veggirl Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Omg do not send that message. Read this thread again. You will look soooo desperate if you send that text. So desperate. 2
Granin Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 So what if she does? A) We know she isn't pathetic or desperate, she knows she isn't, she just wants a clear answer WHICH IS THE BEST THING EVER because a lot of people love layering dating with confusion and that is the inherent problem with dating B) All of you people claiming that asking him for an honest response makes her look desperate, have also told her that the man is not interested. If he isn't interested, that text is not going to make things any worse, how can it? All it is going to do is get her a definitive conclusion, and at that point, who cares what this guy thinks? C) If he is still interested, that text is not going to be the thing that puts him off. If I was genuinely busy and couldn't make time for someone I was interested in at that time, her asking if I was interested at all would: 1) Reaffirm that she is and is thinking about me despite my unavailability, I'd appreciate that 2) Alleviate some guilt I was having about not having time at the moment, I'd appreciate that 3) Demonstrate she wants a clear picture of where things are, and any sane person dating who doesn't thrive on ambiguity and drama would appreciate that If he ignores it, you've got your answer and he can carry on being a coward. If he answers honestly, either way, you've got your answer and can put your mind to rest and you've given him the nudge to have some balls and speak his mind (albeit in messaging and not even to your face, so if he hasn't got the balls for even that he's a complete wuss) 1
veggirl Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 It's been FOUR dates. He is trying to fade. He doesn't want to give a clear answer and he will avoid doing it. If you have to ask someone if they are interested, they AREN'T. Yes it would be nice if he'd just said "hey you're a cool girl but I'm just not feeling it" but hardly anyone actually does that. It's just how it is. If he was interested he wouldn't need her to goad him into saying he is. He has not offered any alternative dates, no "I'll be free on X day", nothing. for goodness sake he couldn't even commit to hanging out with her on a day 2 WEEKS AWAY!
serial muse Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 OP, think about it this way. Do you really want to date a wishy-washy guy who you have to bug multiple times to get him to respond to you directly? If so, why? I know it's frustrating when people won't be direct with you - I hate that too. But some people can't do it, and you know what? That's enough information right there for you - you don't need that in your life, do you? Imagine how annoying this would be down the road, when you're really emotionally invested. At least now you can cut your losses cleanly.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 OP, think about it this way. Do you really want to date a wishy-washy guy who you have to bug multiple times to get him to respond to you directly? If so, why? I know it's frustrating when people won't be direct with you - I hate that too. But some people can't do it, and you know what? That's enough information right there for you - you don't need that in your life, do you? Imagine how annoying this would be down the road, when you're really emotionally invested. At least now you can cut your losses cleanly. Thanks, you're right. I think that part of me wanted it to work out just to serve my ego. Yes, I enjoyed the dates we had, but didn't really feel a spark. I've had limited difference so I'm not even sure if that exists or whether it takes time to build ... anyone have any ideas?
ltjg45 Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 We need more women that outright say that they want without me having to play mind games. You did the right thing. Leave him alone and move on. If he was interested in you than more than a mere one-night stand, he would have responded quickly to it.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 3, 2013 Author Posted February 3, 2013 So what if she does? A) We know she isn't pathetic or desperate, she knows she isn't, she just wants a clear answer WHICH IS THE BEST THING EVER because a lot of people love layering dating with confusion and that is the inherent problem with dating B) All of you people claiming that asking him for an honest response makes her look desperate, have also told her that the man is not interested. If he isn't interested, that text is not going to make things any worse, how can it? All it is going to do is get her a definitive conclusion, and at that point, who cares what this guy thinks? C) If he is still interested, that text is not going to be the thing that puts him off. If I was genuinely busy and couldn't make time for someone I was interested in at that time, her asking if I was interested at all would: 1) Reaffirm that she is and is thinking about me despite my unavailability, I'd appreciate that 2) Alleviate some guilt I was having about not having time at the moment, I'd appreciate that 3) Demonstrate she wants a clear picture of where things are, and any sane person dating who doesn't thrive on ambiguity and drama would appreciate that If he ignores it, you've got your answer and he can carry on being a coward. If he answers honestly, either way, you've got your answer and can put your mind to rest and you've given him the nudge to have some balls and speak his mind (albeit in messaging and not even to your face, so if he hasn't got the balls for even that he's a complete wuss) I found this to be really useful advice. Anyway, I decided to message him. I know I'm not desperate and I think that more than anything, I just wanted a clear answer one way or the other. So after his "sorry, I've been busy, working long hours. It's not ideal" text, I replied with: "Hi Hope the rest of your week wasn't too busy and you're settling into the job ok. My week was pretty hectic too. I was kinda wondering what you meant in your last msg when you said 'it's not ideal'". A few weeks ago he was responding to my texts almost straight away. Anyway, now, just over 24 hours after I sent my text, he replied. I'd almost given up on him replying and was surprised that he had. This is what he wrote: "Ohh by not ideal I meant working long hours wasn't ideal, haha". Again, I'm not sure if he's just responding to be polite, or if he's trying to be noncommittal, or if he's not great at texting. Any thoughts? Either way, I think I'm going to move on. As I said, I haven't really felt a "spark" but I'm not really sure if that even exists. And perhaps if I show less interest (though I really wasn't showing that much, I don't think) he might show more? Or is that a myth?
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 After you asked him all that you may as well be straight forward. Ask to see him again.
Granin Posted February 3, 2013 Posted February 3, 2013 (edited) Get it done and find out! Be completely honest! Don't let anyone here tell you that you'd be damaging your pride or your dignity. Those things are just concepts that people invent to keep you acting the way they think you should or to be used as a general excuse to not get s**t done. It's repressive. When has your "pride" ever helped you with anything? Did your "pride" make you work hard in school to get good grades? Did your "pride" push you to win that sports event? Did your "pride" attribute to any success you've ever had? Pride is just the s**tty feeling you get when you lose, and the misplaced smugness you get when you win. I'm not going to say I'm devoid of it, no one truely is, but flush out as much as you can from your system. If you message this guy and get blown off, big deal. It might sting, you'll feel a little let down, but you've LEARNED something, and more importantly you learnt your way, the hard way, and that's the best way to learn. People anonymously passing along their unique wisdom to you online solves very little, especially in a situation like this where we only have the information you've offered us - a peephole at the picture. The real mistake, and this applies to almost everything in life, would be to do nothing. You'll go on not knowing and having learned NOTHING from the situation, consoling your confusion by convincing yourself that every poster in this thread was 100% right. But you'll never really know for sure. F**k pride, if nothing else this will serve as a great lesson and something you can grow from. After you find out you might join the swell of people on here telling you that you're pathetically wasting your time, or you may become the voice of opposition saying that isn't always the case and you found something with a really great guy by just being a little persistent and trusting. There's only one way to find out. Take pride in the fact you stuck your neck out and tried. That's the only thing you should ever take pride in. Edited February 3, 2013 by Granin 2
serial muse Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 As for Pride -- I think you've ALREADY gone out on a limb several times with this guy. I dont know how much clearer it can be. Yes, this. I think he's the one not being direct, and I frankly don't see what's in it for her at this point. I'm not even sure it's about pride. Just a waste of time.
Janesays Posted February 4, 2013 Posted February 4, 2013 I'd ignore him. A hot date with an even more awesome man will make you glad you walked away from this one and never looked back. Think of it this way: While you're wasting your time on Mr. FlipFlop, Mr. Right could be walking around the corner wishing for a 'come hither' look from you. Don't miss that opportunity by wasting one more moment checking for new texts on your cell! 1
snowflakes88 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 I cringed my way through most of this thread. You are affirmatively chasing him at this point. I would stop. 1
snowflakes88 Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Yes, this. I think he's the one not being direct, and I frankly don't see what's in it for her at this point. I'm not even sure it's about pride. Just a waste of time. Yup. And he's not GOING to be direct. As many posters have already pointed out, nobody likes to be the bad guy.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Pride has gone out of the window few texts go. Might as well keep hassling him until he has enough and directly rejects her. 1
veggirl Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 Pride has gone out of the window few texts go. Might as well keep hassling him until he has enough and directly rejects her. :laugh: this is true.
clia Posted February 5, 2013 Posted February 5, 2013 You cannot be this dense. Has he asked you out? No? Then guess what -- he's not interested. Please, for the love of God, stop texting this man.
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Ok, So I've basically gotten him out of my head. I didn't contact him after his last text (the one where he clarified his "not ideal" comment by saying that him "working long hours isn't ideal). Anyway, today is a week later and he just texted me. Seemingly out of the blue. All he said was "How's your weekend been?!" I haven't responded yet, but I wanted peoples' opinions. The way I see it, he'd contact me if he's interested, and not contact me if he's not interested. So with the inconsistency? I hadn't heard from him and thought he'd moved on, and I just about had as well. But then he sends me this message randomly? Is he still interested?
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Do you want to be a back up option? You deserve better than that. 1
clia Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Your response should be one positive word followed by an exclamation point. Fabulous! Awesome! Great! That's it. See what he wants to do next.
strawberryshortstack Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I found this to be really useful advice. Anyway, I decided to message him. I know I'm not desperate and I think that more than anything, I just wanted a clear answer one way or the other. So after his "sorry, I've been busy, working long hours. It's not ideal" text, I replied with: "Hi Hope the rest of your week wasn't too busy and you're settling into the job ok. My week was pretty hectic too. I was kinda wondering what you meant in your last msg when you said 'it's not ideal'". A few weeks ago he was responding to my texts almost straight away. Anyway, now, just over 24 hours after I sent my text, he replied. I'd almost given up on him replying and was surprised that he had. This is what he wrote: "Ohh by not ideal I meant working long hours wasn't ideal, haha". Again, I'm not sure if he's just responding to be polite, or if he's trying to be noncommittal, or if he's not great at texting. Any thoughts? Either way, I think I'm going to move on. As I said, I haven't really felt a "spark" but I'm not really sure if that even exists. And perhaps if I show less interest (though I really wasn't showing that much, I don't think) he might show more? Or is that a myth? Don't take this the wrong way, but why are you expending so much energy on someone you didn't even feel a spark with?
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Don't take this the wrong way, but why are you expending so much energy on someone you didn't even feel a spark with? That's a really good question! I think it's because I haven't had much experience before and I just wanted to give things a go, I suppose. You know, just test the waters a little bit. I'm not one who gives up easily. Also, as I think I may have mentioned before, I think my pride is coming into play. Some part of me things that I don't want to 'lose'. Probably not the right reason to pursue a relationship with someone ...
strawberryshortstack Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 That's a really good question! I think it's because I haven't had much experience before and I just wanted to give things a go, I suppose. You know, just test the waters a little bit. I'm not one who gives up easily. Also, as I think I may have mentioned before, I think my pride is coming into play. Some part of me things that I don't want to 'lose'. Probably not the right reason to pursue a relationship with someone ... Nope. And if you just let him go and live your own life, you're not losing. 1
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 On the fourth date I had to admit that I was quite inexperienced and said that I didn't want to have sex until I was in a loving and committed relationship. (I thought it was better to be truthful and upfront). After that date, he didn't contact me. This should be a hint. Why are you still chasing this guy?
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