bennie Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) My boyfriend and I had been dating about 9 months, when I found a letter to his ex girlfriend. The letter went into great detail about how in love with her he was, how beautiful she was, how much he loved having sex with her, shared about trips they had taken, and other little facts he loved about her. After reading this, I was heartbroken. We had been dating for a significant amount of time, and knew each other for a few months before we even started dating. During this time, he had told me he loved me, but not much more. Definitely NOTHING in comparison to the letter to his ex. I was so in love with him, and could picture myself with him long-term. Prior to seeing this letter, his ex did not bother me at all. He would bring her up randomly from time to time, but nothing major. After seeing this letter, I felt like I lost much of the spark I once had for our relationship. It made me very insecure, thinking he didn't love me as much, didn't want to take cool trips with me, thinking he didn't enjoy having sex with me as much as he did with her. Ever since seeing this letter, I have become obsessed with her, and I get very upset when I picture them together. Even worse, I was joking around with my boyfriend about four months ago, I was reading cosmo and there was an article about men cheating, jokingly I asked him if he had ever cheated on an ex (thinking he was so loyal this would be a definite no). He responded with yes, that he cheated on the girlfriend he wrote the letter to, and even worse never told her. He actually wrote the letter months after he cheated on her. Knowing that he could tell his ex all of these intimate things, after he had cheated on her really broke me apart. I was left still feeling upset about the letter, and now resentful and fearful that he would do the same to me. Now when my boyfriend does nice little things, or tells me how much he loves me it is very hard for me to fully believe him. I am also very jealous of this girl he cheated on his ex with. To be honest, it's not either of their looks, they are average- or below average looking. It's the fact he told his ex all of those things before he ever said anything like that to me, and also cheated on her. What did this girl he cheated on her with have that was so great? I have dated people before him, but have only slept with one guy before him. His number really isn't that high, and those are the only two girls that bother me. What should I do? I don't know if the initial feelings I had for him will ever come back as strong. It makes me sad because before I knew all of these things, we had a great relationship. I just wish I could get over these things, but the letter incident happened over a year ago and it is still just as painful. Ahhh long sorry! Thank you Edited February 2, 2013 by bennie
CptSaveAho Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) Good ole Retroactive jealousy Stole this from another website What is Retroactive Jealousy? Retroactive Jealousy, as described by many, is the experience of graphic and intrusive thoughts involving your partner that arise on a frequent and obsessional basis. Many people who suffer from the condition often make the mistake of putting blame on either their partner and/or themselves when the jealousy is present. The fact of the matter is that it is nobodies 'fault', and that the problem lies deep within the victim that experiences the thoughts. A common example of intrusive thoughts maybe one of the following: A partner having sex with someone of their past. Usually with someone in a non-commitment circumstance. I.e One stand stands, fooling around. A partner engaging in sexual interaction with somebody else. Incredible detail is involved within the thought. A partner having sex with a figure conjured from imagination. The retroactive jealousy makes you assume it is in the past. Retroactive Jealousy is a tough topic to discuss with people we are close to, particularly because it is not a rational issue and lacks passageways for people to empathise. This in turn makes us suffering feel isolated and ashamed of ourselves to an extent. Retroactive-jealousy.com was purposefully built to attend to these issues and create a community where we can all share and discuss our issues on an empathetic basis. Why are people Retroactively Jealous? There is no simple answer for this because obsessive and compulsive thoughts could stem from a variety of biological and environmental factors. If you browse the web you will see various articles with different arguments, definitions and descriptions of why people get burdened with Retroactive Jealousy. To quickly summarize, these include: Low Self-Esteem - The way we think of ourselves leads us to punish ourselves with graphic and distressing thoughts. Views of the Opposite Sex - outdated and irrational views of the inferiority of the opposite gender. Biological Inheritence. A pre-instinctive thought that has been genetically encoded within our DNA. Trust Issues - the ability to trust another individual. General views of Sex Sexual Inferiority - not feeling good enough intimately, or being ashamed because you have had less sexual partners. Edited February 2, 2013 by CptSaveAho
Talak7 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 My boyfriend and I had been dating about 9 months, when I found a letter to his ex girlfriend. The letter went into great detail about how in love with her he was, how beautiful she was, how much he loved having sex with her, shared about trips they had taken, and other little facts he loved about her. After reading this, I was heartbroken. We had been dating for a significant amount of time, and knew each other for a few months before we even started dating. During this time, he had told me he loved me, but not much more. Definitely NOTHING in comparison to the letter to his ex. I was so in love with him, and could picture myself with him long-term. Prior to seeing this letter, his ex did not bother me at all. He would bring her up randomly from time to time, but nothing major. After seeing this letter, I felt like I lost much of the spark I once had for our relationship. It made me very insecure, thinking he didn't love me as much, didn't want to take cool trips with me, thinking he didn't enjoy having sex with me as much as he did with her. Ever since seeing this letter, I have become obsessed with her, and I get very upset when I picture them together. Even worse, I was joking around with my boyfriend about four months ago, I was reading cosmo and there was an article about men cheating, jokingly I asked him if he had ever cheated on an ex (thinking he was so loyal this would be a definite no). He responded with yes, that he cheated on the girlfriend he wrote the letter to, and even worse never told her. He actually wrote the letter months after he cheated on her. Knowing that he could tell his ex all of these intimate things, after he had cheated on her really broke me apart. I was left still feeling upset about the letter, and now resentful and fearful that he would do the same to me. Now when my boyfriend does nice little things, or tells me how much he loves me it is very hard for me to fully believe him. I am also very jealous of this girl he cheated on his ex with. To be honest, it's not either of their looks, they are average- or below average looking. It's the fact he told his ex all of those things before he ever said anything like that to me, and also cheated on her. What did this girl he cheated on her with have that was so great? I have dated people before him, but have only slept with one guy before him. His number really isn't that high, and those are the only two girls that bother me. What should I do? I don't know if the initial feelings I had for him will ever come back as strong. It makes me sad because before I knew all of these things, we had a great relationship. I just wish I could get over these things, but the letter incident happened over a year ago and it is still just as painful. We have been dating a little over a year and a half now. Ahhh long sorry! Thank you Dalai Lama rules.... "13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past." Seriously.... Don't go looking for issues. though that generally starts to happen about year 1.5 I'd probably think a few year younger verison of myself is an idiot. Maybe he was too.
rocketman122 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 in all of this, the only comment I will acknowledge is his cheating. big no no in my book. once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. that is all, carry on.
Talak7 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 in all of this, the only comment I will acknowledge is his cheating. big no no in my book. once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. that is all, carry on. Yes, trash your 1.5 year relationship because he cheated on an ex in the past. Because no one learns from their mistakes and surely you should wait until perfection finds you and picks you from your cloud of judgement and lifts you into heavenly bliss with a white knight.
CptObvious Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 your boy was just workin his game. That's how he got you, right?
GSB81 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I would not worry about the letter for a couple of reasons: 1. It's normal for someone to feel that way about their gf/bf. They are caught up in the romance and everything seems perfect. 2. It obviously wasn't as good as the letter made it out to be or they'd still be together. 3. Maybe he just hasn't said that stuff to you yet, give it time. 4. Who cares, he was obviously blowing smoke up her ass. On to the more important issue! You are with a cheater! Forget the letter, you need to focus on and deal with the fact that he has no qualms about cheating.
Almond_Joy Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I'm a little confused about the specifics of this story, I hope OP you will clarify. Before your bf met you he was in a relationship, and he cheated on that girl. Was the letter he wrote about the girl he cheated with or the girlfriend he cheated on? And if it's the latter, are you the girl he cheated with? The way you describe it makes me think he cheated with you and didn't tell you he was already in a relationship. You should talk to your bf about these misgivings, if you don't think he has cheated on you. If he gets defensive and angry and tries to make you feel bad for doubting him after this news, break up. He's not ready to take responsibility for what he did and likely has no qualms with doing it again if he hasn't done so already. If, however, you tell him your concerns and he doesn't get accusatory and defensive, this can be a great opportunity to strengthen your relationship by having him share what he loves about you and why he is still committed to you. For all of those grand words in the letter, the fact is that he is not with that woman, he is with you. There's probably many very good reasons for that. If you decide to stay, good luck and keep your wits about you - if he loved that other girl so much and cheated on her he may have a problem with commitment and could really put you through the ringer in the long run.
silvermercy Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I will assume the OP is not a troll, for now at least, since the post looks a bit unbelievable... I'm not sure if I got that right, but your main problem seems to be the letter and not his cheating!? Well, I'll be short: I think you need to re-examine your priorities in life! Also, unless I read it wrong, the love letter was written to the girl he cheated on. So if learning about his cheating is not a problem (this notion seriously boggles my mind) then the love letter was written to her as an apology letter. It's only natural he wrote those words. Cheaters usually do that and pour their heart out. It doesn't mean they actually mean those words and could be all lies for all you know. Well, he's a cheater, after all! 1
rocketman122 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Yes, trash your 1.5 year relationship because he cheated on an ex in the past. Because no one learns from their mistakes and surely you should wait until perfection finds you and picks you from your cloud of judgement and lifts you into heavenly bliss with a white knight. wow what a statement. did you just come from Goa? you must be a cheater to say that. no I dont think cheaters learn. many wont cheat again, but if the opportunity is there, they wont hesitate.
swenann991 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 bennie if you thing on that way, your will end up - nowhere. In my country, for man who has "playful" past older women says "take him! You don't need man that no body wants to have" I think that the point is we always want some nice and decent guy and can't then be jealous on his past...
Author bennie Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I'm a little confused about the specifics of this story, I hope OP you will clarify. Before your bf met you he was in a relationship, and he cheated on that girl. Was the letter he wrote about the girl he cheated with or the girlfriend he cheated on? And if it's the latter, are you the girl he cheated with? The way you describe it makes me think he cheated with you and didn't tell you he was already in a relationship. You should talk to your bf about these misgivings, if you don't think he has cheated on you. If he gets defensive and angry and tries to make you feel bad for doubting him after this news, break up. He's not ready to take responsibility for what he did and likely has no qualms with doing it again if he hasn't done so already. If, however, you tell him your concerns and he doesn't get accusatory and defensive, this can be a great opportunity to strengthen your relationship by having him share what he loves about you and why he is still committed to you. For all of those grand words in the letter, the fact is that he is not with that woman, he is with you. There's probably many very good reasons for that. If you decide to stay, good luck and keep your wits about you - if he loved that other girl so much and cheated on her he may have a problem with commitment and could really put you through the ringer in the long run. Thank you! I think I am suffering from RJ. I need to find a way to get over it since nothing bothered me before seeing the letter, or knowing about the girl he cheated with. To clarify, I did not know my boyfriend while he was dating the girl he cheated on, I met him about nine months after they broke up.
Author bennie Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I'm a little confused about the specifics of this story, I hope OP you will clarify. Before your bf met you he was in a relationship, and he cheated on that girl. Was the letter he wrote about the girl he cheated with or the girlfriend he cheated on? And if it's the latter, are you the girl he cheated with? The way you describe it makes me think he cheated with you and didn't tell you he was already in a relationship. You should talk to your bf about these misgivings, if you don't think he has cheated on you. If he gets defensive and angry and tries to make you feel bad for doubting him after this news, break up. He's not ready to take responsibility for what he did and likely has no qualms with doing it again if he hasn't done so already. If, however, you tell him your concerns and he doesn't get accusatory and defensive, this can be a great opportunity to strengthen your relationship by having him share what he loves about you and why he is still committed to you. For all of those grand words in the letter, the fact is that he is not with that woman, he is with you. There's probably many very good reasons for that. If you decide to stay, good luck and keep your wits about you - if he loved that other girl so much and cheated on her he may have a problem with commitment and could really put you through the ringer in the long run. sorry i missed this, the letter was to the girlfriend he cheated ON.
Keenly Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 People calm the f down. Your claiming once a cheater always a cheater and that's just BS. I cheated on my first girlfriend. I was cheated on by my second girlfriend. Guess what..... ill never cheat again, because I experienced it. So stop freaking out over the past. Its not fair or healthy to be jealous of things that happened before you were together .
veggirl Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 How did you find a letter written to his ex? He wrote it but never sent it? When did he write it? Your story confuses me.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I get what you are saying OP. It sucks. I know. FFS DB has pictures of him and ex girlfriends and letters in this box in his closet. You really can't do anything but suck it up. If anything, you can bring up how you are jealous and have him reassure you, but that could backfire. It is my experience that unless you come at him with guns blazing and he is a total ass, it is a conversation that could help. As for the cheating part, not once a cheater always a cheater. Did you guys discuss the whole cheating thing? With how long you guys have been together, sitting down and calmly discussing these things shouldn't be too hard.
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