UndoIt Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 My (ex)boyfriend broke up with me completely unexpectedly almost 3 weeks ago. During and since the BU I've just been getting very mixed signals and absolutely no answers as to why this is happening. Here is some background: We're both seniors in college (I'm 21, he's 22) and graduating in a couple of months. We dated almost two years and have been completely happy with no real problems. This was his first serious relationship, my second, but we were each other's first loves and sexual partners. I'm very close with both of his parents and his mom and I still talk every day (she thinks this might just be a phase for him). His dad and I are also close and he has stated that I am always welcome to call him, text, visit, etc. After graduation we were planning on moving halfway across the country with each other for grad school. Initially, I had issue with this level of commitment because I didn't want to move so far, but he was set on a location and ultimately I decided I would rather move than have things end at graduation. The trouble started in December when his grad school admission test didn't go as planned and he cancelled his score. He has basically given up on going to grad school next year and instead is applying for jobs (that are quite a reach for him). As soon as his prospects for next year started looking dismal, he said something like "sometimes I feel like I just need to make this move on my own". I said we should take some time apart then, and by the next morning he was taking it all back and was just "overwhelmed with stress, but head over heels in love" and still wanted me to move with him. Then came the breakup. He comes back from Christmas Break (about 1 month after cancelling his grad school test score) and says he just wants to be friends. His parents and friends and I all get along great, so I know he wasn't influenced by any of them. He is on the shy side and very loyal, and I know for a fact he hasn't met anyone and he's not cheating. During the BU he tells me he's still in love but wants to be friends because he's unhappy with himself. He wants to start working next year and can't be in a serious relationship when he starts his job (which he doesn't have yet). He says this doesn't mean it's over forever, but he can't be in a relationship right now and I shouldn't wait for him. He also says things won't change as much as I think they will. After the breakup, we still hung out for the first week. Things were weird to say the least. He was walking me to class, holding my hand, kissing me goodbye, bringing over wine, etc. But he wouldn't have sex or really be intimate at all. After about a week and a half I stopped replying to his texts and calls, and he would go crazy. He called three times and texted twice within 2 hours because I wasn't responding and he said he was worried (I had never ignored him before haha). He called before bed each night but I never answered. By the end of the week he texted to ask if I wanted to grab lunch. I tried the friends thing but after about 2 weeks of it I had enough of the games and entered NC. I'm hoping he'll see what life is like without me and come back, but I'm terrified that he'll just move on completely. He didn't get as emotional as I thought he would when I said he couldn't talk to me anymore. He's been as nice as one can be when ending a relationship, which makes it that much harder. If I text him, he'll respond. If I say I want space, he'll say he understands completely. His parents still text me to check in and stay in touch, and they do know that I'm not talking to their son right now. His parents have been better parents to my than my own, so I really don't want to lose them just because their son up and bailed. They also seem to think their son is just confused right now. Anyway, what do I do now?! I'm not sure if he'll come around or if I should just cut my losses and accept that it's over. He said he was pretty set on his decision, but what he's doing doesn't support that at all, and he's said very conflicting things as well. I've been spending time with my friends, planning some travel time, etc. but I just can't help but feel like he's the one and he'll come back. So any advice would be greatly appreciated!
FailedFirstLove Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I don't think he even knows what he wants... I think he wants to explore new things right now. maybe not girls but freedom of life and what he could do. Maybe his not ready for commitment... It's so hard with these things because you really don't know what will happen. 1
Sugarkane Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 If he thinks he made a mistake, he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. You should have to force someone to be with you. It seems a lot of people take what they had for granted. You deserve better.
Author UndoIt Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the responses! I do agree that it seems like he really doesn't know what he wants (his mom said that too the first time we talked after the breakup). For some awful reason I just can't accept that it's really over. Ugh. I'm trying to give him space and time to work things out but it's just so much harder than I anticipated! We're only on Day 3 of NC and I'm already going crazy and wondering if he's missing me or if he's enjoying his single life. Last time we talked, I asked him if he was happier now than when we were together and he said no. Okay, what am I supposed to do with that?! Edited January 31, 2013 by UndoIt
KatZee Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He says this doesn't mean it's over forever, but he can't be in a relationship right now and I shouldn't wait for him. He also says things won't change as much as I think they will. I think this is the only thing you need to be paying attention to. My ex said these exact same words to me. Word for word. Said he saw us getting back together. He was just stressed about his new job, about money, about where he was going in life. He said he needed to be single, to find himself, but that I shouldn't wait for him either. 6 weeks later I find out he's dating someone else. I have no doubts he met her while he was with me. The fact that he says, "don't wait for me" is HUGE. He doesn't sound like a guy in love with you. He sounds like a guy who is doing and saying anything to take guilt off himself. If he was in love with you, he would NEVER tell you not to wait, hell, he wouldn't be letting you go period. Guys are highly territorial and could never fathom other guys getting with the person they love. He's not worried about that at all. He doesn't want you hanging around for him. He wants you to move on. I'd stop with the contact, and as much as it's going to SUCK to pull back from his family, you need to. They've been better parents than your own but at the end of the day they're NOT your parents. They're his. I know how much this sucks b/c I became close with members of my exes family as well... and when he did this to me, I went cold turkey with everyone. NC all around. It was hard, but it gets easier much quicker if you just go NC. LC keeps you in limbo, it keeps you hoping, wishing, wanting, over analyzing, over thinking, and it keeps you stagnant and never moving forward. If he goes though all this crap and still wants you down the line, he knows where to find you. It's time for you to pick yourself up, dust it off, and do whats best for YOU now. 1
Author UndoIt Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks KatZee. The truth is, he didn't say those words exactly, that was more of my own paraphrasing. He said he wasn't sure if he would come around in the next few months so he didn't want me to bank on the hope that he would. He also said he had no plans to see other girls, that wasn't what his was about, because if he could be in a relationship right now it would be with me. He still wanted to take me out for Valentine's Day and buy me a birthday present (which is in like 6 months) and take me to his parent's house for the Fourth of July (a tradition we've had). Finally, he said that if I were to see other people, to please not tell him about it or broadcast it, because he couldn't stand the thought of me kissing another guy. Clearly, it's hard to read what's going on with him. This is the only relationship he's ever had and I'm not sure if he just doesn't get what a breakup is or if he really is having a hard time leaving me.
KatZee Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks KatZee. The truth is, he didn't say those words exactly, that was more of my own paraphrasing. He said he wasn't sure if he would come around in the next few months so he didn't want me to bank on the hope that he would. He also said he had no plans to see other girls, that wasn't what his was about, because if he could be in a relationship right now it would be with me. He still wanted to take me out for Valentine's Day and buy me a birthday present (which is in like 6 months) and take me to his parent's house for the Fourth of July (a tradition we've had). Finally, he said that if I were to see other people, to please not tell him about it or broadcast it, because he couldn't stand the thought of me kissing another guy. Clearly, it's hard to read what's going on with him. This is the only relationship he's ever had and I'm not sure if he just doesn't get what a breakup is or if he really is having a hard time leaving me. Honestly it sounds like he knows what he needs to do but he is having a tough time just going cold turkey with it. You honestly can't let him do this because he's doing it to benefit himself. He's not doing it for you. What he's doing is horrible for you b/c it prevents you from moving on. But for him, he gets to wean himself off you at his pace. Don't do it. He doesn't want to be with you, he doesn't know if he'll want to be with you down the line. Give him what he wants. Just go NC.
flitzanu Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 My (ex)boyfriend broke up with me completely unexpectedly almost 3 weeks ago. During and since the BU I've just been getting very mixed signals and absolutely no answers as to why this is happening. Here is some background: We're both seniors in college (I'm 21, he's 22) and graduating in a couple of months. We dated almost two years and have been completely happy with no real problems. This was his first serious relationship, my second, but we were each other's first loves and sexual partners. I'm very close with both of his parents and his mom and I still talk every day (she thinks this might just be a phase for him). His dad and I are also close and he has stated that I am always welcome to call him, text, visit, etc. After graduation we were planning on moving halfway across the country with each other for grad school. Initially, I had issue with this level of commitment because I didn't want to move so far, but he was set on a location and ultimately I decided I would rather move than have things end at graduation. The trouble started in December when his grad school admission test didn't go as planned and he cancelled his score. He has basically given up on going to grad school next year and instead is applying for jobs (that are quite a reach for him). As soon as his prospects for next year started looking dismal, he said something like "sometimes I feel like I just need to make this move on my own". I said we should take some time apart then, and by the next morning he was taking it all back and was just "overwhelmed with stress, but head over heels in love" and still wanted me to move with him. Then came the breakup. He comes back from Christmas Break (about 1 month after cancelling his grad school test score) and says he just wants to be friends. His parents and friends and I all get along great, so I know he wasn't influenced by any of them. He is on the shy side and very loyal, and I know for a fact he hasn't met anyone and he's not cheating. During the BU he tells me he's still in love but wants to be friends because he's unhappy with himself. He wants to start working next year and can't be in a serious relationship when he starts his job (which he doesn't have yet). He says this doesn't mean it's over forever, but he can't be in a relationship right now and I shouldn't wait for him. He also says things won't change as much as I think they will. After the breakup, we still hung out for the first week. Things were weird to say the least. He was walking me to class, holding my hand, kissing me goodbye, bringing over wine, etc. But he wouldn't have sex or really be intimate at all. After about a week and a half I stopped replying to his texts and calls, and he would go crazy. He called three times and texted twice within 2 hours because I wasn't responding and he said he was worried (I had never ignored him before haha). He called before bed each night but I never answered. By the end of the week he texted to ask if I wanted to grab lunch. I tried the friends thing but after about 2 weeks of it I had enough of the games and entered NC. I'm hoping he'll see what life is like without me and come back, but I'm terrified that he'll just move on completely. He didn't get as emotional as I thought he would when I said he couldn't talk to me anymore. He's been as nice as one can be when ending a relationship, which makes it that much harder. If I text him, he'll respond. If I say I want space, he'll say he understands completely. His parents still text me to check in and stay in touch, and they do know that I'm not talking to their son right now. His parents have been better parents to my than my own, so I really don't want to lose them just because their son up and bailed. They also seem to think their son is just confused right now. Anyway, what do I do now?! I'm not sure if he'll come around or if I should just cut my losses and accept that it's over. He said he was pretty set on his decision, but what he's doing doesn't support that at all, and he's said very conflicting things as well. I've been spending time with my friends, planning some travel time, etc. but I just can't help but feel like he's the one and he'll come back. So any advice would be greatly appreciated! he's done being involved and wants to pursue new things and new people. i suggest you do the same.
Author UndoIt Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 So I'll be honest, I came back on here and thought "these people suck! they don't realize I've been with a NICE, GREAT guy who's different than all of their exes". Then I thought about it and realized, "wow, I'm being as big a dumb@$$ as the @ssh0le that dumped me". So, thank you to everyone that replied, you told me exactly what I needed to hear. I do disagree that he wants to see other people and doesn't love me, I know he loves me and I know he isn't interested in other women. Nonetheless, if he loved me enough to deserve me, he wouldn't throw in the towel as soon as he started having these feelings, and that's why I need to move on. Knowing that "the one" would hold on to me as long as he could and try anything he could to fix the relationship before calling quits gives me all the closure I need.
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