ceres12 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) I am so confused about having kids, everything seems so hard and rough, and i want to do so many things in life and i feel like my time is counting down. I have 4 years to finish what i want to do and i am 25. I feel my time is running out and i have to decide when i want kids otherwise i will loose my opportunity. I watched this movie last night and it made me think of something they said "No kids want old parents" I thought is 30ish too old to have kids i know 35 is already risk so does that mean i have a deadline by 34 to have my first child if so thats like what 10 years to figure out what i want to do ( career wise etc...) i feel pressured because after 4 years is when things get even more serious after am done so i feel like i have 4 years to have kids and 4 years is too soon and am freaking out about time and running out of time to do what i want to do. I feel having kids at a young age is so great and i missed my shot because if you have kids young that means you grow with them and at the same time your not missing out on life and at the same time your not too old, idk. Another thing that is really ticking me off bad is the fact that my controling manipulative MIL wants to name my child(whom i have yet to have) what she wants and if it turns out to be a boy she wants to name him after my husband and so does my husband ( AM TIRED of everyone been named the dam same in his family am totally against it i mean who the hell is she to make that decision!!! and no it is not a culture thing its a stupid thing! and he is so serious about it too and i hate it we aren't freaking King so and so the third makes me angry you know!) Those of you who have kids what is your take on having kids and when to have kids, am i overthinking this? I really feel pressured with time and the whole name thing! Edited January 31, 2013 by ceres12
Keenly Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I am so confused about having kids, everything seems so hard and rough, and i want to do so many things in life and i feel like my time is counting down. I have 4 years to finish what i want to do and i am 25. I feel my time is running out and i have to decide when i want kids otherwise i will loose my opportunity. I watched this movie last night and it made me think of something they said "No kids want old parents" I thought is 30ish too old to have kids i know 35 is already risk so does that mean i have a deadline by 34 to have my first child if so thats like what 10 years to figure out what i want to do ( career wise etc...) i feel pressured because after 4 years is when things get even more serious after am done so i feel like i have 4 years to have kids and 4 years is too soon and am freaking out about time and running out of time to do what i want to do. I feel having kids at a young age is so great and i missed my shot because if you have kids young that means you grow with them and at the same time your not missing out on life and at the same time your not too old, idk. Another thing that is really ticking me off bad is the fact that my controling manipulative MIL wants to name my child(whom i have yet to have) what she wants and if it turns out to be a boy she wants to name him after my husband and so does my husband ( AM TIRED of everyone been named the dam same in his family am totally against it i mean who the hell is she to make that decision!!! and no it is not a culture thing its a stupid thing! and he is so serious about it too and i hate it we aren't freaking King so and so the third makes me angry you know!) Those of you who have kids what is your take on having kids and when to have kids, am i overthinking this? I really feel pressured with time and the whole name thing! 35 is not too old to have kids. Name your kid something else. Don't let some one pressure you into that. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Those of you who have kids what is your take on having kids and when to have kids, am i overthinking this? I really feel pressured with time and the whole name thing! Yes, you are way overthinking this. Why did you marry your husband? Was it because some clock or timeline said "time to get married"? Or was it because you met the right person at the right time? Having kids is the same way. You'll know when the time is right. Or you'll do it like the rest of us and get pregnant unexpectedly ! Life is what happens while we're making plans to do other things... Mr. Lucky 1
subliminal Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 my fiance of 1yr and i are 32, she has a 12yo autistic son who i adore. i hae no children of my own and her and i are both trying really hard to have a child. its alot of work and we have had numerous issues due to a tubal pregnacy and miscarriages years prior. we havent had much luck and it has really put stress on our relationship because we feel like we deserve to have one because we love each other and are financially able. i think what we are going to do is be less methodical and try to just have fun and not be disappointed if we dont. it will happen when it happens. id love to be a father but if it never happens im not going to love her any less. i think she feels like if she cant give me a child, she is inferior because she knows i would like one. i have told her this isnt the case and im in the relationship for her and her son and if worse comes to worse we could always adopt a child. its good to have goals, just dont stress out over things and know that everything works out as its supposed to! 1
HurtZ Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 (edited) You need to relax. Yes, risk goes up at 35 but women can have children even in their early 40s. My co-worker had her first child at 42, a beautiful and healthy girl. Her girl will get all the things in life many don't because her parents chose to wait until the time was right in their marriage and careers. If you were 38 or so I might think the need to address having kids would be more of a focus but you are only 25. You should be concerned right now with what you want. You graduated high school only 7 years ago. You should do the things in life that you want to do. If someone is pressuring you in anyway you should tell them to back off. This is YOUR hypothetical child, not theirs. You and your husband will have to reach a compromise when the time comes but you shouldn't have one now because you will only make yourself miserable and looking back wish you would've done the things in life you wanted to do - for yourself. So much pressure is put on women these days to do it all.. have the kids,have the house, the marriage, the career before you are 30. It's bull****. Do what you want to do in life and focus on that. In a few years, readdress the child issue. Edited February 4, 2013 by HurtZ 1
LostInWords Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Ok, back up. I am 30 and at one point had the mindset you have. That being said, I started a career which took priority and now here I am. 30 years old and wanting to have a child. I too know that 35 is a bit of a red zone for pregnancy. But you are so young. You have so much time. People are having children older now, and your child won't dislike you for your age. A child needs love, endless love. If you can give a child that, you are all set. What you should do, is embrace where you are in life, who you are and take having a child with ease. I recently lost my pregnancy, and I, feel like time is not on my side. Realistically, it takes nine months to make a baby, right? So, essentially I could say I have until I am 33. You should too. Having a baby doesn't happen over night and getting pregnant takes some time. But above all else, what I do know... is that you are never too old. There is always a way. And a baby will love you whether you have three wrinkles or 45 are your eyes. A baby just need a loving heart to grow up and learn about life with. It's that simple. 1
Author ceres12 Posted February 4, 2013 Author Posted February 4, 2013 You guys are awesome thank you for your responses. Me and my Husband are really happy and do want a baby but we both decided to wait, we love our me and him time, and we love to travel and enjoy our time together since we are both 25. He says he supports my decision if i do want to have a baby soon but i really dont feel ready just yet. I just feel a little overwhelmed because many of my high school friends have kids and are by their second by now, yet i am the only one out of all of them to not have a child and they all say how wonderful it is (most of them had their kids while still in high school and i thought what is wrong with me lol but i guess i was okay to want to wait right? I mean i chose to prevent it) (me and my husband have been together since we were 16) I am the only to be married except one she is married but they are struggling a lot and me and my husband are doing so great both financially and in our relationship sure we have arguments who doesn't but we stick through it and everything i love our relationship. I really do feel pressured because i feel as though i am falling behind or missing out. It is silly but i want to be a mom one day and my husband wants kids as well and am scared if it might not work out in having kids but someone mentioned adoption and you guys are right, what ever does happen will happen and if i am meant to have a baby at now or later it will be. Maybe i am not in a rush and its okay the best part is that my husband supports our decision i am happy and comfortable where i am right now in life and i feel i just started to enjoy my life where we are comfortable and enjoying our marriage.
LostInWords Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I totally get having many around you with kids and pregnant. It's everywhere. Even more annunciated when you're thinking about having children. It's like the sky being blue... suddenly everyone has a baby and you're the only one who doesn't. It's fine. You are fine and everything will be fine. Just be happy. Happiness will guide you and when you are finally ready and have a baby, it will be the best feeling in the world. Regardless of age (had to throw that in there) 1
moomin Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Im 31 M, she 34 F, we waited to have our child and yes I feel a bit old at time but lets face it we are living longer if we don't get taken out by something out of our control. I have seen people I went to school with too who look so worn out, I mean really bad so I think from an old parent side stay healthy and this will not be a concern. However, we are a bit older now and are considering adopting the second one and I do wish we would have went back to back and had a second. I would recommend if you want a handful to give it some further thought. To add insult to injury though, we started trying when she was 31 it was a horrible 2+ years so remember, just because you are ready, doesnt mean it will happen. Sorry to end on a low.
Bittersweetie Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 My husband and I were together 20 years before we had our baby. I was 40. You have plenty of time! And I thought I would have trouble conceiving, but after three months of serious trying, I was pregnant. The only thing that seems to be an issue is people who have kids younger get their "free" years (time for travel, etc) earlier...like in their mid-40s. Waiting until we did, our "free" years won't happen until were in our 60s. But I look at it as we had "free" years before baby...and will have them again later too. Heck, we plan on traveling with our son as soon as he's old enough. So like I said, you have plenty of time, and make the decision that is right for you as a couple. People may think and judge...whatever. I'm sure there were a lot of people surprised when we got pregnant after 20 years together! But I didn't care, we were happy. Good luck! 1
pteromom Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 There are pros and cons to having a baby young. There are pros and cons to having a baby older. You can't boil it down to one sound bite - "no kids want old parents". It's much more nuanced than that. I had my son at 39. Wouldn't change a thing. I am more patient. More giving. More calm. Wiser. Happier. Feel more confident in myself, so I feel more free to be silly with him. I am not a perfect person, but I am an incredible mom, and though I am one of the older moms, I am more active and energetic than some of the younger ones. Keep focusing on your goals. When it feels like the right time to try for children, try. 30 sounds like a perfect time to start trying to me. 1
pteromom Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 (another pro of being an older mom is you'll be more able to laugh off your MIL's need to name your baby and more able to stand up for yourself.)
Author ceres12 Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Don't bother having kids at all. This kind of ridiculous conflict indicates the marriage is not going to last whether you do or don't have kids. If it's not over the name it will be over something equally stupid. This makes it clear that your husband will take his mom's side against yours and your marriage will be a perpetual sequence of your mother in law being unreasonable, your husband taking his mom's side, and you having to back down. If you are already "TIRED" of it it's just a matter of time before you leave, cheat, or cheat & leave. Woa... calm down. first of all i am sure i am not the only who has controlling inlaws, second of all we come here to vent and hear some positive feedback. I am not tired of anything i just do not agree with my mother in law in certain aspects, because if my own mother does not act like a stubborn child controlling my life and let alone forcing a name i hate on a child we arent anywhere near having any time soon, i am not taking crap from my mil. Seems to me you may have some deep issues of cheating in your own personal life as you seem to show defensive feedback in more than one thread. My husband KNOWS his mother is overly dramatic so yea not the case. I wont cheat on my husband we have been together for an eternity and if i haven't left i am not leaving unless he gives me reason to (if he cheats ill simply walk, i have never cheated on anyone and wont ever do so, that is stupid) about the whole calling us immature thing? really? I just wanted some thoughts on having kids it is NORMAL to feel this way and want to know how others have dealt with parenthood and what not. you seem to have real issues of your own. relax, and be nice no one here is been rude or disrespectful. thank you have a wonderful day, as to everyone else thank you so much for been so great, your feedback really has been great, me and my husband are really happy and we decided that when it is time it will be time, also for the whole naming thing we both talked about it and he says to pay no mind because at the end of the day is me and him and his mom has no say in what decisions we make, he is awesome 1
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