MM moving out...

[veryconfused82]

hi all. i thought i might give an update on my situation and perhaps ask for some advice again. MM and his wife are separating and he is moving out next week. he just secured a new place to live today. obviously for him this will be a huge change. have any other OW been in this situation before? i'm wondering what the best way for me to handle this is. obviously i want to be there for him, but at the same time he will need some time to grieve what is a major upheaval, so i don't want to get all in his face. i want to try and do the best thing for both of us. any tips? other than telling me he is lying and not really moving out, they are not really separated, he is future faking etc etc etc...

 

before i get a question about why no divorce- where i live a couple must be separated for a year before that can happen.

 

cheers

[veryhappy]

Do you have any idea who initiated the separation?

[veryconfused82]

That is key..

 

it isn't key at all. my original post wasn't anything to do with who initiated the separation. thanks

[woinlove]

veryconfused, is your relationship with MM now out in the open to everyone?

 

When xMM separated and filed for divorce, everything became out in the open, I met his W and family and they knew our history. If that is the case, this can be a positive transition when any secrecy and deception stops and maybe less likely he will yo-yo back and forth. If things are still secret, then maybe best not to expect much to change yet.

[MissBee]

hi all. i thought i might give an update on my situation and perhaps ask for some advice again. MM and his wife are separating and he is moving out next week. he just secured a new place to live today. obviously for him this will be a huge change. have any other OW been in this situation before? i'm wondering what the best way for me to handle this is. obviously i want to be there for him, but at the same time he will need some time to grieve what is a major upheaval, so i don't want to get all in his face. i want to try and do the best thing for both of us. any tips? other than telling me he is lying and not really moving out, they are not really separated, he is future faking etc etc etc...

 

before i get a question about why no divorce- where i live a couple must be separated for a year before that can happen.

 

cheers

 

I haven't been in this situation...but my advice would be to prepare for anything and allow him to be the one to take the lead during this time.

 

That is: consider your R like any other, that is, it may or may not work out. I think sometimes when a MP leaves, there becomes a pressure on the APs to feel like they have to make it work and have to be together. I don't know if he left "for you" or because he would anyway....but hopefully it is the latter. And in that case, I'd start to think of things like any other dating scenario...getting to see if now things can work or not and a kind of starting over versus let's just plow full speed ahead.

 

He knows you are there and you should allow him to go through this, being there if needed, but not getting too entangled and allowing him to take the lead. That's all you can do...show moral support and he already knows you are there for him. It's up to him how he uses that.

 

I would continue with my life, continue as always doing what you would normally do and not get too anxious about this. Listen and observe and take care of yourself foremost. Don't neglect your life and feelings to be consumed by his separation process. Give it time. It is still a shaky time and like some have said, sometimes this process is short lived and the MP goes back home or even in some cases, the newly separated MP decides they want to be with no one, or someone else...I don't know what will happen for you...but because it is a shaky time I recommend listening, observing, being there but not being consumed or carried away. Just observe, take things slow and allow him to also reassure you and to take actions that show that he is serious.

[jwi71]

it isn't key at all. my original post wasn't anything to do with who initiated the separation. thanks

 

Do not lightly dismiss contrary, even acerbic, advice.

 

The premise is - if HE initiated the separation then he is less likely to want to return and less likely to suffer emotional distress.

 

It is very pertinent to you as you are asking what is the best way to handle it.

 

IF he is very upset and emotionally distressed at being asked to leave - you may be better served by stepping back and letting him process and grieve - he may even blame you.

 

IF he moved out by his choice, you may wish to be more available to him as there is no "shock" at being asked to leave - as he initiated it.

 

So...what is his emotional state? What does he appear to need?

 

Why not just ask him how you can best support him.

 

And what if he wishes to keep you hidden from his friends and family?

(if that's the case now - I don't recall)

Would that be now acceptable?

 

I know you want to see this is a positive but its only potentially so.

 

You are closest to this so YOU have to decide.

 

I think you are best served by determining if HE wants out and this is the first step - or if it is not. And that will take time...and the biggest clue is not he moved out but how he treats you NOW.

[whichwayisup]

Do they have children? If so, then yes, you need to allow him space and time to adjust to all the changes and let them co parent, do family counseling (if they choose to do so) to help with the transition, for their kids sake.

 

My suggestion is, don't make him your number one. Try to focus on your own life, friends, family, hobbies etc., keep busy.

 

You two need to get out of the affair dynamic, the sneaking around, lying and hiding your relationship...So maybe don't have sex with him until thing settle down and he's ready to 'date' you in the proper way and in a healthy way.

 

You are right, he needs to grieve the loss of his marriage, the life he once shared with his wife - He has nothing to give to you right now. Until he is divorced or at least detached enough from his (ex) wife and their family life, slow it down and shield your heart.

 

Don't be his 'therapist' though. Friends yes, but not his ear/shoulder when it comes to his grieving the loss of his previous life.

[veryconfused82]

Assuming he initiated it and she didn't just kick him out...

 

Then obviously you should throw a party for him. Celebrate that he's now free of the ball and chain and can dance in the sunshine with you, his true love.

 

I don't see the problem. You won. You got what you wanted. And what he wanted. So everyone will be thrilled right and his wife will send you flowers on your birthday.

 

Seriously, what could possibly go wrong when you two both got the outcome you wanted?

 

i hope she does send me flowers on my birthday. it would only be appropriate after she stood in my way for so long. maybe i should send her a message and tell her i enjoy daisies or yellow roses...

[Journee]

i hope she does send me flowers on my birthday. it would only be appropriate after she stood in my way for so long. maybe i should send her a message and tell her i enjoy daisies or yellow roses...

 

 

I'm not sure how this helps anything by being so cruel because someone on an internet forum said something you don't like. I looked at your first thread but maybe I missed something. How did she stand in your way?

 

I agree with the poster that said you should ask him. Maybe just say that you know he is going through a tough time and you will be there. Something simple just to let him know. Little things can mean a lot during confusing times.

 

Good luck.

[Decorative]

i hope she does send me flowers on my birthday. it would only be appropriate after she stood in my way for so long. maybe i should send her a message and tell her i enjoy daisies or yellow roses...

 

Holy canoli.

 

Wow.

 

I was originally going to encourage caution with the MM and to verify what he says, so you don't get hurt.

 

Now I just think I'll say good luck. It appears you'll need it.

[flattened]

Wow, people are so invested in their unhappiness they can't stand to see anybody possibly get in a situation where it might work out.

 

VC82, obviously it will be a very emotional time. Be prepared for crazy ups and downs. I think it's important to offer your support, but give him space too. He needs to come to peace with the breakup and the fallout by himself. If he doesn't, you will potentially be on the receiving end of things...

 

I'm assuming your relationship can be out in the open now, so make sure to find time to celebrate that. ie go out in public and be affectionate and do the things that people openly in love do all the time. After all, this is what the whole point of the pain and suffering is about.

 

And, of course, be careful with yourself, because there's a long and twist road ahead still. Which may end in a cliff. Good luck, and I hope things work out well for you.

[SunshineToday]

Wow, people are so invested in their unhappiness they can't stand to see anybody possibly get in a situation where it might work out.

.

 

I think it's more like these type of situations rarely work out, even when someone moves out of their house. So don't get too excited yet.

 

But hey, I hope it works out for you both. You will finally get to have a relationship that is not in secret. So that is a good thing.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, people are so invested in their unhappiness they can't stand to see anybody possibly get in a situation where it might work out.

 

VC82, obviously it will be a very emotional time. Be prepared for crazy ups and downs. I think it's important to offer your support, but give him space too. He needs to come to peace with the breakup and the fallout by himself. If he doesn't, you will potentially be on the receiving end of things...

I'm assuming your relationship can be out in the open now, so make sure to find time to celebrate that. ie go out in public and be affectionate and do the things that people openly in love do all the time. After all, this is what the whole point of the pain and suffering is about.

 

And, of course, be careful with yourself, because there's a long and twist road ahead still. Which may end in a cliff. Good luck, and I hope things work out well for you.

 

Their affair turned relationship shouldn't go out in the open until their D is final or at least MM and his (ex) wife are further along in their separation. This JUST happened and I highly doubt he's ready for everybody to know he has someone waiting in the wings once his D is final. A year from now.

[Decorative]

Wow, people are so invested in their unhappiness they can't stand to see anybody possibly get in a situation where it might work out.

 

VC82, obviously it will be a very emotional time. Be prepared for crazy ups and downs. I think it's important to offer your support, but give him space too. He needs to come to peace with the breakup and the fallout by himself. If he doesn't, you will potentially be on the receiving end of things...

 

I'm assuming your relationship can be out in the open now, so make sure to find time to celebrate that. ie go out in public and be affectionate and do the things that people openly in love do all the time. After all, this is what the whole point of the pain and suffering is about.

 

And, of course, be careful with yourself, because there's a long and twist road ahead still. Which may end in a cliff. Good luck, and I hope things work out well for you.

 

Invested in their unhappiness?

 

Yeah. Notsomuch.

 

Rofl

 

The OP was super sweet about the betrayed spouse. Her capacity for empathy? Clearly huge.

 

or maybe not.

[whichwayisup]

I've read your other thread. Confused, you really need to back off and let him be. Most of all - Protect your heart. Less than a month ago, they went to MC to try to salvage their marriage with the intention of fixing it. Now all of a sudden he's moving out and they are divorcing after 20 years of marriage and 2 daughters? And your affair is with him is less than 9 months..

 

Time will tell as to what happens next, either way for your own protection, focus on yourself, your friends, family, job, etc., and don't get sucked into his ending his marriage. How it ends and how he handles is has to be done his way.

[anna121]

Holy canoli.

 

Wow.

 

I was originally going to encourage caution with the MM and to verify what he says, so you don't get hurt.

 

Now I just think I'll say good luck. It appears you'll need it.

 

I didn't take it as a serious slag against BW but a response to a post that only wanted to slag HER. Tit for tat.

 

But I haven't read her other threads.

[LFH]

I didn't take it as a serious slag against BW but a response to a post that only wanted to slag HER. Tit for tat.

 

But I haven't read her other threads.

 

Exactly...

[Decorative]

I didn't take it as a serious slag against BW but a response to a post that only wanted to slag HER. Tit for tat.

 

But I haven't read her other threads.

 

In my opinion, having read her other stuff , I think she falls short on empathy.

 

But it would be great to be wrong. It happens.

[Survivor12]

i hope she does send me flowers on my birthday. it would only be appropriate after she stood in my way for so long. maybe i should send her a message and tell her i enjoy daisies or yellow roses...

 

I was prepared to support you against the negativity being directed at you by others...then I saw this.

[wanting more]

I was prepared to support you against the negativity being directed at you by others...then I saw this.

 

It was a smartas* comment to the smartas* comment that was posted before.

[veryconfused82]

hmmm it appears most are not well versed in sarcasm? ah well. to those that offer actual advice, thank you very much.

 

MM initiated separation but the W agreed. the girls are ok with it for now (they don't know all the ins and outs of what happened) but i imagine once everyone becomes used to the idea it will be difficult. as for people knowing, yes close friends and some family know, but it's not something anyone is shouting from the rooftops at this stage. MM and i work together so i imagine this will all go down like a lead balloon.

 

i guess time will tell.

[waterwoman]

I hope it works out for you. But I confess it makes me want to cry reading this. 20 years down the crapper. Maybe it's just because of my situation that I find this so heartbreaking.

[stevie_23]

This was a situation I had hoped would happen with my ex-MM, but it never did. I was always waiting for the day he'd tell me he was getting his own place, but...nope.

 

In any case, I have no experience with this actually happening, but I would just say be VERY, VERY patient. In many ways. He may be very upset, sad, and he may feel guilty...now that his marriage is over (maybe), the guilt and possible regrets may get in the way of his feelings for you. Sometimes (and I'm not saying this will happen here) you desperately want something when it's difficult to have, but once you're free to have it all you want, you don't want it quite as much anymore because you simply can't appreciate it as much anymore, and that on top of the upheaval and grief over the marriage ending may cause some problems for you. But it may not. It's just a possibility.

 

Also be patient in terms of time. They have to live separately for a year before they divorce. A lot can happen in a year.

 

And also be patient emotionally, as I know you will be. You love him. He seems to love you. Just...be there for him in whatever way HE wants, not whatever way YOU think is best for him.

[Decorative]

hmmm it appears most are not well versed in sarcasm? ah well. to those that offer actual advice, thank you very much.

 

MM initiated separation but the W agreed. the girls are ok with it for now (they don't know all the ins and outs of what happened) but i imagine once everyone becomes used to the idea it will be difficult. as for people knowing, yes close friends and some family know, but it's not something anyone is shouting from the rooftops at this stage. MM and i work together so i imagine this will all go down like a lead balloon.

 

i guess time will tell.

 

Oh.

 

Sarcasm I totally understand.

 

Failed attempts at it and poking ? Not as much.

 

I hope you get all the things you want. I hope you at least heed the advice to check out why he's leaving the marriage. Experience shows it's very rarely because he wants to.

 

Have enough confidence in yourself to believe you can do better than a man likely kicked out by his wife, after a very longterm marriage. He'll be struggling and in turmoil. And if he isn't- then look out. a month ago he was trying to save his marriage. He's not stable.

 

And you don't want to be his emotional crutch. A grownup man would be able to handle it without leaning on a new romantic interest.

 

I am sure there'll be some that say " not uh- my man left and we're good now". I encourage you to look at the differences in the scenarios.

Edited February 2, 2013 by Decorative

[Decorative]

hmmm it appears most are not well versed in sarcasm? ah well. to those that offer actual advice, thank you very much.

 

MM initiated separation but the W agreed. the girls are ok with it for now (they don't know all the ins and outs of what happened) but i imagine once everyone becomes used to the idea it will be difficult. as for people knowing, yes close friends and some family know, but it's not something anyone is shouting from the rooftops at this stage. MM and i work together so i imagine this will all go down like a lead balloon.

 

i guess time will tell.

 

*Doubled post. Oops.

 

I'll take the opportunity to advise again- talk to the wife. See who started the separation. Confirm he's telling the truth. He's a recent liar. It's wise to confirm those things.