Are we in a relationship?

[clia]

Will someone please explain to me the difference between (1) agreeing to only have sex with each other and to not date anyone else AND (2) being boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

Thanks!

[pbjbear]

I have never made it to a girlfriend status but Ive had several exclusive relationships...they are not the same. Some guys dont like their girls they sexing up to be sleeping around but they dont want to deal with relationship baggage/expectations either

 

Its too early right now, let it be...you hardly know him by this point

 

 

This...sometimes being exclusive does lead to a relationship.

Sometimes its just a way to not get diseases/jealousy but not deal with relationships

[D-Lish]

What is wrong with letting things play out naturally without having to define every single romantic step along the way?

 

Neither of you are sleeping with others or seeing others and that's how legitimate relationships get started right?

 

Why do you need clarification and designations at each step of getting to know someone?

 

No glaring red flags here, no resistance to moving to exclusivity. Everything seems to be going well- why are you pushing so much?

 

I can feel the tension all the way over here in Canada- and I'm not the one dating you.

 

Just take a deep breath, slow down, and have a little trust in something that seems to be happening naturally. Trust me- your partner will appreciate it.

 

It seems he likes you, don't blow it by piling on too much pressure too soon.

[HitMeNow]

Will someone please explain to me the difference between (1) agreeing to only have sex with each other and to not date anyone else AND (2) being boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

Thanks!

 

They're the ****ing same.

You can be "just exclusive" and see each other every day and have the most beautiful romance going on.

And you can be "bf and gf" and see each other once a week, or less and not really care about each other.

 

The way I see it, any type of relationship is based on one thing and one thing only. The connection and chemistry between the 2 people. Everything else, it's just details.

[Leigh 87]

What is wrong with letting things play out naturally without having to define every single romantic step along the way?

 

Neither of you are sleeping with others or seeing others and that's how legitimate relationships get started right?

 

Why do you need clarification and designations at each step of getting to know someone?

 

No glaring red flags here, no resistance to moving to exclusivity. Everything seems to be going well- why are you pushing so much?

 

I can feel the tension all the way over here in Canada- and I'm not the one dating you.

 

Just take a deep breath, slow down, and have a little trust in something that seems to be happening naturally. Trust me- your partner will appreciate it.

 

It seems he likes you, don't blow it by piling on too much pressure too soon.

 

 

 

 

 

Exactly what I said^^^ I hope she listens to us...

 

 

 

The difference between being exclusive and being in a relationship is:

 

Exclusive: he likes you enough to only want to be with you right. He would grow to like you enough to be in a long term, committed, serious relationship, however: IT IS TOO DAMN EARLY for him to know just yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

In a committed relationship: he has known you long enough and been with you intimately long enough to determine that he really wants to keep getting closer and closer to you, and he can see a long term future. This can happen at about 6 months in, so DO NOT STRESS over it just yet!!!

[Leigh 87]

I mean, I did not want to mention it for the first few months myself, but the times I did ask my boyfriend about it, he was just like " geez, I really like you and have strong feelings, but give me some time to consider if your a person i can see myself spending his life with"

[candie13]

... but give me some time to consider if your a person i can see myself spending his life with"

 

OMG, that is the phrase... that will either make women scream with pleasure... or with scare, hahaha!

[HitMeNow]

I mean, I did not want to mention it for the first few months myself, but the times I did ask my boyfriend about it, he was just like " geez, I really like you and have strong feelings, but give me some time to consider if your a person i can see myself spending his life with"

 

Lol so once you're in a relationship "you're guaranteed" to spend the life with that person. ... FACEPALM

[candie13]

there are no guarantees in life, IMHO. if Leigh is inlove, then she got her wish... just like that saying "careful what you wish for, it might actually happen".

 

It is true that some people what to "know" what the other person is feeling, for fear of getting abandoned... and then when the guy / or girl is opening up, they suddenly realize that it's not what they wanted. People, you know! Better take it slow and don't ask the questions that you're not ready to hear the answers to !

 

my 2 cents, anyway!

[oohlala]

What's the difference between being exclusive than BF/GF//in a relationship? It makes no sense to me.

 

Bleah, me neither. I'm in a similar situation. It's strange to me because everyone I've always dated is pretty eager to take me off the market - but this one claims he just ALWAYS takes things slow before he truly commits because when he does so he REALLY commits and has these really long relationships.

 

That sounds admirable and all but we're pretty much bf/gf without the title, and for some reason it annoys me. When we've talked about it he says I'm who he wants to be with, and I feel the same way, but at the same time we've been doing this since like December and I think if it goes on a whole lot longer I'm not going to be comfortable NOT seeing other people and putting all my eggs in one basket that might never happen.

 

I'm extremely busy with work (it's a crazy story, and I have a crazy commute) and I'm exhausted by the time the weekend rolls around and he usually wants to see more of me, so at the moment I don't even know how I'd date other people right now anyway. But still, I hate to miss out on someone great if this guy decides it's not for him.

 

It's strange and confusing because we pretty much do everything a bf/gf would do - despite me being busy we talk ALL day via text, IM, Facebook, etc. - we even have 2-hour long phone or Skype conversations when I'm not in town or can't come over. The other day I was too tired to make it home after work after hanging out with him and his friends so I stayed at his place, and after I went to sleep he woke up to make me a sandwich to take to work the next day. He packed me a little sandwich in a plastic baggie and filled another one with chips. He couldn't sleep and he knew lately I'd been working so much I'd been too busy and tired to leave for lunch.

 

WTH? You packed me a lunch but I'm not your GF?? OK then.

[candie13]

if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck... it prob is a duck! ohlala, you're in a relationship .

 

why do you fret so much about the title? Do you like him, like really like him or do you still want to be dating around? If you feel like dating, then even if he goes all "bf/gf" thing, you should not stay in this type of dynamic. But don't put barriers only because you're scared (that is MY speciality, thank you very much).

 

Just do whatever feel natural, what are you so afraid about? What's your worst fear? IMO, being exclusive is a transition to either the exit or to a serious relationship. Do you feel or think he wants to dump you?

 

Look at facts, at how he interacts with you. If he includes you in his life, shares things with you. If he cares about you. Wants to know about your day and plans. Includes you in his future plans - eg. like weekends. If he does all these, then you're game. Be the bigger person and stop all this "bf / gf" game. He'll appreciate it and loosen up. That's how it happened in my 2 long relationships. Easy.

[oohlala]

if it looks like a duck and it walks like a duck... it prob is a duck! ohlala, you're in a relationship .

 

why do you fret so much about the title? Do you like him, like really like him or do you still want to be dating around? If you feel like dating, then even if he goes all "bf/gf" thing, you should not stay in this type of dynamic. But don't put barriers only because you're scared (that is MY speciality, thank you very much).

 

Just do whatever feel natural, what are you so afraid about? What's your worst fear? IMO, being exclusive is a transition to either the exit or to a serious relationship. Do you feel or think he wants to dump you?

 

Look at facts, at how he interacts with you. If he includes you in his life, shares things with you. If he cares about you. Wants to know about your day and plans. Includes you in his future plans - eg. like weekends. If he does all these, then you're game. Be the bigger person and stop all this "bf / gf" game. He'll appreciate it and loosen up. That's how it happened in my 2 long relationships. Easy.

 

ITA - he's just confusing and will admit he's not good at this and sends mixed signals. We're VERY different people and things are occasionally misinterpreted. About 2 weeks ago we got into a fight, and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to keep seeing him. We were at a bar/restaurant, and I was so upset I just paid our tab and walked out in tears. He chased me out to talk but I said I just wasn't ready to. He was supposed to take me to the airport that Saturday (this happened on a Tuesday) and I told him to not worry about, I didn't think it was a good idea and I really just wanted to go home at that point.

 

When I got home he'd sent me a few really, really long FB messages apologizing for being an ass. We talked a little bit and he said he hoped we could continue seeing each other eventually, and I said I did too, I probably just needed a few days to sort things out because I was REALLY hurt and upset.

 

The next week I was in Hawaii and we started FB chatting again, and eventually Syped for a few hours. He's been REALLY stellar at fixing what upset me about that big fight since, and since I've been back things have been great.

 

BUT - he admitted to me the other night that that week we had the fight and weren't talking he hooked up with a girl he knows twice. He said he really didn't have a good explanation for himself, he was embarrassed and it was meaningless, etc.

 

The thing is - to me that's TOTALLY within the confines of what we're doing. I'm not his GF, we're "seeing each other." And, we'd had a fight - I said I was open to still seeing him, but it was pretty open-ended the rest of the week because we didn't talk and I was busy preparing for my trip and thinking things through.

 

So while I don't think he's completely in the absolute wrong for doing this, I also don't like knowing that if we have a fight and don't talk for a few days that he's gonna go out and hook up with random chicks. I think I'm going to have trust issues. For HIM what we're doing is NOT bf/gf -- I don't think if we had the title that he would have gone and done that if we got into a fight.

 

And I'm reeeeallly bending some of my own rules with all of this. At any other point in my life I woulda just called "Next!" but I'm trying to be open-minded about this and seriously, I'm too busy to date other people anyway. Not that that's the ONLY reason I'm not dating - he IS who I want to be with as of now, but I just don't like the general ambiguity of it all.

 

I'm not about giving ultimatums - if I pressed for the "title" right now I don't think things would go well for either one of us. I do want to keep seeing him, but I miss the true trust/comfort of an agreement on an actual relationship.

 

I guess that's the mixed signals part at play - he wants to see me more, I'm pretty much always invited out when he's out, he assumes naturally we're going to have weekend plans now (or that we should, at least), he plans ahead to do things for me like cook me dinner, we've talked about taking a trip somewhere, he has a few shows he wants to see in April and invited me along, etc. I feel like he's just avoiding calling me a gf for some reason. And, he's said he understands if this is going to slow for me. For me that's practically telling me he doesn't care if I meet someone else, but he swears that's not the case.

Edited February 1, 2013 by oohlala

[candie13]

hooked up as in sex or hooked up as in seeing the girls for dinner?

 

If you are not exclusive - emotionally, sexually, physically - there is no relationship.

 

I keep things very simple, but mind you, I am quite traditional, in that sense. I realize that you are involved in this, but in reality, it is very clear, very simple.

 

How can you think you have a relationship if you are not exclusive? People will treat exactly how you allow them to treat you. I understand you didn't have the "exclusivity talk", but in my book, sex with someone else is a deal breaker. Not a red flag. I cannot live with this, sorry, the only advice I will ever give you is to leave him pronto. That's what I'd do.

 

Peace of mind over a piece of ass, girl! There are nice guys out there, not a lot, but they exist. Don't settle.

 

We've been hijacking Miss1122's thread, my apologies, OP!

[HitMeNow]

ITA - he's just confusing and will admit he's not good at this and sends mixed signals. We're VERY different people and things are occasionally misinterpreted. About 2 weeks ago we got into a fight, and I wasn't sure if I even wanted to keep seeing him. We were at a bar/restaurant, and I was so upset I just paid our tab and walked out in tears. He chased me out to talk but I said I just wasn't ready to. He was supposed to take me to the airport that Saturday (this happened on a Tuesday) and I told him to not worry about, I didn't think it was a good idea and I really just wanted to go home at that point.

 

When I got home he'd sent me a few really, really long FB messages apologizing for being an ass. We talked a little bit and he said he hoped we could continue seeing each other eventually, and I said I did too, I probably just needed a few days to sort things out because I was REALLY hurt and upset.

 

The next week I was in Hawaii and we started FB chatting again, and eventually Syped for a few hours. He's been REALLY stellar at fixing what upset me about that big fight since, and since I've been back things have been great.

 

BUT - he admitted to me the other night that that week we had the fight and weren't talking he hooked up with a girl he knows twice. He said he really didn't have a good explanation for himself, he was embarrassed and it was meaningless, etc.

 

The thing is - to me that's TOTALLY within the confines of what we're doing. I'm not his GF, we're "seeing each other." And, we'd had a fight - I said I was open to still seeing him, but it was pretty open-ended the rest of the week because we didn't talk and I was busy preparing for my trip and thinking things through.

 

So while I don't think he's completely in the absolute wrong for doing this, I also don't like knowing that if we have a fight and don't talk for a few days that he's gonna go out and hook up with random chicks. I think I'm going to have trust issues. For HIM what we're doing is NOT bf/gf -- I don't think if we had the title that he would have gone and done that if we got into a fight.

 

And I'm reeeeallly bending some of my own rules with all of this. At any other point in my life I woulda just called "Next!" but I'm trying to be open-minded about this and seriously, I'm too busy to date other people anyway. Not that that's the ONLY reason I'm not dating - he IS who I want to be with as of now, but I just don't like the general ambiguity of it all.

 

I'm not about giving ultimatums - if I pressed for the "title" right now I don't think things would go well for either one of us. I do want to keep seeing him, but I miss the true trust/comfort of an agreement on an actual relationship.

 

I guess that's the mixed signals part at play - he wants to see me more, I'm pretty much always invited out when he's out, he assumes naturally we're going to have weekend plans now (or that we should, at least), he plans ahead to do things for me like cook me dinner, we've talked about taking a trip somewhere, he has a few shows he wants to see in April and invited me along, etc. I feel like he's just avoiding calling me a gf for some reason. And, he's said he understands if this is going to slow for me. For me that's practically telling me he doesn't care if I meet someone else, but he swears that's not the case.

 

If he hooked up with some chick AFTER he told you you guys are exclusive, then dump him. Relationship or not, that is cheating of your trust and breaking of his promise.

 

But the way he acts (i.e invites you out to whatever he does, means you're pretty much bf and gf).

 

What was the argument about anyway? That, you should be more concerned about. Leaving the bar and running away, is not a good mature way to communicate IMO.

 

Cheers,

[Ladybugz]

you are his sex buddy.

 

but i dont understand why you promise and do all of that while you dont even know what

you are into.

 

is it not better to clarify way before and ask and see what s going on before even

say yes to something ?

who told you he keeps his promise.

he can do it all and tell you that he can do it cause you are not his gf.

[Miss1122]

If two people decide to call their thing a "relationship", it doesn't make it so. I seriously think you should NOT talk or even ask him that.

 

Spend quality time with him, get to know him and see if you like him. Like really like him, enough to make him your bf.

 

And look at the signs: Does he act like your bf? Does he initiate contact? Does he introduce you to his friends? Do the two of you decide beforehand when you're going to see each other? Does he come up with nice ideas for your dates? Does he voluntarily share his weekend plans with you?

 

There's your answer, that's a relationship, not hanging a title over it.

 

 

Take your time, it is still very early... maybe you'll discover he's not bf material, leave that door open your yourself. Better not to rush it.

 

 

Hi thanks so much for your advice. This guy treats me well. He opens the door for me even the car door. He likes to hold my hand even when he drives. He likes to put his arms around me. He kisses me all the time. Even in public, hes not scared to show affection. He takes good care of me. He makes sure I'm comfortable. He asks if I'm hungry, if I'm cold or warm. I spent the night at his place. This morning, it was so cold outside and I didn't bring a jacket with me. He grabbed one of his jacket from his closet and put it on me. I didn't have to ask him. I didn't even think about borrowing one from him but he knew I would be cold walking outside. He walked me to my car and I was gonna take the jacket off to return it but he said not to because he doesn't want me to get cold when I get out of the car.

 

Yes, he initiates contacts. I only initiated contact twice. We talk everday except for two times but I was aware of why and wha he was doing. One, he was hanging out with friends. Second time, he was practicing guitar to play from church. I work at night till morning. I sleep in the morning. We texts each other till 2-3am. He falls asleep texting me.

 

Last night, he called his buddy ( the one he hangs out the most with) to check if he could hang out with us but he was busy doing something so maybe another time. He also said to me to bring out my girl friends one night and he would take his guy friends so we all can hang out together.

 

The date we had last night, we planned it Tuesday night. So yes we plan ahead when were gonna see each other. He takes me out to places I've never been to. He pays for our dates. He never lets me pay. He makes sure I enjoy the time I spend with him. I know what's hes upto today. Play music in the morning at church then do some work after that.

 

I caught him several times staring at me.

[miss_jaclynrae]

What's the difference between being exclusive than BF/GF//in a relationship? It makes no sense to me.

 

It is just title.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Ooooo... I read the update.

 

 

 

 

Exclusively dating and he sleeps with someone else?

Dump him.

[Miss1122]

Ooooo... I read the update.

 

 

 

 

Exclusively dating and he sleeps with someone else?

Dump him.

 

No. It was someone else's update. My guy doesn't sleep with someone else.

[candie13]

Miss1122, you are very very lucky, because you like this guy and you are also dating him . As I've said before, dating + exclusivity + spending time together have 2 potential outcomes: see if he likes you to become his gf or end up things with you.

 

People need a lot of time before adopting this status, some are in full blown relationships but are very much afraid to admit it. Just give him all the time he needs to feel comfortable, for you to get to know him and see if you really do like him.

 

Why is the "relationship" status so important to you, what is it that you fear most, given that the current situation actually looks very well?

[oohlala]

hooked up as in sex or hooked up as in seeing the girls for dinner?

 

 

Sex - ran into her at a bar or whatevz (or that's the story, I don't care, sex is sex). The thing is we do NOT say we're exclusive. After he 'fessed up about hooking up after the fight, I said it was really none of my business anyway I guess, since we really haven't had an exclusivity talk. He said that even though we don't have an agreement in place, he DOES feel accountable to me and it *is* my business to a degree, yadda yadda, etc.

 

In the end, this has been fun and I liked him and all, but I just don't have the energy to invest any more into the bizarre ambiguity. If we're sex buddies then guys are putting waaaaay more effort into that than they used to and ****'s just getting confusing. lol. Call me old-fashioned but you call a ****-buddy when you're trashed after partying with your friends or whatever, not after spending an afternoon finding saffron to make her dinner with that night and making dates with her that involve ticket-buying a month in advance.

 

It's just confusing and I'm over it. lol. He invited me to Super Bowl party-hop with him and I cancelled last night. I think it's time to just taper off each other.

[candie13]

I agree, the disappearing act is a good way out. Just don't have your hopes high, some guys go after the one that went away, but most of them won't... moving on is an even better idea

[Miss1122]

Miss1122, you are very very lucky, because you like this guy and you are also dating him . As I've said before, dating + exclusivity + spending time together have 2 potential outcomes: see if he likes you to become his gf or end up things with you.

 

People need a lot of time before adopting this status, some are in full blown relationships but are very much afraid to admit it. Just give him all the time he needs to feel comfortable, for you to get to know him and see if you really do like him.

 

Why is the "relationship" status so important to you, what is it that you fear most, given that the current situation actually looks very well?

 

I guess the relationship status doesn't matter. He spends time with me. He shows me that he cares. He treats me really well. The other day when we were together and he was gonna walk me back to my car, it was cold, he took one of his coats from his closet and he put it on me. Then when we got to my car and I was gonna take it off to give it back to him, he said to leave it on because he didn't want me to get cold.

 

I guess its important because I had a bad experience in the past. I dated someone for six months and it never became a relationship until I got tired and decided to just dump him.

[candie13]

This is why I find Americans so strange... how can you be with someone for 6 months and NOT be in a relationship? I don't get it.

 

I'm seeing a guy for a month now and just made him dinner, last Sunday. It turned out ok, even if it was like a contest: "cook with only three ingredients, top", haha. It turned out pretty decent, actually, and he was bugging me "you must have cooked this with a lot of love!!", and kept insisting on the "love" part, for fun. I turned a bit blue and replied "Actually I've cooked it with just oregano, because I couldn't find anything else in your drawer, but with fresh basil, it would have been really amazing"...

 

some people, I swear !!! He's Belgium, they're a bit crazy, like that !

[silvermercy]

Yes, I, too, find this "exclusive dating" thing strange. But I'm from Europe, too. Is this an American thing???

 

Let me tell you what happens in Europe (or in my country at least). When two people date each other they date exclusively from the start. Usually the first date. They also don't sleep with other people in the initial stages of going out out of respect or courtesy towards their date - exclusive or not (unless they are players, manwhores etc). They also don't usually sleep with other people after a fight with their date - again, exclusive or not.

 

Last but not least, it's a red flag he made you upset so EARLY in the dating stage. That's a first for me to hear something like that actually.

 

Maybe you need to move to Europe in the future! I dunno!