skings Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Hi, I was wondering if it is possible for someone to heal and get over an ex without going thru the stage of anger in Ross's five stages of grieving ? "denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance " My GF and I have been broken up for close to 3 months now and have been complete NC for a month. She is the one who dumped me and I vividly remember going thru denial, depression, bargaining, and (kind of) acceptance. I would say I am definitely in a better place now than I was 2 months ago. I used to think about her every passing second but now it is more like an hour or two. My question is: while I know I am going to have her memories for ages to come, can I be considered healed or over her without going thru anger? Or is that stage fast approaching? Appreciate some inputs from pros
FailedFirstLove Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Ok everyone is different. So we will go trough different stages at different times. Sometimes a person won't go through all those stages... it's not a definet thing. You don't have to go through anger. I think acceptance is key though... You need that. If you don't accept it's over then your not healed. 1
iouaname Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Of course. The stages are based on what most people seem to experience - but they're by no means specific to every person. The only thing that actually matters in the healing process is when you feel healed. If you feel like you're healed and moved on with your life and in a happy place, then you just are. There's nothing required to get you to that point. 1
KatZee Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Yeah, of course. Especially if you guys didn't end on a bad note, and there's no bad blood. For me, anger was PIVOTAL in my healing because so much had gone on. I was angry at him and mostly myself. There was no way I would have moved on unless I got the anger out of me. Everyone's breakup is different. I never went through denial or bargaining.
grace777 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I am about 4 months out of a 3.5 year relationship. During the first two months, I for sure went through the denial, bargaining, depression, back to denial, more depression...then anger. I'm now in teetering between the depression and acceptance part. Thankfully, I'm more on the acceptance end (minus a few lapses of depression every now and again). For me the anger was key to pushing me into the no contact thing. And subsequently, NC was what ultimately lead to me to acceptance. I did a lot of research when I was super sad, during the first two months. I googled everything about relationships, breakups, etc. I was pretty much a sponge, just wanting to learn all I could about it - and especially WHEN THE HELL THE PAIN WOULD END! What I read, over and over again from various sites (including some from psychologists) said that: the "5 stages" are not always in the listed order. Further, not everyone will hit every stage at a certain point, or with the same intensity as other people. My research also stated that the stages will repeat, in no specific order and with varied intensity per stage, until the healing process is finished. In other words, until acceptance has been fully embraced.
Author skings Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 Thanks KatZee and Grace. I agree that everyone heals differently. I read through Ross's research and it clearly states that the stages are in no specific order and no set duration. I probably went thru the anger stage without even realizing it. NC helped me a great deal too and I am on NC for 30 days now. Tomorrow is her birthday and if I could go NC (which I am 99.99% sure I will), I would have no reason to contact her. Wish I came to this forum right after the BU and/or read through a bunch of articles on relationships instead of checking her FB profile literally every 3 mins. But I guess it is never too late to learn and mature
Allumere Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Hmmmm...I'd say everyone goes thru all 5 stages, but to different degrees. I get angry when I start having conversations with him in the car....no, he isn't there....stop laughing at me, its good to vent to empty car seats. I find during the course of those one way conversation that I get angry as I recall how something was handled...and I mean I get pissed. You may not stay mad, but there will be something, some trigger and in your head you will go "grrrrr" and it will pass.
stevie_23 Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I DID go through the anger stage, and it was sort of early on. But I was messed around a bit because at first I didn't even realise I'd been dumped. So I was angry right at the beginning and then I went into the denial / bargaining stage next when I realised he'd left me and thought I could convince him he was "wrong". After that, I went into an acceptance stage, and this was the first sense of "peace" I had about the situation. That was 2-3 weeks after it happened. After that, there was a bit more anger at times, fighting with the acceptance stage, on and off. I wasn't angry at him for anything apart from HOW he ended things. So...yeah. I find for me, the acceptance and depression part go a bit hand in hand. Which is a shame. I guess one day that'll change. And as everyone else has said, everyone goes through some or all of these stages in varying degrees and at different times.
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