about being friends...

[grace777]

Okay, these are the basics: I'm 35 and she's 22. She left for school, but we were together for over 3 years. It was absolutely amazing. School started for her last year, so we were together in-person for the first two years. The LDR part was doable and actually made things pretty romantic. Plus we'd see each other over summer and winter breaks for months on end.

 

But...she suddenly left me for some new "friend" that came into the picture about two weeks after she went back to school. I'm 4 months into the breakup now.

 

We're in very low contact now, and we did the NC thing for a month. We talk periodically and text slightly more, but not even on a weekly basis. So here's my question...

 

I want her to have the experience that most have in their 20's because I don't want her to look back later and regret being with me. So although our love was deep, I didn't fight tons for her. I mostly accepted it (though it hurt) and have been trying to move one. But I sincerely believe our love is meant to be. It was so intense and happy. Honestly, there really was nothing wrong to cause the breakup. We were planning marriage, kids, the future, etc. But then she got lonely and tempted.

 

Here's the complication. We're lesbians and in my conservative and judgmental career, I can't be out with someone still in college, so the relationship was secret the whole time. I couldn't be the girl she had in her fb profile, I couldn't take her home to mom and dad, and neither could she...not until she was in her mid-20's and graduated. Everyone just knew us as close friends.

 

So when she went back to school, she became lonely and this new "friend" made her move. They've been together ever since - now they're discussing marriage, it's their faces in my ex's default pic, she is now her girlfriend, etc. I see that she got lonely and curious. I also know she wanted that ability to be open like that - but it just couldn't happen for the two of us for a couple more years yet. I believe this is why she left. I know that she deserves more. We both do. That was the only part of our relationship that was hard, the secrecy.

 

And I believe she should get all that. She deserves it. She's a wonderful and amazing person and I really want her to be happy. She's also been my best friend and lover for a huge part of my life. And while I know she's not my lover, and may never be again, I really miss the friendship. So we talk.

 

And deep down, I really do hold onto hope that we'll come back together when the timing is better - and the age difference doesn't matter so much. We always planned on when she turned 23 or 24. Now she's with this other woman, who I feel has a hidden agenda and only wants my ex for her looks and her money. The other woman left a committed and even more long term relationship too. In fact, she cheated with my ex. It makes me sick -- I don't trust this girl, but that's not my place...I know (just venting).

 

Anyways, I have allowed and even pursued a friendship with her because I do care so much about her. I also feel that by staying in touch, a couple years down the line, we may have our shot. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stuck on her right now. I am dating, working out, focusing on my career advancement and going out a lot with friends/family. I'm actually (finally) doing quite well. And I have no intention of getting back together, unless the timing was right.

 

When we talk, I feel good...mostly. Sometimes she's open and I can be too, and sometimes it's more closed off and awkward.

 

I don't wish her harm, and I care so much. But I'm wondering what you all think of what I'm doing? I'd love to hear some insight. I feel like I have let go and am moving on, but I just want to keep her in the background as a friend for now. What do you think?

[grace777]

I'm really having a hard time today, for some reason. And I know that many people on this site are adamant about NC. But I do feel like my situation is different.

 

I'd love to hear your opinions. Do you think low contact will work, so we can stay in each other's lives and maintain a friendship? Or is this just holding me back, and making me have days where I feel like I do now?

 

I'm afraid that 100% NC would make me have more of these days and drive me crazy. It did help me at the beginning. I did NC for over a month, but since pre-Christmas it's been different.

 

I thought I was happy and moving on, but the way I feel today begs to differ. I just miss her so much and hate this entire situation. I know it's necessary, but it just sucks.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[grace777]

Thanks so much for the feedback. I've posted a few times, and I haven't gotten much in response. I feel like since I don't hate my ex, and she didn't completely screw me over, the situation is unique.

 

Yes, I hear you about not wanting details. That was the deal for us too, although as you know, she is seeing someone else. However, I did say that I don't want to hear about funny stories between you two, or how happy you are/how in love you feel you are, and I'm not giving relationship advice. This thing with us now is all about the two of us building a friendship - I believe that as strong as our old relationship was, it is over. Anything in the future will be brand new. For now, that means friendship -- and it's a delicate one at this point.

 

One thing that allows me to move on easier than most is that she is out of state 90% of the time. So I don't see her on a regular basis and our friend groups are different. That makes it easy, because I couldn't handle seeing her with her new girlfriend. That would just be too painful.

 

How is it seeing your ex on a weekly basis? Do you want him/her back now, or are you kind of like me...building a friendship for the time being?

[Survivor12]

You don't want to hear the details because you want to maintain a certain level of denial to keep your hope alive and to avoid the pain that reality brings.

 

The reason for NC is to allow time to accept and deal with the loss--in much the same way as dealing with a death. Keeping contact is like loving someone who has gone missing and then feeling a glimmer of hope when hearing of possible sightings only to suffer a tremendous let down when it is discovered to be a false alarm.

 

Having said that, NC is not a cure for the pain and loss. What it does is reduce the length of time it takes to recover and gives you the opportunity to make YOURSELF the focus--to separate yourself from your ex emotionally, to take control and reclaim your life without the distraction of what HE thinks, feels or wants.

 

But it's up to you...

[flitzanu]

Okay, these are the basics: I'm 35 and she's 22. She left for school, but we were together for over 3 years. It was absolutely amazing. School started for her last year, so we were together in-person for the first two years. The LDR part was doable and actually made things pretty romantic. Plus we'd see each other over summer and winter breaks for months on end.

 

But...she suddenly left me for some new "friend" that came into the picture about two weeks after she went back to school. I'm 4 months into the breakup now.

 

We're in very low contact now, and we did the NC thing for a month. We talk periodically and text slightly more, but not even on a weekly basis. So here's my question...

 

I want her to have the experience that most have in their 20's because I don't want her to look back later and regret being with me. So although our love was deep, I didn't fight tons for her. I mostly accepted it (though it hurt) and have been trying to move one. But I sincerely believe our love is meant to be. It was so intense and happy. Honestly, there really was nothing wrong to cause the breakup. We were planning marriage, kids, the future, etc. But then she got lonely and tempted.

 

Here's the complication. We're lesbians and in my conservative and judgmental career, I can't be out with someone still in college, so the relationship was secret the whole time. I couldn't be the girl she had in her fb profile, I couldn't take her home to mom and dad, and neither could she...not until she was in her mid-20's and graduated. Everyone just knew us as close friends.

 

So when she went back to school, she became lonely and this new "friend" made her move. They've been together ever since - now they're discussing marriage, it's their faces in my ex's default pic, she is now her girlfriend, etc. I see that she got lonely and curious. I also know she wanted that ability to be open like that - but it just couldn't happen for the two of us for a couple more years yet. I believe this is why she left. I know that she deserves more. We both do. That was the only part of our relationship that was hard, the secrecy.

 

And I believe she should get all that. She deserves it. She's a wonderful and amazing person and I really want her to be happy. She's also been my best friend and lover for a huge part of my life. And while I know she's not my lover, and may never be again, I really miss the friendship. So we talk.

 

And deep down, I really do hold onto hope that we'll come back together when the timing is better - and the age difference doesn't matter so much. We always planned on when she turned 23 or 24. Now she's with this other woman, who I feel has a hidden agenda and only wants my ex for her looks and her money. The other woman left a committed and even more long term relationship too. In fact, she cheated with my ex. It makes me sick -- I don't trust this girl, but that's not my place...I know (just venting).

 

Anyways, I have allowed and even pursued a friendship with her because I do care so much about her. I also feel that by staying in touch, a couple years down the line, we may have our shot. Don't get me wrong, I'm not stuck on her right now. I am dating, working out, focusing on my career advancement and going out a lot with friends/family. I'm actually (finally) doing quite well. And I have no intention of getting back together, unless the timing was right.

 

When we talk, I feel good...mostly. Sometimes she's open and I can be too, and sometimes it's more closed off and awkward.

 

I don't wish her harm, and I care so much. But I'm wondering what you all think of what I'm doing? I'd love to hear some insight. I feel like I have let go and am moving on, but I just want to keep her in the background as a friend for now. What do you think?

 

if you're concerned that if you fully go NC and stop talking to her, that she wouldn't for some reason remember you, then don't.

 

talking to her and being friends with her right now is basically telling her that her choices are ok, and that you're ok with what she did, which still...was that she left you for someone else after 3 years. that's the bottom line.

 

staying friends with her and thinking this way you'll "be on her mind" isn't going to work out, because now she has this new girlfriend, AND she still has YOU as her friend, so she wins both ways.

 

if she comes back, it will be on her own accord, and doubtfully will have anything to do with you being in contact.

 

not to mention...she can't forget or miss you if you're still around.

[Hopeful714]

she can't forget or miss you if you're still around.

 

Unfortunately many don't when we're gone either.

[grace777]

Thanks for the advice, guys. It really does help put things into perspective. I like hearing the other side of what I'm thinking too.

 

The thing is, I really do not want to be with her right now. The reality is, i still want her to experience the college life fully. She has a couple of years to go, so even if she did decide she wanted me, I wouldn't do it. The same issue would likely come up again and again, because of the distance and difference in where our lives are at this moment in time.

 

What I do want is a friendship with her. And when she's done with school, if we still have feelings for each other, maybe we can give it another shot...we could finally be open, thus eliminating the most difficult component of our relationship.

 

I am not sitting idly by, waiting for this time. I have actually been dating and one person, in particular, is showing real promise. I'm pursuing a promotion in my career, and also being social with friends and family.

 

But admittedly, yes I do still love her. I am not sure if I am in love with her anymore, or what the love is, but I know I love her. And you're right, I do not want to hear about her new relationship. But where you are wrong is in thinking it's because I'm in denial. I'm not. I was, after the first month - honestly until about two months ago. But I have accepted this new relationship of hers. And I really am glad she's happy, although I do not like/trust the other woman or her intentions. I keep my mouth shut - it's not my business.

 

The reason I do not want to hear about the details or see them all lovey-dovey is the same reason I don't want to see that with my ex boyfriend from 7 years ago. It just stings. I'm happy for him too, and TOTALLY over that mistake...

[flitzanu]

Thanks for the advice, guys. It really does help put things into perspective. I like hearing the other side of what I'm thinking too.

 

The thing is, I really do not want to be with her right now. The reality is, i still want her to experience the college life fully. She has a couple of years to go, so even if she did decide she wanted me, I wouldn't do it. The same issue would likely come up again and again, because of the distance and difference in where our lives are at this moment in time.

 

What I do want is a friendship with her. And when she's done with school, if we still have feelings for each other, maybe we can give it another shot...we could finally be open, thus eliminating the most difficult component of our relationship.

 

I am not sitting idly by, waiting for this time. I have actually been dating and one person, in particular, is showing real promise. I'm pursuing a promotion in my career, and also being social with friends and family.

 

But admittedly, yes I do still love her. I am not sure if I am in love with her anymore, or what the love is, but I know I love her. And you're right, I do not want to hear about her new relationship. But where you are wrong is in thinking it's because I'm in denial. I'm not. I was, after the first month - honestly until about two months ago. But I have accepted this new relationship of hers. And I really am glad she's happy, although I do not like/trust the other woman or her intentions. I keep my mouth shut - it's not my business.

 

The reason I do not want to hear about the details or see them all lovey-dovey is the same reason I don't want to see that with my ex boyfriend from 7 years ago. It just stings. I'm happy for him too, and TOTALLY over that mistake...

 

i do admit, i GET what you're saying. though i can't understand what it's like for girls dating girls, i myself have dated girls in that age range while being near your age range, and "wanting her to experience life" makes sense. i can say from my experiences, those girls did go experience life, but i was just an afterthought.

 

call me negative, but i prefer realistic. just dont' keep your hopes too high that she's ever going to come back around.

 

that's just often the LEAST likely outcome. doesn't mean never, just very very rare.

[grace777]

Yeah - I realize that. And reading around on this site helps me see that my feelings are normal...and common. It seems almost all of us believe that what we had was special and unique, and time will tell...blah blah...

 

I'm thinking more and more of cutting all ties. But I just love her so damn much and do want her friendship. Although, I saw tonight that she posted some pictures of her and the new woman on Instagram. I didn't mean to look, it was just in the feed. :/ It kinda tore me up.

 

One step forward, two steps back... again.

 

It did make me realize that I'm not over her. And that was hard for me to swallow. I'm trying to be the mature one, the one with more strength and maturity...I'm older! And I do want to be friends, but yeah, seeing that picture made me feel the way I did a couple of months ago.

 

I'm not sure what I'm doing. Or why anymore. I swear my emotions change on a weekly, if not daily basis.

[grace777]

I'm just waiting for TaraM's slap of reality with a strong urging to follow the "guide" hahha

 

PS - The guide is awesome. I've read it, several times. And I followed it a couple of months ago. And it did help. I just do think my situation is a bit different.

[flitzanu]

haha, well, somehow "maturity" seems to go out the window when it comes to emotions.

 

you don't have to "admit" you're over someone. if you try, you're just not. it sounds like the better option is to cut ties, because otherwise you're constantly two-stepping your feelings. one step forward and two steps back. or whatever.