loredo21 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I know most affairs start in the workplace. Doesn't surprise me. Quick backstory I had a short A with my M boss. Have been NC for six months since his W find out on DDay. Here is my dilemma. Without giving away too much personal info....We both work in the wedding industry. (I know how sick, depraved, disgusting, immoral, etc. etc.) I get the "wrongness" of everything that happened. Anyhoo. We live in a rather big city, but a "small town" if ya know what I mean. It gets smaller everyday. Everyone seems to know someone who knows someone....ugh. I thought post affair that I would never be able to show my face in the industry again. Am even in school studying something completely different. BUT after working on a project yesterday I had this huge gush of motivation and just want to get back out there. I LOVE the wedding industry. Part of my heart is in it. Now I do LOVE what I am in school for currently as well and know I will be really good at it. So at least there is somewhat of a plan b. Only a handful of people know of the A. And I honestly don't know if anyone's been talking. I am afraid that if I get back into it exMOM's W will hunt me down and tell everyone in the industry that i played a role in an EMA. I know I should have thought of that. blah blah blah. But why does it only seem like I will get my name smeared in the mud while he goes on his merry way with his thriving business? He should be treated the same as me as part of the A but I know he won't. And believe me the chances of us running into eachother will be quite high. I dunno. Should I just move on from this industry all together? Anyone had experience losing a job or having to change careers because of an A?
whichwayisup Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I am afraid that if I get back into it exMOM's W will hunt me down and tell everyone in the industry that i played a role in an EMA. I know I should have thought of that. blah blah blah. But why does it only seem like I will get my name smeared in the mud while he goes on his merry way with his thriving business? He should be treated the same as me as part of the A but I know he won't. And believe me the chances of us running into eachother will be quite high. I dunno. Should I just move on from this industry all together? Worrying about something that may or may not happen isn't good. You don't know for sure she'll start something up and spread gossip. If she does, she has to know that someone will 'know' some details and it'll come out her husband was the one you had the A with. But, if it happens, own it! Say yes I made a big mistake, one I deeply regret but life goes on. Rise above it. Plus, remember, gossip only lasts a certain amount of time before people get sick of hearing about it or until the thing to gossip about comes along. Unfortunately in the world, sometimes the AP (OW/OM) seem to be judged much harsher than the married person cheating. Good luck and do just enjoy your job! You sound happy about it! 1
eleanorrigby Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) If you love the industry and are good at it, I would suggest packing it up to a different area and starting again. I do think if word gets around, it may have a negative affect on your business. If I were getting married and someone mentioned that my wedding planner had been in an affair, I'd seek out another one. I'm superstitious like that and just wouldn't want to "split that pole" or "step on that crack". Silly.. but I would still be apprehensive. And even if I got over the superstitions, I'd just hate to have your situation in the back of my mind as we were planning the wedding. (ETA: I wouldn't bother moving the business if it were in a big city.. but small towns are different. I'm living in one for the first time in my life for the last 4 years and it's so different) Edited February 1, 2013 by eleanorrigby 2
Realist3 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Ihave heardof changing jobs, but not careers. I know what you mean about a big city, but small town thing. You can't control what people will talk about. And they can't talk about the same thing forever. If the A is discussed it will have a relatively short lifespan; people will get over it if you are good at what you do. Sure it may sting a bit in the beginning, but it also presents opportunities. You would be surprised how human failings can actually lead to goodwill from others. 1
Author loredo21 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Yeah my guess is Brides and Affairs aren't exactly a winning combination. blergh. i'm so stupid.
Author loredo21 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Ihave heardof changing jobs, but not careers. I know what you mean about a big city, but small town thing. You can't control what people will talk about. And they can't talk about the same thing forever. If the A is discussed it will have a relatively short lifespan; people will get over it if you are good at what you do. Sure it may sting a bit in the beginning, but it also presents opportunities. You would be surprised how human failings can actually lead to goodwill from others. god i hope you're right. i tell ya, all of my refocused energy made my project yesterday pretty kick-ass!
Realist3 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Yeah my guess is Brides and Affairs aren't exactly a winning combination. blergh. i'm so stupid. You aren't their mariage counselor, you are their wedding planner.
underwater2010 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I would stay away from the wedding industries since that is where you AP resides. I am not surprised that you would be outed and treated like crap, as yes it is a double stardard on the part of other people if they don't treat him the same. For me personally, I would black list both of you from any part of my wedding if I were to find out you both were involved in an affair. No I have never changed my career because of an affair, but I have changed it to relocate for my FWH.
Got it Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I would look into legal action if she were to do that, it is harassing. I am in the mists of planning a wedding. I care that my wedding planner can execute, has good relationship with vendors, and other brides speak highly of her skillset. I have never once thought of, or showed interest in, her personal life. It has nothing to do with her quality of work. 2
2sure Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 If he isn't your boss anymore....and because he was at the time...I would think anything his wife says would look professionally worse for her husband than her. And sure, the wedding industry has to sell an image that the cost is one kind of investment in forever....but each person in the industry has to protect that fantasy from reality ...nobody is going to want to be the messenger of that bad vibe to a bride. Just deny any accusations, he will look like a pig. 3
Pierre Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I know most affairs start in the workplace. Doesn't surprise me. Quick backstory I had a short A with my M boss. Have been NC for six months since his W find out on DDay. Here is my dilemma. Without giving away too much personal info....We both work in the wedding industry. (I know how sick, depraved, disgusting, immoral, etc. etc.) I get the "wrongness" of everything that happened. Anyhoo. We live in a rather big city, but a "small town" if ya know what I mean. It gets smaller everyday. Everyone seems to know someone who knows someone....ugh. I thought post affair that I would never be able to show my face in the industry again. Am even in school studying something completely different. BUT after working on a project yesterday I had this huge gush of motivation and just want to get back out there. I LOVE the wedding industry. Part of my heart is in it. Now I do LOVE what I am in school for currently as well and know I will be really good at it. So at least there is somewhat of a plan b. Only a handful of people know of the A. And I honestly don't know if anyone's been talking. I am afraid that if I get back into it exMOM's W will hunt me down and tell everyone in the industry that i played a role in an EMA. I know I should have thought of that. blah blah blah. But why does it only seem like I will get my name smeared in the mud while he goes on his merry way with his thriving business? He should be treated the same as me as part of the A but I know he won't. And believe me the chances of us running into eachother will be quite high. I dunno. Should I just move on from this industry all together? Anyone had experience losing a job or having to change careers because of an A? Affairs in the workplace generally lead to unemployment to one of the participants. It is too bad, but that is how it works. If you were in a private business there is nothing you can do.
LFH Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Despite what you may hear, people have short attention spans and once a flash of gossip is over, it's not necessarily going to stay impacting long term. If you love it, do it. You should do what you love. If it blows up, you put on your big girl shoes and then you decide if you need a different career or a change of address. 5
ThatJustHappened Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Despite what you may hear, people have short attention spans and once a flash of gossip is over, it's not necessarily going to stay impacting long term. If you love it, do it. You should do what you love. If it blows up, you put on your big girl shoes and then you decide if you need a different career or a change of address. I agree with this. Most brides are far too self-involved to pay much attention to their wedding planner's personal life. I wouldn't worry too much about it unless someone else brings it up first. Oh..and don't do it again and open yourself up to more gossip and speculation. Stick with single men..it'll make your life a lot easier. 1
Author loredo21 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I think i'm gonna stick with it....(I'm not a wedding planner though), i think someone used that as an example in the 1st comment and everyone assumed i was. I would be working closely with the bride for a period of time though. And hope that my quality of work shines through more than my past. I made a mistake. I did. But I think pushing through the adversity will make me a stronger person both professionally and in general day to day life. I'm not there to steal anyone's husband. But it's been hard enough being in this industry and being an attractive person, now I'm not only attractive, but I'm a husband stealer. Hopefully nothing comes of it. I do agree with another poster that the fact that he is in the industry and the likelihood of us being at the same venue is very high. That really scares me. But I can't hide forever. My daughter will be in his W school in 2 years anyways. BS will possibly be her teacher. We are going to have to get through this eventually. And hopefully we can do it as dignified as possible. 1
spice4life Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) Yikes. Your daughter may end up in BS' class? I don't think that is a good idea. It has the potential to be very damaging for both. You have a duty as a mother to protect your child and you should intercede and make sure this does not happen. Through no fault of her own, the BS may not be able to keep herself from passive agressively taking out her pain on your daughter. (This is not an attack on the BS so please relax...its a potential reality) Have you thought about moving or putting your daughter in a private school? It's something you should consider in the best interests of all concerned. Not trying to be harsh here at all. Its just that the situation could be a potential disaster. Edited February 2, 2013 by spice4life 1
Ladybugz Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 HAhhahha i would say you should have think about that instead of going after your what your va ya ya is telling you to do. And maybe this is your pay back. You know people will keep liking him, and they will talk bad about you. Its just the stupid way it is. And i guess he most be suffering somehow about his actions. I dont know what kind of wedding stuff you do but people may think like i dont go to her cause she have a bad name of taking peoples husband. Like you go there for planning your marriage and you go back home single. And i think its gonna be a mess if you did not learn your lesson and mess with someones husband of bf again. Marriage is such a sensitive thing . especially in combination with wedding planning and cheating. cause thats one of those things that ends a marriage often. its kind of trusting a accounted that rubbed a bank before. if your business live from having connections with people out there you should think very well about it. cause it may give you hard time.
Author loredo21 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Ok then. You know the score. But the BS having to teach your daughter??? That's rough. I would give her a heads up and suggest she opts NOT to have her in class. That would be horrible for her, I can't imagine that. Please don't do that to her, cooperate in avoiding it. I will never understand the "we're just going to have to be mature and rub shoulders" approach. Remember she's the one who had no choice, to her it will seem like you saying "I had my fun but now I'm done you have to just suck it up and put up with me at PTA." If I were she I'd be switching schools or hoping you did. OMG that would be awful. I've been supportive Loredo and I know you mean well so I assume you just haven't internalized how awful that would be? No I agree with you. (sorry I know we are getting off topic a bit). I have thought about it. But probably not at the extend I should be because it is still 2 years away. I don't want things to be horrible for BS or my daughter. I am so nervous to step foot in that school. There are a couple of reasons changing schools will be difficult. 1. it is literally a stones throw away from our house. They are currently rebuilding it and it is amazing! 2.There is a lot of history there for my H. and 3. it is ranked one of the best schools in the country. we are having a hard time even putting our daughter into public schools because every other school in our district are terrible schools. lots of problems i won't get into. It's like H's dream for her to go to this school. Even after A...He still wants her to go there. I guess I don't really know how to get around it. I think for sure i need to coordinate that she not be my daughter's teacher and keep my distance from the school for any possible run-ins. I'm very torn with uprooting my whole life and all of our plans because of this stupid A. I know it will be with us forever wherever we go. I'm hoping we can all be civil enough to heal and move forward. NOT saying we're all gonna be best buddies. god. no. Just that if we need to be in the same space, no reason to make it more awkward and difficult than it already is.
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I think i'm gonna stick with it....(I'm not a wedding planner though), i think someone used that as an example in the 1st comment and everyone assumed i was. I would be working closely with the bride for a period of time though. And hope that my quality of work shines through more than my past. I made a mistake. I did. But I think pushing through the adversity will make me a stronger person both professionally and in general day to day life. I'm not there to steal anyone's husband. But it's been hard enough being in this industry and being an attractive person, now I'm not only attractive, but I'm a husband stealer. Hopefully nothing comes of it. I do agree with another poster that the fact that he is in the industry and the likelihood of us being at the same venue is very high. That really scares me. But I can't hide forever. My daughter will be in his W school in 2 years anyways. BS will possibly be her teacher. We are going to have to get through this eventually. And hopefully we can do it as dignified as possible. Pick a different school. I'm sure there are others your daughter can go to.
LFH Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 When you make her schedule or assist with it for her 1st year there, simply let the guidance office know that due to past personal issues, it would be a conflict of interest to have your daughter in her class. There may be a small flare of gossip, but teachers do try and keep that away from students. I agree that the BS may not be able to separate her feelings and it could impact your daughters grades, additionally, it's unnecessarily cruel to do to the BS as well. It's just better all around to handle it quietly and sensitively before it ever becomes an issue. If she coudln't possibly be there before the 2nd year, then make sure the first day it's already a non-issue. 1
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Sorry tried to edit my post, I read that it may not be possible for your daughter to go to another school... Not going to be easy, but I guess it's something you all will deal with when the time comes 2 years from now. Does your H know about the affair?
wisernow Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I'm sorry about the school but it's a fact that there will be NO healing for her until there is complete Nc with you. If it wascsocinprotant you gosh oils have thought of that. I don't believe it's the only good school but I know people do buy those ideas. I don't think the BS will let it affect her teaching - for one thing she has the moral high ground, she wont easily let it go. And she would have professional consequences if she did which is unfair as she's the innocent party being forced to put up with this. But I do think that it will be impossible to deal with you without doing her major psych damage. She may have a breakdown. She may resign. She will just continue to have to suck it up so everyone else is protected. The injustice incenses me. Please reconsider. And at least go check out SI. Huh? You lost me here. 1
Author loredo21 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 yes, H knows of the A. schooling. one of the many topics to be brought up in MC. thanks guys!
woinlove Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 yes, H knows of the A. schooling. one of the many topics to be brought up in MC. thanks guys! Good idea. Make sure your MC gets sufficient info to help you sort this out. Reading here about women were who betrayed while they had a young baby at home to care for (sadly, this seems so common) it must be a incredibly difficult path to heal from such a betrayal. Your daughter would likely be a trigger of all that pain, even though the BW may try her very best.
Got it Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 HAhhahha i would say you should have think about that instead of going after your what your va ya ya is telling you to do. And maybe this is your pay back. You know people will keep liking him, and they will talk bad about you. Its just the stupid way it is. And i guess he most be suffering somehow about his actions. I dont know what kind of wedding stuff you do but people may think like i dont go to her cause she have a bad name of taking peoples husband. Like you go there for planning your marriage and you go back home single. And i think its gonna be a mess if you did not learn your lesson and mess with someones husband of bf again. Marriage is such a sensitive thing . especially in combination with wedding planning and cheating. cause thats one of those things that ends a marriage often. its kind of trusting a accounted that rubbed a bank before. if your business live from having connections with people out there you should think very well about it. cause it may give you hard time. I'm sorry . . . . what!?! 1
Author loredo21 Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Good idea. Make sure your MC gets sufficient info to help you sort this out. Reading here about women were who betrayed while they had a young baby at home to care for (sadly, this seems so common) it must be a incredibly difficult path to heal from such a betrayal. Your daughter would likely be a trigger of all that pain, even though the BW may try her very best. The BW in my case did have a small child at home she was taking care of. It is going to take a hell of a lot of IC and soul searching for me to understand how i could do that to another woman. Someone who was probably just trying to be the best wife and mother she could be. I know H forgives me but I'm not sure I will every forgive myself. I wish I could give her a hug...
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