Ashlyn Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 We became fast friends about a year ago when he was single. I'm pretty sure he hit on me the first cpl times we hang out but I'm a prude so I'm not going. Anyway we became super close very fast. We have the same interests. Well he gets this gf a cpl months ago who I also know but am not friends with and he starts talking to me almost more than ever. He has always been the initiator. He calls, texts, asks me for advice, teases me, has nicknames for me, tells me he loves me. I have overheard him having a convo with a mutual friend about how amazing I am. A mutual friend of ours said she thinks he has a crush on me. I mean he talks about me to other people when I'm not there. He talks about me being in his future- not his current girl. I just am so confused. Am I mistaking friendship for love? It just sucks I feel as though a lot goes unsaid between us. Other people point out how he flirts with me. He never acts like this w his current girl. He would be touchy feely with her but they don't have chemistry like we do. It feels like we're always messing with each other but when he takes it too far he immediately apologizes and tells me he's playing. He also has some very strange behavior in regards to me. He has purposely burned me with a cigarette and he caused me to be burned by someone else's on another occasion just messing with me. Then one night he wanted to freak me out and was pretending to cut himself w something I broke and he really did. On some rare occasions though he seems different. Not flirty and obvious but kind of like brooding and in a weird head space. Maybe it's his current sitch and not me. We see each other at least 4 times a week 98.9 times initiated by him. So confused...why me?
Toddbt12y1 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I think he likes you. Has a crush. Otherwise you wouldn't be so constant in his life, and why? I do not know sadly. 1
imtooconfused Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Let's get this out of the way first... So it's almost certain this guy does have a crush on you. That probably should have been pretty obvious from the start when he hit on you and you rebuffed him. It seems so clear to me that other people shouldn't need to point that out to you. That should answer the original question, but... So what's so awkward? What are your feelings towards him? Are you in a relationship with anyone else at this time? Open to a relationship with him? OK we know he has a girlfriend. But the way he connects with you, it seems very likely that she is just a fill in to redirect the energy he has for you in another direction. If he obsesses over you more than his GF, that can't be very healthy for their relationship. But most importantly you say that a lot goes unsaid. Why can't you talk about your and his feelings together? You suspect he has a crush on you, why don't you ask him? Is it because you are afraid that the answer is yes and that you would hurt his feelings when he knows your true feelings? If that is the case, it's a 100% chance his feelings are going to get hurt. It's just a matter of when you want to hurt them and how badly. Someone in that situation will always hold out hope that a spark will turn into a flame. It would be best to talk to him and get everything out in the open. 1
Author Ashlyn Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 I'm just really confused bc I don't really know what my feelings for him are.... we are so close and I love our friendship but I feel like I friendzoned him in the beginning then i started to like him and another guy at the same time. Then he got a gf. Ihave 2 brothers who are extremely protective not to mention my dad... I grew up in a strict house and couldn't really date until I turned 18... I'm 23 now. I have guy issues. I have had 1 serious relationship that lasted almost 3 years. The guy is older than me 28 and is extremely experienced. This intrigues me lol. He's so opposite from me yet similar that I don't know what to think.... I do think he has a crush I'm just scared to reciprocate at this time. We have adult conversations but I just done even know how to go about it. He also tells me when we are drunk that I should hook up with a mutual guy friend in front of both of us. Then when I hang out with our mutual friend alone he acts strangely. I don't know if he just says that for a reaction or what. When we were still getting to know each other I mentioned my ex in general convo with another friend. He overheard some of the convo and thought I said I was in love with someone.. he reacted overly happy for me like fake telling me "that's great, good for u"it was strange. My brothers and other guy friends won't really talk abt relationships with me which is why I'm here and I'm too chicken **** to talk about it with my friend.
darkmoon Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) are you expecting him to leave her for you? he might do, or you will be a side-piece, so ask him to dump her - or are you afraid he'll say "no" to this? she might be great in bed, behind the scenes, so you will never know the full story Edited February 1, 2013 by darkmoon 1
Author Ashlyn Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 He broke up with her a cpl weeks ago after a conversation we had about their relationship... they still live together so yeah its a weird situation. Sex life is not good. He stopped having sex w her a month or more ago. So I really don't know they are in a weird place which in turn puts me in a weird place. Its weird how writing about this to complete strangers makes everything clearer. I'm an idiot and I need to keep my distance for now while she is still living there. Its just hard BC I like him and he initiates all of our contact
darkmoon Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) He broke up with her a cpl weeks ago after a conversation we had about their relationship... they still live together so yeah its a weird situation. Sex life is not good. He stopped having sex w her a month or more ago. So I really don't know they are in a weird place which in turn puts me in a weird place. Its weird how writing about this to complete strangers makes everything clearer. I'm an idiot and I need to keep my distance for now while she is still living there. Its just hard BC I like him and he initiates all of our contact let him initiate, have fun with this, but no sex til he's single, not in a 'wierd' place are you allowed to telephone him at home on his land-line? not his mobile in secret, but to talk together freely in front of her let him come back when they are no longer living together, if they really dislike each other, they'll part, couples do, as opposed to things going badly for a while, which she might decide to improve while she is in a better position than you to do this as they still share a home, she easily could seduce him, a minefield, risky for you, they used to make love, and have easy chances to again men can lie about screwing who they live with...and plz don't rush to his defence til he's proved his love for you, proved by leaving her - do not be an' idiot' like you say xx wait xx i have the impression you won't accept any opinions that stop you crushing or even expecting his devoted love, ok, but avoid turning into the side-piece - be careful they don't just start to get on better, leaving you you in a minor painful but loved-up role Edited February 1, 2013 by darkmoon 1
Author Ashlyn Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Thanks for your advice. I'm definitely not going to be a side piece to anyone. I deserve to be a one and only. He doesn't keep our friendship secret he calls me when she's right there. We hang out at his house when she's there and he exhibits his flirty behavior with me right in front of her and anyone else around. I feel comfortable texting, calling, hanging out with them she's no stranger to our closeness. Of course I don't think she's a fan. I wouldn't be but we are cordial with each other in these instances as we are forced to hang out togther BC we want to hang out w him and our other mutual friends. No known bad blood btw me and the girl I am in no way trying to undermine or come between his relationship he comes to me about it and how he's unhappy blah blah. The girl and I have some friends in common and she complains of lack of sex. His guy best friend has confirmed this also..... I know they have the ability to get back together, sleep together etc. It doesn't bother me I'm not jealous or threatened by her. What does bother me is that we both seem to have feelings for each other that are just lying in wait until this girl goes away which I feel will eventually happen but I can't wait forever.... the girl is basically a gold digger who is trying to get whatever she can out of her relationship with him. Ie. Super cool place to live in a great location. She literally broke up with her last live in bf moved in with my friend as a roommate and started sleeping with him with in a week.. she will probably stay around until she finds a new guy with money. 1
imtooconfused Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Its weird how writing about this to complete strangers makes everything clearer. That's exactly what this site is about. So reading this thread some more, I believe that he could be trying lie to you about not being together with the woman living with him, but I seriously doubt it. It sounds like he's really into you and if anything his feelings for you probably got in the way of that relationship behind the scenes. If she is a gold digger like you say, you should "as a friend" convince him that she's no good for him and that he needs to get her out of his life. Help him to see that she is wrong for him and that he "deserves so much better" without explicitly starting up with him until he is free of her. Just a thought.
Author Ashlyn Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Thanks so much for your feedback! We were hanging out tonight.he called me initiated and we met up with another friend for drinks. Him and his friend both flirt with me... maybe I take it as flirting and its just friendship but I feel like its flirting. 2 guys that I'm friends with were pretty touchy but my guy friend didn't seem jealous. He even suggested that I would let one of the guys take me home..... At the bar his roommate/ex gf txt him and he showed me all of the txts . He said he wanted them to be try and be friends . He also told me and our other friend that he is considering handing her money to assist her in moving out of his house. They don't sleep in the same room, haven't had sex in a month and haven't kissed in 2 wks. All things he told me with his best guy friend there as well. We went to hang out at his house and he has a puppy. He wanted a dog and kind of got it to appease the girl. Well she's over the dog now so he tells me while holding the puppy that it is our puppy. That him and I would look after her and that it was not hers its ours. The ex came to hang out or to see what girls were in her house and he focused solely on me.there is so much more. He flirts like crazy but then doesn't seem mad when ppl flirt w me then he tells me that our mutual friend has been trying to sleep with me for weeks. Like I saidhes experienced I'm a prude at first so were opposite and he likes slutty girls I guess to bang and leave. I just can't tell if he likes me BC he confuses me so much sometimes.. why do guys act like this or is he just strange.?
Radu Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 I also came to this site to learn about relationships actually. Had a few, but i could not figure out boundaries and what women meant/wanted to mean ... or even how to handle myself. Reading the forums about relationships is a good way to gain experience, and that experience can be placed in all sorts of relationships, not just romantic ones. Now, with that out of the way ... i'm worried about the whole cigarette burning and cutting thing. Could you pls go into more detail with those ? At the very least that's HS behaviour for guys, not the type that a 28yr old should have. 1
imtooconfused Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 2 guys that I'm friends with were pretty touchy but my guy friend didn't seem jealous. He even suggested that I would let one of the guys take me home..... ... He flirts like crazy but then doesn't seem mad when ppl flirt w me then he tells me that our mutual friend has been trying to sleep with me for weeks. I wonder exactly how he acts when other guys flirt with you, especially his friends who probably tells him exactly how much they are interested in you themselves. I ask because he may be giving you space to see how you react to other guys. A guy in the friendzone is just as confused about the girl in that situation. He might be asking himself "Why does she let me flirt with her but still only wants to be friends? Does she just flirt with all the guys like she flirts with me? Is she interested in my friend (the one who wants to sleep with her) more than me?" It's not exactly testing you, but trying to understand your boundaries with him and others. Well she's over the dog now so he tells me while holding the puppy that it is our puppy. That him and I would look after her and that it was not hers its ours. The dog was a sign of affection to the ex but that's all over now. Whether you like dogs or not, he is offering the puppy to YOU as a sign of affection. If you are waiting for a sign to slap you in the face, I can't think of anything more obvious. i'm worried about the whole cigarette burning and cutting thing. Yes, that one bothers me a lot too. If that behavior is ongoing, you might want to have a talk about that. 1
Author Ashlyn Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Seriously thank u all so much for replying to this. I'm so glad I found this forum. I live in a little big city where it seems I cannot escape the same ppl. Everyone knows everyone. Its hard to talk about this and it not be spread around downtown in 10 minutes. I'll try to provide more insight into what happend with the burning/cutting. The 1st time I was at the bar after a basketball game that our mutual friend took me to... we were sitting in the bar and he and his gf came to meet us. He was trying to get my attention.... as usual lol and I wasn't really focused on him.. well he comes over and takes me by surprise that's my hand and pushes it in the direction of our friends cig and I hit the cherry of the cig w the back of my hand as a result.... that one I'll kind of chalk up to an accident. I don't know if he intended for my hand to go there or not. I gave him lots of crap for it. The 2nd time we were just sitting next to each other drinking and casually talking and this time he intentionally placed it on my arm, lightly for a cpl secs not like trying to put it out on me but still..... wtf I don't know if he felt like since I told ppl he burned me the first time that it was OK to just go ahead and do it. Other ppl around us definitely notice his crazy behavior that seems to cme out when I'm around. The cutting thing happened on a nite when we were drunk (we drink abt 3xs a wk) And I broke a piece of paraphernalia accidentally. This was a gift from the girl for Christmas. I apologized bc it was so unintentional it wasn't even funny and I offered to replace it. About a wk later we were hanging out and he got the broken glass out, told me I ruined Christmas and on the top of his arm he took it and pretended to cut himself but he really did. He has a small cut still and he was really drunk BC he immediately apologized right after and said it was the weirdest thing he had done and he had just wanted to freak me out not actually cut himself. He apologized to me about it again last night. He said he's never done anything like that b4. I don't know what to make of this type of behavior. I don't know if its frustration or sexual frustration or if he is just plain crazy (I know he's crazy) but hopefully not bat crap crazy. I definitely placed him in the friend zone but that's what I do. I don't have 1 night stands or casual sex so I friend zone everyone. I like to get to know ppl ... I'm just confused. As much as he exhibits interest he does something to make me think he doesn't like me like that. I think the situation is my fault all BC I wanted to get to know him as friends first and I dragged my feet BC I was conflicted abt my feelings and he went and got this filler gf. But he definitely makes it clear that he wants me to be in his life for a long time. He wants to talk to me about a business venture BC we are very similar in a business aspect. He says that I'm the only girl he can trust. When he talks about past experiences with girls he literally talks about them like they mean nothing.. hit and quit. He did open up and showed me pictures of his ex gf who I think he's still in love with but she's engaged to be married and he admitted to cheating on her a lot throughout their relationship.. i know we are friends but I don't know. So many mixed signals... I want us to stay friends. I would like to tell him how I feel but if its not reciprocated I will want to die. Not really but my feelings would be hurt. No one likes rejection and maybe we both think that would happen so were just stuck. Plus I have to wait until everything boils over with the girl. I know he is over it and just wants her to move out but we just found something out that she did to get her work schedule reduced meaning she's abt to have a lot less money and is probably going to try to live off my friend. Its a long story. Basically a soap opera. I'm so over this girl!!! Thanks again... you guys are awesome for even reading this crap
imtooconfused Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 Seriously thank u all so much for replying to this. I'm so glad I found this forum. I live in a little big city where it seems I cannot escape the same ppl. Everyone knows everyone. Its hard to talk about this and it not be spread around downtown in 10 minutes. I'm glad to have found this site too. I have lots of little issues and it helps me a lot to read other's posts. I definitely placed him in the friend zone but that's what I do. I don't have 1 night stands or casual sex so I friend zone everyone. I like to get to know ppl ... I'm just confused. As much as he exhibits interest he does something to make me think he doesn't like me like that. I think the situation is my fault all BC I wanted to get to know him as friends first and I dragged my feet BC I was conflicted abt my feelings and he went and got this filler gf. Being friends for a while makes a lot of sense. Friendship should be a component of any strong relationship. Moving from friend to lover can be tricky though. That's what this particular forum is all about. From your story, it sounds like you take longer than most and maybe missed one opportunity and are working to avoid missing the next opportunity. You will figure out when that time is right. 1
MidwestUSA Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 He burned you with a cig on purpose? Am I the only one who caught this? You need to cut ties. Now. Before he starts breaking bones, or worse. He is very bad news. 1
pteromom Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 He burned you with a cig on purpose? Am I the only one who caught this? You need to cut ties. Now. Before he starts breaking bones, or worse. He is very bad news. This was what stuck out to me too. And the explanation of it didn't make me feel better about it. At best, his burning you shows a lack of respect for your boundaries, and at worst, it gives a glimpse into a sick mind. I think you can do better. 1
Author Ashlyn Posted February 5, 2013 Author Posted February 5, 2013 Iyiyi. I know I must sound insane but I'm not. I know what he did was wrong and that his behavior has increasingly become crazier as we have become friends. I have no idea why he acts like this or does really weird things to me lately. I don't feel like I provoke him to do these things at all. I guess he's really immature among other things. We are really good friends he says that we are best friends so I know he doesn't mean to harm me but sometimes he does. I wanted to distance myself from him months ago and it didn't work. How do I do this? Its much easier said than done. He is going through a lot right now and I wouldn't want to abandon him as a friend. I need to talk to him about boundaries. It may not sound like it but he is a nice guy 97% of the time. I know he wouldn't intentionally hurt me. Sometimes he gets carried away I don't know if its the drinks that make him do it or what. He just told me that he drives by my house everyday and honks his horn. Granted I live on a street he sometimes might go down to go to this shop that is there but still. We live about 3 minutes away from each other driving and hang out with the same group of friends so I would basically have to change my whole life to weed him out. I just need to talk to him about his crazy behavior and see if he can chill. I probably could do better but I see so much potential. I wish I didn't have underlying feelings it makes it that much harder and makes me sound looney tunes.
pteromom Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I probably could do better but I see so much potential. I wish I didn't have underlying feelings it makes it that much harder and makes me sound looney tunes. No, no, no, no! Never get into a relationship with someone who has "potential". The problem with "potential" is that you are projecting what you see in someone onto them, as if that is what THEY want, and as if they are capable of it. If he has behaviors that are crazy, drinks enough to where you think the crazy behaviors *might* be due to drinking, and is immature, those are enough reasons to pass on him. You may have feelings, but you have control over your actions. Decisions about who to date need to be made with your heart AND your head. A relationship is hard enough between two people who are happy, mature, and stable. If you move forward with him based on your "feelings" about his "potential", you are signing up for confusion, drama, and disappointment.
pteromom Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Remember that someone doesn't show you all of them until they feel secure that you wouldn't run away. If he's burning you with a cigarette before you are even dating, that's a HUGE RED FLAG. You can "talk to him about his crazy behavior", but he's showing you who he is. He may be able to dial it back, but that doesn't mean he's changed. 1
Author Ashlyn Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 Pteromom. You are awesome. Thank you for your advice! I understand exactly what you are saying about the potential thing. I need to just get over it. He is kind of bad news. Good ,nice person but also very wild and crazy and I'm very opposite from that. It will be best for us to stay friends and for me to set some distance and look at a better option for me. Thank you!! 1
uglie_mq Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 woah! the same thing happened to me last year and I've never seen him again after his confession lol... I guess there is no true friendship between different genders unless one of them is gay. The question is do you have feelings for him? If you do, things are easy! Fall in love with your best friend is the best thing ever! 1
Author Ashlyn Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 Lol its true its really hard to find platonic friendships someone always catches feelings. We are still best friends. I did have more than friend feelings for him but seeing him in this last relationship let's me know that it would never ever work. Plus his previous behavior with me tells me he would go literally insane if we dated and broke up. I've started casually seeing someone outside my circle of friends.. I think its for the best!
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