Author SerCay Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Seeing that she rebounded with someone for revenge then broke up with said rebound after she got what she needed these two seem like a match made in heaven. Im not proud of what ive done. I just cant help to feel good for having revenge for being treated this badly when putting in so much of me. 1
MidwestUSA Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I had absolutely no feelings for him he was a platonic crush back then So do you not see how involving others is wrong? Using them in your game of getting revenge? Would you like to be the one being used "just to show her". I think not.
Author SerCay Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 So do you not see how involving others is wrong? Using them in your game of getting revenge? Would you like to be the one being used "just to show her". I think not. Again...im not proud of what ive done
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Again...im not proud of what ive done Yeah, creating a thread titled "Revenge feels awesome" shows me you aren't proud of what you did. 3
StraylightRun24 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) I don't mean to make light of anybody's heartbreak, but I feel like I'm reading a plot line to a really bad WB teen drama.... But to each their own! Even though I do feel bad for the guy that got used to get back at your ex. Poor SOB! Edited January 31, 2013 by StraylightRun24 1
Author SerCay Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Yeah, creating a thread titled "Revenge feels awesome" shows me you aren't proud of what you did. I have a good feeling, my ego is boosted for getting back at my ex who hurt me so much. I AM NOT PROUD OF WHAT I DID but I cant help it feels good. Whats so hard to understand? 1
Author SerCay Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I don't mean to make light of anybody's heartbreak, but I feel like I'm reading a plot line to a really bad WB teen drama.... But to each their own! Even though I do feel bad for the guy that got used to get back at your ex. Poor SOB! Yes it looks quite dramatic...but so are most stories on LS right
na49 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You're not proud of what you've done. but you want to tell all of us about it in great detail? Also my idea of "love" doesn't involve being treated the wrong way. It involves respect from both people and giving yourself to the other person. Not the same as giving your self respect. So would you get back together with him again or no?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) I have a good feeling, my ego is boosted for getting back at my ex who hurt me so much. I AM NOT PROUD OF WHAT I DID but I cant help it feels good. Whats so hard to understand? I'm going to be INCREDIBLY blunt with you. I don't know you personally and I dont like to judge people, especially on these boards because everyone goes through heartache and many people on here have saved me from making matters much worse for me. In fact, coming on here and reading others problems makes me realize things could be MUCH worse for me...... With that said, what you did disgust me and the fact you are taking ownership proudly and "feeling good" about yourself shows me you have no self respect, no pride, and no morals (you sound like my ex).... Yes, what your ex did was downright awful. I think many of us on here can relate.....but hooking up with someone in the blatant attempt to get back at someone, then trying to rub it in his face, THEN dumping the poor guy after that just to extract some revenge is downright gross and dishonorable. You blame him for what he did to you, and then YOU go out and do the exact same thing...THEN you have the audacity to say "love" when talking about this guy?? Stevie Wonder can see that this guy uses you and doesnt love you and yet dragging someone else along in your "plot" is wrong. I don't like people like you because IVE BEEN THAT GUY BEFORE that gets used as a plan so its a HUGE slap in the face to good men like myself. So whats so hard to understand about that? Edited January 31, 2013 by ConfusedHumanBeing 2
Hopeful714 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Stevie Wonder can see it....OMG that was awesome! 1
Author SerCay Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 You're not proud of what you've done. but you want to tell all of us about it in great detail? Also my idea of "love" doesn't involve being treated the wrong way. It involves respect from both people and giving yourself to the other person. Not the same as giving your self respect. So would you get back together with him again or no? No I dont want to I'm going to be INCREDIBLY blunt with you. I don't know you personally and I dont like to judge people, especially on these boards because everyone goes through heartache and many people on here have saved me from making matters much worse for me. In fact, coming on here and reading others problems makes me realize things could be MUCH worse for me...... With that said, what you did disgust me and the fact you are taking ownership proudly and "feeling good" about yourself shows me you have no self respect, no pride, and no morals (you sound like my ex).... Yes, what your ex did was downright awful. I think many of us on here can relate.....but hooking up with someone in the blatant attempt to get back at someone, then trying to rub it in his face, THEN dumping the poor guy after that just to extract some revenge is downright gross and dishonorable. You blame him for you doing this to you, and then YOU go out and do the exact same thing...THEN you have the audacity to say "love" when talking about this guy?? Stevie Wonder can see that this guy uses you and yet dragging someone else along in your "plot" is gross. I don't like people like you because IVE BEEN THAT GUY BEFORE so its a HUGE slap in the face to good men like myself. So whats so hard to understand about that? I do understand. Maybe i shouldve mentioned the guy just saw us aw casually dating as well. So there were no feelings involved.
Author SerCay Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Have you ever thought that this "revenge" might not bother him as much as you hope it does? Seeing as he treated you so poorly, it's highly likely that he doesn't feel half of what you feel for him for you, and as such, this little victory is not a victory at all. In fact, you're still playing his game, but you think by your own rules. I always associate those who are out for revenge as those who are still invested somewhat in the person they want to hurt. As long as you look at these little "victories," as a reason to celebrate getting your own back on him, you'll always be tied to him. I think you need to move on, alone, and don't get involved with others until you know what you have with this douche is dead and buried once and for all. Ahh I have the feeling everybody gets my intentions wrong.. I guess I didn't explain myself right in the OP See, it's that I started dating this guy, to get over my ex in the beginning. When things ended between the guy and me, and I got back together with the ex, I only told him I had slept with him when he dumped me again for some stupid reason. That's when he went all crazy and lost complete self esteem, this gave me the good revenge feeling..I KNOW ITS BAD AND I SHOULDNT FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT, but I did...when I noticed it hurt him so much he couldnt come out of the house for weeks..thats when I noticed how much it hurt him. See my stupid ''victory'' was also in the fact that he hurt so much when i thought he wouldnt like you said So I wasnt out to seek for revenge.. it just happened to make me feel good afterwards when seeing him hurt so much.. and thats what makes it revenge.. Yes, I'm planning to move on gradually
venusianx13 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I think I understand you, SerCay... I'm going to take a risk here and surmise that because you were involved with this narcissist, and he behaved like you had absolutely no hold on him, but that he could do whatever he wanted to you and you'd always come running back... the fact that he showed emotion over what you did probably feels to you like a bit of a victory. Personally, any time I managed to dig some sign of emotion out of my ex, it was enough of a breadcrumb for me to exaggerate it into: "Well, this must mean he cares." The revenge cheat - it hurt him, but not because he cared about me or our relationship, but because he cared about his ego. Six years certainly turned me pretty cold in the end. It took months for me to process, but I ended up feeling immense shame over my revenge cheating, and for the way I harmed my ex emotionally, though he had harmed me in the same way a handful of times. Dealing with a narcissist is toxic, and it changes you. I think you know that, as you've voiced your desire to get rid of this guy for good. However, having dealt with a guy like this for so long, I'd advise you to get some professional help while going through this. You need someone to help you to stay on course and to help you be strong (and wise) enough to ignore any attempts your ex will probably make to reel you back in. 1
Sugarkane Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Who hasn't wanted revenge on here? I'm sorry but just for once I'm glad a cheater got cheated on. Taking the high road is hard and it seems like cheaters don't get any consequences. What's the point? I haven't done it myself, but I know someone that this has happened too. We warned my co worker that her ex would want revenge, but this co worker refused to listen. She did deserve it though. 1
Sugarkane Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 It is shadenfruede to see a user and Ahole get their own back.
crashvector Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 If you think love is so easy so you are able to think rationally of it, why are you even on LS? I deserve respect, empathy and sympathy just as much as anyone else whether I burn myself 10000 times to the same guy or not. When a person is TRYING you shouldn't kick 'em down because you know they are going to fail anyway. If I fail a 1000 times I will succeed eventually. So take your rationalities on love elsewhere than my post please. We will all see the day that you do something stupid out of loving somebody YOURSELF. Thanks. You're the kind of person that would tell a fat person on a diet that they shouldnt cry theyre fat, because they ate so much themselves. Because ure like a little kid who keeps sticking a fork in the electric socket. Eventually, you are going to earn a Darwin Award. Except you already HAVE earned a "dating Darwin Award" like 45 times...ure bulb is on a dimmer switch.
Author SerCay Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 I think I understand you, SerCay... I'm going to take a risk here and surmise that because you were involved with this narcissist, and he behaved like you had absolutely no hold on him, but that he could do whatever he wanted to you and you'd always come running back... the fact that he showed emotion over what you did probably feels to you like a bit of a victory. Personally, any time I managed to dig some sign of emotion out of my ex, it was enough of a breadcrumb for me to exaggerate it into: "Well, this must mean he cares." The revenge cheat - it hurt him, but not because he cared about me or our relationship, but because he cared about his ego. Six years certainly turned me pretty cold in the end. It took months for me to process, but I ended up feeling immense shame over my revenge cheating, and for the way I harmed my ex emotionally, though he had harmed me in the same way a handful of times. Dealing with a narcissist is toxic, and it changes you. I think you know that, as you've voiced your desire to get rid of this guy for good. However, having dealt with a guy like this for so long, I'd advise you to get some professional help while going through this. You need someone to help you to stay on course and to help you be strong (and wise) enough to ignore any attempts your ex will probably make to reel you back in. Venusian..you've just described my relationship. My ex is a narcissist and it shows everywhere in his life. i found out when i started searching WHY in heavensname he was treating me the way you just described. i too have become numb..and maybe thats the exact reason im so happy over his hurting and people here on LS misunderstanding me. He has made me numb to the point that i take joy out of his emotional pain. because so far, i have been the one in pain, his life always continued the way it was, no changes, no hurting, whether with me, or without me. always always always he justified the things he did to me in a way it was my fault. there was time i was seriously doubting myself, asking if i was so stupid to treat him this way? luckily i got out of that pattern of blaming myself with help of my family and friends, telling me im insane if i dont start seeing what he's actually like. Yes i changed, im numb, i hope i will be my old naive about love self again.. Who hasn't wanted revenge on here? I'm sorry but just for once I'm glad a cheater got cheated on. Taking the high road is hard and it seems like cheaters don't get any consequences. What's the point? I haven't done it myself, but I know someone that this has happened too. We warned my co worker that her ex would want revenge, but this co worker refused to listen. She did deserve it though. THANK YOU SUGARKANE... it seems a lot of people dont understand but it actually feels good to give someone that repeatedly hurt you, a taste of his own medicine and to see him react wayyyyy more dramatic than you ever did.. Because ure like a little kid who keeps sticking a fork in the electric socket. Eventually, you are going to earn a Darwin Award. Except you already HAVE earned a "dating Darwin Award" like 45 times...ure bulb is on a dimmer switch. I will see how you react when you are in the exact same position as I was. Judging is easy right
venusianx13 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) Venusian..you've just described my relationship. My ex is a narcissist and it shows everywhere in his life. i found out when i started searching WHY in heavensname he was treating me the way you just described. i too have become numb..and maybe thats the exact reason im so happy over his hurting and people here on LS misunderstanding me. He has made me numb to the point that i take joy out of his emotional pain. because so far, i have been the one in pain, his life always continued the way it was, no changes, no hurting, whether with me, or without me. always always always he justified the things he did to me in a way it was my fault. there was time i was seriously doubting myself, asking if i was so stupid to treat him this way? luckily i got out of that pattern of blaming myself with help of my family and friends, telling me im insane if i dont start seeing what he's actually like. Yes i changed, im numb, i hope i will be my old naive about love self again.. No, you won't be naive, SerCay... you'll be much wiser. You'll start to pay attention to a guy's actions rather than his words. A healthy relationship exists for you with someone else, and when you find it, it will be like night and day (comparatively). Just don't hold out for this guy to change for any longer, please; he won't. While it was really crappy that I wasted six years of my life on someone like this, and finally got out when I was 29, I feel fortunate to be able to use my experience to help guide others in similar situations. I am glad you mention that you've learned to stop blaming yourself. This is a tactic narcissists use called "gaslighting." See: Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity.[sIZE=2][1][/sIZE] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term "gaslighting" comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. The term is now also used in clinical and research literature.[sIZE=2][2][/sIZE][sIZE=2][3][/sIZE] (wikipedia) You are a good person, SerCay, you've just been deluded by these emotional traumas at the hands of your ex. Take some time to process all of this, and put distance between yourself and him. You'll start to see things much more clearly in time. And in the meantime, do not allow him, in any way, shape or form to disrupt this process. Delete, ignore, block. Edited February 1, 2013 by venusianx13 1
NoLeafClover Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Revenge is best served on a cold platter All i see are actions at the heat of the moment. Yes I understand what you're trying to say, that it feels good to cheat on a cheater but is that really right? Giving your body to someone else just so you can show your ex you can do better? Let cheaters cheat and lairs lie but don't become one of them no matter what the circumstances. The best revenge would of been if you'd of ignored him and stayed No Contact. You sleeping with someone else hurt him of course but also gave him a reason why to not be with you and move on sooner than you think. He's having an easier time letting you go because he has a reason to now. On the other hand, when he cheated on you, you learned to accept it with all of his other flaws and wanted him still..which means you are going to have a hard time letting him go even if you're the dumper. I am not going to bash you because you wanted your ex even after he treated you so badly, but I hope you stay truthful to yourself. Chances are very high that at some point soon, you will think back and the possibility to want to call him or contact him is going to cross your mind. You broke up with him and cheated on him for a reason. Trying to run back to him is going to make things worse so now you have to stick to what you started. ..and please don't go sleeping around with dudes that don't deserve it just so you can 'show your ex' you are so much better. There is no such thing as taking revenge when you're losing your dignity to a stranger. Good luck.
Author SerCay Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 No, you won't be naive, SerCay... you'll be much wiser. You'll start to pay attention to a guy's actions rather than his words. A healthy relationship exists for you with someone else, and when you find it, it will be like night and day (comparatively). Just don't hold out for this guy to change for any longer, please; he won't. While it was really crappy that I wasted six years of my life on someone like this, and finally got out when I was 29, I feel fortunate to be able to use my experience to help guide others in similar situations. I am glad you mention that you've learned to stop blaming yourself. This is a tactic narcissists use called "gaslighting." See: Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity.[sIZE=2][1][/sIZE] Instances may range simply from the denial by an abuser that previous abusive incidents ever occurred, up to the staging of bizarre events by the abuser with the intention of disorienting the victim. The term "gaslighting" comes from the play Gas Light and its film adaptations. The term is now also used in clinical and research literature.[sIZE=2][2][/sIZE][sIZE=2][3][/sIZE] (wikipedia) You are a good person, SerCay, you've just been deluded by these emotional traumas at the hands of your ex. Take some time to process all of this, and put distance between yourself and him. You'll start to see things much more clearly in time. And in the meantime, do not allow him, in any way, shape or form to disrupt this process. Delete, ignore, block. Thanks Venusian, I'm definitely going to read into the gas lighting thing. Thankfully I have let it behind me long time ago! Otherwise I would have been mental by now.. I can imagine there are women who go crazy like this. The distance works, I started to see things in perspective already! And I wonder WHY o WHY I'm so weak I always go back, while the world is full of good men :S No explanation to that..It's as if I'm possessed or just plane stupid! I know there are people on here that have (indirectly) called me stupid for going back all the time, but it's somwthing I just could not help so far! weird huh Revenge is best served on a cold platter All i see are actions at the heat of the moment. Yes I understand what you're trying to say, that it feels good to cheat on a cheater but is that really right? Giving your body to someone else just so you can show your ex you can do better? Let cheaters cheat and lairs lie but don't become one of them no matter what the circumstances. The best revenge would of been if you'd of ignored him and stayed No Contact. You sleeping with someone else hurt him of course but also gave him a reason why to not be with you and move on sooner than you think. He's having an easier time letting you go because he has a reason to now. On the other hand, when he cheated on you, you learned to accept it with all of his other flaws and wanted him still..which means you are going to have a hard time letting him go even if you're the dumper. I am not going to bash you because you wanted your ex even after he treated you so badly, but I hope you stay truthful to yourself. Chances are very high that at some point soon, you will think back and the possibility to want to call him or contact him is going to cross your mind. You broke up with him and cheated on him for a reason. Trying to run back to him is going to make things worse so now you have to stick to what you started. ..and please don't go sleeping around with dudes that don't deserve it just so you can 'show your ex' you are so much better. There is no such thing as taking revenge when you're losing your dignity to a stranger. Good luck. I wont sleep around, its not something I usually do.. You are definitely right that i should have left him without giving him a clue..I wish I had the strength back then!! Mann that would have hit so much harder! But I guess to me it would feel like I left something unfinished :S as if was obsessed to get back at him. weird mind quirks went on at that time.. Also yes, you are right about its going to be easier for him to forget me than the other way around, BUT will it really? He hurts for the fact that I did what I did because he never took the time to help me process all that he did to me, he's left with sorrow, I guess in the long run that hurts more. And if it doesnt, I guess im just consoling myself by thinking this lol
venusianx13 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 (edited) SerCay, your ex doesn't appear to have the capacity for empathy. He won't ever hurt because of the things he did to you... he'll hurt because his ego is hurt. Don't try to see things from his POV or to surmise what you think he might be feeling, you simply can't. I know that when I was with my ex, I walked around with pretty consistent anxiety, feelings of self-hatred, depression... I allowed him to have this power over me, and the only remedy at the time was whatever breadcrumbs he would feed me. I genuinely loved him, but he was incapable of loving anyone but himself. Breaking free of this cycle was akin to breaking an addiction. I could never imagine my life without him, so when people would tell me to go cold turkey no contact, I was clueless as to how I could possibly do this, and I was against it. What it really would have been was an emotional detox of sorts. When I finally did go through with it, I gained so much clarity and strength that I had lost before. It was only then that I saw the value in what people had been telling me to do all along. And when he was finally gone, I felt blessed. And rather than feeling cold and bitter, my virtue increased that much more. I wish my ex well in life, and I hope that I served as a teacher to him, of sorts. I can't possibly know if he ever feels sorry for the things he did, but I HOPE he does, so he doesn't do those things to anyone else. While our experiences with these men have been brutally painful, SerCay, I will guarantee you that you will one day look back and see how very VALUABLE a lesson it was. If you ever feel like you need some guidance through this, feel free to reach out to me. Edited February 2, 2013 by venusianx13 1
venusianx13 Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Thanks Venusian, I'm definitely going to read into the gas lighting thing. Thankfully I have let it behind me long time ago! Otherwise I would have been mental by now.. I can imagine there are women who go crazy like this. The distance works, I started to see things in perspective already! And I wonder WHY o WHY I'm so weak I always go back, while the world is full of good men :S No explanation to that..It's as if I'm possessed or just plane stupid! I know there are people on here that have (indirectly) called me stupid for going back all the time, but it's somwthing I just could not help so far! weird huh I wont sleep around, its not something I usually do.. You are definitely right that i should have left him without giving him a clue..I wish I had the strength back then!! Mann that would have hit so much harder! But I guess to me it would feel like I left something unfinished :S as if was obsessed to get back at him. weird mind quirks went on at that time.. Also yes, you are right about its going to be easier for him to forget me than the other way around, BUT will it really? He hurts for the fact that I did what I did because he never took the time to help me process all that he did to me, he's left with sorrow, I guess in the long run that hurts more. And if it doesnt, I guess im just consoling myself by thinking this lol No, I certainly wouldn't advise you to sleep around. There are too many risks there, including your self-esteem. However, DO go out, on casual dates, and have fun. Be fun and friendly with guys, and the kind of POSITIVE attention you get will be a great boost for you.
Author SerCay Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 I know that when I was with my ex, I walked around with pretty consistent anxiety, feelings of self-hatred, depression... I allowed him to have this power over me, and the only remedy at the time was whatever breadcrumbs he would feed me. I genuinely loved him, but he was incapable of loving anyone but himself. Breaking free of this cycle was akin to breaking an addiction. I could never imagine my life without him, so when people would tell me to go cold turkey no contact, I was clueless as to how I could possibly do this, and I was against it. What it really would have been was an emotional detox of sorts. When I finally did go through with it, I gained so much clarity and strength that I had lost before. It was only then that I saw the value in what people had been telling me to do all along. And when he was finally gone, I felt blessed. And rather than feeling cold and bitter, my virtue increased that much more. ''I walked around with pretty consistent anxiety, feelings of self-hatred, depression...'' check ''Breaking free of this cycle was akin to breaking an addiction.'' check ''I could never imagine my life without him, so when people would tell me to go cold turkey no contact, I was clueless as to how I could possibly do this, and I was against it'' double check.... On the one hand I'm sorry yo had to go through these things because mann does it hurt, but on the other hand im so glad there is someone who has gone through the same.. i started to think that what i had with him wasnt love, i was some sort of obsessed with him...my all day and my all time evolves around him..thats why i cant possibly think of NC and like you say the constant anxiety and feeling of restlessness is also there ALL THE TIME... breadcrumbs like you say, are my ''dose of drugs'' and i live for them.. they consist of sometimes a couple weeks of happiness, sometimes a very very sweet treatment from his side for a month, sometimes all of a sudden asking me to marry him etc...and yes, also like you said, its like an addiction..when im sad and feel the anxiety of him arguing with me and being angry with me, all i want is to make it right and get breadcrumbs again:eek: My family and friends keep telling me what are you doing with him get out there but the above is keeping me..i dont talk to anyone about it anymore because i know what they're thinking...like you saw in the other reactions to my post, people declaring me looney for staying with him :S I just hope sooo badly..that this time I will be strong and not give in to his flattery....because it will come and im bracing myself, i wonder what it is in him and these breadcrumbs that make me so weak towards him :S because if you know me in other parts of life, im not like this AT ALL! 2
venusianx13 Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 Hope you are doing alright, SerCay. Post an update here and there for us. Again, if you need some guidance, I'd be happy to help. Best of luck to you; stay strong. 1
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