out again out of the blue? He's going way to fast and I feel like I am going to drown in this. I also have all of my friends and family telling me that it is a really bad idea. They are really upset about how he broke things off, and now they kind of despise him. But I cannot do that, I still have those feelings for him no matter how hard I try to suppress them. I have no idea what to do!!

 

Gosh, I am sorry that was so long. But I would really appreciate opinions of those who are not involved. Thank you so much!

Edited by katy1151
Posted

Hi Hun.

 

Sweetheart, I hate to say it, but he's "Breadcrumb"-ing you....

Please read the No Contact Guide (Updated 2013) in my signature.(Click to link.)

 

The first post is the definitive and much lauded guide itself.

 

The remainder of the thread is a discussion by many members who are in your position - and deeply regretting it.

 

As far as I know, there IS NO GOING BACK.

 

Please - read the guide.

And know that he's using you as a comfort buffer to make himself feel better.

This isn't for you.

it's for him.

And that's just base-line mean.

Posted

I'm one for love. I congratulate you on maintaining NC for 4 months! I only maintained mine for a day! Maybe he needed the 5 months to think about what he really wanted. I think you should give it a shot. But don't go back easy. I think declining dinner was good. Make him work for it! I believe everything happens for a reason . Good luck and I hope for the best

Posted
Hi Hun.

 

Sweetheart, I hate to say it, but he's "Breadcrumb"-ing you....

Please read the No Contact Guide (Updated 2013) in my signature.(Click to link.)

 

The first post is the definitive and much lauded guide itself.

 

The remainder of the thread is a discussion by many members who are in your position - and deeply regretting it.

 

As far as I know, there IS NO GOING BACK.

 

Please - read the guide.

And know that he's using you as a comfort buffer to make himself feel better.

This isn't for you.

it's for him.

And that's just base-line mean.

I don't really agree that everything short of a desperate groveling for someone back is "bread-crumbing".
  • Like 1
Posted
I don't really agree that everything short of a desperate groveling for someone back is "bread-crumbing".

 

You're quite right. It isn't.

 

But this definitely is.

  • Author
Posted

Thank you all so much!

 

TaraMaiden: I understand where you are coming from, and this might just be me desperately trying to deny that's what he's doing, but he did make an apology if that makes a difference? He said that he was sorry, that it was a mistake, and that he would try to do anything to make up for it. I can see where you coming from, if he is so ashamed that he is trying to make himself feel better, but that is so horrible. Why would he want to do this to me again?? He is such a nice guy (besides the awful way he handled the break up at least) and I can't picture him doing that.

Posted
I don't really agree that everything short of a desperate groveling for someone back is "bread-crumbing".

 

 

I agree.....

 

Its tough..What WOULD constitute a significant attempt by the dumper to reconcile. Yeah, we all know that someone in tears at the doorstep begging for forgiveness is a "good sign", and a little measly "hey" can be looked at as a crumb...But where is the line?

 

-Do breadcrumbs eventually become real attempts?

 

 

Confusing.....

  • Author
Posted
I agree.....

 

Its tough..What WOULD constitute a significant attempt by the dumper to reconcile. Yeah, we all know that someone in tears at the doorstep begging for forgiveness is a "good sign", and a little measly "hey" can be looked at as a crumb...But where is the line?

 

-Do breadcrumbs eventually become real attempts?

 

 

Confusing.....

 

That's what I am having such a hard time with. I mean, he did seem sincere in his apology and he did cry a lot throughout our conversation. It seems legit to me... but what if it isn't :(

Posted

its up to you katy, what do YOU think? would you like to be his girlfriend again? would he go back to the old same habits? would you be able to trust him? just think about some things first

  • Author
Posted
its up to you katy, what do YOU think? would you like to be his girlfriend again? would he go back to the old same habits? would you be able to trust him? just think about some things first

 

I am not sure if I could trust him after what he did. That's why I wanted to be friends first. However, we never did have any problems in the relationship. Not even fighting and we were together for almost a year, so the habits isn't really an issue. It's just a trust thing.

Posted
Thank you all so much!

 

TaraMaiden: I understand where you are coming from, and this might just be me desperately trying to deny that's what he's doing, but he did make an apology if that makes a difference? He said that he was sorry, that it was a mistake, and that he would try to do anything to make up for it. I can see where you coming from, if he is so ashamed that he is trying to make himself feel better, but that is so horrible. Why would he want to do this to me again?? He is such a nice guy (besides the awful way he handled the break up at least) and I can't picture him doing that.

 

I get the above (bolded) but has he actually said he wants to try again? To work on himself, deal with his issues on commitment, and have a real go at making this relationship work this time, whatever it takes?

 

I didn't see that in your post.....?

Posted

What ever issue that caused him to break-up with you most likely is still there? what kind of help did he get for his commitment issues? did he see a thearapist? talk to a professional? I would hate to see you back here posting in a couple months about the the same guy leaving again.

Posted

This is a tough one - a real close call.

 

I probably wouldn't reconcile if I was you - i think there's a good chance that you'll end up in a similar situation again.

 

I'm an optimist and wouldn't hold it against you if you did though. If you do, play hard to get, keep your eyes open and tread carefully. Let him earn your heart back!

  • Author
Posted

After reading some of your wonderful responses (thank you so much!) I decided to meet up with him today so I could clearly understand his intentions and I could explain to him how I was feeling and tell him what went through when he broke up with me. He did tell me that he wanted to get back together and that he is going to work on his issues to prove it to me. He was made a lot of progress when it comes to that. He brought up his dad again and how terrible he treats his mom. He is really afraid he is going to turn out like that, which is his reason for the breakup. He was afraid he wasn't treating me fairly. He also explained why it took so long for him to talk to me. His "friends" told him to man up and to not text me, his parents weren't interested in discussing his problem, he felt ashamed for how he treated me, and was afraid of talking to me until he sorted out his issues. From what I've heard from people, he has been a really great person the last month or so. He has always been wonderful, I think most people didn't see that side because he has always tried to impress people a little too much in the past. However, I did tell him that I can only be friends with him right now. He really hurt me and I need time to trust him. I made sure he understood that we might always be friends, because I don't want to lead him on. He responded by saying that he understood and that he doesn't want to pressure me into anything. He just wants me to be happy. Oh, I also asked him if this was just a way of apologizing to me and he promised it wasn't. He said he still loved me and that he never wants to hurt me again. He was very sincere and looked destroyed when I told him what I went through. He said he wish he would have contacted me earlier, or better yet, tried to talk it out with me. He just didnt know what he was doing. There were a lot of tears and hugging in our four hours of talking. We did spend some time telling stories as well. It felt so normal and I do really care about him. I even still love him. I do want to be with him again eventually, but I'm just naturally more wary now.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

Katy,

Well done - you handled that situation really well.

 

Just one question - As a matter of interest, if you were in his shoes, how long would you wait? The only reason why I ask is that I was in a similar situation with a girl a while back - I was the offender - She said she needed time - 2 weeks went by, then a month, then 2 months etc.....I finally had to draw the line and end it, which was cr#p but I couldn't sit around forever waiting for the complete forgiveness (and trust) to happen. It was doing my head in.

Edited by williamshakespeare
typo
  • Author
Posted

williamshakespeare: I understand where you are coming from. I think if I was in his shoes and I made a good effort to win her trust back, then it would probably become difficult to deal with. Sometimes I don't think the trust will ever come back, so I understand why you ended it instead of spending copious amounts of time waiting for her. She may have also realized that she couldn't trust you and didn't want to break it to you? Hopefully not, because that does make it very difficult on you. Anyways, I'm not sure how long I would wait. It would probably depend on how strong my feelings were towards her, the reason for the breakup, and how she acted towards me while I was trying to win her trust back. Did you guys have a friendly relationship during those months? Were you making any progress?

 

It's funny typing this out, because I do hope that my ex gives me the time to figure out what I want. Even though I do know that I want him back... it's more of an issue of me getting over my trust problems so we can have a successful relationship. I don't want to jump back into the relationship too soon, just to watch it crash and burn; this time it being my fault. I hope that it doesn't take months on end, and maybe if it does, then it's not meant to be. But I love the boy, and hope that we can begin our relationship once again, but by taking small steps.

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