Lone Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Its come to my attention that i will most likely be seeing my EX over the weekend - if not in the near future as we run in very similar circles. Obviously, I still care about her and would love to get back together but realise that some work on both our parts needs to be done for it to work a second time and more importantly she needs to actually want to get back with me since she ended it. I know there is nothing i can do to affect this. So, i am hoping for some advice around how i should act around/towards her in social situations? Just the hi-bye kinda deal? Withhold info on myself? Just be myself, act like its not on my mind, and be the same person she originally was interested in? Obviously never ever mention the break up but any other advice would be grand.
fancy feast Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Depends on what you feel like. Don't be rude, but if you're not up for having a conversation just give a quick "how's it going?" and talk to someone else. Unless she's just being obtuse, she'll understand.
Author Lone Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Depends on what you feel like. Don't be rude, but if you're not up for having a conversation just give a quick "how's it going?" and talk to someone else. Unless she's just being obtuse, she'll understand. What you mean "what i feel like"?. I want to get her back - so of course i wont be rude. Is it important to regain some friendship before things can progress...?
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 No. Quite the opposite. You can't be 'friends' with someone you still have feelings for. In brief - I suggest you carefully read the No Contact (updated 2013) Guide in my signature. The first post is the clincher. Read it thoroughly, all the way through, top to bottom. Then read it again, for good measure. Honestly, you need to stick with it. Good luck.
Author Lone Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 No. Quite the opposite. You can't be 'friends' with someone you still have feelings for. In brief - I suggest you carefully read the No Contact (updated 2013) Guide in my signature. The first post is the clincher. Read it thoroughly, all the way through, top to bottom. Then read it again, for good measure. Honestly, you need to stick with it. Good luck. R u saying I shouldn't go if she is going to be there?
Simon Phoenix Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Polite but short is the way to go. Don't shun her, but don't seek her out. And if she seeks you out, say what you need to be polite but don't expand.
Author Lone Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Guys, i absolutely hate this. ive made little to no progress in the last 2 months. I still think about her constantly and miss her so much every day. Is this normal? I need her back. Im never going to be happy by myself. All i hear on here is to make yourself happy from the inside. Ive been thinking a lot about it and well i dont think i ever have been happy by myself. ive thought I was but in comparison to the happiness i feel when i was with her i realise i was just going through the motions. Please someone, give me some advice. I need to get her back. The thought of never speaking to her again is torture. I dont want things to be weird or awkward between us. We used to be best friends and share everything with each other.... i miss her so badly. I dont want to play games. would it be wrong to tell her how i feel if i see her? i konw i probably shouldnt. So just act friendly and as if everything is alright? Tara said to read no contact guide. ive read that a dozen times over last few months. that implies i should avoid her at all costs - the main goal being to move on and accept its over- this isnt my goal, my goal is to get her back,
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) Guys, i absolutely hate this. ive made little to no progress in the last 2 months. I still think about her constantly and miss her so much every day. Is this normal? I need her back. Im never going to be happy by myself. All i hear on here is to make yourself happy from the inside. Ive been thinking a lot about it and well i dont think i ever have been happy by myself. ive thought I was but in comparison to the happiness i feel when i was with her i realise i was just going through the motions. Please someone, give me some advice. I need to get her back. The thought of never speaking to her again is torture. I dont want things to be weird or awkward between us. We used to be best friends and share everything with each other.... i miss her so badly. I dont want to play games. would it be wrong to tell her how i feel if i see her? i konw i probably shouldnt. So just act friendly and as if everything is alright? Tara said to read no contact guide. ive read that a dozen times over last few months. that implies i should avoid her at all costs - the main goal being to move on and accept its over- this isnt my goal, my goal is to get her back, You won't ever get her back unless it's something she really desperately wants as much as you do - or she comes to YOU and tells you that she desperately needs and wants to try again, because she made a dreadful mistake and you are the absolute love of her life. Other than any of the above, you really need someone - or something - to drive it home to you. It's over. It's NOT going to happen. Your aim is skewed, your view warped and your heart broken. It doesn't matter how big your goal is - if she's not aiming the ball that way, there's no way it will ever go in. if you've never been happy with yourself, then there's a flaw there somewhere, isn't there....? So why the hell would she want to go out with a flawed individual? You cannot depend on her to make your happiness for you. That is unreasonable, unfair and unacceptable. Why do you think you have the right to load that responsibility on her? New advice: Do NOT go. If you really don't believe you can handle it, or you think you'd make a prize idiot of yourself, make a fool of yourself and say something foolish, reckless and - frankly - utterly stupid - which would embarrass her and make her feel very awkward - then I would seriously consider staying as far away from her as possible. What you don't understand is that the only feasible way there might be the remotest chance of a slim possibility of getting her back - is to leave well alone, heal, move on with your life, and cultivate confidence and contentedness. Because right now, you're coming over as really needy, desperate and - sorry - pathetic. Not the kind of guy she would want to commit to, don't you think.........? Edited January 31, 2013 by TaraMaiden
Author Lone Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 I have been leaving her alone. Weve only spoken a handful of times in last 2 months. All initiated by her. We run in similar circles as i've mentioned. I dont want to lose a lot of friends because of this. So its something im going to have to deal with... I dont think i would make an idiot of myself. Id 'play it cool' and nonchalant but im just wondering if that is the best way to handle things... Seemingly so going by everyones advice. rather than making emotional declarations. We might not even speak. it might just be a hi-bye situation. i dont know. the fact that i havent heard from her breaks my heart. its been almost a month.
fancy feast Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 What you mean "what i feel like"?. I want to get her back - so of course i wont be rude. Is it important to regain some friendship before things can progress...? What I mean is that if you can't bear having a long conversation with her, then don't do it.
Author Lone Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 What I mean is that if you can't bear having a long conversation with her, then don't do it. Yea i will excuse myself if we get stuck together. I cant believe im still struggling so much with this day to day. I know its over and its pretty likely she wont return but i still want it so deeply. it consumes me. just honestly losing hope in myself and the situation. dont know what to do.
calgary Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 I have been leaving her alone. Weve only spoken a handful of times in last 2 months. All initiated by her. We run in similar circles as i've mentioned. I dont want to lose a lot of friends because of this. So its something im going to have to deal with... I dont think i would make an idiot of myself. Id 'play it cool' and nonchalant but im just wondering if that is the best way to handle things... Seemingly so going by everyones advice. rather than making emotional declarations. We might not even speak. it might just be a hi-bye situation. i dont know. the fact that i havent heard from her breaks my heart. its been almost a month. i'm going through the same thing. it's been a month, we exchanged stuff and I got friendzoned over coffee last weekend. i'm going to a club tonight with my friends that I've been going to for years and I know she'll be there. I don't know how to act or what to do. I can imagine our ex's will probably try make us jealous or get a reaction out of us.. I think the best we can do is keep to ourselves and our friends. if she see's you having a good time, happy and cheery then I think she'll see what she used to see in you. I suppose you have to look approachable. if you just imagine her to be a girl in the club you've never met before and find attractive I think you'll have a lot more chance than grabbing her and dragging her away from her friends to have a talk and declare your feelings... because that's not how you got her in the first place. but also giving it the hi's and bye's isn't natural and won't feel right on either parts.. neither does being friends. it's a horrible situation. they probably won't even care that we're there or get worked up about stuff, they'll probably just laugh about it with their friends after . I remember she was the one who came onto me in the first place she wanted me when we met, and I remember avoiding her every time she came over i'd leave after 2 mins. until she sat down with me. I don't know how you get somebody who isn't interested in you to chase you.. but maybe like I said just have fun with your friends, don't be ignorant if you make eye contact maybe give her a smile? i'm no expert I need advice on this myself. can't wait to hear what other people have to say.
Jono85 Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Lone, i don't think you're even near ready to see her. you're too emotional. unless it's a good friends birthday and very important, i don't see the point in going. also you have self-esteem problems. like someone else said above, how can you expect this girl, or any girl, to truly love you and want to be with you, when you don't even love yourself? the fact that you think you NEED her to be happy, might be the reason you lost her in the first place, and certainly won't help you to get her back. we all struggle with self-esteem at times, especially after a breakup. in many cases, including my own, it takes a LOT of hard work, effort, and most of all, time, to build yourself back up. i assure you i was as bad as you are now, if not worse off a few months ago. i cried every day. i spent whole days literally thinking about her every minute. regardless of what i did to distract myself, it was only a facade, underneath i was still in so much pain. i walked around with this inner pain with everything i did and everywhere i went. it just flat out sucked. BUT, today, and the last week or so, i'm finally starting to see progress. it's been gradual no doubt, but only lately i've really started noticing that i don't think about her nearly as much. she doesn't seem to have such a hold on me as she did a month+ ago. i haven't cried in many days. i feel i can finally start focusing on certain things, for long intervals, without getting sad/depressed about the ex. i'm finally becoming content without her. sure i still think about her a lot, but it's starting to get to the point where it's more analytical, rather than emotional. the deep/inner pain doesn't seem to be nearly as intense; went from a 9 or 10 down to a 2 or 3. it gets better. i'm not even 2 months NC. i was thinking, b/c of how bad i was, that it'd take 6+ months, at least. but i feel like as long as i don't slip up and continue to move on as if she doesn't exist anymore, that in another couple months i'll be golden. not only that, i'm improving a bunch of different things about myself, so i'll be a much better version of myself than i was when i was with her. keep on your path...you're starting to get weak, stop. you've made it 3-4 weeks without contact which is a huge accomplishment. things might not start feeling better for another few months, maybe less, maybe more. but don't risk a setback man. if she wants you back, she'll come to you.
Author Lone Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 Thanks for your words guys. Absorbing all of this.
fungusamungus Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 Guys, i absolutely hate this. ive made little to no progress in the last 2 months. I still think about her constantly and miss her so much every day. Is this normal? I need her back. Im never going to be happy by myself. All i hear on here is to make yourself happy from the inside. Ive been thinking a lot about it and well i dont think i ever have been happy by myself. ive thought I was but in comparison to the happiness i feel when i was with her i realise i was just going through the motions. Please someone, give me some advice. I need to get her back. The thought of never speaking to her again is torture. I dont want things to be weird or awkward between us. We used to be best friends and share everything with each other.... i miss her so badly.Ok... you have to understand something here. You need to learn to make yourself happy. I do not believe that you have never been happy on your own. There is just no way unless you have always been in relationships and have never really took the time to be single and figure yourself out. If that is the case, then honestly, you should just take some time to be single and find out HOW to make yourself happy. A relationship is supposed to supplement your life, not become your life. The neediness that you are showing is not only unattractive, but it makes a girl EXTREMELY uncomfortable. The moment a girl feels like she is responsible for your happiness, it puts an enormous amount of pressure on her, and she will feel suffocated. She will feel obligated to take care of your feelings and what is supposed to be a partnership devolves into a dependency. I dont want to play games. would it be wrong to tell her how i feel if i see her? i konw i probably shouldnt. So just act friendly and as if everything is alright?You can act however you want. Just take into account the consequences. No reason to ever be rude to anyone. Personally, I don't like to project negativity on anyone, but that's just me. Tara said to read no contact guide. ive read that a dozen times over last few months. that implies i should avoid her at all costs - the main goal being to move on and accept its over- this isnt my goal, my goal is to get her back,I don't really advise cutting someone out of your life as a great way to get someone back, but I also don't really advise trying to get someone back without having addressed the brunt of the issues that caused the breakup in the first place.
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2013 Posted February 1, 2013 More like a sponge than a stone I hope..... Although you can, over time, bore a hole through a stone, with a steady, constant and relentless drip, drip, drip of water. It takes millennia though. Sponges are quicker.....
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