Not attracted to my hubby.

[jellyco]

You're angry. You're overwhelmed. You're stressed out. You're probably scared too.

 

If you've felt I've attacked you, I'm sorry. The point of my replies to you though is to show you your own reflection, so to speak. You need to SEE what you're doing. You need to really READ what it is you are saying about your husband.

 

The point here is that you needn't apologize for your FEELINGS. You aren't feeling attracted to your husband, and that is making you angry, stressed and scared, even though, according to you, he was practically the same weight when you met. That and this

 

This forum has got me thinking and I remembered two summers ago his parents volunteered to take the kids for a few days (I was pregnant with the 3rd at the time) so that we could get away. He took a few days off from work as did I and we just spent time together. I felt like I was falling in love with him all over again... just that giddy puppy love feeling. This makes me think that there are just so many stressful factors in our lives right now between work and 3 small kids. Perhaps I'm pinpointing my stress into something that's irrelevant, I don't know.

 

makes me believe that his body isn't the central issue here, but it's one that is concrete that you can see plainly so that is what you are going for.

 

I maintain that while you can't control how you FEEL, you CAN control how you ACT and what you SAY. You act as if he will lose weight and correct his hygiene, and everything will be fine. You get angry with him for not exercising and losing weight and overeating, and I and a few others are telling you here, that is not going to work.

 

But, if you think that just ignoring (for lack of a better word) that whole "disgust" issue will actually do some good and somehow motivate him to be a better person, then I say it's worth a try.

 

On the contrary, you need to hit this issue head on, not ignore it. What I've said to you in my last post, and what I'm saying to you now is that the first step to addressing your disgust of your husband's body does not lie with your husband, it lies with YOU. You need to take a serious look at your attitude, because that is a major (not the only) barrier here and it's one that you can solve. Ignoring it is not solving it. Talking your way through the issues and getting to the heart of the matter will be much more likely key to moving forward and (this is the crux of the matter here) addressing your husband's issues in a loving and supporting manner. You're off to a good start here. But right now, YOU don't even know how you feel:

 

I am not mad at my hubby for eating it. I actually never told him that they were for my sister, so how was he supposed to know.

 

and

 

I'm upset because he managed to eat half of a lasagna overnight.

 

and

 

I was very angry that he ate HALF a lasagna. That's incredible. I couldn't believe it.

 

In the space of one paragraph, you went from not being mad to being upset to being very angry! I'm sure you didn't even realize it. But your husband knows. That's what's pertinent here. And you need to recognize it too.

 

Here's something else to ponder:

 

I did call him a fat slob in my initial post and I do feel rather guilty about that,

 

You feel guilty about what you said, but I note in all your posts that you do NOT feel REMORSE. That is probably a good starting point for you to work on. And furthermore, it doesn't matter if you've called him a fat slob to his face. I'm positive he knows how you feel.

 

By the way, I'm not saying to you that your husband gets a free pass. Judging by what you've written here, he's got issues that he needs to address as well. It sounds like he's depressed, and he overeats to medicate his feelings (I don't know, that would be for a professional to diagnose). But he's constantly on the defensive with you, even when you're trying to be gently encouraging, because those ugly feelings in your first post is what's driving your efforts and HE KNOWS IT AND RESISTS IT, because to do what you want him to do would VALIDATE THOSE FEELINGS.

 

Your goal should be to root out your ugly feelings toward your husband, get to the bottom of them and replace them with positive, proactive feelings. Then I think your husband can see you as a wife and partner, and you can both deal with what he needs to deal with and he'll know he's got a loving partner in his corner.

[KraftDinner]

Wow, OP, I'm sorry for what some other posters are saying to you. I disagree with and am very disappointed by some of the assumptions people are making about you.

 

There is nothing in your posts that made me think you were "shallow" or only judged people based on appearances, like some have said. And the implications that you are complaining about someone who works 2 jobs to keep you in some kind of lifestyle...well, you are certainly being a lot more patient than I would be with some of these responses.

 

Your husband is an addict. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert but it is a real condition to be a food addict (google it). When you said he zones out and shovels food in his mouth while seemingly not being aware of his surroundings, this is classic addictive behaviour.

 

And anyone who comes down on you so harshly has clearly never loved an addict. You are frustrated! He's hurting himself and there's nothing you can do about it and meanwhile you're losing the person you thought you married.

 

My guess is that it isn't so much the weight that bothers you (although I GET the lack of attraction) as much as it is the behaviour that is causing it. And the fact that he isn't even taking care of his teeth -- another classic sign of addiction, like he doesn't even think he's worth taking care of.

 

You have a right to be angry. And "spew vitriol" on the internet, as previous posters have stated. Because unlike some here I don't think you've necessarily been insulting to him in person, and it's good to have somewhere to vent.

 

Here's the thing. Nobody can make addicts change. The change has to come from within. The only thing you can do is not to be an 'enabler' and that's not as straightforward as it sounds. He eats big portions, so does that mean you shouldn't have very much food in the house? Maybe, I don't know. I don't have those answers.

 

Have you had a serious heart-to-heart in a non-confrontational way? If not, maybe if you could get away for a few days again...? Sounds like you're both under a lot of stress.

 

Good luck. And don't mind some of the people here. We all have our own issues, after all. I just wish some here didn't think it was ok to be so accusatory and confrontational when it's obviously impossible to know the whole story. Especially when some people are up to things that are a lot less forgiveable than being upset with the man you married. Such as cohorting with someone else's married man.

Edited February 3, 2013 by KraftDinner

[PurpleGal]

And anyone who comes down on you so harshly has clearly never loved an addict. You are frustrated! He's hurting himself and there's nothing you can do about it and meanwhile you're losing the person you thought you married.

 

My guess is that it isn't so much the weight that bothers you (although I GET the lack of attraction) as much as it is the behaviour that is causing it. And the fact that he isn't even taking care of his teeth -- another classic sign of addiction, like he doesn't even think he's worth taking care of.

 

You have a right to be angry. And "spew vitriol" on the internet, as previous posters have stated. Because unlike some here I don't think you've necessarily been insulting to him in person, and it's good to have somewhere to vent.

 

Here's the thing. Nobody can make addicts change. The change has to come from within. The only thing you can do is not to be an 'enabler' and that's not as straightforward as it sounds. He eats big portions, so does that mean you shouldn't have very much food in the house? Maybe, I don't know. I don't have those answers.

 

Have you had a serious heart-to-heart in a non-confrontational way? If not, maybe if you could get away for a few days again...? Sounds like you're both under a lot of stress.

 

Good luck. And don't mind some of the people here. We all have our own issues, after all. I just wish some here didn't think it was ok to be so accusatory and confrontational when it's obviously impossible to know the whole story. Especially when some people are up to things that are a lot less forgiveable than being upset with the man you married. Such as cohorting with someone else's married man.

 

And anyone who's so understanding and sympathetic regarding the OP's harsh attitude has never been so shamed by their spouse about their eating habits that they wanted to crawl into a hole and die. She can do what she wants, but anyone with a clue will tell her anger and criticism simply don't work.

 

OP, why did you feel the need to comfront him about the lasagna? You know he ate it. He knows he ate it. He knows you know he ate it. What did you think that would accomplish? I'm sincerely not trying to dig at you. I think I have a valuable perspective, as I've somewhat been in your husband's shoes. It was more like 30 lbs overweight, but also only around 15 more than the day we met, after 14 years and 2 children. I walked because of the abuse, and haven't looked back.

[KraftDinner]

I don't doubt that it's hard for him. He's clearly in a bad state. But that doesn't mean it's easy for her. They both deserve understanding, not just him. And she's the one that's here. So she shouldn't attack him (true) but it's ok to attack her? She's watching her husband self-destruct. She doesn't have a manual telling her exactly what she should do and it's really hard to know what to do in her shoes. Just telling her that she's wrong and heartless and mean to be frustrated is to really minimize what it must be like to watch her husband slowly killing himself.

[Mr. Lucky]

Just telling her that she's wrong and heartless and mean to be frustrated is to really minimize what it must be like to watch her husband slowly killing himself.

Agreed. When my sister met my BIL (a great guy, whole family loves him), he was a moderate to heavy social drinker, certainly nothing like the alcoholic he is today. As she - and they together - struggle with his drinking, no one has said to her "well, he drank when you met him so you should just understand".

 

As has been detailed in countless LS threads, there's a menu of behaviors that will damage a marriage. Online gaming, social media, computer use, gambling, drugs, drinking - and eating - when pursued to unhealthy excess will push your spouse away.

 

As gently and positively as possible, the OP should tell him how she feels. He needs to understand the impact...

 

Mr. Lucky

[PurpleGal]

Agreed. When my sister met my BIL (a great guy, whole family loves him), he was a moderate to heavy social drinker, certainly nothing like the alcoholic he is today. As she - and they together - struggle with his drinking, no one has said to her "well, he drank when you met him so you should just understand".

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

But...but...that's the whole point! The man was very close to his current weight when they met. Unlike your example, there WASN'T a drastic change. I haven't read anyone saying he shouldn't take care of himself. I think what people have a problem with is the idea of marrying someone a certain way, then turning around and deciding they're not good enough after all. If you think smoking is disgusting, you don't date smokers. To not only date one, but then marry one and then proceed to spend the next x number of years harping on them is incredibly unfair. Why go into a marriage with the idea that your partner needs you to fix them?

[jellyco]

I don't doubt that it's hard for him. He's clearly in a bad state. But that doesn't mean it's easy for her. They both deserve understanding, not just him. And she's the one that's here. So she shouldn't attack him (true) but it's ok to attack her? She's watching her husband self-destruct. She doesn't have a manual telling her exactly what she should do and it's really hard to know what to do in her shoes. Just telling her that she's wrong and heartless and mean to be frustrated is to really minimize what it must be like to watch her husband slowly killing himself.

 

I'd totally agree with this if she had shown any concern about his health until someone called her out on it. For reference, this is her first post:

 

I'm just venting here... not sure that anyone has been in the same boat as I that could offer some solid advice based on experience, but that would be nice.

 

Unfortunately, the sight of my husband's naked body disgusts me. I love him, and I like being with him and talking to him, but when it comes to sex... ewwww. He is about 80 pounds overweight. His weight is not distributed like a normal man's. He carries most of it in his thighs, ass and he's got a spare tire around the mid section. If you were see a picture of him from say the chest upward, you could barely tell he's that overweight.

 

I can't even say that he changed. He's only about 15 pounds heavier than when I first met him. I just fell head over heels for him... hadn't really been in any great relationships before I met him and I still do love him. At first his body didn't really bug me that much. But, I was a long-distance runner (yeah, I know, weird, right... long distance runner meets fat slob and falls in love), but I think that motivated him and he lost about 50 pounds and kept it off for the remainder of our relationship. He was still bigger than your average guy, but not disgusting by my standards.

 

Once we graduated college and he got a job sitting on his ass all day, the weight went right back on plus another 10-15 pounds! This time it BUGS me. I hate it and at first I was subtle, and then I got really mean about it, and that didn't work and always made me feel like crap, so now I just keep it inside and bottle it up. My body isn't the same after 3 kids but I am trying to get back in shape and I do care about my general appearance. He won't try at all. Seriously all he does is sit on his butt because he works on computers workng 2 jobs and he barely moves! He was going for walks during hte warmer weather and that helped him lose a whopping 5 pounds but he eats wayyy too much. You should see his portions! And then when I tell him that he's eating for two he tells me that's how he's always ate. Well, duh, you're not a freaking 20 year old playing football with the boys and lifting weights anymore! It frustrates me sooo much and he doesn't see that he overeats and I'm beginning to resent him. I just hate this so much. Sex is a chore and that's a problem. But, he makes it seem like it's my problem and not his. And of course, he uses the "I was like this when you met me" line, which I can't really argue with! Maybe I've changed as a person I don't know, but it's a problem now!

 

Show me anywhere in that disgusting passage that she shows one iota of concern about her husband's health and well-being? It wasn't about that. It was about her frustration over 'the sight of his naked body'.

 

Yes, she's frustrated and angry and guilty, I get it. That's why people have been giving her advice. But the spiteful, venomous tone of her words shocked a lot of people, for what basically amounts to his overeating and she needs to take responsibility for that attitude if she hopes to communicate what she needs to communicate to her husband. A few (including myself) have said she doesn't love her husband because she doesn't respect him and I stand by that statement. If she loves her husband as she claims she does, then she needs to examine her attitude toward him, because it's clearly hurtful. Shrugging it off, or saying 'I said it in anger, I didn't really mean it' or 'I'm concerned about his health' is no excuse. He will not listen to her as long as she's attacking him.

[foolish1]

Ugh I hope he cheats on you with someone that adores and revels in his body......and I hope shes way hotter than you which causes you to have these same body issues you want your husband to have. You are mean. You are not even worried about his health you are just plain shallow. P.S. what's your husbands number?

[Mr. Lucky]

If you think smoking is disgusting, you don't date smokers. To not only date one, but then marry one and then proceed to spend the next x number of years harping on them is incredibly unfair.

You don't think that non-smokers marry smokers hoping they'll quit? Or that non-users marry drug users hoping they'll give it up? Or that thin people marry over-weight people hoping they'll take their health more seriously? It's very possible to love the sinner but hate the sin, a dance we all do to a greater or lesser extent. The isn't a spouse alive that hasn't thought "he/she is perfect except for..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[PurpleGal]

You don't think that non-smokers marry smokers hoping they'll quit? Or that non-users marry drug users hoping they'll give it up? Or that thin people marry over-weight people hoping they'll take their health more seriously? It's very possible to love the sinner but hate the sin, a dance we all do to a greater or lesser extent. The isn't a spouse alive that hasn't thought "he/she is perfect except for..."

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No, neither I nor anyone with whom I'm close would marry someone with what amounts to a dealbreaker. That makes so sense. And it is a dealbreaker if you cannot let it go. She did not love him when they met, and he was very overweight. Why go on the initial date if you are that repulsed by an overweight man? This wasn't a personality trait that emerged over time. This was evident on day one.

 

Maybe I'm delusional. Do nonsmokers (who have a MAJOR problem with smoking) really start relationships and eventually marriages with smokers, thinking they'll be convinced to quit? Why???

[Mr. Lucky]

Why???

Because you fall in love, you with them and they with you, flaws and all. You don't think that a woman might marry a man whose hobbies include chillin' with friends, weed and video games, hoping that the influences of marriage and children would change and mature him? Happens all the time and with both sexes, especially if you marry in your 20's when you're both transitioning to adulthood...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

OP, since you've asserted that divorce is not an option, what do you feel are your options for addressing this issue? You've outlined some choices which haven't worked so far. What other choices do you see worthy of exploration?

 

I'll second the advice for MC, and with a clinical psychologist. IMO, that's an option worth exploring.

[moomin]

I was the same, I put on about 2 stone and my wife openly told me that she felt like there was a big bear on her and she felt suffocated. I was hurt but I love my partner so I train now and she is happier with my body and to be honest so am I.

[anna121]

 

 

Also, why is he working 2 jobs?

Are you working? It sounds like you have a lot of time on your hands. Maybe you could come up with an idea that would let him not have to work a second job that is on a different schedule than everyone else.

 

 

 

This is what she said:

 

One of the things that he hates is working for a company... he doesn't like being a "pawn" as he says so that his employer can reap the benefits. I know this truly bothers him (I don't understand his anger and frustration behind it, but I do understand his point). He wants to establish his own company. That is what he is trying to do, hence the second job. I actually was against him working the second job because I felt like I was already stressed with the chores, etc. But, now I'm just used to it I suppose. I do work, for those that are curious.

So, it doesn't appear that he's working because she profligate or something like that.

 

Anyway, I think the disgust is not so much at his body (though it doesn't sound great) but at the state of your rel-ship. I think you need to create safe space with someone to talk things out. Or perhaps insist on more alone time.

 

FWIW, I understand being pissed about the lasagne. It's smacking

you in the face with what you are fixated on - his overeating. It's an unattractive habit, for sure. But it's nothing you can really DO anything about. You need to focus on stuff you CAN do something about.

[anna121]

 

OP, why did you feel the need to comfront him about the lasagna? You know he ate it. He knows he ate it. He knows you know he ate it. What did you think that would accomplish? I'm sincerely not trying to dig at you. I think I have a valuable perspective, as I've somewhat been in your husband's shoes. It was more like 30 lbs overweight, but also only around 15 more than the day we met, after 14 years and 2 children. I walked because of the abuse, and haven't looked back.

 

Maybe she was annoyed about it? Is she not supposed to let him know? Why must it accomplish anything, other than letting him know how she feels?

[ltjg45]

You don't think that non-smokers marry smokers hoping they'll quit? Or that non-users marry drug users hoping they'll give it up? Or that thin people marry over-weight people hoping they'll take their health more seriously? It's very possible to love the sinner but hate the sin, a dance we all do to a greater or lesser extent. The isn't a spouse alive that hasn't thought "he/she is perfect except for..."

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I would be an idiot if I (a non-smoker) would marry a female smoker while expecting her to quit.

[ltjg45]

You don't think that a woman might marry a man whose hobbies include chillin' with friends, weed and video games, hoping that the influences of marriage and children would change and mature him?

 

This is why we have a high divorce rate within the U.S.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would be an idiot if I (a non-smoker) would marry a female smoker while expecting her to quit.

Actually I said "hoping", not "expecting". So you're off the hook, no need to be an idiot ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[HurtingHeart1]

..............

Edited February 7, 2013 by HurtingHeart1

[tiredmomma]

Sorry I haven't been on in a few days. Just been busy with life. I have finally had the chance to sit down and read through all the posts. I realize there are many different opinions out there. I will try to address the issues that have come up, but for now I don't have much time so for now I will just tell you what I've been up to.

 

There is a book that my husband has read and referred to numerous times within the last year called "The 4 Hour Work Week" by Timothy Ferris. As I mentioned before, he wants to work for himself and he is trying to start his own company. He has really seemed to gain some respect for this Timothy Ferris fellow- and likes a lot of his ideas. I guess he finds inspiration in him.

 

This same author has also wrote "The 4 Hour Chef" and "The 4 Hour Body". My husband surprisingly bought these on amazon.com (as in on his own). Maybe it was because I haven't been saying anything for the past 6 months? Maybe it IS because I called him out on eating the lasagna and he was embarrassed? I don't know...

 

Backing up, some of your answers have made me look at him in a different light (this was as of a week or maybe a little less ago, the last time I posted). I tried to remember all the things that caused me to love him in the first place. Though I find loving him not as easy as it used to be for all the things previously mentioned (stress, his deterioration of health, feeling alone in raising the kids), I tried very hard and I think that it has helped just keep a positive vibe in our relationship. Because although I wasn't saying anything, I can't promise that I wasn't giving signals with body language. I am not saying I intended to do so- but it has just been something that crossed my mind.

 

Anyways, to make a long story short. For the past 6 days (not many, but it's a start) we have been making healthy meals together using the "slow carb diet" from the book he purchased. He has also been exercising (I'm guessing because of the other book- the 4 hour work out). I think that everything happens for a reason, and though I'm not getting my hopes up too high (because it takes much longer to establish a habit), I am trying to encourage this habit not necessarily verbally, but rather by doing this with him and eating the same foods he is eating. I was always cooking "healthy" before, so that hasn't changed (as I like to eat healthy), but now HE has established rules that we have to follow (not the kids though- they'd starve) and I jumped on board with him.

 

Also, to whomever mentioned that divorce rates were so high... I didn't think it was because people change their attitudes after they've married, I thought it was because so many people on LS tell you to leave your husband ;-) (Just my experience)...to be continued...

[tiredmomma]

So, first of all, back to Jellyco... when you wrote that he wouldn't change for me because that would be validating my (angry) feelings... a light went on for me. I guess you might think that anyone with a brain would see that, but I had never looked at it that way before. I am very glad I stumbled across this forum for a number of reasons, and that one line is one of those reasons. I will always consider that, and although I'm pretty sure you think I'm lousy, I still thank you for that insight.

 

I think what it comes down to is that a number of you have never been in my shoes and you find it easy to judge. For example, last night I was watching Downton Abbey (you can judge me for that, too ;-)) and there was a scene where the family heir came back from WWI with spinal damage and would never walk again... he let his fiance go because he didn't want to put a burden on the rest of her life. And here I am thinking, if my husband was in some horrific accident and he couldn't walk anymore I'd stay and I'd still love him, no matter what.

Then, I come here and read some of the responses, and some of you are saying you'd love your husband no matter what- thin, fat, no teeth, whatever. That's great! And it occurs to me...just as I'd like to think I'd still feel that everyone would still be honkey dory if my hubby were to end up in wheelchair, I do not know of the burden that comes with taking care of someone and being married to someone in that condition. An extreme example? Maybe. But if you've never been in my shoes how can I really validate your advice when you only have negative things to say? Or are you only here to try to make me feel bad?

 

The will. (Yes, I'm going way back). Well, when you put it that way, yes, we should have one (I believe I'm referring to FitChick- I'll have to figure out how to quote in a moment)... I thought you meant only get a will as a scare tactic.. but yes, we should probably have one. I just didn't want to get one ONLY for the sake of scaring some sense into him. That is what seemed extreme but we do have kids and a house, so yes, that is something that is on my mind.

 

KraftDinner and Mr. Lucky- I so appreciated seeing you both on here :-) This is my first time posting on the forum, so I'm glad that if I ever have an issue again I just might come back :-) . I have a very thick skin and I am very patient, so I have either laughed or ignored some of the posts, but there have been some that have offered some good advice between the lines so I am focusing on the positives.

 

As for the rest of you I can't really answer your question. I just fell in love with him. I loved his intelligence, his smile, his handyman capabilities, his taste in music, his personality. I just fell head over heels for him. Sure, he was 15 lbs lighter than he is now... and that isn't much difference, I totally get that. I don't know how it's more complicated than that, but it is. I wish I had better answers. Also, he started losing weight within a month after we first started dating. I believe he lost something to the tune of 50 pounds. We attended a big university together (this was 10 years ago now) and we walked all over the place. We walked from our apartment to class. He lifted weights- back when we were in college we DID have a gym membership together. He biked everywhere, too!

 

We get married. Best day of my life (second to my kid's birthdays... a very, very close second ;-)). We had been into the "real world" for 4 months when we got married. He got a job at a company as a software developer. He sits on his ass all day, literally, and types code on a computer... for two jobs as he's working on his own start up company. He had already gained about 20 pounds back by the time of our wedding day. When our first daughter was born one year later, he had gained an additional 50 pounds or so. So, within about a year and half we'll say, he gained a LOT of weight. I KNOW that he was just 15 pounds shy of that when we first met. Maybe I'm terrible that I saw past his weight at first, and that now the "puppy love" has died off. I don't know. He is different though. Ever since he got a "real" job out of college. He's a hard worker but I can tell you he doesn't like the 60 hour work weeks (thats just one job)- which BELIEVE me has not been easy on either of us!!

 

I guess it's no use going into my whole life story just to explain myself. I think what it comes down to is that he has changed (and maybe I have, too, but I think I've made it obvious I am not the best at self-reflection).

 

Kraft Dinner as far as depression goes...I think you may hav ea point. He has lost his spark, he eats sooo damn much, he doesn't take care of himself. Somedays he doesn't even get dressed in the morning. But when I ask him if everything is OK he says "yes, just busy". He still laughs and smiles. I don't know the signs of depression. Somedays we're joking together and laughing and having good conversations and some days we're arguing about who does more dishes, but I thought that was part of being married! The overeating thing... I did google it and he does seem to have some signs but I think others he could easily hide from me.

Should I bring this up to him? He does get defensive with me... it's hard.

 

One of the things he (we) like about this diet he found in the books I mentioned earlier was that you basically eat very little carbohydrates for 6 days, (the "slow carb diet"- can't eat dairy, either.. it's been rough) and then on the 7th day you can eat whatever you want! I know, sounds crazy, but supposedly it keeps your body from going into starvation mode to keep your metabolism up. TODAY was the 7th day and... I won't even tell you what he ate. But he's been doing so good the past 6 days, and heck, the book says you can, so... I guess it's OK? But, it just might stick this time because of that 7th day freebie. He has been unsuccessful dieting. I don't think he's ever actually tried dieting before now that I think about it...

[jellyco]

So, first of all, back to Jellyco... when you wrote that he wouldn't change for me because that would be validating my (angry) feelings... a light went on for me. I guess you might think that anyone with a brain would see that, but I had never looked at it that way before. I am very glad I stumbled across this forum for a number of reasons, and that one line is one of those reasons. I will always consider that, and although I'm pretty sure you think I'm lousy, I still thank you for that insight.

 

On the contrary, it takes real hard life experience to realize 'that he wouldn't change for me because that would be validating my (angry) feelings...' Most people do not get this concept without practical experience and many people never get this concept.

 

For the record, I don't think you're lousy. I think a big part of you is scared that you're losing your attraction to your husband and that fear is driving some of your ugly feelings. You need to confront those feelings first. I stated that you have no respect for your husband, and based on your writings, I stand by that assessment, and that is where you should focus yourself first and foremost. Good luck.

[zackburnet]

You need to respect your husband