Not attracted to my hubby.

[tiredmomma]

I'm just venting here... not sure that anyone has been in the same boat as I that could offer some solid advice based on experience, but that would be nice.

 

Unfortunately, the sight of my husband's naked body disgusts me. I love him, and I like being with him and talking to him, but when it comes to sex... ewwww. He is about 80 pounds overweight. His weight is not distributed like a normal man's. He carries most of it in his thighs, ass and he's got a spare tire around the mid section. If you were see a picture of him from say the chest upward, you could barely tell he's that overweight.

 

I can't even say that he changed. He's only about 15 pounds heavier than when I first met him. I just fell head over heels for him... hadn't really been in any great relationships before I met him and I still do love him. At first his body didn't really bug me that much. But, I was a long-distance runner (yeah, I know, weird, right... long distance runner meets fat slob and falls in love), but I think that motivated him and he lost about 50 pounds and kept it off for the remainder of our relationship. He was still bigger than your average guy, but not disgusting by my standards.

 

Once we graduated college and he got a job sitting on his ass all day, the weight went right back on plus another 10-15 pounds! This time it BUGS me. I hate it and at first I was subtle, and then I got really mean about it, and that didn't work and always made me feel like crap, so now I just keep it inside and bottle it up. My body isn't the same after 3 kids but I am trying to get back in shape and I do care about my general appearance. He won't try at all. Seriously all he does is sit on his butt because he works on computers workng 2 jobs and he barely moves! He was going for walks during hte warmer weather and that helped him lose a whopping 5 pounds but he eats wayyy too much. You should see his portions! And then when I tell him that he's eating for two he tells me that's how he's always ate. Well, duh, you're not a freaking 20 year old playing football with the boys and lifting weights anymore! It frustrates me sooo much and he doesn't see that he overeats and I'm beginning to resent him. I just hate this so much. Sex is a chore and that's a problem. But, he makes it seem like it's my problem and not his. And of course, he uses the "I was like this when you met me" line, which I can't really argue with! Maybe I've changed as a person I don't know, but it's a problem now!

[jellyco]

I'm just venting here... not sure that anyone has been in the same boat as I that could offer some solid advice based on experience, but that would be nice.

 

Unfortunately, the sight of my husband's naked body disgusts me. I love him, and I like being with him and talking to him, but when it comes to sex... ewwww. He is about 80 pounds overweight. His weight is not distributed like a normal man's. He carries most of it in his thighs, ass and he's got a spare tire around the mid section. If you were see a picture of him from say the chest upward, you could barely tell he's that overweight.

 

I can't even say that he changed. He's only about 15 pounds heavier than when I first met him. I just fell head over heels for him... hadn't really been in any great relationships before I met him and I still do love him. At first his body didn't really bug me that much. But, I was a long-distance runner (yeah, I know, weird, right... long distance runner meets fat slob and falls in love), but I think that motivated him and he lost about 50 pounds and kept it off for the remainder of our relationship. He was still bigger than your average guy, but not disgusting by my standards.

 

Once we graduated college and he got a job sitting on his ass all day, the weight went right back on plus another 10-15 pounds! This time it BUGS me. I hate it and at first I was subtle, and then I got really mean about it, and that didn't work and always made me feel like crap, so now I just keep it inside and bottle it up. My body isn't the same after 3 kids but I am trying to get back in shape and I do care about my general appearance. He won't try at all. Seriously all he does is sit on his butt because he works on computers workng 2 jobs and he barely moves! He was going for walks during hte warmer weather and that helped him lose a whopping 5 pounds but he eats wayyy too much. You should see his portions! And then when I tell him that he's eating for two he tells me that's how he's always ate. Well, duh, you're not a freaking 20 year old playing football with the boys and lifting weights anymore! It frustrates me sooo much and he doesn't see that he overeats and I'm beginning to resent him. I just hate this so much. Sex is a chore and that's a problem. But, he makes it seem like it's my problem and not his. And of course, he uses the "I was like this when you met me" line, which I can't really argue with! Maybe I've changed as a person I don't know, but it's a problem now!

 

Wow. The vitriol pouring out of you is palpable. 'I love my husband, but he disgusts me'? 'I got really mean about it'? 'Fat slob'? 'Seriously all he does is sit on his butt because he works on computers workng 2 jobs and he barely moves!' 'You should see his portions!'

 

Newsflash...

 

You don't love your husband.

 

You obviously have no respect for him.

 

And he knows within an inch how you feel about him. Don't kid yourself.

 

Yes, he should get fit... because of his health and well-being, not for you.

 

Since your husband is disgusting to you, and according to you, you 'love him', you should let him go and let him find someone who's going to love and respect him for who he is.

[imtooconfused]

tiredmomma, Welcome to LS. You are most welcome to vent.

 

I'm kind of there with you. In my case there are a lot of separate issues involved but certainly this is one of them. I don't have animosity towards my partner as you seem to have. I could say she complains a lot about not getting enough activity while sitting around all day, but in my case that doesn't make the situation any better. She manages to find a way to be the victim in her weight issues if she doesn't outright blame me for them.

 

But that does not change the fact that physical attraction is no longer present. I question if I was blinded in the past but looking at pictures of earlier times helps me to know that I could still be happy with my partner today if the situation was different. Feel free to judge me for not being a supportive partner. I have tried hard to help but support is a two way street and there have been issues on my side where support was not returned.

 

I don't have any advice for you myself, so I hope others have better answers for you.

[whichwayisup]

Imagine your husband saying that same stuff about you. God forbid you ever put on weight! I'm sure you would feel so hurt and feel bad if your husband felt as you do and said the things you've said about him.

 

He probably knows how you feel, and I'm sure he isn't too pleased that he's put on weight. So instead of being mean and disrespectful, ENCOURAGE him. Go walking with him, join a gym, play tennis together or squash. Change eating habits, etc..etc..

 

I know you're venting but your words are quite harsh and there's a lot of anger behind them. You sure you actually love him? Seems like you don't.

[tiredmomma]

Well, now that I'm not as angry as I was last night- hear me out. I reread my post and I get why most of you might jump to the conclusion that I don't love him. First it was concern, then resentment, and now anger. I know my choice of words were not the kindest and I can't say I've ever called him a "fat slob" in person, nor would I want to. You don't have to believe me when I say that I love him, but I do. I would never want to hurt him. He is letting his health deteriorate before my eyes. When he said that he wanted to start walking over the summer, it was because he wanted to be able to throw a ball with his son, etc. (Though our son is only 3 so we've got some time before the roughhousing begins).

 

He has horrible sleeping habits. He falls asleep at 3 am. He is on the computer until then. Then he wakes up at 9 am and starts work. He rarely helps out with kids/chores and catches up on sleep during the weekends so maybe some of my anger is stemming from these issues. All I ever see him do is sleep and look at a computer screen. That, with me doing all the work, and him being overweight=anger.

 

As far as cooking I know he has midnight meals when we're sleeping. Also, he often eats out with friends when he is at work. I'm not sure how healthy he easts when he's at restaurants with his buddies. I've joked with him that he goes into a food trance when he eats. He zones into the meal and just devours, it's like he's hypnotized and does not realize how much he is consuming. Now it's kind of a turn off, not a joke. So, he loves food, has no desire to exercise, has horrible sleeping habits, doesn't help out with the household as much as I would like... he's developed poor dental hygiene since we've been married, gained weight, and he's even developed kyphosis, a visible slump in his upper back that wasn't there before because he's constantly hunched over at the computer... and somehow I'm supposed to be OK with this?

[Mint Sauce]

is he perhaps depressed? Lack of will power, eating disorder, escape behavior (online)...

[TigerCub]

TiredMomma,

 

If you're doing all the chores - that means you go the grocery shopping AND the cooking.

 

That means you control what kinds of foods are in the house and what kinds of foods he's eating...At least at home.

 

That's HUGE (no pun intended) - honestly, that's major. Even if he eats lunch out with his buddies - if he is eating healthy the rest of the time - that might help balance things out a bit more.

 

But nagging him about how much he eats and how fat he is - is just terrible. I would hate to live in a house where I'm being judged and I'd feel like I can't eat anything, I'm being watched and scrutinized.

Honestly, I wouldn't stay in a place like that after such an incident.

 

I'm not saying you can't talk to your husband, but you should do it gently.

 

You said it yourself, you're not in the same shape as you were before having the 3 kids, how would you like it if he was like "Hey! How come you don't have a flat tummy like you used to? How come your ass has gotten bigger? You weren't like that when I met you, at least I am relatively like I was when we got married!!! Don't eat that? You're eating HOW MUCH?!! OMG"

 

come on now, have some tact and sensitivity.

 

Curious, do you work?

[Mint Sauce]

When that happens I bet he suddenly loses the weight.

 

Yeah, he should lose weight but my guess is he's finding comfort in food,

 

If he was obese before the relationship, his issues/depression are more deeply rooted, and it seems unfair to me to blame the OP for that.

 

It is not her responsibility to get him out of his depression, if he has one.

 

He should seek help.

 

And perhaps that alone would suffice for OP to have some faith in possible improvement.

[AlexDP]

OP,

 

screw what they're saying. He's obese, you're disgusted by it. That's the bottom line. You can't not be disgusted, it's not a choice. But it is a problem. How are you going to deal with it?

[tiredmomma]

I've always wondered if he might be depressed... I know you would think the signs would be more clear. He does laugh and he we are able to have good conversations, etc.

 

Divorce is not an option. I wouldn't divorce someone because they are fat. And just to be clear, I don't nag him. I tried that once, and like I said initially, I felt crummy after... as you can probably tell it didn't go down well. I just want him to care about his health... and yes, it would make feel like sex was less of a chore.

 

One of the things that he hates is working for a company... he doesn't like being a "pawn" as he says so that his employer can reap the benefits. I know this truly bothers him (I don't understand his anger and frustration behind it, but I do understand his point). He wants to establish his own company. That is what he is trying to do, hence the second job. I actually was against him working the second job because I felt like I was already stressed with the chores, etc. But, now I'm just used to it I suppose. I do work, for those that are curious.

 

About the 5 pounds he lost while walking- true, I may be belittling his efforts, but my point is that he would walk religiously every day, but then just eat more because of it. It was frustrating for him (and me). I DID encourage him and told him it looked like he had lost weight (which it did look like he had)... that's when he told me that he had only lost 5 pounds. I figured maybe he was burning fat and gaining muscle and that's why it was so little. Because he had only lost 5 pounds, he stopped walking. I told him that wasn't the answer and to lose weight he should eat at most what he had been eating before he started walking, not more since that would counteract his efforts.

 

He has tried, but in his mind he has failed. I have tried to do things with him. We ran a road race together and that was fun. He is not a fast runner and I am usually competitive, but I was just so thrilled he was doing it that I didn't care about times I just stayed with him at his pace, walking when he needed to, etc. I was so happy just to be doing that with him. But, after the race he stopped running. That was 4 years ago and that was the last time he ever did anything like that.

 

I have tried to encourage him, go on family walks, etc. He is often so busy with work that he is reluctant to take time out of his day. I just feel stuck. I'm not going to divorce him. I know that he CAN lose weight because like I said he lost 50 pounds and kept it off, but then gained it back within a matter of 4 months. Maybe I'm a heartless beeotch, I don't know, but I wish he would do something! I'm frustrated because I really can't make him do anything, I just watch things get worse.

 

I have also tried talking to him gently (this has been going on for 6 years now). He told me he hates the way he looks and he knows how I feel. I guess I am hurt because even though he knows/feels these things, he still does not make it a priority? He is my husband and though I sense some of you might disagree with this, he should care what I think!

[Darren Steez]

With the best will in the world, things are not as black and white as you think.

 

The man works hard, he hates his job, he's trying but things are getting on top of him.

 

I used to be big (fat) whatever you want to call it. I never showed it bothered me in public but it did. It's not easy to change the habits of a lifetime, it's even harder when you don't like yourself (as your husband put it). It's even harder when you know the woman you love thinks you're disgusting.

 

Do you think he doesn't notice? Do you think he doesn't know..the subtle hints, the 2x4's, he knows how you feel. It's defeating, soul crushing, so he retreats to his comforts, the things that don't judge him, the things that give him pleasure after a long day of working for people he doesn't like, his dreams of establishing his own company so far from reach.

 

It took a cheating girlfriend to finally see I was not loving myself, doing right by myself, so when my mind was ready I started the change, eating better, working out everyday, small steps at a time. There are always relapses because life always throws you curveballs but you jump over them and keep going..one day at a time.

 

The language you used in the original post was eye opening. It's not simply a case of choice of words, but the pure venom and vitriol that spewed forth was really stunning. You made it sound like he disgusts you.

 

He disgusts you.

 

Think about the enormity of that word and everything it encompasses.

 

Your husband takes off his clothes in front of you and he knows you think he's disgusting.

 

Your husband needs your love not your anger. Cook healthier meals. Go out walking with him, hold his hand, show him you love him and are willing to support him in life.

 

I'm sure he doesn't want to have a "fat ass". I'm sure he wants to be sexy for the woman he married and works hard for.

[subliminal]

It sounds like it's time for you to start thinking about trading up.

 

smdh!!!

 

if you love him you will do whatever it takes to help him. you have to be open and you two need to comunicate this. if you cant be real with each other you both might need to trade up!

[jellyco]

OP,

 

screw what they're saying. He's obese, you're disgusted by it. That's the bottom line. You can't not be disgusted, it's not a choice. But it is a problem. How are you going to deal with it?

 

If she's disgusted with his appearance, then she's disgusted. That's a feeling, and generally people don't have a lot of control over how they feel. What she does have control over, however, is how she expresses that disgust to her husband. Thus far, based on her posts, and especially her first one, is that she attacks, and then throws up her hands and say 'hey, I didn't really mean that, I do love him... but hey, he is fat, and eats too much etc, so you know...'

 

If I had no other context at hand, I'd say that first post was written by a 15 year old.

 

'Eeeeeewwww...'

 

Really?

 

If OP values her marriage as much as she says she does, then she needs to grow up and fast. And that means canning the catty remarks, both on internet forums and in her own head, and start RESPECTING her husband. Love and respect are inseparable, and she clearly doesn't respect him, so therefore she clearly doesn't love him.

 

Yes, she is disgusted by her husband's naked body. That's a challenge and to be honest, since she says divorce is not an option, I'm not sure how she's going to deal with that. She has dealt with that thus far by attempting to change her husband. This will not work. She doesn't try to change her husband; she needs to change herself, because she is the one variable in this scenario she has control over.

 

Because I guarantee you, knowing that his wife thinks he's disgusting, the husband will NOT lose weight for her. Period. Not going to happen. No matter what appeals she makes to him, she is the enemy to him, an enemy that is fought with food she hates and the solace of the computer.

 

And do you know why? Because it will never be enough for her. He can lose all the weight she wants him to, and she'll move onto something else about him. Because she's made it clear he's not good enough now, and if she cannot accept him today, chances are slim that she ever will.

 

Should OP's husband get fit (different than 'lose weight', since weight loss isn't necessarily healthy in and of itself)? Yes, I think so. A fit person is less depressed, more energetic and all of that. But 2 things:

 

• He must CHOOSE to get fit.
  
• She needs to stop attacking him and start ACCEPTING him, for who he is TODAY, because the attacks are sabotaging those efforts.
  

 

If she cannot do that sincerely, they need to split, so he has the opportunity to find someone who CAN love and respect him for who he is and can help nurture a more healthy lifestyle, should he choose to pursue that route. IF she loves him as she says she does, that is the best outcome for all involved.

[Yellowteacup]

Wow, folks are harsh in here! Ouch!

 

It happens to a lot of couples who find themselves in a physical/mental funk due to finances, children, etc. Maybe it's time to seek some sort of MC and look into what is causing the real issues to your marriage.

[Sparty97]

Aside from the hateful language in the OP of this thread, the thing that struck me was that there was not a single mention of her worrying about his health. It was all about how his looks/body made her feel. Shallow.

[pinkie]

I actually understand the 'disgust'... I was in a relationship once where I could hardly stand to listen to the man breathe! It was over.

 

In this instance, tiredmomma... you chose 'for better or for worse'. I see where you say divorce is not an option. That's great, but you are so miserable. As I'm sure your hubby is. The only other options I can think of are:

 

1) stop having sex

2) sit down with him and tell him that you are concerned for his health and that he needs to get a physical. Maybe then with the urging of his doctor will he actually do something about it.

3) throw all of the bad food in the house away. It will benefit the whole family. Eat only raw fruits and vegetables, lean proteins and no refined sugars. By low fat, low calorie foods and make the change yourself.

 

I wish you the best luck in the world. If you both can commit to making a healthy change in lifestyle, nothing but good can come of it.

[FitChick]

Go to Legal Zoom or whatever that website is and make our both of your wills. Ask him what type of funeral he wants to have. Tell him you accept his choice to remain obese and are fine with it but he will be dying in the near future and you need to think of the welfare of yourself and your child. Make sure he has life insurance that will pay off the house when he dies. Perhaps then he might wake up and decide to do something constructive about his health. If not, at least you will be prepared and taken care of. Everyone should make out a will regardless.

[Mr. Lucky]

In this instance, tiredmomma... you chose 'for better or for worse'

 

Saying you're committed to the marriage "for better or worse" isn't handing our spouses a blank check to engage in any behavior they choose. The responsibility goes both ways and any excessive indulgence or activity - food included - can damage the relationship. Gently tell him that you'd be more attracted to him if he worked on his weight. He might ask for something in return ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tiredmomma]

Though I tend to agree that some of the posts are harsh, I can't say I didn't expect that. Next time I will not write a post out of anger. That in itself was immature. What I didn't expect was for some people to assume things about my life beyond what I've revealed here but it's human nature, I suppose. In any case I'm seeing through the harshness and trying to get at some advice.

 

In a way the harshness has actually helped me- as a wake up call. Maybe I needed to hear from complete strangers that I was being out of line, and some good points have been made...the respect issue is difficult because when I married him I did respect him, but he was a different person then. He has seemed to let himself go. This is now my 4th post chiming in, and if I didn't make it clear that I was concerned about his health, then let me make it clear now. If over the last 6 years he has thrown his health out the window, what do I expect for the future? I can't say, but is very worrisome especially because we have 3 kids together.

 

I should also mention that we don't have junk food in the house...or maybe rephrase that to say RARELY. My brothers actually complain that we don't have chips or cookies when they come to visit. Nor are we big soda drinkers. It's not WHAT he eats it's how much he eats (at least a home anyways). He has excessively large portions of meals. The closest thing you'll find to sweets in my home is granola bars.

 

Jellyco did make good points though. He clearly isn't going to do it for me... and he's not going to give into my anger. So, I'm not coming here to be judged and to be told how terrible I am. You can continue to do that if you so please but I'm skimming through the junk to try to find some good out of this. My parents had a terrible marriage... they are still married because it was their 2nd marriage for each of them and I guess they didn't want to go through it again. So, perhaps I didn't have the best role models. What words and phrases do you suppose I could use to really get through to him? The will idea is a little too extreme for me, personally, though who knows maybe one day it would come to that? I appreciate the advice anyhow.

Edited February 3, 2013 by tiredmomma

[FitChick]

Making out a will is too extreme? You are married with kids. Do you not own any property? In some states if you don't have a will, the state gets everything. Everyone should have a will.

 

If you have a mortgage, you need life insurance to pay off the house if the main breadwinner drops dead. It's common sense. I assumed everyone knew this.

[PurpleGal]

I understand that preferences are just that - preferences. They can't really be helped. But why on earth did you begin dating him in the first place? It's completely unfair to put him down for being 15 pounds heavier than when you met, after how many years? MOST people put on a little weight in a long-term marriage. It's part of aging. If you have a problem with th the weight he started out at, that's on you.

 

If things go the way they did for me, I'll tell you what will happen. One day he'll wake up and realize your emotional abuse has done nothing but hurt him and hinder the self-esteem needed for lasting change. He'll realize the problem is YOU, not him, there are people in the world who will love him the way he deserves, and he will dump you. You'll quickly see what you've lost, but by then it will be too late. Or perhaps you think a "fat slob" has no other options? Don't bet on it.

[darkmoon]

one person cannot sleep with another person who is revolting, nobody here actually has to sleep with a Homer Simpson lookalike

[Steen719]

It sounds like it's time for you to start thinking about trading up.

 

Trading someone who is overweight, but loves you and works 2 jobs for his family for someone who is thin is not necessarily trading up.

 

OP, if you truly love your h, then it is time to take the bull by the horns and tell him that you love him and want to help him get healthy for himself and for your relationship. You do not have to concentrate on his weight, but more for his health and his ability to stay alive for his kids (or kid). But don't nag him about his weight. It is like a smoker who is constantly told it is bad for him. They know it.

 

Above all, try to determine if you really love your H. If not, then it won't matter if he is heavy or not and you know what you need to do. If you think of cheating, remember this. If he has issues already with his self-image, you will destroy what he has left. If you love him, build him up. Any man who is working 2 jobs for his family has something going for him. There are a lot of dead beats out there and a lot of them are thin. :lmao:

(laughing, of course).

 

Good luck.

[jellyco]

What words and phrases do you suppose I could use to really get through to him? The will idea is a little too extreme for me, personally, though who knows maybe one day it would come to that? I appreciate the advice anyhow.

 

What words and phrases do you use? There are no magic words and phrases where someone is just going to magically lose weight because you want them to.

 

You're too goal-oriented here. The first step in all of this isn't him... it's YOU.

 

YOU need to change your attitude toward your husband, because if you go back and reread your first post, I guarantee you he knows you feel those exact things about him. And he will not lose weight (or if he does, he'll put it back on again) for you, because he'll know it's YOUR disgust and shame that is at the root of it, not his health.

 

As I said, if you say you love your husband, and you say divorce is not an option, you need to start showing him love and respect TODAY, irrespective of how he looks. Right now, he doesn't trust you emotionally. How can he?

 

As I said, reread your first post. Really read it. Wow.

 

If someone I loved said that about me, I don't know what I'd do, but I don't think I'd be receptive to her 'suggestions', because IMO that would be validating that hurtful diatribe.

 

I can't even say that he changed. He's only about 15 pounds heavier than when I first met him. I just fell head over heels for him...

 

So what's changed? Was that 15 lbs enough to push you over the edge, or is there something else that's changed with YOUR attitude? My money is on the latter, for what it's worth. And what that must be like for him? You accepted him for who was was then, and how you're furiously trying to get him to lose weight? What's the motivation? Are you ashamed of him? Are you angry he's not helping out more around the house? It's useful to ask yourself honestly, because it may not be his weight that's the primary issue here.

 

There is a lot of pain here that needs to be healed, BEFORE your husband addresses his health. After that, eating right and exercise is difficult when someone is working two jobs. This is probably a huge reason as well he is lacking energy, especially if it is jobs he hates. Sleep is obviously affected as well, and that's another strike. Stress is another big factor. Hopefully all that work is temporary and he can go back to a more forgiving work/life balance and then he can address his fitness issues.

 

But, and this is where the rubber meets the road, Tiredmamma, if you LOVE and RESPECT your husband, you need to be prepared for the fact that he may NEVER lose the weight you want him to, and not necessarily for a lack of trying on his part. Can you love and respect him, regardless of that? If you can't, as I've advised you, divorce may be the better option, because that will afford HIM the opportunity to find a mate that will love, respect and cherish him, in spite of (and maybe even because of) the things that seem to make you so turned off and angry.

[tiredmomma]

You make some good points.

This could very well be a change in my attitude.

This change came about when our daughter was first born, or at least around the same time, I think. In any case it was definitely after having kids that I started to get upset.

I do love him. We have great conversations, he makes me laugh, he is very, very intelligent. I can't even tell you how smart he is- it's kind of scary in a way. And I admire that about him. I know nobody is perfect.

To be clear.. my first post was initiated because I had spent the better of 5 hours making a few meals for my sister who has a two week old baby (a whoops baby at 40). This is her 4th and she is completely overwhelmed and borderline depressed IMO. So, I was making her a few meals to help lighten the load. I was going to go over there and do some laundry for her, etc. I pulled out my stacks of aluminum baking pans from the fridge and headed over. She requested lasagna for l lunch. When I peeled back the lid, the lasagna was half gone.

I am not mad at my hubby for eating it. I actually never told him that they were for my sister, so how was he supposed to know. I'm upset because he managed to eat half of a lasagna overnight. I went to bed at 10pm, and he was not home yet. When I left my house to go to my sister's the next morning at 9 am, he was still sleeping. I confronted him about it when I got home later that evening when I came home, he said he couldn't stop eating and apologized. I know he didn't realize it was for my sister, so I couldn't be mad. I was very angry that he ate HALF a lasagna. That's incredible. I couldn't believe it. I thought I was going crazy when I opened it up at my sister's house. I didn't realize beforehand because it was in between two other meals and he had put it back in his place, right in the middle. Just astonishing. This really frustrated me, I googled to see if anyone else was in the same situation I was. And decided to come here. I was very, very upset. That is true. I did call him a fat slob in my initial post and I do feel rather guilty about that, but I tend to "speak" more freely and loose of tongue when on an internet forum and not speaking directly to my husband. However I understand your point that it was still feelings coming through and they were not loving feelings. I guess I didn't feel love for him at the time- you can interpret that however you wish.

 

I guess what I'm taking away from the advice here on the forum at this point is that my words are not going to do anything. There is nothing I should say addressing his weight, and I should just rekindle our love and see what happens there. I can't argue that there would be anything wrong with that. I do think that there are many issues involved here. This forum has got me thinking and I remembered two summers ago his parents volunteered to take the kids for a few days (I was pregnant with the 3rd at the time) so that we could get away. He took a few days off from work as did I and we just spent time together. I felt like I was falling in love with him all over again... just that giddy puppy love feeling. This makes me think that there are just so many stressful factors in our lives right now between work and 3 small kids. Perhaps I'm pinpointing my stress into something that's irrelevant, I don't know. I do know that I am not physically attracted to my husband, that I want him to be active, and to care about his health. The whole giving up on taking care of his teeth= very bad breath which he didn't have before (we're talking kitty litter breath here- at least in my mind that's what it's reminded me of), he is slouched and constantly on his computer, which turns me off. I am not attracted to him. It's hard to pretend to be.

 

But, if you think that just ignoring (for lack of a better word) that whole "disgust" issue will actually do some good and somehow motivate him to be a better person, then I say it's worth a try. I just don't know he'll stop the overeating thing... I don't know. It seems to be engrained in him. As if he has no self control. I guess there is just a lot to think about here.

 

Anyways to answer your question, right now I do not really say anything to him. That wasn't always the case, but now I just don't know what to say. I feel like I've said it all- nice things, encouraging things, nasty things (which were short lived because as I said- didn't go down too well, and in hindsight- what on earth did I expect), told him he eats too much considering he has a sedentary job (which I suppose some might classify as "nasty")... and now, I can say I haven't said anything for 6 months. I've given up. I have been bottling some of it in, living "peacefully" with it some times, and one time I decided to come here to squash my anger.