Jump to content

I never understood why ANYONE would cheat, but it's all clear to me now.

FolderWife

By FolderWife
in Infidelity

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

FolderWife Established Member

FolderWife

Posted
Posted

I always thought that if someone wanted to cheat on their spouse, why didn't they just get a divorce first?

 

I learned why Saturday night:

 

A co-worker of mine had a birthday party, and I wanted to go. My husband said he didn't want to go, but that he had no problem with me going. Before I left, we had an intimate conversation about some problems that he's been having at work, and when I left, he felt better, and I felt in love, and close to him.

 

I went to the party, and everyone was drinking...except me, because I don't drink.

 

My co worker has this HOT brother, whom I've been attracted to since the first time I laid eyes on him....but I'm married.

 

As the evening waned on, I caught myself watching him all the time. I was outside, when he walked by, and since it's his house, I asked if he had a sweater or something that I could borrow. He got me a sweater, but before he gave it to me, he doused it in calgon (sp?) It smelled soooooooooo good. I just wore his warm sweater, and thought about how great he smelled.

 

I kept catching him looking at me too. Then, there was a nice little girl there, who kept touching him and stuff, so I thought she was his girlfriend. He kept ignoring her though. He'd come over to my group and talk to us all, then I'd make myself available, and he'd come and talk to me one on one, and he's sooooo good looking, and he smelled sooooo good, and I was at the party alone, and he was giving me attention, and ignoring his little girlfriend, and I've had a crush on him forever, and I just got caught up in the whole thing.

 

I flirted with him, and told him that he smelled good, but he wouldn't tell me what brand he wore...I don't know why, I guess he was flirting back. I asked him to put some more on the sweater, since it quit smelling good, so he went out to his car to douse it in calgon again. Everyone was inside, so I walked outside to wait for him. When he came back, I thanked him, and sat down. He sat down beside me, and put his hand on my leg. It sent CHILLS up my spine for him to touch me.

 

I sat there for a few seconds, then got up and went back inside. He kept looking at me with 'the look' and I kept giving it back to him.

 

He's sooooooooooooo hot.

 

I sat on the couch, and he came over and sat next to me. He touched my arm, and I got that tingling sensation again.

 

I'd forgotten that feeling...I don't think that I've ever felt that with my husband....even when we were first dating.

 

I wanted to do something with him...kiss him or something sooooo bad, but I wouldn't because I was MARRIED:

 

Note, not because I love my husband, but because I was married. Not because I didn't want to hurt my husband, but because I was M-A-R-R-I-E-D!!!

 

 

I was just so attracted to her brother!!!!! When it was time to leave, he walked me out to my vehicle, and I gave him a hug goodbye. He tried to talk me into coming back inside, and talking to him, but I wouldn't. He seemed hurt by it, but rather than do what I wanted to do (go back inside and hang out with him some more) I did what I knew I should do....and left.

 

The farther I got from his house, and the closer I got to mine, the more I regretted hanging out with him at all. The more I remembered my love for my husband.

 

I couldn't believe that I didn't even consider the man I love while hanging out with her brother, but rather the fact that I'm a married woman is what stopped me! I wasn't even thinking about my husband. Had I thought about my husband, I wouldn't have gone anywhere near her brother, but I wasn't thinking about him.

 

This is the only time during my marriage that I've ever wanted someone else. I've always been so content being married to my partner. Even when we were fighting a lot, I never thought about straying.

 

But now, when we're getting along better than ever, I start to be deathly attracted to another man!?!?!?!

 

P.S. Her brother and I had nothing in common. In fact, there was little to no conversation at all...just a lot of flirting. So I wasn't attracted to HIM, just the way he was physically...and I was fully aware of that. So if I did anything with him, it wouldn't be geared towards a relationship, it would be fulfilling a fantasy. Also, what kind of guy flirts with a married woman like that??? :laugh: even though I was flirting back.

 

I feel terrible about this :( I feel terrible that my husband wasn't considered in my decision, but the fact that I WASN'T SUPPOSED to do anything with this guy was.

 

I never pegged myself as a possible cheater, since I've never cheated before...but after Saturday night, I'm very disappointed in myself. I didn't actually do anything, but I wanted to :(

HokeyReligions Established Member

HokeyReligions

Posted
Posted

When you kept telling yourself you were married - you were thinking of your husband. He's part of the equation. Just because you didn't focus on his face or him, doesn't mean you weren't considering him. In your subconscious you were thinking of him.

 

I know what you mean though -- I was in a situation where I could have had an affair. It was a long-term situation, not a party, and in the beginning all I thought was "I'm Married" and not about my husband. I was mad at myself because I thought that the only obstacle between me and the other guy was a marriage liscense. Well, it was - but my husband was attached to the other side of that liscense. I knew it, just didn't put that thought to the forefront of my brain. I didn't realize that I had lumped all of those separate thoughts that we all discuss here (his feelings, vows, etc.) under that one umbrella called 'marriage'. But that is what I did, and what you did. You just didn't think about them separately. ;)

 

I'll bet if your husband flirted with you at a party and didn't have any of your regular conversations - just role-play that you are strangers flirting, you would feel even more excited than with this other guy. :D

 

Don't feel bad. You didn't cheat. You just experienced a new POV and that is a good thing.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

I agree with hokey word for word. You didn't cheat. You enjoyed how he made you feel. Desirable, sexy and turned on! That's it. Thoughts are thoughts okay, and they are your own private thoughts. Yes you flirted back, but you knew in your heart what was the right thing and in the end you listened to your gut! SO don't beat up on yourself over this! Take that experience and put it into your marriage. I Bet things will get better!

tiki Established Member

tiki

Posted
Posted

Ditto. And IMO, the fact that you do feel bad about it, is a good sign. Now go have a love affair with your husband! :)

amer

amer

Posted
Posted

You were too in the danger zone. Don't even try to fool yourself that you were not deliberately going for a lust fix because you were.

 

I don't buy the calgon sweater routine.

 

You wanted to cheat! You pnly pulled back for some odd reason that didn't really involve loyalty to your husband and your vow of marriage.

 

Youj do get brownie points for stopping yourself. However, you should have slapped his hand the second he touched your leg.

 

And as for letting him walk you to your car?

 

Come on!

 

You are so close to cheating it is not funny.

  • Author
FolderWife Established Member

FolderWife

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Thanks for the kind words :o I actually felt a little bit like a hypocrit, because I'm the queen of bashing porn, because I felt like my husband would rather look at porn than me.

 

But when I finally arrived home at 3 in the morning, I found my handsome husband asleep on the couch. I took a shower, and woke him up, and invited him to come to bed. He joined me, and then he started "touching" me. I was already hot and bothered by my fantasies at the party, so we ended up having sex. I felt a little guilty that I'd let another guy be the one to turn me on, and then 'use' my husband like that. Especially since I can't stand the idea of my husband fantasizing about another woman while he's sleeping with me!

 

Is that stupid?

tanbark813 Established Member

tanbark813

Posted
Posted

I'm curious what you would feel if your husband was out at a party until 3am, flirting with a gorgeous woman, letting her touch him, and then came home and had sex with you after being turned on by her.

 

Also, the word is "cologne".

 

:D

HokeyReligions Established Member

HokeyReligions

Posted
Posted

I don't know about Monday, but I was in that situation and thought "whew! whoever she was, she did all the work and I'm reaping the benefits!" :p

 

After all, he came home to ME! I respected him more knowing that he was tempted and resisted.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Again Hokey, Gotta agree with you on that one too. 2 outta 2....lol

amer

amer

Posted
Posted

You actively engaged in sexual flirtation with that guy.

 

so you went home and did your husband.

 

Be honest, as one of the otherr posters mentioned, how would you react if you found out your husband was so amorous towards you one night after a party that it was because some hottie worked him up?

 

You would feel betrayed.

kellydontwanttasleep Established Member

kellydontwanttasleep

Posted
Posted

Monday you did nothing wrong and you are as good as a saint, except without getting sexually harassed or raped by the priests and stuff :D i just don't believe people should be monogamists. but you did a great job of it

amer

amer

Posted
Posted

I think it would be the height of cruelty towards someone you love to become polygamous while they thought they were in a monogamous relationship. Hmm, sounds like cheating to me!

 

The only way it would not be cheating is if beforehand everyone knows the rules of the road.

 

I personlly kow a guy who has two wives. All three are faithful to their "marriage."

 

I don't understand it, but i do understand seld delusion.

 

And anyone out partying and flirting with someone who makes them feel lustful is cheating. Maybe hey haven't done the deed yet, but they are on the path to it and heartbreak for their spouse if they keep it up.

  • Author
FolderWife Established Member

FolderWife

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Honestly, it WOULD break my heart if my husband did something like that behind my back :( I don't really know what got into me. I didn't want to control myself.

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Don't be so hard on yourself. You have acknowlegded (spelling??) right from wrong, felt guilty about it and allowed nothing intimate to happen. And now because of that you won't let it happen again. Put that focus into your marriage and let it go...If you hang on to it, you're going to drive yourself nuts over it and internalize it.

HokeyReligions Established Member

HokeyReligions

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by Monday

Honestly, it WOULD break my heart if my husband did something like that behind my back :( I don't really know what got into me. I didn't want to control myself.

 

But you DID control yourself. You let it go so far, and no farther. Would it really break your heart if your husband came home and said "Hun, the party was fun but there was this chick that kept flirting with me. I flirted back a little just because it was fun at the time. She brushed her hand along my thigh though, and that's when it ended. I love YOU and I remember when you used to do that" nudge nudge into the bedroom (or wherever).

 

I might concede to being a bit jealous that my husband had some stimuli that didn't come from me, but the most important thing would be that he brought his stimulated self home to ME! ;)

kellydontwanttasleep Established Member

kellydontwanttasleep

Posted
Posted

Monday you were very strong and you should feel good about yourself :D you did what you felt was right.

amer

amer

Posted
Posted

The scenario if he did it??

====

 

"Um, dear."

 

"yes squeecums?"

 

"Last night at that party there was this so fine HOT babe coming on to me. let me tell you, I was hard as a rock just thinking about her tits."

 

"Oh how nice for you!"

 

"Well, I just wanted to say After flirting with her all night long, including a thigh squeeze or two, I came home and wanted sex with only you, my love."

 

"Oh gosh, I am so turned on knowing you found her tits that exciting! take me now squucums!"

 

====

 

Um, I don't think so!

 

 

Incidently, you never did tell him, right?

moimeme Established Member

moimeme

Posted
Posted

I don't know about Monday, but I was in that situation and thought "whew! whoever she was, she did all the work and I'm reaping the benefits!"

 

There's a comedian that does a hilarious routine about this. He says he loves it when his wife watches an Antonio Banderas movie because it gets her hot to trot. So, says the guy, "You go, Antonio - you set 'em up and I'll knock 'em down. Run, Antonio, run! Leap, Antonio, leap!" :laugh:

jmargel Established Member

jmargel

Posted
Posted

I agree with amer. This was totally wrong, and if it was a guy posting this inital thread, all the women here would have grilled him.

 

You should NOT be proud of yourself, but ashamed. Apparently you have problems in your marriage and with this type of behavior it's only a matter of time before you do cheat. I would suggest a marriage counselor. It's apparent you two are lacking quite a bit in your marriage. Sounds like you two are just co-existing and you are looking for other ways to fill the voids in your marriage.

moimeme Established Member

moimeme

Posted
Posted

I don't think that there's any need to bash or berate Monday. She found out what married people who try to be 'just friends' with people of the other gender find out - that physical proximity to an attractive person works on your chemistry and starts to muddle with your head. Why? Biology wants us to boink. But we have brains to say 'nope - this is just chemistry talking and I'm getting the hell out of here because I know I love my spouse'.

 

It's why I won't befriend a married guy even if I think he's a wonderful person to know - actually especially if I think he's a wonderful person to know. It's why I don't do the extra-close slow dances when I go to dances. It's why I don't keep a number of fat-inducing foods in the house.

 

It is much smarter, IMHO, to realize that humans will be assailed by all sorts of desires and urges, know that about yourself, and then govern yourself accordingly than to pretend you're above it all. Monday thought her married state would provide some sort of 'invisible shield' against temptation. And found out it doesn't at all. But she still fought off the temptation and went home to her husband - and found out that when she was out of the chemical aura of the guy in question, her head cleared.

 

Good on ya Monday!

tiki Established Member

tiki

Posted
Posted
Originally posted by moimeme

It's why I won't befriend a married guy even if I think he's a wonderful person to know - actually especially if I think he's a wonderful person to know. It's why I don't do the extra-close slow dances when I go to dances. It's why I don't keep a number of fat-inducing foods in the house.

 

I love this! And very well put. Women, take notes here!

DazednConfused Established Member

DazednConfused

Posted
Posted

Hi Monday,

 

Just a couple of thoughts... I personally applaud you're final decision to leave and go home to your husband. I am sure it took alot of fortitude to do that in the face of the urges you felt.

 

I also know it is normal to have urges, as many have so succintly said already, it is a normal chemical reaction.

 

You took them too far.

 

I could go on and say what you should and should not have done, but there really is no point. You know all these things, and don't need us to tell you.

 

In the end, you did the right thing. You should not have allowed yourself into the position in the first place. Please try to keep this in mind when it happens again.

TMCM Established Member

TMCM

Posted
Posted

Monday,

 

I won't berate you but the truth of the matter is that you were flirting with disaster. You got lucky because the reality of being a married woman popped into your head quite a few times. But what if that night you went to the party, you and your H had just gotten into an big argument that left you very upset with him? Do you beleive that you would have been as lucky in resisting Mr Hot?.

 

I highly recomend that you read Preventing Affairs by Peggy Vaughan otherwise any further reliance on luck on your part is tantamount to risking everything you and your H worked so hard and hold dear on a single throw of the dice.

 

 

I wish you the best

bulldoggirl Member

bulldoggirl

Posted
Posted

Monday, I know how you feel!!!! DH & I have a mutual friend who is the sexiest guy I have ever known (after my DH of course). He's doesn't have "model" good looks or anything, but he just ooozes sex. I look at him & automatically think "sex, sex, sex". And he flirts with me, big time. And it's always very sexual comments. As much as I hate to say it, he can always give me an ego boost.

 

 

I too had a "late night" like you had almost a year ago with this guy. I have been horribly attracted to him for awhile, and one night last fall I was at a bar with him & another guy & girl (I was the designated driver). Well sexy guy & I left together and ended up driving around all night, until 4 am. Nothing happened. And honestly, I didn't want anything to happen. It was weird, I had been terribly attracted to him for a few months, and we were never alone together until that one night, and that night all I could think about was how badly it would hurt DH if anything happened. We just talked that night, and he said a few things like "why didn't we get to know each other before you got married??" (we went to high school together) it made me crazy, because I really liked him, but at the same time I KNEW that he was not someone that could make me happier than my DH does.

I will never forget how guilty I felt when I got home at 4am and DH asked me where I'd been. He knew I was the DD that night, but I NEVER get home that late. I told him that **** and I had been driving around, and I did not lie, but I still felt horrible about being out all night, alone with this guy that I was very attracted to.

 

But as I said, when he & I were together that night, I didn't even WANT anything to happen between us, because like you, I'm M-A-R-R-I-E-D! :rolleyes: so I just want you to know that you're not alone!! And you did the right thing by going home, and not staying at that party!

 

One other thing, some posters mentioned that men & women should not be friends when one or both is married....I have several male friends that I have known since before DH & I even started dating. These guys are like brothers to me, and we can't even mention sex to each other because we're like "Ewww, gross, I don't want to think about my friend having sex!!" because it is such a brother/sister relationship! So not all male/female friendships end up sexual but that's just my experience with my guys!

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...