Journee Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 8 weeks. His OW couldn't give him 8 weeks of honesty. She couldn't give him 8 weeks without sleeping with three other men. She couldn't give him 8 weeks of unselfish time. She needed constant validation from several men just to keep going. How she could juggle calling and texting my husband 20x a day AND three other men? 8 weeks. He couldn't be faithful to a woman he claimed to love. 8 weeks I darn near begged for more interaction with him. 8 weeks I felt like I was going crazy. 8 weeks he looked me in the face and lied to me. 8 years, I gave him all of me. 8 years I took him back after his cheating while we were dating. Justifying it with our young age and long distance status. 8 years I rationalized his bad behavior because I loved him so. 8 years. I had his children, took his name, picked up after him, made pretty well every meal he ate. 8 years, I ironed his clothes and packed his lunch. 8 years I gave him my heart, my body. Who is the fool in all of this? Me. All three of us are a hot mess but I'm the fool. Why? Because I knew better. He showed me who he was and I didn't want to believe him. I know 8 years isn't as long as many other relationships but it is time I will never get back. Just a rant...carry on
underwater2010 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 You are not a fool....for eight yrs he proved that he could stay faithful. For eight you provided him with something many other men would want from a wife. You took vows and you meant every word you said. Please DO NOT let him make you feel this way. I know firsthand how hard it is when you first find out. It DOES get better with time. Just know that we are here if you need to vent. HUGS 2
NotCamelot Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Getting it out does help..... rant all you need. Most of the people here at LS are glad to listen and good at it as well. Just remember - don't blame yourself for what HE did. It is not your fault. No matter how good you were to him, you could not control his actions. Maybe you were too good to him?!? 3
Realist3 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Sadly, some people don't realize what they had until they lose it. Don't allow yourself to be taken for granted. 2
Author Journee Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 You are not a fool....for eight yrs he proved that he could stay faithful. For eight you provided him with something many other men would want from a wife. You took vows and you meant every word you said. Please DO NOT let him make you feel this way. I know firsthand how hard it is when you first find out. It DOES get better with time. Just know that we are here if you need to vent. HUGS Thank you. You know, before I found this board I kept asking myself "Who rents hotel rooms with someone they barely know and risks it all?.Who would bring a person into the marital home and have sex on the couch that their children play on? Who cheats on a woman carrying their seed?" Then I started lurking and reading. My answer now is everyone! Either someone is doing it or it has been done to them. Right now I am at a loss. Sadly I still love the jack wagon. I almost feel I will hurt more without him but I have to do this. I did take my vows seriously and it hurts so badly. 1
Author Journee Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Getting it out does help..... rant all you need. Most of the people here at LS are glad to listen and good at it as well. Just remember - don't blame yourself for what HE did. It is not your fault. No matter how good you were to him, you could not control his actions. Maybe you were too good to him?!? I was NC. I spoiled the mess out of him. When we separated in 2011 for non A reasons, I stopped all of the loving things he was used to. He was so used to it that the first woman that gave him enough attention he let into his world. I know he loved every minute of the incessant calling and texting. He tried to fill a void with her. Little did he know she was filling her void too It would not had hurt so intensely if he were not telling me he wanted his family back and wanting to come home. At least I could had braced for him dating. I was lonely too but I wasn't weak. 1
NotCamelot Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Don't beat yourself up for continuing to love. Lots of people go through marital infidelity, reconcile, and come out the other side with a stronger love and marriage than they had before. But HE has to want it also. For your sake, I hope he does. And remember, we are are human, saints on earth are extremely scarce.... 1
Author Journee Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Sadly, some people don't realize what they had until they lose it. Don't allow yourself to be taken for granted. What I can't make sense of is how to ever believe this will not be what i find around every corner. It nearly makes me want to stay where I am. At least with him, I know what he is capable of.
underwater2010 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 The hardest thing to realize in all of this....It wasn't about you. Please repeat that to yourself daily. And no, not everyone does that or has it happen to them. Please do not let this jade you in your future relationship. About the only thing good that comes out of these situations is that we will not be blinded again. We will go into any future relationships with our eyes wide open. Don't be to hard on yourself for loving him still. You loved him when you married him. You loved him enough to have kids with him. I would think you were caloused if you were to say you felt nothing for him now. I am sorry you hurt so bad. But I promise that it does get better. You have to focus on you and the kids now. That is what will help you get through it. 2
Spark1111 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 What I can't make sense of is how to ever believe this will not be what i find around every corner. It nearly makes me want to stay where I am. At least with him, I know what he is capable of. I told my H after DDay, my healing would be a three step process: First the affair. Okay, given the right set of circumstances, I guess anyone could be vulnerable so I did forgive it, pretty quickly. I can imagine, while in a low point in myself, my life, my marriage....someone telling me how wonderful I am, gazing into my eyes adoringly, hanging onto my every word...yep, I see how it starts. Secondly, I have to forgive the lying to my face every day....much, much harder. We could have separated, gone to counseling, I too could have dated. The lying just about killed me. Last and final stage, respect him again. If I couldn't respect him, I could not stay married to him. This is ongoing for me. While he has consistently proved for years through his actions that he is a changed man, the sun no longer rises on his shoulders. STOP doing for him; no shirt-ironing, cooking his every meal. Many of these men marry a woman who does it all out of love and self-sacrifice, but then he stops seeing her as a woman and starts seeing her as a mommy only. Start seeing yourself as a woman first. Get a little selfish for you. Stop doing for him. Your responsibilities are yourself first, mother second, and as for him? Either he earns his way back home or you move on.
Author Journee Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 I am trying very hard to keep a level head. I'm trying to believe there is life after and despite all of this. Thank you for the kind responses. 1
Author Journee Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 I told my H after DDay, my healing would be a three step process: First the affair. Okay, given the right set of circumstances, I guess anyone could be vulnerable so I did forgive it, pretty quickly. I can imagine, while in a low point in myself, my life, my marriage....someone telling me how wonderful I am, gazing into my eyes adoringly, hanging onto my every word...yep, I see how it starts. Secondly, I have to forgive the lying to my face every day....much, much harder. We could have separated, gone to counseling, I too could have dated. The lying just about killed me. Last and final stage, respect him again. If I couldn't respect him, I could not stay married to him. This is ongoing for me. While he has consistently proved for years through his actions that he is a changed man, the sun no longer rises on his shoulders. STOP doing for him; no shirt-ironing, cooking his every meal. Many of these men marry a woman who does it all out of love and self-sacrifice, but then he stops seeing her as a woman and starts seeing her as a mommy only. Start seeing yourself as a woman first. Get a little selfish for you. Stop doing for him. Your responsibilities are yourself first, mother second, and as for him? Either he earns his way back home or you move on. Spark I think you are spot on about my mothering him. I guess I had hoped our initial separation would be a wake up call for him. Wrong. Nothing seems to be enough for him to get it together. I don't know anything any longer.
Furious Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 What I can't make sense of is how to ever believe this will not be what i find around every corner. It nearly makes me want to stay where I am. At least with him, I know what he is capable of. Fear of the unknown future will keep you in an unsatisfactory present. You're a loving and lovely woman who was not appreciated and taken for granted. You spoiled your husband, gave more than you received. Your husband was the overbenifited and entitled spouse who cheated and lied to you. It's sad that those who give, really just want the same in return. Don't change who you are but look more closely at why you give so much. Sometimes people who give too much may not feel entitled to love, that they must prove their worthy of it. You have every right to feel so hurt, you have every right to feel what you feel. I hope from now on you have the strength and courage to not accept any less than what you give, and the courage to move foward knowing you can give yourself a better future and not be afraid of journey to it.
Realist3 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 What I can't make sense of is how to ever believe this will not be what i find around every corner. It nearly makes me want to stay where I am. At least with him, I know what he is capable of. You shouldn't take that attitude... AT ALL! "This sucks, but at least I know how bad it sucks." You deserve more. Believe me, there many many people out there that will treat you much better than what you are experiencing right now; you just have to be brave enough to make that step. What postives do you take from your current involvement from this man? Are there any? Even if you were alone it would not be worse than what you are dealing with now.
Spark1111 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 So you get YOU together. You be the best person you can be for yourself and any future relationships. Stop baking! Atleast for a while and start dance classes. Wear high heels. Take an art class. You sound like me....did way too much for everyone, but especially him. Who does he cheat with? A real damsel in distress. There is a lesson there journee. The more you do, the more some men, immature I would say, or spoiled by mama, will let you do. Be a mama to your children, but remember that amazing sexy, independent woman you use to be? Go find her again and let her have center stage. She's not gone. She's just a little dormant at the moment. 2
Author Journee Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Furious, I have always felt I have to prove my worth. I know it stems back to my biological mother. I have had IC but cannot stop doing and doing and doing... During our first separation I pulled back and he resents me for that. He won't admit it but had hinted as such. I am scared of what is out there. Terrified. What if it's nothing? What if it's nothing at all? *sigh* Realist, My babies. Point blank period. The only good part of this mess as far as I can tell. You are right, that attitude is terrible....but applicable unfortunately. Spark, I certainly do need to reclaim my sexy Just having a baby has made that part of me hard to see. I'm going to go find that confident woman I was not long ago
Realist3 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Keep your chin up. You can do more than youmight realize. 1
Furious Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I have always felt I have to prove my worth. I know it stems back to my biological mother. I have had IC but cannot stop doing and doing and doing... During our first separation I pulled back and he resents me for that. He won't admit it but had hinted as such. I am scared of what is out there. Terrified. What if it's nothing? What if it's nothing at all? *sigh* Hey Journee Take some of that doing for others and begin doing more for yourself. I understand how scary it is with the idea of starting over again and being afraid that maybe it might be worse than what you already know. You don't have to decide this minute, tomorrow or even a year from now if you need to divorce your husband. Give yourself time, give yourself the chance to think more clearly and to prepare for an eventual divorce if your husband doesn't make some majors changes and shows you he's making you feel respected. Meanwhile stay firm and takes the steps and get the resources and tools to be good with or without him. 2
Steen719 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 8 weeks. His OW couldn't give him 8 weeks of honesty. She couldn't give him 8 weeks without sleeping with three other men. She couldn't give him 8 weeks of unselfish time. She needed constant validation from several men just to keep going. How she could juggle calling and texting my husband 20x a day AND three other men? 8 weeks. He couldn't be faithful to a woman he claimed to love. 8 weeks I darn near begged for more interaction with him. 8 weeks I felt like I was going crazy. 8 weeks he looked me in the face and lied to me. 8 years, I gave him all of me. 8 years I took him back after his cheating while we were dating. Justifying it with our young age and long distance status. 8 years I rationalized his bad behavior because I loved him so. 8 years. I had his children, took his name, picked up after him, made pretty well every meal he ate. 8 years, I ironed his clothes and packed his lunch. 8 years I gave him my heart, my body. Who is the fool in all of this? Me. All three of us are a hot mess but I'm the fool. Why? Because I knew better. He showed me who he was and I didn't want to believe him. I know 8 years isn't as long as many other relationships but it is time I will never get back. Just a rant...carry on First, big HUGS! See your bolded statement up there? 8 years into my marriage, my HX cheated and someone told me right then and there - he is showing you who he is. No problems, plenty of sex, just bought a very nice home (which is now being foreclosed on), smart child, enough money. He regretted, was sorry and I gave him forgiveness at a very cheap price. Fast forward 13 years and after a bunch of crap I won't go into (but you can read it if you are interested), he did it again. The circumstances make it worse, really worse. I do think that sometimes people can go forward with their marriage and maybe their cheating spouse was better than they showed, but not so true in my case. It is hard to go forward alone and I am older, financially ruined, working 2 jobs and putting a son through college (all with no help from the X bastard); but I am here to tell you that it is better than being with a liar and cheater. I am not going to spend any more of my time wondering what someone is doing or if they are going to bolt at the first sign of trouble. Money, I don't have much of, but self-respect and honesty...now, girl, I got enough of that to go around! Chin up and read your above words; this man has shown you who he is and you did not want to believe him. Now you know. 2
Author Journee Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Furious, Thank you for reminding me that there is no time limit on this. I feel a lot of times that I should have made a decision by now. I just hate the "wait and see" game. Steen, I read your story and I want to thank you for your kind words. These situations surely are testaments to the resilience of the heart.
Confused3232 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Journee, May I ask what the initial seperation was about? My heart goes out to you. I was pregnant with twins when my husband cheated and then after I had them, he just kept doing it. On a good note, the stress/anger made me loose the baby weight (60 pounds) really fast (by three months). My body looks amazing now and so I started to dress amazing again. I have bought some new make-up, curling iron and other fun things to pamper myself a little. Even though I am many times a mess inside, I look amazing on the outside which makes each day a little easier. Plus, it doesn't hurt to show him what he is missing!! Focus on yourself and give yourself some special treats, it will help, I promise.
Author Journee Posted February 7, 2013 Author Posted February 7, 2013 Journee, May I ask what the initial seperation was about? My heart goes out to you. I was pregnant with twins when my husband cheated and then after I had them, he just kept doing it. On a good note, the stress/anger made me loose the baby weight (60 pounds) really fast (by three months). My body looks amazing now and so I started to dress amazing again. I have bought some new make-up, curling iron and other fun things to pamper myself a little. Even though I am many times a mess inside, I look amazing on the outside which makes each day a little easier. Plus, it doesn't hurt to show him what he is missing!! Focus on yourself and give yourself some special treats, it will help, I promise. Things became physical between us and I demanded marriage counseling. I thought we could learn to communicate better and keep our family. He was not interested. After a year of being put off I left. I wish I could say the stress has impacted my body positively. I feel terrible. Unloveable. Undesirable. It's awful. Thank you for your kind words and I hope that you are able to heal. Congratulations on your twins. Twice the love!
Recommended Posts