Fryderyk_Franciszek Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 So I have been broken up with my Ex for about 1 month now. We have been talking some throughout this month and have recently gone NC as of last week. I understood and thought it was a good idea for both of us. However, earlier this week my mom told me that my ex has a family member who is dying. That really struck me and made me sad that I couldn't be there for her. I mean, when we broke up, it wasn't one of those bad break ups....it was the wrong time and place and too many mistakes on my part. Well, ever since my mom told me that this has been on my mind all week. Last night I woke up because I had a dream that my ex killed herself. I know she would never do that, but I saw my ex's body hanging from the ceiling and it crushed me. I couldn't stop crying in my dream. I really woke up in a bad funk and it has been bothering me all day. I really want to email or text my ex. Not for contact to try to reconcile, but to make sure everything is ok. Even though I know everything must not be ok. Should I write a quick email just making sure everything is ok? Or should I keep my distance? Maybe me email would just make everything worse. I don't know. I just have a bad feeling in my gut. Anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Other than John Cusack?
meeji Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 This is tough. I saw emergencies listed as one of the times when you shouldn't break no contact. If your ex needed you maybe they would reach out to you. Let them deal with their irrational problems on their own unless the ask for your comfort. Maybe that is best. I'm curious to see what other a say
Author Fryderyk_Franciszek Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Let them deal with their irrational problems on their own unless the ask for your comfort. Maybe that is best. This was my thought as well. I just feel bad. A lot has happened over the past month and I sure this is not making things better. Sigh...I am sure if she needs me she will contact me.
Balzac Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Tell your mom to stop sharing "news". Absolutely do not engage in continuing efforts to find out about your ex. This is about you moving forward, not backtracking familiar territory.
meeji Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 This was my thought as well. I just feel bad. A lot has happened over the past month and I sure this is not making things better. Sigh...I am sure if she needs me she will contact me. I meant emotional, not irrational. Sorry using Swype on a tablet......... I would imagine you ex has family members and others that are also grieving and they can support each other emotionally. I'm sure it's hard to deal with but the fact is that you guys are no longer together. It is not your obligation or responsibility to support your ex in any way. it is hard, I know. 1
veggirl Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 If it was like a mom or dad or sibling I'd say sure, but I'm guessing it's not. So, no...you want to make sure everything is okay but you know it's not so that doesn't make sense. Since your mom is apparently in contact (?) with someone in her family, she could just say "Joe sends his best" or whatever to that person who was giving her the info.
Author Fryderyk_Franciszek Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 If it was like a mom or dad or sibling I'd say sure, but I'm guessing it's not. It is part of her immediate family.
Survivor12 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Send flowers or a card. If she needs you, she will let you know. Don't use her loss as an excuse to soothe your own pain. She will see through it. 1
Author Fryderyk_Franciszek Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Send flowers or a card. If she needs you, she will let you know. Don't use her loss as an excuse to soothe your own pain. She will see through it. I am definitely not wanting to talk to her to soothe my pain, but hers. I feel bad for not being there for her, even though that is not my role anymore.
veggirl Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Send flowers or a card. If she needs you, she will let you know. Don't use her loss as an excuse to soothe your own pain. She will see through it. Good idea. Send a card or flowers to the WHOLE family, not just her.
cdt76 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I would send a card but be careful. Write only a few words and sign it. Just keep it simple. Sorry for your loss, is a good one and sign your name. No love. No Miss you. Nothing. The card should be simple as well. Nothing about love or anything. THen I think you've done your obligation and provided a thought that counts more than being there for her. It's either that or send nothing. 1
cavalier99 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) If it is one of her parents or siblings maybe send something. Otherwise stay the f*ck away. Just my opinion and what i would do. There will always be a family emergency ecetera. It isn't your concern anymore and she didn't text you specifically about it. This is excuse to get sucked back in and slow down your healing. I wouldn't break NC. Wait i just read immediate family. Maybe send card. But know this will probably open up communication again and be painful. Up to you. Edited February 1, 2013 by cavalier99
cherepaha Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 i would... i even called my ex (tho he was the one who texted me that his relative is on a death bed) But even if it would have been someone else, i'd still do it. We are now fully NC, but i know i'd break it if something like that (knock on wood) would happen. Ofc it depends on the actual break up, but you said it was not bad so... i think a card will be good and if what, she'll know she can count on you (that in no way will mean she will want to reconcile, so you should do it if you are ok to offer moral support without expecting)
Survivor12 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) I am definitely not wanting to talk to her to soothe my pain, but hers. I feel bad for not being there for her, even though that is not my role anymore. If she felt that talking to you would ease her pain, she would contact you. Therefore, you have no reason to assume that hearing from you will make her feel better (on the contrary, it may make it harder for her emotionally). So, read again what you just said: *I* feel bad for not being there for her. You see, contacting her is about making YOURSELF feel better. A card will let her know that you are sympathetic for her loss and--as I said before--IF she wants you there, she will let you know. Edited February 2, 2013 by Survivor12 Punctuation
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