wny Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I need some outside perspective on this situation so I can tell if my moral compass is functional or if I am just being too sensitive. Last Tuesday, my sig other seemed to be acting withdrawn and preoccupied. So I asked him what was wrong twice. Both times, I was told "nothing," and once he answered he was thinking about work. Now this person treats one thing as his personal badge of honor. He will not lie. In fact, he told someone else this week that she should be careful asking him a question because she will always get the truth in return. Fast forward to Saturday, everything seemed relatively normal until that night. For the first half of the evening, I discussed future plans and had general conversation with him. We were intimate more or less (more him, less me) and after it was finished, I mentioned I was concerned about some of these intimacy issues. He responded that I shouldn't be too upset about that because he was about to talk about something that would upset me more. "Remember when you asked me if there was anything wrong Tuesday night, well..." he opened, after which he proceeded to split up with me after "giving me one last good night together." I stared at him in disbelief (a slightly similar blindside happened almost exactly one year ago to the week, but without the intimacy), and said I was not going to go through another incident like this. But as the evening wore on, he explained he had made the decision to split with me that Tuesday morning and had pretended everything was normal until halfway through Saturday night when he gave me "one last good night" with intimacy. So here are my questions for the audience: 1) Did he lie to me when I asked him what was wrong on Tuesday and he replied "nothing?" He says he didn't want to bring it up at that point but rather wait until Saturday. I felt deceived and very hurt that this decision was made with absolutely no discussion to me that there was a dealbreaker issue hanging out there unresolved. 2) I am upset that he pretended everything was normal from Tuesday forward until half way through Saturday night -- time I could have been trying to work things out. Should I have been upset? 3) I am offended by the "parting sex" which came literally two minutes before the breakup announcement. Should I be offended? I explained being in the relationship was more important than one last fling, and I couldn't understand why he thought that was a generous thing to do. He had also promised never to pull a unilateral decision like this out of a hat without coming and talking to me first, which he never did. I was told in reply he had a right to make his own decision whenever he liked. My view is that in a relationship, decisions that affect both of us should be discussed, although we still have a right to decide things for ourselves after that. Obviously I am blindsided by all this and we are talking about possibly fixing this damage and moving forward, but he is incensed that I called him a "liar" and that seems to be a major point of contention. So I am looking for some uninvolved third parties to share their views. Please have at it.
MidwestUSA Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He lied on Tuesday because he was planning to get laid one last time before breaking up. Seriously, breaking up within minutes after sex? Run, as fast as you possibly can. So sorry this has happened to you. 2
todreaminblue Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 My ex did something similar he became withdrawn , aggressive when confronted, or just wouldn't answer me , we continued having sex until we broke up.......this act actually makes a break up worse, and like me you are probably best out of a relationship where honesty is not a policy ...... You are right to feel betrayed you were misled.....i am also sorry this happened to you its horrible and unjust.....hugs to ya....deb
Author wny Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 He lied on Tuesday because he was planning to get laid one last time before breaking up. Seriously, breaking up within minutes after sex? Run, as fast as you possibly can. So sorry this has happened to you. Actually it is/was a complicated relationship so I don't think he was looking for the sex himself right then. I think since I am the one that typically initiates, he -was- actually "doing it for me." My only doubt is about the mental process that goes into thinking that is kind or generous right before walking out the door for good. I personally see it more as cruel, but again I am not sure whether that would be true of others.
carhill Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 1. Yup 2. Yup 3. Yup Editorially, don't believe 'he told someone else this week that she should be careful asking him a question because she will always get the truth in return.'. Words are vibrating carbon dioxide, as your recent experience bears out. My sympathies. I sincerely hope you are not reconsidering this relationship being permanently ended at this point. IMO, whatever you do, leave it to him to take any steps for reconciliation. Watch actions. They rarely lie. You're being appropriately 'sensitive' and his methods of 'breaking up' were 'insensitive', IMO. 1
Almond_Joy Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I'm very sorry for you that your relationship ended this way. You had every right to call him a liar, because he lied. Had he said "there's something important that I don't want to talk about right now" when you asked him what was wrong then lying may have been debatable. But, if you specifically asked what was wrong bothering him and he said nothing, then it's a lie. He also lied at the onset of the relationship by agreeing not to make a unilateral decision without talking to you, and then turning around and doing just that. If he was dissatisfied with the relationship and truly wanted to work on it, he could have talked to you about how he was feeling before deciding to take action. But this sounds like he has no interest in that. He just wants to quit. My suggestion is to let him. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I would remind him that relationships are not some static arrangement for compatibility. People change, and in order to stay together you have to work at communicating with one another and adapting to those changes. If he wants something different from the relationship, the fair thing to do would have been to tell you that and see what you both can do together to meet that need. This "parting gift" of sex is disgusting. Call him on it and I hope he feels as belittled and ashamed as he should for even phrasing the act that way. Breaking up with a woman after sex is simply insulting in any capacity as he used you physically and then metaphorically tried to throw you away. If that's all he thinks of you....does he really deserve to be with you? Does he deserve your patience, love, and loyalty? He does not. Do not fight to give him a chance that he neither wants nor deserves. Cut your losses and comfort yourself, rebuild your confidence, process the grief of the breakup. Maybe later down the road IF he's changed you can try again. But right now I think it would be good for you two to go your separate ways, if for nothing else than for your own unfettered recovery time. Good luck and strength to you.
Author wny Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 Thanks for the insight. We have been talking just about daily and trying to begin to work through a lot of this. It has been a 10+ year relationship so I'm not prepared to throw it all away just yet. I appreciate the replies, and clearly my moral compass seems to be on track. Should we able to go forward, trust will be an issue. One thing is certain, we are both going to have to take responsibility for our own failures in the relationship. He will have to own up to the fact not talking to me about these issues before he exploded itself imperiled the relationship and prevented me from taking action to explore his concerns. I have never had trouble expressing mine. For now, the trust is gone and he must acknowledge and accept responsibility for that and take whatever steps are needed to rebuild it. Deep down inside, I am already aware nobody can say they never lie. It's an emotionally immature statement because not being completely honest is not always malicious. But telling the truth about important relationship issues is critical. If there is a road back, it will be slow and will require an investment from both of us to move forward. But neither of us can remain in denial. I know what he is capable of doing and he should as well, if not for me, for himself. Relationships are an enormous investment. The most important things are not really about the loving glances, the cards and flowers, doing things together and sex. The real relationship is about what happens in-between those things, especially when one partner is troubled about the other. 1
Almond_Joy Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 You sound very sensible and compassionate. I'm sure he has many good traits, but he is very lucky to have you. I hope he understands that! Lol Good luck to you both.
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