irc333 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So much talk of how women who think they make the FIRST move or initially ask the man out that they are considered "needy" or desperate. Never in my whole life or my friend's lives, would they ever consider this needy or desperate. Where did people come up with this idea?
Granin Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Women probably did as an excuse to not have to put themselves out there 2
louise_23 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So much talk of how women who think they make the FIRST move or initially ask the man out that they are considered "needy" or desperate. Never in my whole life or my friend's lives, would they ever consider this needy or desperate. Where did people come up with this idea? i think men came up with this idea, not people. 2
silvermercy Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Society (men) has been dictating for thousands of years that men are the pursuers. Views have not changed that much and that quickly just yet. Hence, even today, a woman who assumes the role of the pursuer (a manly role) may be viewed as desperate. (It has happened to most of my friends actually. Even when they got successful in securing a date this way, their "romance" fizzled the quickest in all of them. The man was not keen enough to continue.) 3
Author irc333 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Society (men) has been dictating for thousands of years that men are the pursuers. Views have not changed that much and that quickly just yet. Hence, even today, a woman who assumes the role of the pursuer (a manly role) may be viewed as desperate. (It has happened to most of my friends actually. Even when they got successful in securing a date this way, their "romance" fizzled the quickest in all of them. The man was not keen enough to continue.) Well maybe considering how my friends' and eye don't have women asking us out hardly at all....we are dumfounded by this.
superb Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I've initiated first moves on guys..whether it be for hanging out, going out or physical. Since my agenda is always in efforts to get to know someone better or relationship oriented..the men use that as a signal to get in your pants. Not sure if that = coming off desperate but men jump at the chance regardless.
KungFuJoe Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 More women have approached/made the first move on me than vice versa, including my wife. I have NO problem with it. At All. 1
TheGuard13 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Women who make the first move are a turn on. Desperation? No...the word is "Urgency". And that's hot. 1
superb Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Women who make the first move are a turn on. Desperation? No...the word is "Urgency". And that's hot. Doesn't that sometimes confuse men though? Make them think you're easy or whatever...I'm assuming we're talking about sex. I know men don't like urgent attempts at relationships beyond that. 1
xxoo Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Doesn't that sometimes confuse men though? Make them think you're easy or whatever...I'm assuming we're talking about sex. I know men don't like urgent attempts at relationships beyond that. That's the catch. It's sort of a given that they guy will be interested in sex. If the woman is not interested in casual sex, but rather in a relationship--how does she make that approach? How well does is that first move received? (kind of funny to imagine! ) 2
carhill Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 If the woman is not interested in casual sex, but rather in a relationship--how does she make that approach? Similar to how they expect a man to approach and get to know when he is desirous of a relationship rather than speedy and/or casual sex. Focusing on the person, their life, their personality, along with the general 'mating dance' which attends to sexual/physical attraction. 'Along with' is key, as opposed to 'the focus on', wrt sexual/physical attraction. Behaviors acknowledge the attraction and the focus is on the totality of the person and dynamic. Personally, I don't see such approaches as desperate, rather healthy.
superb Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 That's the catch. It's sort of a given that they guy will be interested in sex. If the woman is not interested in casual sex, but rather in a relationship--how does she make that approach? How well does is that first move received? (kind of funny to imagine! ) Right, good thing to ponder considering my attempts to talk about my sexuality, even though my ideal is a relationship, never move past sex. Sex only. Those are the only relationships I've known since my marriage ended and it's frustrating.
veggirl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I'll make the first initial contact but there is no way I would ever ask a guy out on a date or to get together first. If he is interested he will ask. If he is too shy to ask, he's too shy for me anyway so no loss for me. 2
KungFuJoe Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I love aggressive women. To me, that shows that they have major confidence. If they want something, they get it.
veggirl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I love aggressive women. To me, that shows that they have major confidence. If they want something, they get it. That's how I feel about men. And I won't be an "aggressive" aka masculine-acting IMO woman who chases a man hah. I don't think aggressive = confidence necessarily. 1
KungFuJoe Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 That's how I feel about men. And I won't be an "aggressive" aka masculine-acting IMO woman who chases a man hah. I don't think aggressive = confidence necessarily. Why doesn't it = confidence? I think you HAVE to have a certain level of confidence to be aggressive. Now, I'm not saying that you have to be aggressive to be confident. You can be confident WITHOUT being aggressive...but I don't think you can be aggressive without having confidence, if that makes sense.
veggirl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Why doesn't it = confidence? I think you HAVE to have a certain level of confidence to be aggressive. Now, I'm not saying that you have to be aggressive to be confident. You can be confident WITHOUT being aggressive...but I don't think you can be aggressive without having confidence, if that makes sense. You don't have to be confident to approach. Even very unconfident dudes on this website ask girls out on occasion.
carhill Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Where did people come up with this idea? Likely from generalizations surrounding supply and demand, essentially summarizing that a woman, generally, is in demand by and from approaching males and women who exhibit outlier (to the generality) behaviors shall have certain psychological aspects ascribed to them, with 'needy' and 'desperate' amongst them. Anyone who dares to be 'different' from sociological 'norms' risks labeling, generally negative. Society seeks to impel conformance by inclusion and exclusion, dependent upon behavior, exemplified by 'labeling'. So, OP, if you're encountering this labeling locally, it's indicative of the society you're surrounded by and whom you interact with. If you're encountering it here on LS, then it's a feature of this 'community' or a subset of it. Is it more widely applicable? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Personally, I've seen little 'labeling' in my demographic but also neither have I had <single> women approach me romantically, so YMMV.
KungFuJoe Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You don't have to be confident to approach. Even very unconfident dudes on this website ask girls out on occasion. Yeah, but they are GUYS. Guys are expected to approach. These guys do it because they feel it's their DUTY. Not because they are confident. Women, on the other hand...society "expects" them to NOT approach. They know they can just sit back and wait for a man to come to them. But for them to say "**** it...I know what I want...I'm getting it!"...to me...it's VERY confident and VERY sexy. 1
yumyumyum Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I would find it extremely flattering. Having been shy in that department for most of my life...the only romantic interest and relationship I have ever had is from women who have approached me first. In a way though...I think it was more a sense of relief. I.e. that the girl was doing all the work! I could sit back and not worry about that initial rejection and awkwardness of trying to make a move. It was a bit of a bad lesson for me to learn though for my first relationship. It left me thinking that it was ok/normal/expected for guys to be approached by women...which I have since found out to be generally untrue. Like people have said, women are not expected to make the first move in today's society...so I have nothing but respect for those that take the bull by the horns...and make things happen for themselves. I wonder how it effects the relationship that follows though? It maybe puts a lot more pressure and responsibility on the woman to lead and make decisions...which is not necessarily a bad thing...if that's what she likes/wants. ...as always, I could be wrong though!
KungFuJoe Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I should probably clarify that the women that hit on me first did so within the same day of meeting (or approached me at a club/bar). Not like I pussy footed around for months not making a move. If I like a girl i let her know. Just sometimes they beat me to the punch.
Phateless Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Confidence is sexy, and when a woman makes the first move it shows confidence.
veggirl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Oh well drunk at a club doesn't count. That requires no confidence just booze. Do you consider just making convo approaching? To me approaching is asking out.
KungFuJoe Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Oh well drunk at a club doesn't count. That requires no confidence just booze. Do you consider just making convo approaching? To me approaching is asking out. Was this in reply to me? I said most of the girls who approached me did so upon first meeting me OR at a club/bar. Meaning it might have been a friend of a friend who introduced me. Or a new coworker. The girls that did approach me in a bar or club had been drinking (as had I)...kinda hard to find people there that aren't drinking. But by no means were all my "approaches" by drunk women. Not even close.
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 You know how guys around here are always saying that if a guy makes a move on a girl, and she does not like him, he's automatically a "creep"? Well, perhaps if the girl making a first move is not attractive to the guy, he finds her to be desperate and / or needy. If he thinks she's hot that's probably a whole nother story. 1
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