promises Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It's been mentioned that single men are not as charming/attentive as MM who engage in affairs. Why is this? Have OW found this to be true? I question if the MM is as charming with his W as he comes off with the OW? Thoughts? Reasons?
Got it Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 No this is bull. Men are men, regardless of their marital status. Some are more charming than others. It is just bizarre conspiracy theories. Like the sightings of the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot. 2
eleanorrigby Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I think men and women are just more charming in general when they go 'a courtin'. 4
jwi71 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It's been mentioned that single men are not as charming/attentive as MM who engage in affairs. Why is this? Have OW found this to be true? I question if the MM is as charming with his W as he comes off with the OW? Thoughts? Reasons? I do not believe it to be true. In fact, the statement invalidates itself - a single man may potentially have others to court and woe. A MM is guaranteed to have another to attend - several more if children are involved. I have not often heard from OM/OW that the WS is spending TOO much time - its usually the opposite.
Journee Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 All MM started out as single so they had to attract women somehow. With charm, intellect. Whatever the case. I doubt once those vows are taken all MM lurk in the shadows rubbing their hands together waiting for the next conquest to come along. All of a sudden they become Rico Suave. He either has it or he doesn't. Some certainly do hunt and some people just suck and don't care who they hurt. I believe people are just who they are. If a man wants to have an affair he will find an AP willing to do so. Exceptions are the AP's that are lied to about marital status. I don't want to paint all affairs with the same brush nor all MM. I don't believe it is all predator and prey. I still believe A's are situational as you mentioned. To one woman that "charm" is gross. While another really enjoys it. Different strokes and all that. It's all unfortunate. I wouldn't wish the pain of an A (from any participant) on anyone. 4
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It's been mentioned that single men are not as charming/attentive as MM who engage in affairs. Why is this? Have OW found this to be true? I question if the MM is as charming with his W as he comes off with the OW? Thoughts? Reasons? Affairs are taboo and hidden, dramatic and intense. So like a moth to a flame or light - It is attractive to some obviously. Also, a MM has no obligation, no real promise to follow through on anything he says, which is probably why these men DO say anything and everything - It's broken promises and he knows he can get out of it by saying "you knew I was married all along so how could I follow through on anything I've said.." Anyway, MM or MW who cheats on their spouse may be charming, attentive people but they are missing a lot inside. 5
MissBee Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It's been mentioned that single men are not as charming/attentive as MM who engage in affairs. Why is this? Have OW found this to be true? I question if the MM is as charming with his W as he comes off with the OW? Thoughts? Reasons? I haven't dated an actual married man. But I haven't found it to be true. The married guys who've tried to talk to me seemed pretty sleazy and I wasn't interested. I did meet one who was very charming though. But based on that, it seemed similar to what I find with single guys...some are charming, many more aren't. But I haven't dated a married guy to compare and even if I did...it still wouldn't help, unless I dated several. As my experience with one MM being attentive/charming could just be him and not a MM trait. So unless I dated 10 MM and 10 single ones, then I'd be able to see if there was any pattern of the married ones being more charming/attentive. Otherwise...I don't know about that. I do believe though that some MM probably fit the bill and really play up the attentiveness and charm if they are regular prowlers and serial cheaters. My dad for example, based on what OW say post-dday, he seems like a different man than what I've known....he is a lot more patient, charming, saintlier, loving, kind, not cheap etc than he is with his own family . So in that case to procure OW I guess he does go over board to be something he isn't often...but that could be said for single men too attempting to woo. 1
MissBee Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I think men and women are just more charming in general when they go 'a courtin'. Ditto! A wife's idea of her wayward husband or an ex-girlfriend's idea of her former boyfriend will most likely be very different than the idea the current OW or new gf he's just wooing has. Which is not to say it is always bad...but when you have known/lived with/argued with someone for years your idea of them is different and often less shiny and perfect than when you are just dating.
Realist3 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It's been mentioned that single men are not as charming/attentive as MM who engage in affairs. Why is this? Have OW found this to be true? I question if the MM is as charming with his W as he comes off with the OW? Thoughts? Reasons? I'm not sure I agree with the posit, but I will play along for the sake of discussion. The confidence/experience factor. When singles meet there are usually a level of games being played by both. Who likes whom more? Who is going to assert control? On and on. Insecurities abound. With a married AP(man or woman), all of those shenanigans go out the window. They know how to work a relationship, and are confident in doing so. Are they more attentive? Perhaps. They are looking for a new adventure and they know the opportunities are few and far between so they put their best effort into it. In a single/single relationship that attentiveness could be offputting, and seen as a sign of weakness or desparation.
Furious Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Single men usually don't future fake. MM can proclaim undying love, talk about the future, make promises that can only happen if and when he leaves the wife. If a single man said I love you, I want to share my life, it's usually followed with a proposal and a ring. A MM says it all, but....but....but....not now...but soon...when I leave the wife...but....but.... MM get away with much more and promise much more compared to a single man who has no excuse to prevent him from making a commitment. 9
Pierre Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 No this is bull. Men are men, regardless of their marital status. Some are more charming than others. It is just bizarre conspiracy theories. Like the sightings of the Loch Ness Monster and Big Foot. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, but many newbie OWs that post in the forum often state how charming, attentive, and smooth MOM was. They often state they texted over 100 times a day and spent 4-6 hours on the phone. The affair relationship seems to have an intensity that is less common in relationships among singles. MOM often say the words ILY very soon which is not the norm among singles. However, these cheating smooth MM were once single so the marital status does not transform them into charming smooth men. In other words many cheating MOM were probably player types when the were single. The other issue is the lower number of options for MM. Most single women will not give a MM a second look. So when a cheater type MM finds a single women that is willing to overlook his marital status he works harder at the art of courting. 4
Pierre Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It's been mentioned that single men are not as charming/attentive as MM who engage in affairs. Why is this? Have OW found this to be true? I question if the MM is as charming with his W as he comes off with the OW? Thoughts? Reasons? Here is a quote from poster named Quiet Storm: I think in most cases, OW loves the way MM makes her feel. Since he inspires such intense feelings in her, she feels that she loves him. She labels it "love", and is rarely introspective about her own issues that could be fueling the feeling. Past emotional, physical or sexual abuse, and abandonment issues, especially ones related to the relationship with her father, are common in OW. OWs vulnerability, and her willingness to tolerate situations that go against her standards and values, are important to the affair dynamic because most emotionally healthy women would not volunteer for or tolerate an affair. MM are very attentive because they don't have a large pool of women to choose from, like single men do. Once they find a woman willing to partake, they will give her lots of attention and ramp up the romance because they want her to feel special. They have to make her feel strongly enough and special enough that she will tolerate the fact that he is married and continue the affair. The feeling MM is looking to inspire is "he thinks I am so special that he will risk it all for me". Although I don't believe most married men intentionally use intermittent reinforcement to strengthen the bond, the end result is the same. The usual affair dynamics (push-pull, or he swings between being super attentive and not so attentive) create an uncertainty that fuels the passion. The sadness when you miss him, coupled with relief you feel when reunited, is so addictive and creates a dopamine response in your brain, like cocaine. Of course, one cannot generalize and there are exceptions to the rule. 2
stevie_23 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I think there're a few factors, and I agree with several of the previous posts in this thread. - MM have experience and current ongoing experience in how to treat a woman (to her face, anyway) to keep her happy - MM may have more a sense of "obligation" or "responsibility" (even if they're not actually living up to that responsibility by cheating on their wives) because they're in a situation that obviously isn't 100% ideal for them, but they're still there...not leaving...for some reason - OW don't seem to expect as much from MM as they would from a single man, because if a single man tells them he loves them, there's a lot more of an expectation for progress in the relationship. If 5 years down the track, a single man is still living by himself and hasn't moved in or proposed marriage yet, the woman would view this as them not wanting those things. But if a MM does the same exact thing, it's because he "can't", so it's "ok" - In some cases (which may be rare, I don't know), and especially if the OW is also married, there's not really much pressure within their relationship because neither of them can really BE together so they don't expect as much and so...they can focus more on their "love bubble" and thus perceive the MM in a more positive light - Also related to the above, maybe the OW isn't 100% committed to the MM either (for whatever reason) and so she would PREFER him not to be 100% available to her - If a MM is unhappy in his marriage, he may feel more loyalty and connection with the OW as opposed to his wife. So he may "maintain" the relationship with his wife, but "give" more to the OW in terms of sharing and deeper emotional bonding. This stuff is important to women. They feel "special" maybe due to this and feel it's her and him AGAINST the wife. So this makes them feel the MM is having to live with the burden of an unhappy marriage (so the OW feels more understanding towards the MM) and also it makes them feel part of a pair and a sense of belonging with the MM, which is also inclined to make them feel more positive towards him as a person...HER person - The addictive side of an affair. The sense of great and desperate need and relief when the OW is with the MM. They only feel "right" when they're together. They NEED each other. There is often either constant high level or low level fear and anxiety about losing the MM if his wife found out about the relationship. A constant fear of losing someone tends to make you appreciate them more - The MM is in love, feels alive, loves how the OW makes him feel...it's NEW. So of course he'll be pretty wonderful to the OW at this stage in their relationship - And conversely, the OW loves how the MM makes HER feel in this early relationship stage, so those rose coloured glasses are on. 1
Pierre Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I think there're a few factors, and I agree with several of the previous posts in this thread. - MM have experience and current ongoing experience in how to treat a woman (to her face, anyway) to keep her happy - MM may have more a sense of "obligation" or "responsibility" (even if they're not actually living up to that responsibility by cheating on their wives) because they're in a situation that obviously isn't 100% ideal for them, but they're still there...not leaving...for some reason - OW don't seem to expect as much from MM as they would from a single man, because if a single man tells them he loves them, there's a lot more of an expectation for progress in the relationship. If 5 years down the track, a single man is still living by himself and hasn't moved in or proposed marriage yet, the woman would view this as them not wanting those things. But if a MM does the same exact thing, it's because he "can't", so it's "ok" - In some cases (which may be rare, I don't know), and especially if the OW is also married, there's not really much pressure within their relationship because neither of them can really BE together so they don't expect as much and so...they can focus more on their "love bubble" and thus perceive the MM in a more positive light - Also related to the above, maybe the OW isn't 100% committed to the MM either (for whatever reason) and so she would PREFER him not to be 100% available to her - If a MM is unhappy in his marriage, he may feel more loyalty and connection with the OW as opposed to his wife. So he may "maintain" the relationship with his wife, but "give" more to the OW in terms of sharing and deeper emotional bonding. This stuff is important to women. They feel "special" maybe due to this and feel it's her and him AGAINST the wife. So this makes them feel the MM is having to live with the burden of an unhappy marriage (so the OW feels more understanding towards the MM) and also it makes them feel part of a pair and a sense of belonging with the MM, which is also inclined to make them feel more positive towards him as a person...HER person - The addictive side of an affair. The sense of great and desperate need and relief when the OW is with the MM. They only feel "right" when they're together. They NEED each other. There is often either constant high level or low level fear and anxiety about losing the MM if his wife found out about the relationship. A constant fear of losing someone tends to make you appreciate them more - The MM is in love, feels alive, loves how the OW makes him feel...it's NEW. So of course he'll be pretty wonderful to the OW at this stage in their relationship - And conversely, the OW loves how the MM makes HER feel in this early relationship stage, so those rose coloured glasses are on. I agree 100%. Very good insight!
Author promises Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Here is a quote from poster named Quiet Storm: Although I don't believe most married men intentionally use intermittent reinforcement to strengthen the bond, the end result is the same. The usual affair dynamics (push-pull, or he swings between being super attentive and not so attentive) create an uncertainty that fuels the passion. The sadness when you miss him, coupled with relief you feel when reunited, is so addictive and creates a dopamine response in your brain, like cocaine. This is the truth. The push pull. The uncertainty. The sadness. The addictiveness. It is so so unhealthy and so very true. I may get differing opinions for this, but, it mirrors abusive traits, no? I think that it does. 4
LFH Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 It's been mentioned that single men are not as charming/attentive as MM who engage in affairs. Why is this? Have OW found this to be true? I question if the MM is as charming with his W as he comes off with the OW? Thoughts? Reasons? I think I'd need you to define charm. The slimey ooze some people exude? That comes from mm and single guys alike. Some people are just gross. Sincere likability? That also comes from either side as well. I think it's individual, like everything else. Put upon charm or demeanor from anyone always rings false and unappealing to me, so that's why I asked what you mean by charm.
Got it Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Ditto! A wife's idea of her wayward husband or an ex-girlfriend's idea of her former boyfriend will most likely be very different than the idea the current OW or new gf he's just wooing has. Which is not to say it is always bad...but when you have known/lived with/argued with someone for years your idea of them is different and often less shiny and perfect than when you are just dating. This brings to mind the saying, one person's garbage is another person's treasure. Its so bad, I don't know why that keeps popping into my head. 1
Author promises Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I think I'd need you to define charm. The slimey ooze some people exude? That comes from mm and single guys alike. Some people are just gross. Sincere likability? That also comes from either side as well. I think it's individual, like everything else. Put upon charm or demeanor from anyone always rings false and unappealing to me, so that's why I asked what you mean by charm. I just feel like he was so deliberate and had all the time in the world to get there. I felt like this was sincerity because he was investing in me because he sincerely was falling in love with me. Right now I feel victimized and I know that I was a participant so it's a bit confusing. However, he was charming while doing this. He was 'the man of my dreams' in his words and ease. I suppose that is what I mean by charming. Diluted but, it's what I believed. How could a man kiss you under a street light, (right in front of his neighbors who were all outside and saw), and not mean everything he was saying about his life and how he felt about me? Sorry- off topic. 1
Got it Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 promises, it may be because at that moment he did mean it. He really thought that is what he wanted to do, that is how he wanted to proceed. But when circumstances changed, when the truth was out, his whole outlook changed. Honey, it isn't you, it really is him. ((((promises))))
Author promises Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 promises, it may be because at that moment he did mean it. He really thought that is what he wanted to do, that is how he wanted to proceed. But when circumstances changed, when the truth was out, his whole outlook changed. Honey, it isn't you, it really is him. ((((promises)))) thank you. Unfortunately, today I feel loss.
LFH Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 thank you. Unfortunately, today I feel loss. And tomorrow will seem brighter. How can you make today better? I think a lot of times charm is situational. I agree with got it, I don't think that it's necessarily that he didn't mean it. I don't KNOW that. I don't know HIIM. But I don't know many people that say and do thiings like that without meaning them.
Pierre Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 promises, it may be because at that moment he did mean it. He really thought that is what he wanted to do, that is how he wanted to proceed. But when circumstances changed, when the truth was out, his whole outlook changed. Honey, it isn't you, it really is him. ((((promises)))) I fully agree. He meant everything he said and he was in love. Yes, he loved Promises very deeply inside the affair bubble.
Author promises Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 And tomorrow will seem brighter. How can you make today better? I think a lot of times charm is situational. I agree with got it, I don't think that it's necessarily that he didn't mean it. I don't KNOW that. I don't know HIIM. But I don't know many people that say and do thiings like that without meaning them. His last letter did say that it was never his intention to hurt me. But, it's hard to know that he is happy once again and I've been left with the pieces. I do think he is happy to be home. Today is another gym day and taking my father out for dinner. I don't know why, but, I feel like it would make me feel better if I knew he missed me sometimes, too. Do they just jumped back into their worlds and never think of the OW again? It just seems so inhuman. I've never experienced a break up like this. It's something I never want to go through again. I've been asked to a party on Sunday with a man I work out with. I'm pretty sure it's a date. I like him as a work out friend, but, I am just not ready for this. I feel flattered just sad about it and honestly, in a warped way a bit loyal to my lingering feelings. (twisted again).
Author promises Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I'm off to sweat it out. You all are the best. Thanks for taking the time to lift me up today.
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