mewyamah Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 So I have been dating this guy for over a month now but I keep having the impression that it might be better to escape now because I believe I've been sabotaging the relationship from the start. Because I've felt really attracted to this person we had s** on the 5th date and thus I always felt unsure as to what my status is in this relationship if we're bf&gf or FWB. I can't bring myself to asking such a question because if I do I only see two possible scenarios: 1. we were only fwb but now the person thinks that i'm trying to pressure them into more or 2. we were in a relationship but my inability to realize this might hurt the person. It's all been great until a couple of days ago he told me something about one of his ex-girlfriends asking him to help her out with something. It bothered me but I didn't say anything about it because being jealous without proof is something I believe is silly. Anyhow, the next day after we had s** he starts telling me about some ex of his who wanted to wait for a year before the relationship got physical. And at this point in my mind I was very upset because mentioning another person after s** doesn't seem like the most flattering gesture. I just went silent for a moment trying to figure out if this person is simply oblivious(or doesn't think it should be an issue) or is still interested in his ex. And he was also slightly upset about my silence saying I'm acting passive-aggressive. This experience has got me thinking about myself and wonder whether I should perhaps avoid relationships if I don't have the emotional maturity to confront my problems. I have low self-esteem and act passive-aggressive because I can't gather enough courage to speak up my mind when anything is bothering me. But I'm mostly afraid I'm going to end up crying because of all the the unrelated pent-up aggression I've collected so far when I do manage to express myself. To make matters worse I'm also very prideful and I'd hate it if I felt like I was taken for granted in a relationship. This leads me to act in a rather self-destructive manner: whenever my insecurities regarding the stability of the relationship pop-up I pretend I'm carefree and that I'm completely indifferent to my partner's actions. I'm afraid now that I got myself into a relationship without being qualified for one and I'm sure that my inability to discuss my inner-feelings with anyone(I'm scared of looking vulnerable in front of family,friends,etc) will cripple me for the rest of my life. Sorry for the long post what I wanted to ask was if my thoughts about the ex thing have any basis and secondly if you believe that leaving the relationship and avoiding future ones would be the best course of action since I realize that I'll be unable to act like a mature human being when issues arise. I just feel very bad about this because even if my jealousy had any basis it must feel bad when you're getting a cold shoulder without knowing why. It's been very confusing because I kept telling myself to stay within boundaries and even if I felt bad about giving the silent treatment I was too prideful to voice out and admit to being wrong. Looking back at my actions I feel so ashamed of the way I act and think in those moments that I just realize being in a relationship with me must be torture .
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 It's ok to say 'sex'. Three words: Ther- a- py. You're obviously very articulate because you write well, and have a firm grasp of the issues you say are clouding your judgement and 'qualification' for being in a relationship. I've honestly never seen it put that way before. I'm thinking that you over-think things, but if you were to see a therapist, it might be easier for you to untangle the issues you perceive. I say 'you perceive' because unless you have tried to tackle this by seeing a professional about this before, it's highly feasible that you might be exaggerating the issue, with only your viewpoint available, to try to rationalise things. It's very difficult to see the wood for the trees when you're struggling in the undergrowth. Talk to someone - things may not be as complicated as you 'paint' them. 1
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