the_entertainer1 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Earlier in January I met this guy. We actually met through a dating site and have been emailing and texting since early December, and found out that we had some mutual friends. In the first two weeks of January, we went on 4 dates. We didn't kiss until the fourth date. He seems nervous around me but claims he isn't. On the fourth date I had to admit that I was quite inexperienced and said that I didn't want to have sex until I was in a loving and committed relationship. (I thought it was better to be truthful and upfront). After that date, he didn't contact me. I texted him and he replied a few times, but he stopped initiating texts. So then I did. I thought that my inexperience might have put him off, so I was almost going to move on. But I gave him another chance and suggested we see each other last Saturday night. He replied and said that he was going to be at the pub with his mates during the day so wasn't too sure. I didn't hear back from him. Then I was actually going to give up on him but he messaged me, asking how my weekend had been. I replied but got to response from him. So then I decided to be completely honest with him. Today I messaged him saying that I was getting mixed signals from him, that I was thinking we could do something on Valentine's Day, but that now I wasn't sure. I didn't want to scare him off but I'm sick of not knowing where we stand. He just replied with "Hey sorry, I have been really busy with work this week, working long hours etc ... it's not ideal." I know he just started a new job and is really busy. I'm busy at work too, so I totally get that. But he didn't really address the main gist of my text, which was whether or not he wants to see me again or whether I should move on. What are your thoughts? How should I reply? I've been trying pretty hard not to seem too keen, and to give him space and all that, but I'm sick of not knowing where we stand.
Mr_Flay Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 In my case, "busy at work" and "hectic week" have always been code words for rejection. It seems like he doesn't really like you all that much, but isn't repulsed by you either, so he wants you to hang around. Your saying "thinking that we could do something on V-Day, but now I'm not sure" (emphasis mine) has a huge hedge around it. You need to be sure of yourself and ask something substantial, like "Hey would you like to hang out/do ____ that Thursday?" He could be more decisive himself, but you'll be more content knowing that you did your part by asking a direct questions, not just testing the waters with "maybes".
Ladybugz Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 i was like you go girl girl power. till i saw you sending mixed text to him. saying he is sending mixed signals....? make no sense. if you say he sends mixed signals you dont ask him to do more romantic stuff. like brush his behavior yourself. and he just wanted sex with you as sooner. but cause you told him what kind of girl you are, he may have thought , i cant get sex soon, so i leave. this is all i can think of as his reason. so be happy. move on. there are better guys.
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 ....How should I reply? I've been trying pretty hard not to seem too keen, and to give him space and all that, but I'm sick of not knowing where we stand. Don't reply, don't text, don't suggest anything further. You've put the suggestion out there, and he hasn't picked up. That tells you where you stand. Loud and clear, sadly. Leave it be. Fall off his radar, and go get some fun elsewhere. If he contacts you in the future, weigh up what he's saying, and come back here and tell us, before replying. We'll help you out..... 5
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Earlier in January I met this guy. We actually met through a dating site and have been emailing and texting since early December, and found out that we had some mutual friends. In the first two weeks of January, we went on 4 dates. We didn't kiss until the fourth date. He seems nervous around me but claims he isn't. On the fourth date I had to admit that I was quite inexperienced and said that I didn't want to have sex until I was in a loving and committed relationship. (I thought it was better to be truthful and upfront). After that date, he didn't contact me. I texted him and he replied a few times, but he stopped initiating texts. So then I did. I thought that my inexperience might have put him off, so I was almost going to move on. But I gave him another chance and suggested we see each other last Saturday night. He replied and said that he was going to be at the pub with his mates during the day so wasn't too sure. I didn't hear back from him. Then I was actually going to give up on him but he messaged me, asking how my weekend had been. I replied but got to response from him. So then I decided to be completely honest with him. Today I messaged him saying that I was getting mixed signals from him, that I was thinking we could do something on Valentine's Day, but that now I wasn't sure. I didn't want to scare him off but I'm sick of not knowing where we stand. He just replied with "Hey sorry, I have been really busy with work this week, working long hours etc ... it's not ideal." I know he just started a new job and is really busy. I'm busy at work too, so I totally get that. But he didn't really address the main gist of my text, which was whether or not he wants to see me again or whether I should move on. What are your thoughts? How should I reply? I've been trying pretty hard not to seem too keen, and to give him space and all that, but I'm sick of not knowing where we stand. I am sorry, he only wanted sex so if you are looking for a relationship... you did totally the right thing! He would have used you for sex and move on... as is clear he doesn't have any other interest on you. There are tons of good guys out there, you will get the one you deserve! 1
oldschool1 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Good for you for being honest! You probably saved yourself from a much worse situation (i.e. having sex but never seeing him again). It sounds like you all just didn't match up. It IS possible that he has been busy at work, but that seems unlikely. When busy people are interested in dating, they still make time on the weekends (usually). At least his correspondences were polite--some people don't even write back. Sorry to hear that this happened, but you will meet someone else soon! And there's no reason to burn bridges; perhaps he will end up calling you after all. 1
Andy_K Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He's not really interested. He might be interested in just sex, but since you're inexperienced and you've made it clear you don't want to do that outside of a relationship, he's backed off. He's at least being courteous enough to reply, but don't mistake that for interest. 1
Ladybugz Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 If he contacts you in the future, weigh up what he's saying, and come back here and tell us, before replying. We'll help you out..... now you sound like a big sister.......... lol............sweet:)
ChessPieceFace Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Either he is busy at the new job (which has to be stressful) or he is just a player who only wanted sex. Which of those is the case, no one here knows, including me. But it would be stupid to walk away when you don't know which is the case.
in_absentia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He's not interested. He isn't actually sending you mixed signals, all he's doing is replying to you but without initiating or wanting to take things further; that's a clear signal he's not interested, but that he's not gonna 100% blank you. 1
Tally123 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Move on, delete, delete, delete. Any guy who hardly texts you and uses "sorry been busy at work" as an excuse, is not interested. It takes two minutes to send a text message, actually 10 seconds. i have had guys feed me that line before and I bought it. I am now lucky enough to have found a great guy who wanted to spend time with me...once you find one of those, you will know for sure when someone is actually interested in you. It shouldnt be hard...it should be easy. Good Luck T 3
Eternal Sunshine Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He sounds well mannered enough not to ignore your texts, but he is not interested. 1
Granin Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You could have been more direct and just asked him if he was interested or not. You never know, he could be completely swamped and depressed about work and its completely occupied his mind. He could just be testing you to see how clingy or emotionally needy you are. He may well just be trying to politely blow you off. There is no such thing as that though. This is why it's always best to be completely honest. Ignore him. If he ever initiates a conversation with you again, ask him straight out, and decide how to proceed from his response. 1
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Your saying "thinking that we could do something on V-Day, but now I'm not sure" (emphasis mine) has a huge hedge around it. You need to be sure of yourself and ask something substantial, like "Hey would you like to hang out/do ____ that Thursday?" He could be more decisive himself, but you'll be more content knowing that you did your part by asking a direct questions, not just testing the waters with "maybes". That's a good point you raise - but I purposely used "maybes". Basically I was trying to convey the fact that I'd wanted to see him again, but at the same time was annoyed by the inconsistency of his responses - meaning that unless he started pulling his act together, he might be losing out on an opportunity ... I think another part of my issue is that I'm not completely thrilled about him in general. Yes, I think he's a nice guy. There was some chemistry between us. He seemed to enjoy kissing me, lol. But we both thought that things seemed a bit awkward when we met up (a little less awkward after we'd kissed though). I'm a little bit confused in myself about why I want to see him again: if it's actually because I like him, or because it's an ego thing and I want to 'win', so to speak. Does that make sense?
Author the_entertainer1 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 You could have been more direct and just asked him if he was interested or not. You never know, he could be completely swamped and depressed about work and its completely occupied his mind. He could just be testing you to see how clingy or emotionally needy you are. He may well just be trying to politely blow you off. There is no such thing as that though. This is why it's always best to be completely honest. Ignore him. If he ever initiates a conversation with you again, ask him straight out, and decide how to proceed from his response. So am I meant to just ignore his message for the time being? If we were 'friends', I'd reply and say that I hope work wasn't too stressful and that he's coping ok with the new job. I'd say that anyway because I'm a nice person, lol. But I want my communication to be a little bit more purposeful. I'm tempted to reply and just ask him straight out whether he's interested or not. Maybe he is just replying to be polite but then why would he contact me again, as he did a couple of days ago? (I was actually going to move on when I didn't hear from him after the weekend but then when he contacted me I thought he might have changed his mind.) Is he just playing games? He said he was looking for a relationship rather than a random hook-up ...
Granin Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So am I meant to just ignore his message for the time being? If we were 'friends', I'd reply and say that I hope work wasn't too stressful and that he's coping ok with the new job. I'd say that anyway because I'm a nice person, lol. But I want my communication to be a little bit more purposeful. I'm tempted to reply and just ask him straight out whether he's interested or not. Maybe he is just replying to be polite but then why would he contact me again, as he did a couple of days ago? (I was actually going to move on when I didn't hear from him after the weekend but then when he contacted me I thought he might have changed his mind.) Is he just playing games? He said he was looking for a relationship rather than a random hook-up ... Haha, I know exactly how you feel. If it is really playing on your mind, and I can totally understand how it would, ask him right now. Tell him how you feel, and ask him how he feels. No subliminal messaging. Just rip off the plaster. The truth is no one here knows how he feels or why he's doing what he is doing, only he does, so unless you want this to go on and on and on, you have to ask him. Be prepared for the worst, hope for the best. Good luck.
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So am I meant to just ignore his message for the time being? If we were 'friends', I'd reply and say that I hope work wasn't too stressful and that he's coping ok with the new job. I'd say that anyway because I'm a nice person, lol. But I want my communication to be a little bit more purposeful. I'm tempted to reply and just ask him straight out whether he's interested or not. Maybe he is just replying to be polite but then why would he contact me again, as he did a couple of days ago? (I was actually going to move on when I didn't hear from him after the weekend but then when he contacted me I thought he might have changed his mind.) Is he just playing games? He said he was looking for a relationship rather than a random hook-up ... No....Please follow our advice. The thing about guys you chase, is that when the chasing stops, their curiosity starts..... Wait. Say nothing. Do Nothing. Send Nothing. I guarantee you, that you'll be back before you know it, with "Well, he just texted me, and......" Like I said. Before replying to THAT, run it by us.... we'll all figure it out together. 2
veggirl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 "Busy" is always, always, always an excuse. It is a blow off. No one is TOO BUSY. If he was too busy he wouldn't be on a dating site, he wouldn't be going drinking with friends. Do not text him, he knows you are interested and "hope you are well" or whatever doesn't make you look like a friend, it makes you look like you are chasing him (which you are). Forget him. You guys aren't friends, you barely know him. 1
Granin Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 It isn't, at least not in my experience. Particularly when people are about to start exams and the like. Just ask and find out, no amount of advice from anyone is going to answer. If you ask him straight out and he tells you no, so what? You may feel like an idiot for not taking his hints or his signals, but he should have been more blunt to begin with, and at least you'll know and you can put him out of your mind and you can move on. The longer this goes on, the more invested you are into something that doesn't deserve your time.
clia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 This guy was giving you no mixed signals at all. If a guy is not initiating contact with you and asking you out on dates, he isn't interested. The fact that he was polite enough to not just completely blow you off when you texted him doesn't mean he was sending you any kind of message. He wasn't asking you out. He wasn't initiating anything. Therefore, not interested. Time for some tough love. I mean, let's just break this down: Earlier in January I met this guy. We actually met through a dating site and have been emailing and texting since early December, and found out that we had some mutual friends. In the first two weeks of January, we went on 4 dates. We didn't kiss until the fourth date. He seems nervous around me but claims he isn't. On the fourth date I had to admit that I was quite inexperienced and said that I didn't want to have sex until I was in a loving and committed relationship. (I thought it was better to be truthful and upfront). Okay, great, you went on four dates. After that date, he didn't contact me. I texted him and he replied a few times, but he stopped initiating texts. Blaring sign -- not interested! So then I did. I thought that my inexperience might have put him off, so I was almost going to move on. Maybe your inexperience put him off; maybe something else put him off. It doesn't matter when the end result is that he stopped contacting you. Your initial instinct was right -- you should have moved on. But I gave him another chance and suggested we see each other last Saturday night. I don't understand this you "gave him another chance." He stopped contacting you, not the other way around. He replied and said that he was going to be at the pub with his mates during the day so wasn't too sure. I didn't hear back from him. Blaring sign -- not interested. Then I was actually going to give up on him but he messaged me, asking how my weekend had been. I replied but got to response from him. He might've felt bad, so he contacted you. However, note that he did not try to make any plans with you. So then I decided to be completely honest with him. Today I messaged him saying that I was getting mixed signals from him, that I was thinking we could do something on Valentine's Day, but that now I wasn't sure. You were getting no mixed signals. All he has done is respond to you. He hasn't asked you out. And you were thinking about Valentine's Day, two weeks out when this guy hasn't recently been contacting you or making plans with you? I didn't want to scare him off but I'm sick of not knowing where we stand. This sounds crazy. He's not contacting you or asking you out. How could you not know where you stand? He's not interested. I know I keep repeating myself, but we women (me included) like to see things that aren't there sometimes. In this case, you have deluded yourself into thinking that you still have something going on with this guy because he was polite enough to respond to a few of your text messages. This is why most people just *poof* early on -- it's much easier. He just replied with "Hey sorry, I have been really busy with work this week, working long hours etc ... it's not ideal." "Busy" is a reasonable excuse when the person has informed you of their busy status without you having to ask, is still making an effort to remain in contact with you, and is making plans for the time after they aren't so "busy." However, when someone says they are "busy" and leaves it at that and doesn't contact you at all...it means they are not interested. I know he just started a new job and is really busy. I'm busy at work too, so I totally get that. But he didn't really address the main gist of my text, which was whether or not he wants to see me again or whether I should move on. Blaring sign -- he is not interested. He didn't address the main gist of your text because he is doing everything possible to make you get the hint without having to come out and say it. Yes, he lacks courage, but so do a lot of people when it comes to this kind of thing. What are your thoughts? How should I reply? I've been trying pretty hard not to seem too keen, and to give him space and all that, but I'm sick of not knowing where we stand. You don't stand anywhere with this guy. Don't reply -- just move on. In the future, pay more attention to the blaring signs that are all around you. 3
venusianx13 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 When a guy really likes you and values you, there will be no game-playing such as this. You were honest with him, and his response to that indicated what his underlying intentions entailed (at least largely). Be proud of yourself that you didn't compromise what you knew was right for you, only to find this out ATF.
serial muse Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Yep, I agree with those who say it sounds like he's just not interested. I think you made it clear you'd like to see him again, and put the ball firmly in his court. That he's not picking it up and running with it speaks volumes. I'd say let this one go.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You told him you wanted to wait to have sex until you were in a loving relationship, and then right after that, he bailed. This isn't rocket science. He didn't like you enough to wait around to get laid. But don't take it personally. You'll probably meet more men who pretend to want love when they really just want sex. One of the best things about waiting is you get to weed out those guys. 3
Author the_entertainer1 Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Haha, I know exactly how you feel. If it is really playing on your mind, and I can totally understand how it would, ask him right now. Tell him how you feel, and ask him how he feels. No subliminal messaging. Just rip off the plaster. The truth is no one here knows how he feels or why he's doing what he is doing, only he does, so unless you want this to go on and on and on, you have to ask him. Be prepared for the worst, hope for the best. Good luck. So I actually like this advice the best (though I have listened to what everyone else has said). I hate trying to read signs and signals and would rather have a clear and definite response one way or the other. I don't see why people can't just be honest with each other. So anyway, I was thinking of texting him: 'When you say "it's not ideal", what exactly do you mean? If you don't want to catch up again I'd rather you just told me ...' What do you think? At least that way I'll know for sure ...
RachR Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 (edited) So I actually like this advice the best (though I have listened to what everyone else has said). I hate trying to read signs and signals and would rather have a clear and definite response one way or the other. I don't see why people can't just be honest with each other. So anyway, I was thinking of texting him: 'When you say "it's not ideal", what exactly do you mean? If you don't want to catch up again I'd rather you just told me ...' What do you think? At least that way I'll know for sure ... That message will make you sound pathetic and desperate, but if that doesn't bother you, go for it. If he's not being honest, that's not for you to decide, you don't have control over people. Edited February 1, 2013 by RachR 1
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