Ordinaryday Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) That the ONLY time it is appropriate to contact the dumpee is when they want to reconcile?? I have experienced a terrible thing many times over the years, in which a dumper texts or emails me to either apologise/check up on me/say hi/tell me they're really sorry how they handled things/ask me to forgive them/Let them know that I meant the world to them and that they will 'always treasure' the time we had together/etc. To be blunt I FIND THIS INCREDIBLY RUDE AND SELF-SERVING and when I have read through some posts on these forums, I see that other people have been in the same situation! For one thing, I long ago figured out that this contact is always self-serving as they are looking to ease any guilt they feel by doing this half assed apology. And if you accept their apology you are effectively saying that how they treated you is okay, so I never accept it. And this contact usually sets me back because I ALWAYS get excited thinking that this contact means they are looking to reconcile, when no, they are just looking to ease their conscience and they are showing complete lack of respect for you as their contact may potentially reopen wounds you have tried to heal for a long time! So if you dump someone and no longer want them in their life THEN AT LEAST SHOW THEM THE RESPECT OF LEAVING THEM ALONE. If you want to reconcile then great, I am open to talking. But if you want to contact a dumpee to apologise or say hi or let them them know that you will 'always treasure' the time you spent together DON'T BOTHER. It is rude, self serving and may potentially harm them. I have been dumped a few times now and the last time I was dumped I pre-empted this by telling her that under no circumstances is she to contact me UNLESS it is about reconciling. We all have our burdens to bear and being dumped does a lot to the emotional well being of someone. Dumpers, just accept that the guilt you may feel by dumping someone is just something you have to either get over or live with. But please have enough respect to the person you dumped by NEVER contacting them unless it is about getting back together. Edited February 1, 2013 by Ordinaryday 2
Sugarkane Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I know- they get a massive ego boost From it. I've had worst. I've had a dumper Bragg about how he was doing better than me. Before that he asked me back, but I shouldn't have answered at all. Then he laughed and blew up my phone with verbal abuse. I couldn't believe it. I never cheated at all and this prick dumped me so he could play the field. I never want to see this Ahole again.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 My ex doesn't contact me at all. I guess I'm lucky.
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Trust me - compared to the people put repeatedly through the emotional meat-grinder - you really are.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Trust me - compared to the people put repeatedly through the emotional meat-grinder - you really are. I sometimes disagree. I think ideally there'd be a middle ground, either a) "I want you back" or b) "F--k off!". Prefer both of those
blotter Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Who cares if they contact you, the real problem comes with responding, that is something that you are totally in control of.
fungusamungus Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I have been dumped a few times now and the last time I was dumped I pre-empted this by telling her that under no circumstances is she to contact me UNLESS it is about reconciling. We all have our burdens to bear and being dumped does a lot to the emotional well being of someone. Dumpers, just accept that the guilt you may feel by dumping someone is just something you have to either get over or live with. But please have enough respect to the person you dumped by NEVER contacting them unless it is about getting back together.This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I've seen this line of thinking actually prevent a LOT of reconciliations. If he or she just randomly left you for someone else, then I could understand it, but that's basically the only scenario where I would ever impose that kind of ultimatum. At the same time though, I don't get my hopes up or emotionally invested with this kind of contact. Sometimes it just really helps to not overanalyze. I've gotten back a few exes before, but never once did I get them back by ignoring them until I got a... "I want you back". In fact, every ex that I've gotten back, I've done so by taking it slowly, having casual contact for a little while, and building things back up until we were both comfortable in trying again. Every time. And I would've never gotten back together with any of them had I ever given the... "unless you want to get back together, leave me alone" ultimatum.
Own Worst Enemy Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 until this time. it's been nearly a month. i know logically that it's for the best, but it sure isn't helping my ego to think that i am so forgettable! why do we always want what is worst for us?
Inviv_girl Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Well, the pain is really excruciating for now and I cant think of contacting eachother. Maybe in the future I dont know.. if its meant to be it will find a way
StraylightRun24 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I'm going through the no contact with my current ex right now and it's because a few years ago I went through one of those breakups that drag on for months and I kept getting the impression, "oh wow she finally came to her sense," and then POOF she's back with her new boyfriend the very next day (or should I say the very next text/call lol). So I completely understand where Ordinaryday is coming from but I also see fungusamungus point about no contact not working for reconciliation. Me and my current ex didn't have a necessarily bad breakup, you know besides her ripping my heart out of my chest like Mola Ram does in Temple of Doom, like others on these boards have had and I have to admit I've questioned myself taking the no contact approach because I would really like to reconcile, but then I come back to my senses and realize I am THAT guy who over-analyzes things. So I guess what I'm trying to get at is it really comes down to knowing yourself and if you can handle limited contact or not
destroyed4sho Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 that the only time it is appropriate to contact the dumpee is when they want to reconcile?? I have experienced a terrible thing many times over the years, in which a dumper texts or emails me to either apologise/check up on me/say hi/tell me they're really sorry how they handled things/ask me to forgive them/let them know that i meant the world to them and that they will 'always treasure' the time we had together/etc. To be blunt i find this incredibly rude and self-serving and when i have read through some posts on these forums, i see that other people have been in the same situation! For one thing, i long ago figured out that this contact is always self-serving as they are looking to ease any guilt they feel by doing this half assed apology. And if you accept their apology you are effectively saying that how they treated you is okay, so i never accept it. And this contact usually sets me back because i always get excited thinking that this contact means they are looking to reconcile, when no, they are just looking to ease their conscience and they are showing complete lack of respect for you as their contact may potentially reopen wounds you have tried to heal for a long time! So if you dump someone and no longer want them in their life then at least show them the respect of leaving them alone. If you want to reconcile then great, i am open to talking. But if you want to contact a dumpee to apologise or say hi or let them them know that you will 'always treasure' the time you spent together don't bother. It is rude, self serving and may potentially harm them. I have been dumped a few times now and the last time i was dumped i pre-empted this by telling her that under no circumstances is she to contact me unless it is about reconciling. We all have our burdens to bear and being dumped does a lot to the emotional well being of someone. Dumpers, just accept that the guilt you may feel by dumping someone is just something you have to either get over or live with. But please have enough respect to the person you dumped by never contacting them unless it is about getting back together. hallelujah!
destroyed4sho Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I've seen this line of thinking actually prevent a LOT of reconciliations. If he or she just randomly left you for someone else, then I could understand it, but that's basically the only scenario where I would ever impose that kind of ultimatum. At the same time though, I don't get my hopes up or emotionally invested with this kind of contact. Sometimes it just really helps to not overanalyze. I've gotten back a few exes before, but never once did I get them back by ignoring them until I got a... "I want you back". In fact, every ex that I've gotten back, I've done so by taking it slowly, having casual contact for a little while, and building things back up until we were both comfortable in trying again. Every time. And I would've never gotten back together with any of them had I ever given the... "unless you want to get back together, leave me alone" ultimatum. Did you dump them or they dumped you?? There is a difference.... If they dumped you, then they should be the ones asking for reconciliations or making effort to open convo that would lead there. If you dumped them, then it would make sense why they would contact you casually ----because they want you back!!
TrueAwareness Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I've seen this line of thinking actually prevent a LOT of reconciliations. If he or she just randomly left you for someone else, then I could understand it, but that's basically the only scenario where I would ever impose that kind of ultimatum. At the same time though, I don't get my hopes up or emotionally invested with this kind of contact. Sometimes it just really helps to not overanalyze. I've gotten back a few exes before, but never once did I get them back by ignoring them until I got a... "I want you back". In fact, every ex that I've gotten back, I've done so by taking it slowly, having casual contact for a little while, and building things back up until we were both comfortable in trying again. Every time. And I would've never gotten back together with any of them had I ever given the... "unless you want to get back together, leave me alone" ultimatum. I actually agree with you 100%. I think if the dumper was cheating and really hurt you by doing something that destroyed your trust in the person completely, then yes, you shoudl give the ultimatum of staying away. But if you both still cvare for eachother and there was no particular new person in the middle of things. I agree with fungusamungus.
Author Ordinaryday Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 And another thing that I forgot to mention is that the dumper recontacting you actually shows a huge amount of arrogance and a sense of self-importance on their part, because they think they are SO GREAT and that you will just be THRILLED and OVER-JOYED to hear from them, they have actually managed to convince themselves that they are actually DOING YOU A FAVOUR by gracing you with their presence for just a few moments. So I imagine it is a HUGE SHOCK to them when, depending on how I feel at the time, I either respond to their contact extremely rudely or otherwise just flat out ignore them. Yeah, don't want their crappy breadcrumbs!
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