fabi20 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 i had asked if i should email my ex an email i wrote him saying how much i've realized. i decided to not send THAT specific email, but i did send a short one, asking how he is...and i don't want things to be awkward between us. i also told him i was away fro a couple of months and it was a good change for me. i asked if he still has plans to move away (he had mentioned briefly to me when we broke up that he was thinking of moving to a different town to be close to his sister), and asked about our cat. I kept it short. I know I shouldn't have sent it, and part of me wishes I didn't now, but I'm curious to know if he will respond and if he will hint to me that he has a new gf. I'm not expecting much. It's been a month since I last contacted him/sent him a needy text was this a big mistake?
Kenji Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I think you know the answer to your question. Look, I know you say you don't expect much, but I think you hope for something. You will just get disappointed if you don't get it. The advice you get from the people here is meant to help you. Please really consider their words from here on out. Nevertheless, I hope you are comfortable with your decision. I wish you nothing but the best.
mutant Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 In my experience NC has no short-term positive effect. I felt better whenever I contacted the ex even though her answers were brief one-word sentences. This went on for 7 months and look where that got me. If you want to disregard the advice that you've been offered here then fine. But you have to evaluate the situation you are in and decide the direction to take.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 In my experience NC has no short-term positive effect. I felt better whenever I contacted the ex even though her answers were brief one-word sentences. This went on for 7 months and look where that got me. If you want to disregard the advice that you've been offered here then fine. But you have to evaluate the situation you are in and decide the direction to take. NC definitely is not a short-term solution by any means. Going NC for a week or two doesn't mean crap. That being said, the OP should not have sent her note. Notes are bad.
Ordinaryday Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) Yeah contacting him was a mistake! Sorry to be blunt but CONTACT IS ALWAYS A MISTAKE regardless of whether you are the dumpee or dumper. If you are the dumpee then contacting him, even if you try to make it seem casual, WILL JUST LOOK NEEDY AND PATHETIC. I guarantee it. If they dumped you then ANY contact on your part will just look desperate and needy EVEN IF you do it for a supposedly 'legitimate reason', ie "to return his stuff" because you could have just dumped it at his front door without saying a word, etc. And if you are the DUMPER then contact is also wrong because it comes across as rude and patronising and sending them breadcrumbs will just delay their healing process and make them resent you even more. a year ago when a dumper contacted me to "say hi" It REALLY SET ME BACK because it gave me false hope that she wanted to reconcile when she was just "checking up" on me. I came to resent her even more because her contacting me screwed me up and put all the healing I had done out the window as I went back to square one. if you are the dumper then the only time contact is appropriate is when you want to reconcile. Edited January 31, 2013 by Ordinaryday 2
destroyed4sho Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I don't think it was a mistake because we all do things for a reason. If the consequence of this will get you to get back on NC and finally get rid of the need to have his attention, then I think it was ok move. I would of liked you to be a bit more angry at him and actually tell him that you know about the gf and that he probably was talking with her while you were still together. Because then 1.If he does respond back, you don't have to get into a back and forth with him . 2. If he doesn't respond back, you would of already released that anger and let him know that you know he betrayed you Your still in the stage of wanting him back, so you are hoping that this will somehow lead to that. It won't. If he wanted you back, all he has to do is use his fingers to dial your number.
destroyed4sho Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Yeah contacting him was a mistake! Sorry to be blunt but CONTACT IS ALWAYS A MISTAKE regardless of whether you are the dumpee or dumper. If you are the dumpee then contacting him, even if you try to make it seem casual, WILL JUST LOOK NEEDY AND PATHETIC. I guarantee it. If they dumped you then ANY contact on your part will just look desperate and needy EVEN IF you do it for a supposedly 'legitimate reason', ie "to return his stuff" because you could have just dumped it at his front door without saying a word, etc. And if you are the DUMPER then contact is also wrong because it comes across as rude and patronising and sending them breadcrumbs will just delay their healing process and make them resent you even more. a year ago when a dumper contacted me to "say hi" It REALLY SET ME BACK because it gave me false hope that she wanted to reconcile when she was just "checking up" on me. I came to resent her even more because her contacting me screwed me up and put all the healing I had done out the window as I went back to square one. if you are the dumper then the only time contact is appropriate is when you want to reconcile. I hate that, one of my exes, did that for 6 years straight EVERY VALENTINE'S DAY and I always felt terrible. Two years ago, I actually told him to DELETE MY NUMBER and stop messaging me. He never responded back, thank God. I then changed my number, so I have no idea if he ever tried again. Nor do I care.
Author fabi20 Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I don't think it was a mistake because we all do things for a reason. If the consequence of this will get you to get back on NC and finally get rid of the need to have his attention, then I think it was ok move. I would of liked you to be a bit more angry at him and actually tell him that you know about the gf and that he probably was talking with her while you were still together. Because then 1.If he does respond back, you don't have to get into a back and forth with him . 2. If he doesn't respond back, you would of already released that anger and let him know that you know he betrayed you Your still in the stage of wanting him back, so you are hoping that this will somehow lead to that. It won't. If he wanted you back, all he has to do is use his fingers to dial your number. thanks so much, you have been there for me these past few days i thought about being angry, and i am. but then i thought, he already has this bad memory of us always fighting and it's not like he would care that i'm angry..i don't think he would...i guess it's just me trying to get anything from him bc i feel like he's mad at me...i know i shouldn't care and i should be mad at him i've also been reading this blog that goes against no contact and says if you want your ex back then you should try to stay in limited non emotional contact, every time i read that blog it brainwashes me to think i should stay in touch with him to show him how much i care BLAH! it's ok, at least i didn't send an emotional letter and don't plan to! and i will be NC from now on....im starting to think my ex maybe has his own issues and i have 15 years of knowing him of evidence...just sucks he was so good to me in the first part of the relationship and i miss him so much still 1
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Lesson learned. One can only hope........ I cannot fathom how we advocate No Contact so strongly - yet people "contact him/her just one last time" knowing - absolutely knowing without a single shadow of a doubt - that it will rip their insides to pieces. Well, QED. My ex and I were married for 26 years. 26 years! We separated in 2004 (divorced in 2005). That's nearly 9 years ago. In all that time, neither one of us has ever contacted the other. EVER. Not once. You'd think after having been married that long, the yearning to at least remain in civil contact would be a feasibility. Nope. We severed all connections. It was very, very difficult. Heart-wrenching and heart-breaking, at times. but we both stuck to it. God, if we could do it..........! 1
cavalier99 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 One can only hope........ I cannot fathom how we advocate No Contact so strongly - yet people "contact him/her just one last time" knowing - absolutely knowing without a single shadow of a doubt - that it will rip their insides to pieces. Well, QED. My ex and I were married for 26 years. 26 years! We separated in 2004 (divorced in 2005). That's nearly 9 years ago. In all that time, neither one of us has ever contacted the other. EVER. Not once. You'd think after having been married that long, the yearning to at least remain in civil contact would be a feasibility. Nope. We severed all connections. It was very, very difficult. Heart-wrenching and heart-breaking, at times. but we both stuck to it. God, if we could do it..........! So I guess a platonic friendship isn't in the cards for you at this point? I'm being facetious hmmm actually just wondering why? I could see grabbing a coffee with my ex in the next year or so every blue moon to catch up. Of course id need to be recovered enough to meet her significant other and baby (if she has one) for that to happen.
iouaname Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Yes, it was a mistake. You're just opening yourself up for more pain. What if he responds back and does intimate that he has a girlfriend? Ouch. What if he doesn't respond back at all? Ouch. What if he responds back and doesn't suggest anything either way? You're still going to be just as curious.
KatZee Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 i've also been reading this blog that goes against no contact and says if you want your ex back then you should try to stay in limited non emotional contact, every time i read that blog it brainwashes me to think i should stay in touch with him to show him how much i care BLAH! This is true only in certain situations. When a person goes complete NC and shuts another person out, it makes it known in no uncertain terms that the door is closed. If the relationship didn't end on a bad note, both people still care about each other, sometimes a breakup is just that time they needed to think clearly, and realize that they truly do love their partner. In that case LC is recommended because it keeps the door slightly open for reconciliation, and in order for ANYTHING to thrive, there needs to be communication. Without communication there is a disconnect, and the longer that NC continues, the larger and wider the gap. HOWEVER--- He's dating someone else. He's not looking back fondly at you and hoping to have you back. He has a new girlfriend. He's started a new life which unfortunately does not include you anymore. Each time you contact him, or e-mail him... it just tells him "She's not over me." He knows that you know he's dating someone else, and you're still sending messages. He doesn't feel a warm, tingly feeling inside, he most likely feels really bad for you that you're still sniffing around. He can see right through that e-mail and where as you see it as being something "friendly" and "short" he sees it as you trying to still be in his life, and that after 30 days of not speaking, you still think of him regularly. I'll also tell you that being a "friend" to him is only going to strengthen the bond he has with his new girlfriend. He's going to have his new love interest and the girl he dated in the past as a nice new emotional cushion. To open up this "friend" door is to accept that one day he'll come to you to talk about problems with his current girl... or he'll ask you for advice with that girl. You don't want that. You clearly want HIM! What you're doing isn't going to work. Each plan after a breakup is geared to different situations and different breakups. In your case, you need to stay NC.
destroyed4sho Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 thanks so much, you have been there for me these past few days i thought about being angry, and i am. but then i thought, he already has this bad memory of us always fighting and it's not like he would care that i'm angry..i don't think he would...i guess it's just me trying to get anything from him bc i feel like he's mad at me...i know i shouldn't care and i should be mad at him i've also been reading this blog that goes against no contact and says if you want your ex back then you should try to stay in limited non emotional contact, every time i read that blog it brainwashes me to think i should stay in touch with him to show him how much i care BLAH! it's ok, at least i didn't send an emotional letter and don't plan to! and i will be NC from now on....im starting to think my ex maybe has his own issues and i have 15 years of knowing him of evidence...just sucks he was so good to me in the first part of the relationship and i miss him so much still I am there for you because you sooo remind me of ME. My break up is so similar to yours, and I don't want you to make the same pathetic loser mistakes I did. Wait, he is writing blogs about how to get your ex back? why? Did he break up with you or you broke up with him? I'm confused???? Do you think he knows you are reading is blog and trying to manipulate you into being his friend? DOES anyone have any thoughts on this????
geegirl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Wait, he is writing blogs about how to get your ex back? why? Did he break up with you or you broke up with him? I'm confused???? Do you think he knows you are reading is blog and trying to manipulate you into being his friend? DOES anyone have any thoughts on this???? It's not his blog. She's been reading a blog.
LostGirl11 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 thanks so much, you have been there for me these past few days i thought about being angry, and i am. but then i thought, he already has this bad memory of us always fighting and it's not like he would care that i'm angry..i don't think he would...i guess it's just me trying to get anything from him bc i feel like he's mad at me...i know i shouldn't care and i should be mad at him i've also been reading this blog that goes against no contact and says if you want your ex back then you should try to stay in limited non emotional contact, every time i read that blog it brainwashes me to think i should stay in touch with him to show him how much i care BLAH! it's ok, at least i didn't send an emotional letter and don't plan to! and i will be NC from now on....im starting to think my ex maybe has his own issues and i have 15 years of knowing him of evidence...just sucks he was so good to me in the first part of the relationship and i miss him so much still This has ****ed with my head. I want my ex back. He wants to be friends. I said no. Have I closed the door?
geegirl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 This has ****ed with my head. I want my ex back. He wants to be friends. I said no. Have I closed the door? He broke up with you. He closed the door.
LostGirl11 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 He broke up with you. He closed the door. If he wanted me back would me closing the door stop him?
drpepper1886 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 If he wanted me back would me closing the door stop him? when in doubt ask yourself "What would his actions look like if he wanted me back?"
geegirl Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 If he wanted me back would me closing the door stop him? You closed the door on being friends because that is what HE wanted. You said you needed time. If he wanted you, he would have said, "Lost, I don't want to be friends. I was wrong. I want us to work on the relationship." You get my drift. All he's proposed is "friends".
LostGirl11 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You closed the door on being friends because that is what HE wanted. You said you needed time. If he wanted you, he would have said, "Lost, I don't want to be friends. I was wrong. I want us to work on the relationship." You get my drift. All he's proposed is "friends". You're right. I've been feeling guilty for saying no. Part of me is worried that he might think that I couldn't care for him all that much if I want him completely out of my life. I'm talking ****. Sorry.
meeji Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 I am there for you because you sooo remind me of ME. My break up is so similar to yours, and I don't want you to make the same pathetic loser mistakes I did. Wait, he is writing blogs about how to get your ex back? why? Did he break up with you or you broke up with him? I'm confused???? Do you think he knows you are reading is blog and trying to manipulate you into being his friend? DOES anyone have any thoughts on this???? I'm pretty sure I read the same article. Actually a lot of it made sense. I dont think her ex wrote this. I think we both just came across the same blog.
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