crimsoncurrent Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 After nearly three weeks of NC, with me having my fb deactivated, I'm wondering if I should know whether my ex is dating anyone else already. I've been struggling with this question for the last couple of days. This is how my thought process goes: If I find out my ex is dating someone else, of course it'll been painful, but would it help me in the long run with accepting the relationship is over and to move on, or should I just spare myself the pain of knowing she's with someone else, willfully making myself ignorant of what's going on in her life? I'd appreciate any insight to this question.
FailedFirstLove Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 After nearly three weeks of NC, with me having my fb deactivated, I'm wondering if I should know whether my ex is dating anyone else already. I've been struggling with this question for the last couple of days. This is how my thought process goes: If I find out my ex is dating someone else, of course it'll been painful, but would it help me in the long run with accepting the relationship is over and to move on, or should I just spare myself the pain of knowing she's with someone else, willfully making myself ignorant of what's going on in her life? I'd appreciate any insight to this question. I don't think you should until your ready with whatever the outcome is... so you won't feel anything whether she is or not. 1
cavalier99 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I know you think you want to know but you really don't want to know. Assume the EX is in an a new relationship super happy and has a baby. Problem solved. Sorry. These things aren't easy. Don't break NC you'll regret it no matter what info you glean. Cav 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I don't think you should until your ready with whatever the outcome is... so you won't feel anything whether she is or not. Yeah, I think you're right. At times, the curiosity just kills me. But, last time I checked fb, which was over two years ago, I want a post from her, saying that she had a wonderful birthday, and that made me terrible. Thanks for the advice.
TaraMaiden Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 After nearly three weeks of NC, with me having my fb deactivated, I'm wondering if I should know whether my ex is dating anyone else already. I've been struggling with this question for the last couple of days. This is how my thought process goes: If I find out my ex is dating someone else, of course it'll been painful, but would it help me in the long run with accepting the relationship is over and to move on, or should I just spare myself the pain of knowing she's with someone else, willfully making myself ignorant of what's going on in her life? I'd appreciate any insight to this question. Isn't knowing the relationship is over, sufficient for you to accept that the relationship is over? You've been in NC for 3 weeks. Trust me on this: If your ex- was in any way shape or form intending to rekindle anything between you two, she would have found a way of telling you that. Read the Guide in my signature. That will help. But re-establishing contact is a no-no, and doing it to find out info on your ex, is setting yourself up for a nasty fall. 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I know you think you want to know but you really don't want to know. Assume the EX is in an a new relationship super happy and has a baby. Problem solved. Sorry. These things aren't easy. Don't break NC you'll regret it no matter what info you glean. Cav From your experience, after times passes, and say the ex is dating someone else, will it be easier for me to accept? I just don't want to find out several months later and go back to square one with getting over her emotionally.
na49 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I struggle with that too at times. I haven't checked in like 3 months but I'm dying to know if she's dating someone. I checked her twitter and her twitter picture was of just her. There were no tweets about anyone in particular so I assume she's single. but then she was retweeting everything the guy she cheated on me with wrote. So I don't know. To check or not? I feel like you do. If I see her dating someone else, I'll know it's over. Seeing her and another guy would just kill me though... 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I just read your first thread - to which incidentally, there were 260 views, but no replies (That's generally because basically, everyone believes that what happened is probably for the best) and yup. No question. you really DO need to stay No Contact. Indubitably. 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Isn't knowing the relationship is over, sufficient for you to accept that the relationship is over? You've been in NC for 3 weeks. Trust me on this: If your ex- was in any way shape or form intending to rekindle anything between you two, she would have found a way of telling you that. Read the Guide in my signature. That will help. But re-establishing contact is a no-no, and doing it to find out info on your ex, is setting yourself up for a nasty fall. Thanks for the advice, Tara. Someone else actually gave me the same response, basically telling me I'm holding on to the relationship (which is non-existent) by wanting to know what's going on in her life. My friend also told me I have no right to know. Again, thanks. Just another confirmation that I need to continue NC.
FailedFirstLove Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 From your experience, after times passes, and say the ex is dating someone else, will it be easier for me to accept? I just don't want to find out several months later and go back to square one with getting over her emotionally. Does that mean in a few months time you still hope to get back with her? 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I struggle with that too at times. I haven't checked in like 3 months but I'm dying to know if she's dating someone. I checked her twitter and her twitter picture was of just her. There were no tweets about anyone in particular so I assume she's single. but then she was retweeting everything the guy she cheated on me with wrote. So I don't know. To check or not? I feel like you do. If I see her dating someone else, I'll know it's over. Seeing her and another guy would just kill me though... Knowing me, I'm sure I would have the same response if I knew, but like you've explained, the curiosity is so intense.
cavalier99 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 From your experience, after times passes, and say the ex is dating someone else, will it be easier for me to accept? I just don't want to find out several months later and go back to square one with getting over her emotionally. I knew my ex was trying with a new guy. Reason she dumped me. But because I've been NC about 4 month i really don't know anything. She could still be with him, maybe it didn't work out, maybe they are engaged and she is pregnant. Maybe she is dating new guys. Maybe she is single and regretting dumping me..doubt it? Who knows..i just consider myself ancient history No clue and i like it that way now. I just assume she is gone forever and am slowly and am accepting she isn't part of my life and never will be part of it again. Believe me it is better this way. This has been super painful but things are MUCH better than early on. The point is she is gone. I guess the most helpful thing is to assume she is happy with some one else now. Seems to make it somewhat easier not to want to break NC and keep the focus on me and getting 100 indifferent. Cav 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I knew my ex was trying with a new guy. Reason she dumped me. But because I've been NC about 4 month i really don't know anything. She could still be with him, maybe it didn't work out, maybe they are engaged and she is pregnant. Maybe she is dating new guys. Maybe she is single and regretting dumping me..doubt it? Who knows..i just consider myself ancient history No clue and i like it that way now. I just assume she is gone forever and am slowly and am accepting she isn't part of my life and never will be part of it again. Believe me it is better this way. This has been super painful but things are MUCH better than early on. The point is she is gone. I guess the most helpful thing is to assume she is happy with some one else now. Seems to make it somewhat easier not to want to break NC and keep the focus on me and getting 100 indifferent. Cav Sounds like the feeling of estrangement is actually helping you. I'm certainly not there yet. Right now, while in NC, it almost seems unreal that there is no contact, like she's becoming a stranger to me. After nearly four years, it's an odd feeling. Anyway, thanks again for your insight.
Author crimsoncurrent Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Does that mean in a few months time you still hope to get back with her? Wow, I actually never thought of it from that perspective! Assuming I do find out several months from now and it effects me that traumatically, I guess, subconsciously, I was hoping to get her back. Thank you for such a thought-provoking question. That's something I'm going to ruminate over.
FailedFirstLove Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Wow, I actually never thought of it from that perspective! Assuming I do find out several months from now and it effects me that traumatically, I guess, subconsciously, I was hoping to get her back. Thank you for such a thought-provoking question. That's something I'm going to ruminate over. I think deep down we all hope for that. Even when reality hits us that there gone we hope that the in time they will come back. I don't know if that is possible cause it just hasn't happened to me. But if you can move on then it is probably best. It protects yourself from getting hurt. I'm trying to force myself to move on but it's just not getting where. Deep down ill always feel like I want him to want to come back 1
Author crimsoncurrent Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I think deep down we all hope for that. Even when reality hits us that there gone we hope that the in time they will come back. I don't know if that is possible cause it just hasn't happened to me. But if you can move on then it is probably best. It protects yourself from getting hurt. I'm trying to force myself to move on but it's just not getting where. Deep down ill always feel like I want him to want to come back I'm sorry you're hurting as well. How along are you with NC?
cavalier99 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) Sounds like the feeling of estrangement is actually helping you. I'm certainly not there yet. Right now, while in NC, it almost seems unreal that there is no contact, like she's becoming a stranger to me. After nearly four years, it's an odd feeling. Anyway, thanks again for your insight. Your still really early on. I think i was certifiably insane at moments the 1st month. What you need to know is NC is the most important thing. The ultimate goal however is complete indifference. I'm not there yet but well on my way. I guess that while in NC you have a different perspective as time goes on. Early on it seems to be pure self preservation and maintaining self respect after losing it in the breakup. After a month or so seemed to transition to a sort of competition (in my mind) to better myself to show her how great I'm doing in the imaginary scenario we run into each other. This still goes on to an extent. Recently it seems to be transitioning to the true reality of it being TRULY TRULY over (even though i knew that from day 1) and that I'm not really even going to see her again and this recovery is for me...no more fantasies. Does that make sense? I've always said IT IS OVER but my brain is catching up and accepting the reality and it is ok. Now this is a simplification and emotions have swung wildly at times and everything hasn't been linear. But the pain is subsiding a lot and I'm thinking a lot more logically rather than emotionally and can really feel the distance and progress I've made compared to early on. Be prepared for set backs, feeling like you doing well, then all of the sudden not..emotional roller coaster..major urges to contact ect. If you stay NC you'll be ok. NC will get you there. You'll be fine bro. You just have to slug it out. Edited February 2, 2013 by cavalier99 2
Author crimsoncurrent Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Your still really early on. What you need to know is NC is the most important thing. The ultimate goal however is complete indifference. I'm not there yet but well on my way. I guess that while in NC you have a different perspective as time goes on. Early on it seems to be pure self preservation and maintaining self respect after losing it in the breakup. After a month or so seemed to transition to a sort of competition (in my mind) to better myself to show her how great I'm doing in the imaginary scenario we run into each other. This still goes on to an extent. Recently it seems to be transitioning to the true reality of it being TRULY TRULY over (even though i knew that from day 1) and that I'm not really even going to see her again and this recovery is for me...no more fantasies. Does that make sense? I've always said IT IS OVER but my brain is catching up and accepting the reality and it is ok. Now this is a simplification and emotions have swung wildly at times and everything hasn't been linear. But the pain is subsiding a lot and I'm thinking a lot more logically rather than emotionally and can really feel the distance and progress I've made compared to early on. NC will get you there. You'll be fine bro. You just have to slug it out. I'm glad to hear you're recovering. The thought of it sounds desirable and encouraging. I struggle with fantasy scenarios also, especially the thought of us running into one another in the future. Thanks for all the encouragement, man. I'll definitely look forward to seeing you in the threads. 1
FailedFirstLove Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I'm sorry you're hurting as well. How along are you with NC? I was Nc non stop for a month... Then I tried being friends. Now I'm tryin to start again but it's just hard. Right now I'm just thinking if he doesn't contact then I won't. Cause I know he won't contact unless I do
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