M23 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So I accidentally opened my old "favourite picture" of my ex... I didn't know what it was or why it was in a certain folder on my laptop. When I seen it, I felt nothing? I just moved it to the recycle bin, didn't even really think anything of it... The reason we broke up is this. I told her in my sleep I loved someone else... A couple of weeks before we ended. I don't even remember it. I do say things very rarely while asleep/woken up and then fallen right back asleep, such as I've told her to **** off aggressively, I have called her by another name such as Claudia, I've never even known one of those, all on separate occasions. She always thought I will have a much better career, that I would prefer a smarter, prettier girl who lived closer to me. This was a common theme over our ten months, she always wondered why I wanted her. She had no self esteem, she still doesn't... The first 2/3 weeks after the breakup, I got the whole "I love you" "You don't love me and even if you did you can do so much better etc etc" Those first 2 weeks I was a mess... I tried to make her not be insecure, show her she was all I wanted. She just kept saying, "I don't believe you, you do want this other girl..." I did find out she started seeing someone new (the last contact day) around 2/3 weeks ago, she didn't bother to tell me that, I found out from one of her friends, yes I know none of my business, but still she lied that entire time. He was the first guy to give her any attention after the break up. I'm not jealous, as far as I'm concerned, shes using him the way she used me. I actually feel bad for him. As in her words, she will have "downgraded" to him. She also only started seeing him properly after she found out I kissed some random girl drunk at a party 3 weeks after we broke up/2 weeks ago. She even texted my brother asking where my brother was when I pulled. She got really hurt/upset over that. She texted that she will never talk to me again etc that day. I found that kind of funny. I also found out the last day we spoke that she had lied about something huge and personal from a couple of months before we started seeing each other. She promised me something and I found out she'd lied. We had never broken promises, or lied in 2 and a half years. At least I had never done so... Now I think she probably lied about a lot. That day I lost all trust in her. I will never take her back. Even if she came begging, but she won't because... The last contact, I did send her incredibly true and really hurtful texts to her about how she treated me. I also added in some untrue very hurtful and personal things, such as I only put up with her **** so I could sleep with her... I made comments about her insecurities that would really hurt her. Essentially confirmed her insecurities. I commented on her lack of education, how she will never achieve anything. Just incredibly nasty stuff. I can't remember the exact wording. She really was my everything, I spent all my time with her, I really didn't think I could live without her. She was my best and most trusted friend for 2 and a half years. We were together for ten months. So why do I feel nothing? Not hate, not love. I am a little disgusted by her and how she treated me the entire time I knew her. The only thing I care about is how I feel bad about what I said, not because I hurt her, rather that I said those things. I feel bad about myself... And yes I know now she was very, very immature.
Author M23 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I just realised the title may be misleading. The break up was 5 weeks ago, in fact I only realised it was 5 weeks today after I found the picture and posted here. It's been 4 days NC.
Happypuppy Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 You are over her, that's why you feel indifferent. But tbh: you BOTH seem very immature. You talk about the way she treated you, I understand she lied about something from before you got together, but other than that..? What did she do, except doubting your feelings towards her? (wich, if you are over her in 5 weeks after 10 months: I'm starting to think she was right in doing so) You would purposly try to make her feel really ****ty about herself, even when you know about her self esteem-problems? Wow, thats both immature and down right cruel. And you don't even feel bad for hurting her on purpose...? None of you seem to be in a state where you should be dating. She is acting out of hurt and self esteem-problems, you just seem to be angry for some reason. Sort it out and don't bother each other in the meantime.
Author M23 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 The thing is, I'm not over her... Until I found out she had been seeing someone new and lying about that for however long, I was crazy about her on top of a massive lie from before we got together. She couldve saved me 2 weeks or so of texting/phoning her. She literally started seeing someone she hardly knew 2 weeks after we ended... Part of that just makes me think, well she can't have loved me. So why love someone who clearly didn't love you... I do feel really bad about what I said to her that night. So bad, I want to apologise to her for it. Everything I said was just an immediate reaction to her lying to me, the fact I found out a few different lies all on the same day. I don't even think most of what I said, or would even have ever said it. But she can't have that many self esteem issues if she's moved on already? She can't have meant anything she ever said to me the last 2/3 months. Should I apologise..?
Author M23 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Does this make sense? Im over who I learned she was, I'm not over who I thought she was? But she never existed, so... Things got easy. I texted the extremely nasty stuff to make sure she never contacts me again. Yes I feel really bad I did it. I just felt like I had to nuke whatever was left. I think the reason I felt nothing, was that the girl I loved never existed... Ever since I found out the truth about a few things, I just stopped loving her? Thats whats confused the hell out of me.
Author M23 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) I dont actually need a reply. Im not going to apologise. That just opens up contact. She should know what was meant and what wasn't. But it doesnt matter... I don't want her in my life at all, ever again. I suppose I didn't love her? Not the real her anyway... I just don't know anymore. She sure put on a good act though. She used me for several reasons I won't get into. I don't know anymore. For all I know, as Happypuppy said all of this could be out of her self esteem and me hurting her even though it wasnt meant... However, it doesn't excuse the lying throughout the 2 and a half years of supposedly trusting each other fully. It doesnt excuse her stringing me along. I know I was wrong in texting her hurtful things. It was just a spur of the moment thing. Which I regret. For a few reasons, such as I never act like that. I hurt her, even though she hurt/lied to me. I didn't need to respond in kind... It's just, I realised, if I couldn't trust her in the end. I can't trust anyone... Its the weirdest mix of feelings ever. Love/hate/pity towards her/feeling sorry at myself/I just dont know Thanks for the vent. Edited February 1, 2013 by M23 Added in a little extra
Loveandpeace14 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 After I read your post about being over the person you learned that she was, but not being over the person you thought she was, I definitely realize that i am over the guy he is now, but not over the guy he was when we met. First break up he said hurtful things then came back and apologized but second time around, it was like he was a different person. I was miserable until I found out he was dating someone new only two weeks after (the relationship lasted less than two weeks, heard it was because she caught him constantly talking about me my friends and other people FAIL lol) and insulting me, I felt nothing. I was fine for two weeks but now I'm back to being sad. I guess it's because I miss the guy I fell for, not the guy he has become. It must feel nice to not feel anything most of the time, I know that everyone has their down days, but I can tell you are getting better. x) 1
Author M23 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 She is still on my mind a lot. Every time I finish doing something. I look at my phone, its empty. I don't have her to text right away. Its true I don't feel anything most of the time... But when I do feel something I get sad, then angry? then I come here do some reading which reminds me that I really am better off without someone like her... I am getting better, I suppose. Way better than I was 3 weeks ago anyway.
Loveandpeace14 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 That's exactly like me. I miss waking up to his texts, and being able to text him all I want. I'll feel sad, then angry, and sometimes I even feel bad for him, then I think back to how bad he treated me during/after the break up and feel that I don't need someone like that.. Love makes us crazy or something I swear..
Author M23 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 Yeah it's a crazy cycle. It seems like I run through the cycle a lot faster now. I just have to keep reminding myself. She made her choice. In a way, if the break up had been different, I think in time that friendship could've survived. Maybe? But there's no point in thinking about "what ifs."
Addison312 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 Does this make sense? Im over who I learned she was, I'm not over who I thought she was? Hmmmm... I'm in the same boat. Interesting to see this. It's like the whole relationship was kind of a lie? 2
Author M23 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 Yeah, I havent really tried to think if it was or not, it really won't help now. Knowing wont really change anything, but the thought is still there.
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