Miller19 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Just needed a place to kind of write this all down I guess. So my wife and I have been married for almost 5 years this April. We met 6 years ago in the Navy. We fell HARD for each other and spent every weekend in hotel rooms away from our ship and enjoying each others company. We got married a year later. With that came of course her leaving my command. So we were apart 3 times while I was on deployments over the next three years. We had our problems in between. We're both such strong stubborn people, which would make for some intense fights. Before my last deployment a little over 2 years ago things went pretty far south. I was actually going to go out on that deployment and separate from her. Well the day before I left I found out she was pregnant even though doctors had told is she probably could never have a child after multiple miscarries(medical history problems). So I was excited and I felt like here's a new chapter in our life and a chance to start fresh. So I went out on that deployment while she was pregnant back at home. We actually got along famously while I was away. I came back and a month later we had our little beautiful baby girl. My wife had a C section so I took care of her and the baby for about 2-3 months and everything was fine. After that it has been nothing but a straight down hill spiral for over a year. We have huge fights and have talked about separating and divorce on multiple occasions. We have tried counseling, books, different strategies..we feel like we've tried everything. Today while our lil one was napping we had a huge fight. It got very heated and my wife literally physically attacked me. She scratched me all over the side of my face and down my side. I have never hit a woman and never will but I had to shove her off me to stop her attack. She packed up her stuff and went to a hotel. I believe divorce is our only option unfortunately but it is so hard for me to swallow because I promised myself I would never do that to my child after I went through it with my parents and my father being a drug addict growing up. The whole situation is just hard to swallow, we've been through so much and now to really feel like it's over feels horrible. The worst part is I feel our amazingly happy and beautiful baby girl is the one who is going to suffer now because I couldn't fix this marriage. Don't know really what I'm looking for but I guess any advice on how to make it easy as possible for our child. She wants to get an apartment nearby and legally separate this week. Any advice?
tojaz Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Hi Millier, welcome to LS, but sorry you are in need of it. Advice will be different depending on what it is you decide you are looking for. For the time being, my suggestion would be to let her do her thing, but not to rush any action on your part. It sounds like you both tend to move awfully quickly regardless of what direction it's in. Regardless of what outcome you decide to try for, slowing down and moving deliberately will be a big asset for you. Just for the sake of context, and obviously only if you are willing to share... what have your fights been about? Has there been a constant theme? TOJAZ
Author Miller19 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) Well our fights are about multiple things. I will start with what I "do wrong" in the marriage in her perspective. Basically, she feels I am selfish. She is the type of person that wants to I feel smother their partner. I am a person that needs time to myself to do things. So for example the other day I came home and wanted to work out before I did what I told her I would do the day before, the dishes. So she felt I was being selfish and taking care of my needs before the needs of the family by working out and not cleaning the house. So she freaked out about it and did them herself and I worked out. We've always had this problem of if I want to do something on my own she makes a big deal about it. I have barely hung out with any friends the last year because I'm always afraid it will cause a fight. She does have anger issues and is depressed. She says this is from the marriage. I know I do not help sometimes with my snappy attitude but it's become harder and harder to just be okay with each other. So as dumb as it sounds most of our fights start over the smallest thing that usually I am doing wrong in her eyes and she gets pissed at me. So then I get mad back and it is just a back and forth feeding of the fight. All of this has led to problems in the bedroom. I just don't know what it is but I just don't have that feeling a lot of the time for her anymore. So she gets highly upset and feels I think she is ugly. Which is not the case. It's just I don't know I think after SO MUCH fighting I'm not attracted to her as a person anymore. Edited February 2, 2013 by Miller19
tojaz Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) Sounds like you have thought about this a lot and in a lot of detail. Here's a question I ask a lot on this site. If you had a magic wand and could make this situation resolve any way you like, what would it be and why? Keep in mind that the rest of the world is bending to your will here, answer selfishly, but take your time and answer honestly. TOJAZ Edited February 2, 2013 by tojaz
Author Miller19 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 That's easy I would make it so our marriage was perfect and our little girl was raised in a great home with both her parents. I answer that way for our little girl's happiness though not for my own or my wife's sake. If I was thinking just for my own happiness I would just want this to all be over and be able to move on. After all this fighting and horrible things that have went on I am not in love with her anymore. I finally understand what it means to love someone but not be in love with them.
tojaz Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 That's easy I would make it so our marriage was perfect and our little girl was raised in a great home with both her parents. I answer that way for our little girl's happiness though not for my own or my wife's sake. If I was thinking just for my own happiness I would just want this to all be over and be able to move on. After all this fighting and horrible things that have went on I am not in love with her anymore. I finally understand what it means to love someone but not be in love with them. Well then you have your answer. Two parents together doesn't automatically equal a happy, healthy, well adjusted child. If you and your wife are together but unhappy together then it will be difficult to be good parents, but if you feel you both are better and will be happier apart, then that would be better for everyone involved and that includes your daughter. Probably just the pro marriage side of me (as much as a divorced man can have anyway;)), but I am going to suggest that you take the time to ask yourself that question again when the stress and emotions that prompted you to start this thread have passed, just to be sure the answers are the same when anger and an emotionally charged situation aren't influencing your view. If your answer is the same, then you can move forward knowing you gave it every chance, if not, this forum isn't going anywhere. TOJAZ 1
dejame Posted February 24, 2013 Posted February 24, 2013 it always makes me wonder when people say they were in love, sometimes madly in love and they weren't able to make the relationship work with all of this love they each had for the other. Do we think of love as a transient state of mind? Is it so easily dissipated by the stresses of daily living? Shouldn't love help us overcome or lead us to compromise with our partner for the good ? These are questions that I ask myself as I am going through the demise of my own marriage. I madly loved and still love my husband. But, here I am having reached a point where we no longer had the ability to jump over the chasm of upset and distrust that built up over years. It all started with one issue that eventually tore our relationship apart. In retrospect, it didn't need to turn out this way if we had used some of the love we had to respect each other more. Listen to each other more. Care about the relationship more than ourselves. Everyone has to come to their own conclusion and hopefully be able to repair the relationship with the hindsight or make the next one better. Only loving a person during the good times seems to be a recipe for the eventual breakup. Just a thought.
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