tigressA Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Does putting text in your profile essentially blaming the opposite sex for your lack of success in relationships equal more (initial) success in online dating? I talked to my ex recently--he's mailing my lost sock he found --and I had a friendly suggestion for him re: his profile (I had Googled it previously out of morbid curiosity and I ranted about the pics I took that he had in it). In it, I noticed he'd added parts saying he 'almost never' meets women who are healthy, genuine, etc. And mentions that he 'gives much more than he ever receives'. I told him it reads like gender blaming and it's not attractive. He countered me, saying he's had increased initial messages and increased responses to his messages since having added that. He thought it was 'smart' since he had seen a lot of women's profiles writing about how men will say anything (lie) to get ahead. I thought, "Wow, starting off with mutual bitterness--great way to get into a satisfying relationship." In response, I mentioned I haven't been in the best relationships, but that would never lead me to pigeonholing a large group of people, wished him the best, and moved on. I haven't seen very much gender blaming at all in my experiences with OLD, and if it had been in the version of my ex's profile I had first seen, I would never have met him. I think it's gross. What do you think? Can the blame game really work in OLD?
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Does putting text in your profile essentially blaming the opposite sex for your lack of success in relationships equal more (initial) success in online dating? I talked to my ex recently--he's mailing my lost sock he found --and I had a friendly suggestion for him re: his profile (I had Googled it previously out of morbid curiosity and I ranted about the pics I took that he had in it). In it, I noticed he'd added parts saying he 'almost never' meets women who are healthy, genuine, etc. And mentions that he 'gives much more than he ever receives'. I told him it reads like gender blaming and it's not attractive. He countered me, saying he's had increased initial messages and increased responses to his messages since having added that. He thought it was 'smart' since he had seen a lot of women's profiles writing about how men will say anything (lie) to get ahead. I thought, "Wow, starting off with mutual bitterness--great way to get into a satisfying relationship." In response, I mentioned I haven't been in the best relationships, but that would never lead me to pigeonholing a large group of people, wished him the best, and moved on. I haven't seen very much gender blaming at all in my experiences with OLD, and if it had been in the version of my ex's profile I had first seen, I would never have met him. I think it's gross. What do you think? Can the blame game really work in OLD? Honestly? You shouldn't care so much. I know it is not the point of this post, but what he does isn't your business and it is weird that you not only know whats on his profile, but you are picking it apart. Then there is the fact that he got into contact with you so he could mail you a sock.... 2
Author tigressA Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Honestly? You shouldn't care so much. I know it is not the point of this post, but what he does isn't your business and it is weird that you not only know whats on his profile, but you are picking it apart. Then there is the fact that he got into contact with you so he could mail you a sock.... Really not the point of the post at all. I'm using the story to illustrate the point. I'd appreciate if you--and everyone else!--stick to the point of the post, which is perfectly clear. Thank you!
tbf Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 tigress, consider behaviours that you've observed on LS. Some of the guys play the same gender blaming game, setting up a false premise in the opening post, then expecting women to prove them wrong. In doing so, it gets attention and satisfied the need to play social dominance games, since their perception is that they have the upper hand because no one can prove them "wrong". Your ex is a good-looking guy. So he's going to draw some women, regardless of what he states in his profile. Then, playing the social proof game, he's going to get women who will try to prove him wrong. "I'm special, not like the other women". It's all quite fascinating. But one thing, try to stop thinking about and talking to your ex.
El Brujo Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Can the blame game really work in OLD? I don't see how it can, unless a lot of the other people who have profiles on the same OLDS know you and the other person too. But OTOH leaving a "goodbye, OLD" profile (like mine) is sort of a blame game in general... if you do that, you're essentially telling anyone who finds and reads your profile that they're not worth your time, because you're ONLY doing the IRL thing nowadays. It's exactly what I did with my OLD profile.
outsidethebox Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I don't know, is pre-emptive look what she did to me more successful than post-dating look what he did to me? Probably. Hard to believe anyone of opposite sex finds either one enamoring. It is useful for getting same sex yeah, you're right posts though. Except guys wouldn't be looking at his profile. Well most guys. A lot of one upmanship.
Author tigressA Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 tigress, consider behaviours that you've observed on LS. Some of the guys play the same gender blaming game, setting up a false premise in the opening post, then expecting women to prove them wrong. In doing so, it gets attention and satisfied the need to play social dominance games, since their perception is that they have the upper hand because no one can prove them "wrong". Your ex is a good-looking guy. So he's going to draw some women, regardless of what he states in his profile. Then, playing the social proof game, he's going to get women who will try to prove him wrong. "I'm special, not like the other women". This is basically what I was thinking, but more cohesive. Knowing you're basically 'guilty until proven innocent' from the very beginning is not appealing to me. It's like laying the reputation for an entire gender on one person's shoulders. Lots of pressure. I guess it's a good way to appeal to those who are extremely confident/arrogant/like competition.
Imajerk17 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) Does putting text in your profile essentially blaming the opposite sex for your lack of success in relationships equal more (initial) success in online dating? I talked to my ex recently--he's mailing my lost sock he found --and I had a friendly suggestion for him re: his profile (I had Googled it previously out of morbid curiosity and I ranted about the pics I took that he had in it). In it, I noticed he'd added parts saying he 'almost never' meets women who are healthy, genuine, etc. And mentions that he 'gives much more than he ever receives'. I told him it reads like gender blaming and it's not attractive. He countered me, saying he's had increased initial messages and increased responses to his messages since having added that. He thought it was 'smart' since he had seen a lot of women's profiles writing about how men will say anything (lie) to get ahead. I thought, "Wow, starting off with mutual bitterness--great way to get into a satisfying relationship." In response, I mentioned I haven't been in the best relationships, but that would never lead me to pigeonholing a large group of people, wished him the best, and moved on. I haven't seen very much gender blaming at all in my experiences with OLD, and if it had been in the version of my ex's profile I had first seen, I would never have met him. I think it's gross. What do you think? Can the blame game really work in OLD? Very interesting thread. I haven't seen this personally in my OLD, but keep in mind: (1) I am in a different age-range. (2) I am on Match, a paid site. When I was on POF I saw plenty of women's profiles that expressed disgust for the men on there. (3) I am a guy. I would have no problem writing a woman complaining about how bad men online are (how men are too sex-focused). Hell most women's profiles seem to say the same things anyway, and yet I write them anyway. Why? I'm a guy and if a girl is physically attractive to me, that covers a lot of sins. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but it's real talk. I draw the line at any woman who says that she always ends up with the wrong guy. It says to me a bad people-picker and an unwillingness to take responsibility for her choices. As for women who write guys with negative profiles, I think women especially are more attracted to real than fake. A wounded artist who tells it as he sees it gets laid a lot more than a Nice Guy with a fake smile who always tries to say the right things. A woman in her early 20s (who might not be mature herself) might see a gloomy profile and say "that's exactly how I feel sometimes! OMG we're emotional twins!"--instead of thinking that this is a guy who doesn't take responsibility for his choices--while she might see an upbeat profile and think that it's just another sales page. Edited February 2, 2013 by Imajerk17 2
tbf Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 This is basically what I was thinking, but more cohesive. Knowing you're basically 'guilty until proven innocent' from the very beginning is not appealing to me. It's like laying the reputation for an entire gender on one person's shoulders. Lots of pressure. I guess it's a good way to appeal to those who are extremely confident/arrogant/like competition.Considering the sheer volume of OWs, do you doubt that there's an audience for this kind of man? 1
Author tigressA Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I have asked that question of friends who are like that--"Ever think that the problem may be you?" And a good bit of them really hadn't thought of it that way. At one point before I had deleted my profile I had decided to include a bit about how no one ever really talks about THEIR OWN shortcomings as well as their positive qualities. I then decided to 'break the mold' and describe some of my not-so-appealing traits, including a disclosure of previous infidelity. I didn't get nearly as many messages after that, and one guy messaged me scoffing at my choice, asking me if I thought that really made me look attractive to most guys out there. So much for real talk. Seems like it only works when you're ranting about how much everyone else sucks and you're so cool.
outsidethebox Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I'm curious about the whole justification thing in profiles that's being talked about, like I'm single because of other people's shortcomings, or mine, or whatever justification. Like the need to justify having a dating profile. I guess I never thought of it that way. The infidelity thing I don't think is anyone else's business and not real reassuring to a man's sometimes fragile ego. I like the profiles where the women say they have resolved their differences and have moved on. But maybe mutual complaining about being wronged is sometimes a bond, at least initially. But it has to come up after already meeting and talking, not a red flag saying I've been wronged by women, but why don't you come and try to save me. Can't see that being really appealing but maybe it is to someone. Guess we'll hear from them if it is.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I'm not gonna lie its worked for me. I see a guy say he had been cheated on by women and stuff I am more inclined to be interested because it means he has been through that pain and wouldn't do it to me. I'm gullible. 1
Woggle Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Deep down they have probably felt that way about the opposite sex so that is why they might respond. People tend to be people most like themselves.
johan Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It seems similar to going to a job interview and blaming your previous employers for why you've had such a hard time keeping a job. Ultimately whether it works depends a lot what kind of idiot interviews you. There are a lot of women who fall for that kind of thing (In dating, I mean. Not interviewing.) 1
Talak7 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It seems similar to going to a job interview and blaming your previous employers for why you've had such a hard time keeping a job. Ultimately whether it works depends a lot what kind of idiot interviews you. There are a lot of women who fall for that kind of thing (In dating, I mean. Not interviewing.) Great analogy. "Blaming" the opposite sex = Absolutely will not talk to them Somehow cleverly insinuating that people in general are stupid = very interested in talking to them. That's what gets me.... The blaming to me says "I've been hurt and I'm insecure and I am so insecure that I have to put my walls so high that I'm yelling "NO cheaters please!" at my door and you better you better..me..me...bla bla....". Like - Geeze, I don't even know anything about you except that you're insecure, don't trust people, and have a negative outlook on life. SOUNDS GREAT!! But cleverly hating on everyone is a good way (to me anyway) to show that you are smart - In form of language, choice of word, ability to analogize/"think" and highlighting that you general view the general population as a bit slow is a much better looking package. But if you somewhat cleverly insinuate that the general population is stupid (Ie; I spend lots of time thinking about ____ "The extra chromosome everyone around me seems to keep in their pocket" I would probably laugh and enjoy that and be much more interested....
Author tigressA Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Whenever I saw gender blaming in OLD profiles I was instantly turned off. It just screams bitterness and a lack of personal responsibility. I've seen rather vicious versions of it, with men calling women 'bitches' and 'hos' and 'gold-diggers'. I think more attractive, intelligent-sounding people can get away with it easily, for the obvious reasons. I'm sure I could get away with it. We all have our ways of succeeding in the dating game, but constantly putting the blame on others certainly doesn't make me feel better than them, or look better than them. I feel sorry for those who insinuate they are better than others and are all "woe is me" because there aren't near enough people on "their level". 1
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