He keeps asking what I've been up to, who I'm hanging out with. Friendly chit chat?

[Cam116]

I know I'm asking for it with this one

 

Someone please talk some sense into me. I know I'm thinking irrationally right now, so I need a cyber slap in the face Anyway, ex and I had been dating for 5 years, he broke up with 7 weeks ago due to falling out of love, we split amiably, hung out last weekend to catch up and we had a great time. Anytime I've talked to him, including when we met face to face, he's always asking what I'm up to over the weekend, who I'm hanging out with etc. He just stopped by the apartment to pick up some papers he needed, and we just had friendly chit chat for a few minutes, but he was asking those questions again. I told him I was out horse shopping today, and he was like "who were you doing that with?". And he asked me how the bar was last night that I went to, he most likely knew about that from seeing pictures on facebook. He commented on another picture that was on my facebook the other day, so he's been checking it out. He also asked me what I was doing tonight, and I told him I had no plans yet but was looking to go out.

 

So we just chatted a bit longer, hugged and he left. I wished him luck at his gig tomorrow because it's a new bar that he'll be playing at and he was really excited for it. He also told me about his plans all weekend. So tell me, please, that I am looking way too far into all this. He's just being friendly, right? Why does he keep asking who I'm with any time I go out?

 

ALSO, he made a new photo album on facebook yesterday morning, and put in a few older pictures of him, and some of his friends. He also decided to include two "couple-y" pictures of us from our trip to Key West last year, and someone commented along the lines of "whenever I see your girl, I wonder how the hell you got her". She obviously is unaware that we broke up, but the comment remains. He also deleted some of his mobile upload pictures that he had, but kept a few up of me, including one where I'm kissing him on the cheek and the photo caption is "she's so beautiful!"(caption that was left there from November, not a new one). I KNOW, I know, it's just facebook. But I just find that a little odd? Maybe he's keeping those pictures up to make him look more appealing standing next to a hot chick, I don't know. Could he be testing the waters a little?

 

Or do I need a cyber smack

[Simon Phoenix]

You are way overreading everything. He is curious about who you are going out with because that's a natural impulse. He did date you for five years, of course he's wondering what you are doing. Doesn't mean that he's looking to reconcile or having second thoughts. It could be several things (he could be being polite and look like he's taking an interest, he could be hoping you are landing on your feet, etc.). As for the facebook post, I wouldn't take that to mean much of anything. Odds are that he doesn't even know those comments are still up.

 

This is why I'm not a big fan of your refusal to employ NC, if not just for a month or so. Keeping contact causes one to try to read into things that aren't necessarily there. Everyone does that, it's natural. I know you want to try to be friends with the guy and maybe you can, but this email indicates that you aren't ready. I'd go with Occam's Razor on this one -- the simplest explanation is usually the way to go.

[Cam116]

I can't really implement NC right now anyway because we still have this apartment that we need to move out of. He's going to be dropping by in the next couple of weeks to get his stuff out, so we're going to be communicating from time to time. But maybe when I move out of here, it will also help me to move forward more.

[Simon Phoenix]

I can't really implement NC right now anyway because we still have this apartment that we need to move out of. He's going to be dropping by in the next couple of weeks to get his stuff out, so we're going to be communicating from time to time. But maybe when I move out of here, it will also help me to move forward more.

 

Fair enough. Then I'd go as limited as contact as possible until he completely moves on then take some time for yourself after that, if just to clear your head a bit. Though you could always have him pick up stuff when you aren't there, assuming he still has a key.

 

It's the natural tendency to concoct scenarios and what ifs that makes contact with an ex in the early stages tortuous when usually, the scenarios we create in our head are way more elaborate than what's going on. As an example, a friend of mine just recently broke up with his girlfriend of five years because, quite frankly, he didn't love her anymore. He has no inclination right now to take her back -- he already started hooking up with someone else semi-casually. However, he left her as his girlfriend on his Facebook for a month. Not because he was having any second thoughts -- he just didn't get around to it. But his ex could have easily seen that as a sign of something.

[Cam116]

Yeah, and that's why I try to not look to far into facebook stuff, but it's hard to not try and see something that isn't there Especially when you're trying to hold out some sort of hope for the future. I'm certainly not going to wait around to see if it happens, but deep down along with my nagging gut feeling, I hope it does someday. I've been meeting guys, casually flirting, but haven't done any dates yet because I know I'm not totally over my ex, and am afraid that I could date someone and start to like them, but not be ready for anything. And I don't want to give anyone any false impressions. I'm okay with being by myself. I'm learning alot, and finding out things about myself that I didn't know. It's just.....hard

[TaraMaiden]

I can't really implement NC right now anyway because we still have this apartment that we need to move out of. He's going to be dropping by in the next couple of weeks to get his stuff out, so we're going to be communicating from time to time...

 

When you find yourself in a position of having to engage with him in discussion - "Keep to Topic".

 

That is, discuss whatever business/ financial/practical consultation and decisions you have to contend with - but do not get drawn into 'small-talk', chit-chat, "So....how've you been....?" kind of crap.

 

Be quite firm.

 

"Sorry, I'm not here to discuss anything other than the details and arrangements for vacating the apartment.

You have no need to know anything else, and i really have no obligation to tell you.

Now, about the stuff in the kitchen......"

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, and that's why I try to not look to far into facebook stuff, but it's hard to not try and see something that isn't there Especially when you're trying to hold out some sort of hope for the future. I'm certainly not going to wait around to see if it happens, but deep down along with my nagging gut feeling, I hope it does someday. I've been meeting guys, casually flirting, but haven't done any dates yet because I know I'm not totally over my ex, and am afraid that I could date someone and start to like them, but not be ready for anything. And I don't want to give anyone any false impressions. I'm okay with being by myself. I'm learning alot, and finding out things about myself that I didn't know. It's just.....hard

 

Preaching to the choir. I completely agree with and sympathize with everything you just typed. Heck, I've been on a few dates recently and that's brought thoughts of my ex flooding back into my head after I thought I had basically worked through it. I ever started a thread on here about it So don't feel bad for any of this.

[Cam116]

As for the facebook post, I wouldn't take that to mean much of anything. Odds are that he doesn't even know those comments are still up.

 

And to clarify: the comment about "how did you get your girl" was a new one someone made yesterday, and it's still up.

 

I know I know, it's JUST facebook;)

[Simon Phoenix]

And to clarify: the comment about "how did you get your girl" was a new one someone made yesterday, and it's still up.

 

I know I know, it's JUST facebook;)

 

Still doesn't matter at all, especially since I'm guessing that he hasn't answered. But yeah, Facebook creeping es no bueno.

[Cam116]

It is no good, but I've always been a snooper unfortunately. Some people have told me that I should stop by his show tonight just to show support. I felt this will be too invasive. I've decided I won't show up tonight. After our dinner/drinks meet-up last week, he said he had a great time and we would do it again soon. He's been really busy lately, so that may not be for a while, but that may not be a bad thing. It will give us more space and such. But I was thinking, should I shoot him a text wishing him luck tonight? I did wish him luck yesterday, so I don't know if a text would be overkill. I'm torn between wanting to be "out of his life" so he will miss me more/ wonder about me etc, which it seems he's already doing. I'm not saying these are signs that he wants me back, but I don't want to ruin any chances for reconciliation in the future, if it's ever a possibility. I've always been supportive of his shows, I've been there since the beginning when he got started. It kills me that I can't be there tonight. Or should I text him tomorrow and just ask him how it went? Or should I just not do anything?

[TaraMaiden]

Well, I did try to 'cyber-talk-some-sense-into-you" with my contribution, but you still look hell-bent on making him as much a part of your life as you can, so i really don't know what kind of a slap you're looking for.

 

He's friend-zoned you, and you're lapping it up.

 

Good luck with that.

 

But it's broken, you know that, don't you?

[Cam116]

I know you're trying to talk sense into me, I appreciate it. I can't just turn off my emotions, though I wish I could. I'm trying to keep the lines of communication with him open in case we have a shot at something down the line. I'm not waiting for it to happen if it ever does, but I'm not the kind of person to act cold and pretend that I don't care about him. I can't do that. I'm having an 'off' day, is all

[geegirl]

I know you're trying to talk sense into me, I appreciate it. I can't just turn off my emotions, though I wish I could. I'm trying to keep the lines of communication with him open in case we have a shot at something down the line. I'm not waiting for it to happen if it ever does, but I'm not the kind of person to act cold and pretend that I don't care about him. I can't do that. I'm having an 'off' day, is all

 

Stop making excuses. It has nothing to do with being cold and uncaring. You're just too afraid to let go. He had no problem hurting your feelings when he broke up with you and told you he doesn't feel the same way about you. No issue with cutting you loose. But here you go making excuses as to how you have to protect his feelings?

 

Telling him you have to NC to protect your emotional wellbeing, until you at least heal has nothing to do with being uncaring or cold.

 

NC. If he comes back, you can have your shot. And trust that if he wants you, he will find you. If he doesn't you'll at least be far into your journey to healing and moving on. LC just keeps you having "off" days because its a constant emotional and mind f***.

Edited February 1, 2013 by geegirl

[TaraMaiden]

I know you're trying to talk sense into me, I appreciate it. I can't just turn off my emotions, though I wish I could.

And nowhere, anywhere here, on this forum, or in the NC guide, is there any instruction, recommendation or even implication that you should 'just turn off your emotions'.

A look round this forum will tell you that's impossible, and frankly, if you'll excuse me saying so, if you believe we're telling you that that's what it takes, then you really don't get No Contact at all....

 

The whole point of going No Contact is to PRESERVE your emotions, and prevent them from being tossed around like confetti in the wind, and being abused, trodden on and broken.

 

NC is a self-preservation exercise - it's established to protect yourself, heal and be able to live again.

 

 

I'm trying to keep the lines of communication with him open in case we have a shot at something down the line.

If the possibility exists, and that's what he decides he really wants, no matter where you go and how well you keep a low (invisible) profile, he will find a way to tell you.

You shouldn't be 'trying to keep lines of communication open with him'. That way lies a mangled heart, lack of pride and a very bruised and saddened soul.

 

I'm not waiting for it to happen if it ever does, but I'm not the kind of person to act cold and pretend that I don't care about him. I can't do that. I'm having an 'off' day, is all

It's not about him.

It's not even about not caring about him.

It's about you.

Doing it for you.

Healing for you.

Staying off his radar for your sake.

 

NC isn't implemented to hurt them, it's implemented to heal you.

 

And they really shouldn't figure, because they're the ones who hurt you in the first place.

 

Why leave a line of communication open, exposing your feelings just so they think they have your permission to keep doing so?

 

Hmmm.....??

[Cam116]

Because I feel like, deep down, NC is not the way for me to handle this. Despite having my off days, overall I've been healing exceptionally well, even after seeing him and talking to him etc. Yes, I'm still somewhat going through the roller coaster, but I have had many many more good days than bad. I wouldn't even qualify today as a "bad" day, just an off morning, because now I am back to being "over it". I am, again, looking forward to whatever my future holds, and looking forward to meeting new people etc. I just don't think NC is going to help, and it doesn't feel right for me. People are jamming NC down my throat, but I really have been healing relatively well. Am I over it completely? Of course not. But most of the time, I'm accepting what's happened and am accepting the fact that I can't change his mind. There is a part of me deep down that wants to try again, and I hope maybe we'll have a shot in the distant future, and that's why I look at these things and just wonder.

 

In all reality though, NC won't work right now even if I tried because we still have an apartment to move out of, so will need to be in some contact over the next few weeks. Once I'm moved out, I think it will be another step towards letting go. Moving out of the apartment is going to be a BIG reality check for me, and after I'm moved out I suspect we won't be having contact for quite a while.....we'll see. I'm rambling, sorry.

[TaraMaiden]

No, you're not.

Ultimately, you know yourself best, and I have to admit, you sound a lot more level-headed than some people on here (both genders, I would stress) who have a real, gut-wrenching, soul-destroying and deeply anxious desire to keep in touch - knowing that if they did, it would actually merely serve to put them on a completely different game-board, let alone 'back to square one'.

 

I think what we ourselves are wanting to avoid, on your behalf, is the illusory state many find themselves in, and who think they can handle it, and blithely go off and keep contact with their exes - only to come crashing down.

We don't want that to happen to you, and we don't ever want to quietly think "Well, we tried to tell her.... but would she listen? Ooooh Noooooo....."

 

But you sound like you're coping, and you sound as if you have a handle on what you're doing, so, really, what it boils down to in your case, is to go with what you feel works best.

Any other 'off-days' come back in and vent.

[Cam116]

I am a little worried that I could come crashing down. I think moving out of the apartment will help take me out of "fantasy land" and throw my ass back into reality for good, hopefully. I appreciate the advice and input. I'll figure it out. I've been following my gut, and so far haven't been destroyed by doing so, so we'll see

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't think you are as "over it" as you claim, even in the good days. I also think that you haven't given NC a real shot. You don't have to take a year off or anything, but try a month. I mean, you are psychoanalyzing Facebook right now. As far as the apartment, it's easy for you not to be there when he's picking up stuff.