biggulp Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Any input or advice would be appreciated. I have developed feelings for a professor of mine that I have diligently avoided for a long while now. However, these feelings refuse to take a back seat, leaving me wondering why he is so hard to forget about. I go through periods of dating and thinking about other guys, but my strongest feelings always come back to him. He is married and the kindest person I have had the pleasure of encountering. I have made my feelings obvious through flirtation and invitations, and he has told me plainly that anything of that sort would be unprofessional. I am friends with him on a popular social networking site, and I have to witness his charm every time I check it, which doesn't help matters. I am pretty sure of course it wouldn't be right to reveal these feelings outright, I'm thinking that would probably do nothing much but make things even more awkward than they are presently (aside from the immorality of it). I know myself pretty well, and while I can usually get over unreturned feelings pretty quickly, this is torturing me. But I don't want to have any sort of drama i.e. de-friending him so I don't have to think about him so much, I don't want to let him know I'm still thinking of him at all! It makes me weary that I may let my heart win and make a fool of myself once again when I should accept his initial answer most certainly. But since I know for a fact he already has a hunch, and is being really understanding about it, what are measures I should take to make sure I don't make him uncomfortable in the future? The point of this is that I would hate to miss out his courses which are part of my main field of study. The other point being I would get physical with him if he consented to it, as I'm sometimes not sure (when I crush it's hard to tell flirtation from friendliness from men). I should mention I am the type of girl who is bold and hides little when I'm attracted to someone physically. I am pretty attractive myself as well, so it makes me think I "have a chance" whatever that means. Sometimes I get the feeling he welcomes the attention, other times I feel like it's too weird to be so taken by someone I hardly know,and he would probably get scared if he knew how much I think of him. I would do anything to take another course of his without these feelings and awkwardness getting in the way. I am taken by his interests and intelligence, he is romantic and passionate. When I met him I felt like I had known him for a while. Should I keep my distance or attempt to make a friendship and be a decent student? thanks for reading! This was hard to say, I'm thinking I should keep on my path to forgetting about him, but needed other viewpoints so thank you.
in_absentia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 The best thing you can do is to just leave him alone, don't try and be 'friends', carry on studying his courses if you would be doing so even without these feelings, but keep your feelings to yourself and they will eventually subside. He won't risk his career for a fling with a student, and probably won't risk his marriage for the same. You have absolutely no chance in this situation, and reading things into it about him maybe enjoying the attention is probably just your imagination. I know how hard it can be to resist this kind of thing but you're not gonna get what you want out of it. I had a bit of a thing for a prof in my university while I was an undergrad and did end up seeing him for a few months, but we waited until a) I graduated and luckily simultaneously b) he left the university for a better post in a different city. He was single, though!
Esoteric Elf Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He won't risk his career for a fling with a student, and probably won't risk his marriage for the same. You have absolutely no chance in this situation, and reading things into it about him maybe enjoying the attention is probably just your imagination. How do you know this? A professor was terminated at a university where I work for living in residence with one of his student's two semesters ago. My father was (is) a professor and my mother was his student. I was panning on giving a few suggestions, but I see he is married, which complicates the situation like heck for any pleasure you may want out of it. I would suggest not to pursue him.
in_absentia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 How do you know this? A professor was terminated at a university where I work for living in residence with one of his student's two semesters ago. My father was (is) a professor and my mother was his student. I was panning on giving a few suggestions, but I see he is married, which complicates the situation like heck for any pleasure you may want out of it. I would suggest not to pursue him. I don't know, but it's an educated guess based on his behaviour so far (discouraging her, not encouraging her). But yes, the marriage factor is the most important thing in this situation. 1
MidwestUSA Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Why is it "drama" to unfriend him? He will never know if you do. Stop Facebook stalking him. Find classes with another professor. You are pretty much here asking permission to throw yourself on him, and he has made it clear that is not acceptable. What don't you understand? 3
Author biggulp Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 thank you all for the advice. i will have to agree with you that i won't push this any further. You worded it best in absentia, he more than likely won't risk his career or marriage for a fling. you are lucky by the way. my feelings are that i may have been pushy so that is why he is my friend online, (we became after the fact of my physical advances) so i hope and after some thinking I hope you might be right, Midwest USA. I'm still afraid to defriend, however?? Do I just "do it"? I'm so lame for overthinking this part. I guess you are right, it is a shame on my behalf, I really admire him as a professor to a large extent and looked forward to his classes, but I have my rose glasses on too, and can probably find other courses to fulfill my field requirement. I don't believe I'm asking to "throw myself at him", but there are veritable actions of his I tend to mistake as flirting. I hesitate to go into too much detail, but there were times where he could have avoided me and didn't...but at last I intend to think that is his good nature again!!!!! But you are right, I need to respect his words and especially his marriage, I know I wouldn't bust it up, but those were my intentions from the start (no romantic intentions, as soon as I saw his ring, which is just the way i am), and then I started seeing him around the city and school here and there, he was very kind to me and to be clear conducted himself really well, really only a couple of times I might mistake for flirting....so these feelings kind of invaded me slowly, and then one day I realized with great clarity and quite suddenly how attracted I was to him...and the idea of some sort of fling entered my mind, and it can just feel very exciting. Thanks for the advice. Esoteric elf, that is my conclusion too, I will not pursue him. After a while if this wanes I'll give myself a chance to take his courses again. 1
in_absentia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Good for you, for realising that it's such a bad idea. You're really only causing yourself pain by considering pursuing it, and causing him hassle trying to deflect everything politely. Sounds like an overwhelming crush but I swear it will subside, and some day you might look back on it and wonder what the hell you were thinking! I get those crushes 1
Author biggulp Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 thanks is IS overwhelming, he is immensely kind and possesses an amazing intellect. I have had crushes before, so I am familiar with that "what was I thinking" feeling. They usually subside when I find out they have a partner or girlfriend, or in getting to know them... so this is sort of insane to me! I just want it to end! I must admit, a while back I posted a status about hating terminal crushes and wishing the feelings would stop invading me, as it's not too fun to not be liked in return. After that I notice he altogether stopped "liking" my statuses and pictures and he did before. He knows I am a knave for him. :/ School is coming up for me again, so I needed this advice, thank you!!!!
MidwestUSA Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Realize, too, that true professionals, who are exposed to a lot of people (in his case on and off campus) are geared to be polite and friendly. It appears you have read more into this politeness than is there. Be polite in return, it's good practice for you being out in the working world later. But, take it no further!
Author biggulp Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) I do realize that some people are people people, but you never know with a person, but i believe you're right that I read into it too much. on the whole i think it makes more sense to side with you and not to take it further! Edited February 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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