Implications of a dare?

[Tentacula]

Ok, I am new here, thanks for taking your time.

 

 

First the basic story.

 

My girlfriend (18~) of only a bit more than a year has recently met new people from her school over a skiing trip - and has found a lot of new friends there. She is now fitting the cliché of being on a kind of "social high" like, "They are ALL SOOOO NICE!! I can't belieeeeeve how nice they are! We are already like a family...."

I could go on. Forever.

I for myself have known a few people in that group and I know that some of them are not at ALL nice people. But hey, everybody has a phase. If she is happy, that's enough for me.

 

Anyway, because of peer-pressure in this group, she kissed a guy AND a girl "of her choice" because one other guy dared her to. That's all there is to it. She and him were playing a game of making each others do dares. Eh.

 

Now she was very upfront about it, telling me immediatly after coming home to me. She also told me that it was only like a half-kiss, half mouth half cheek and meant nothing.

 

Yet, after that, she told me I was the "better kisser". How can she know how good of a kisser that guy is when she hasn't properly kissed him?

 

But okay.

 

 

Now, I know the guy and, while he is rather popular, I also know me and my girlfriend. He is no competition whatsoever. Jealousy is not the problem.

 

My problem is that she knew I would at least strongly dislike her kissing somebody else (obviously...). And since most people in that group know me, everybody knew that she acted against the "rule" of a standard relationship - which is that you are exclusive.

 

Now it's important to know that she and I are absolutely amazing together. We are very very different from each other in our social lives and other things which has (because she is "partying" and I am rather "having drinks with my buds") lead to tension before but we are also great at talking about it and feeling at peace with each other.

 

Yet she knew I was going to be hurt in turn for her "fitting" into that group. Being cool in that moment.

 

 

Is it wrong to think that she traded my feelings for appearing "cool" in a "he can't tell me what to do"-kind of way?

 

How should I feel about her planning to go away with people from that group for a 10-day trip? (or about generally her meeting with them and getting drunk)

 

Should I be very mad, should I give the weird part with "you are a better kisser" meaning?

 

My heart and head hurts and I know we are young and whatnot, but please treat this just as seriously as you would like your problems.

 

Thanks for your time

Edited February 1, 2013 by Tentacula

[loversquarrel]

You two are young. I know its not what you want to hear, but it is a major factor. She is getting out and enjoying herself with other people, and flirting with new guys. I don't think I would be comfortable with the idea of her going away on a trip with that group, but what are you going to do? You can't control her, but you can tell her how you feel. I honestly see a break on the horizon, but at your age it happens more often than not.

[KungFuJoe]

Tough call dude, but remember, it's all about the "intentions"

 

Example:

 

First time I ever went to a club (I went with friends and NOT my gf who stayed home), this girl that I had just met (was a friend of a friend) started totally grinding me on the dance floor. I was just nervous as hell being out there for the first time in my life so I just "went with it". I wasn't horny for the chick or thinking about having sex with her...I was trying to learn how to dance and this girl was "teaching" me. The next day, when my gf asked, I told her exactly what happened. She was pissed, and understandably so. She wasn't comfortable with that.

 

Fast forward to current relationship. I go to strip clubs, get lap dances, touch stripper's boobs, ass, even sucked on some titties. My wife knows...and she's cool with it. She would NOT like it if I kissed the stripper or she touched my penis and that's where the line is drawn...actually, even if she WAS ok with it, I would draw the same line.

 

And I think that's what matters...is that YOUR line and your SO's line be the drawn at the same point.

[GSB81]

Go with your gut, kid. You sound smart, your feelings on this matter are valid. I suspect you will be coming in second place to this group quite a bit. I'm gonna help you out a little right now. I TRIPPLE DOG DARE you to kiss some random girl. Tell your girlfriend after it. Don't worry, it's okay because I dared you and I'm really nice. In fact, you and I are already like family.

[Talak7]

[quote=Tentacula;4574590

My problem is that she knew I would at least strongly dislike her kissing somebody else (obviously...). And since most people in that group know me, everybody knew that she acted against the "rule" of a standard relationship - which is that you are exclusive.

 

This...is a very good observation and pretty much what I would've said if you didn't....

 

 

You're doing it right...in a way. You set boundaries, and you leave them open for people to cross.

But you need to know that they are not allowed to cross lines / boundaries. That's not acceptable AT ALL.

 

You need to have a serious (polite/calm) talk with her. Explain that despite the kiss meaning "nothing", she and they have shown you a ton of disrespect for your relationship. She has hurt you in a way - and she can't be mad for hurting you. Your feelings are your own and you are who you are - if she's mad, she's just trying to justify her own actions (mad@you = I didn't do anything wrong!!"). Well, maybe the kiss meant nothing, but what was wrong was the whole idea in the first place. YOU are not comfortable with that, and YOU are not comfortable with them. You'd love to continue dating and being friends, but you won't tolerate non-sense in your love-life because you're better than that.

 

If you let someone walk all over you, they will. They won't try to - they just WILL because they react to your own reactions.

 

but....at 18. I can say...uh...things probably won't work out. Sorry it's just...statistically speaking and in these kind of events at age 18...

[Tentacula]

@Just_A_Poster:

I'm sorry for not writing actively, but I have been here every day.

I feel none of the posts are really prompting me to answer since there, the only question asked towards me was a rhetorical one.

 

That said, I very much appreciate the answers given to me by all of you, the triple dog dare cracked me up

 

Anywayy.

 

For whoever is interested enough where I am atm:

My girlfriend did not acknowledge anything she did for some time.

She seemed to try to pretend that nothing was wrong and that made it very difficult to be near her.

 

When she didn't say anything the third morning after her... uh... "screw-up"

and asked me if I wanted to come over to hers later, I told her that we needed to have a break and she can talk to me again, when she thinks I am important enough for her to deal with all that ****, which sucked in that moment but in retrospect was the only thing I could have done to save this.

 

That same evening she called me and met me somewhere near my house, gave me a letter and a box (turns out with ~15 coupons a la "one xxl backrub" , "one time going past a shop I really want into" etc. and ending with "one never taking you for granted ever").

 

The letter contained an apology that was pretty much what every guy would hope for in my situation. It showed a ton of reflection, that she knew it wasn't really about the kiss and also that she knew what she might lose because of it.

 

I still don't really believe that our relationship can ever be like before but then again, two years ago I didn't believe that there would be a relationship at all.

 

I can touch her again without feeling "cheap" and we can talk normally.

Kissing is still weird. Also she is - as far as I know - still going to that trip, albeit with only 4 other people, and there I trust most of them.

[Talak7]

Seems like it went fairly well.

Glad to hear it.

That seems like a very nice apology. The fact that she didn't get mad or defensive and instead focused on reflecting why her actions would make you feel that way lends her credibility.

 

If she's earnestly trying, remember to be firm- but also leave it in te past. Do not hold this over her head or use it in future fights!!

 

 

Good luck