todreaminblue Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You've approached i think both of my threads about this woman with a level head. and it was your advice that moved me in the right direction to get her to this point. so i want to ask you now. how is giving me information about what he's saying/doing a reflection on how she has an interest in me? well to me most women wouldnt volunteer information about an ex, she has more or less let you know she isnt interested in pursuing the relationship with her ex by the incredulity of what he is saying or texting to her,the fact is she is sharing that with you, now to me and in my opinion.... either she is trying to let you know she isnt going to follow up on getting back with her ex(if she was, she wouldnt tell you as if it fell through, she would look pretty silly, when you go back to an ex there is normally a lot of opposition, you tend to keep it to yourself definitely not share convos there is also a high risk for it not working out, you tend to keep communication private).....she shows him up in a bad light not a good light, if she was interested, she would frame him with a good light....she isnt doing that at all is she?...... she could also be trying to gauge your interest to see how green your eyes go, or force you into making a move....if she is a gamer....thats why i believe in my opinion...its all for you bud...... i do believe distance will give you the clarity you need , to calm yourself a little and i do believe she will ask you, why you have backed off.... as i said i do think she is interested i hope it works out for the best for both of you.....................deb 1
TheFinalWord Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 but i don't have any ill will towards her. she hasn't wronged me in that kind of way. i mean we haven't even gone out on a date I've been wondering her interest level in me and i'm pretty convinced she likes me. and is open to doing something. but rather the fact that her ex is still riding shotty in her mind is what gets me. so for my own sake she should either get back with him which is totally fine if she did. and believe me she holds the power on that one. he's been begging her to move in for weeks now. or kick him to the curb. i know they have history and she admits she really did like him for a long while they dated for a year and a half. but the man he was then and is now are night and day to her. i want to give her the time to make one of those choices and by time i mean less of me involved with her. but i don't want to be cold to her. To me, NC is not yet justified. With your situation, since there are no ill feelings (anger/jealousy) and you guys are friends, communication is in order. Right now you are assuming a lot of things. Until you specifically communicate with her and she tells you what she feels about x, y, or z, you do not know for sure. Once you are clear about her feelings, then you can decide if you want to proceed with NC. But right now, you have created an image of what she is thinking and feeling, you even have developed a mental scenario where she has unresolved feelings with her ex-bf. BTW you could be totally right. But I think you should give her a chance to explain from her perspective rather than to just say "NC for you". Give her the option to communicate first. Then, if she will not give you a response and you feel like she is stringing you along we can discuss NC strategies for daily interaction. Those situations happen a lot in work place life BTW. People that actively work to damage your reputation, people that mistreat you, work place romances that don't work out (no pun intended). The best method in these cases (building off of what Mrlonelyone said) is not NC, but rather non-intimate communication, otherwise known as being strictly professional. We can discuss that later, but I still think this is resolvable with clear, assertive communication. "Hi there, just wanted to let you know that there seems to be some kind of romantic tension between us. However, to be honest, I do not know what your feelings are about it. Sometimes I feel like you are interested in me, but you also mention your ex-bf a lot. If I am reading things incorrectly, please let me know. If I am not, than what do you want to do?" I don't know her, but something along those lines where you let her express her opinions. Right now, you're basing NC on a lot of conjecture IMHO 1
Author chrisftw Posted January 31, 2013 Author Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) To me, NC is not yet justified. With your situation, since there are no ill feelings (anger/jealousy) and you guys are friends, communication is in order. Right now you are assuming a lot of things. Until you specifically communicate with her and she tells you what she feels about x, y, or z, you do not know for sure. Once you are clear about her feelings, then you can decide if you want to proceed with NC. But right now, you have created an image of what she is thinking and feeling, you even have developed a mental scenario where she has unresolved feelings with her ex-bf. BTW you could be totally right. But I think you should give her a chance to explain from her perspective rather than to just say "NC for you". Give her the option to communicate first. Then, if she will not give you a response and you feel like she is stringing you along we can discuss NC strategies for daily interaction. Those situations happen a lot in work place life BTW. People that actively work to damage your reputation, people that mistreat you, work place romances that don't work out (no pun intended). The best method in these cases (building off of what Mrlonelyone said) is not NC, but rather non-intimate communication, otherwise known as being strictly professional. We can discuss that later, but I still think this is resolvable with clear, assertive communication. "Hi there, just wanted to let you know that there seems to be some kind of romantic tension between us. However, to be honest, I do not know what your feelings are about it. Sometimes I feel like you are interested in me, but you also mention your ex-bf a lot. If I am reading things incorrectly, please let me know. If I am not, than what do you want to do?" I don't know her, but something along those lines where you let her express her opinions. Right now, you're basing NC on a lot of conjecture IMHO just to piggy back on this. you're right it is mostly conjecture but all we have as people is our background. and previous relationships dictate how you approach all the ones you have in the future. and by experience alone any girl that brings up her ex be it in a positive or negative light isn't over them. we've all been guilty of it. it happens naturally also. you're having a conversation and you say "so and so did this and that." because it related to what you were talking about at the time and that reminded you of the ex. i think a little bit of space between us is good. i mean yesterday she was all thrills hell even today before class she was all thrills. I asked if it was cool to come over and hang out until my next class. she agreed. but i could sense an undertone in her voice that she really didn't want me to. which was made more obvious when i was at her house. she spoke all of 10 words to me while i worked on homework in the kitchen. but when she did speak she brought up the ex at least a handfull of times mostly because it related to the topic of discussion but that was it. why the sudden change in attitude? the only mistake i made here. is to emotionally involve myself with a person who is single but not quite single mentally yet. when she gets there i'll know. but i think exploring other options may be in my best intrest. and could bring her closer to me. but either way i see it. its a win win. @todreaminblue: does she frame in in a good light yes and no. the only good light she frames him in. is the fact that he has two businesses and has a nice apartment. that's it. everything else is negative or neutral. Edited January 31, 2013 by chrisftw 1
todreaminblue Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 just to piggy back on this. you're right it is mostly conjecture but all we have as people is our background. and previous relationships dictate how you approach all the ones you have in the future. and by experience alone any girl that brings up her ex be it in a positive or negative light isn't over them. we've all been guilty of it. it happens naturally also. you're having a conversation and you say "so and so did this and that." because it related to what you were talking about at the time and that reminded you of the ex. i think a little bit of space between us is good. i mean yesterday she was all thrills hell even today before class she was all thrills. I asked if it was cool to come over and hang out until my next class. she agreed. but i could sense an undertone in her voice that she really didn't want me to. which was made more obvious when i was at her house. she spoke all of 10 words to me while i worked on homework in the kitchen. but when she did speak she brought up the ex at least a handfull of times mostly because it related to the topic of discussion but that was it. why the sudden change in attitude? the only mistake i made here. is to emotionally involve myself with a person who is single but not quite single mentally yet. when she gets there i'll know. but i think exploring other options may be in my best intrest. and could bring her closer to me. but either way i see it. its a win win. @todreaminblue: does she frame in in a good light yes and no. the only good light she frames him in. is the fact that he has two businesses and has a nice apartment. that's it. everything else is negative or neutral. in my opinion the more neutral or lack of emotive response shown the better....the more negative or positive responses ........denotes passion there unresolved..........deb
Author chrisftw Posted February 1, 2013 Author Posted February 1, 2013 in my opinion the more neutral or lack of emotive response shown the better....the more negative or positive responses ........denotes passion there unresolved..........deb That makes sense. Shes a strange one during our day drinking she went to the bathroom and came out with her hair down because she knows I like it down the previous day she asked me hair up or down. Then today she seemed Icey. The thing about us is. We are in a floating limbo state we aren't 'friends' in a sense but we also aren't romantically involved. However she always referred to us as we. And when I'm talking to other school buddies and she's with me she'll answer a question directed at me herself for me. Something a girlfriend would do. Not trying to be this girls rebound guy either and maybe that's why she keeps her distance. Lol I always land the complicated ones.
Author chrisftw Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 i saw a few people who liked this thread not sure if anybody was following it. but i always like to know the end or resolution of a rather curious journey. so i decided to distance myself with her and i began as of the Wednesday. i feel this was a smart move. because the crushing feeling you get when you're the rebound guy and they split off from you to get back with the ex is a feeling you have to stay on guard from. still even with walls up the blow could still be felt each time she brought up the ex. she brings him up in a negative and positive way mostly. like there's some kinda swirling confliction in her head. @todreaminblue she was pretty transparent with me. it was me that decided to get invested i should have kept my distance from her when she started to get closer to me. she told me she used to love this guy a lot. and that things went bad pretty quickly and it was he who ended it with her. she even stated nobody has EVER broke up with her in her life. the details of that are faint i only know her side though. but the breakup is fresh. Only 3 months IF THAT to this day. Will she decide to go back with him. not sure now. at first i was certain it wouldn't happen. but now it seems plausible. the increasing ex talk was a sign. them hanging out once in awhile and him posting pictures of her was a sign. its hard to think a guy who was saying off the wall bat crazy stuff about how he should have got her pregnant to entrap her to be his forever can still pull ahead. But maybe she likes the idea.. i'm literally face palming myself right now. its kinda funny though you put up a wall to save yourself from the explosion and you still get hurt. but that's what happens when you play with fire. But the gut is always right especially mine.. its never been wrong. my gut says she needs me to stay back. but my gut also says she likes me. just not enough 'in that way' to split ties with him. i think she enjoys my company when its outside the realm of her ex ever finding out we even hung out. which is why she is different at school than at home. and probably why we don't hang out outside of school unless it involves school in some sense. (we went day drinking because we had to finish a project and took a break) I'm her guilty pleasure. which is why i say we aren't 'friends' in a sense but we enjoy each others company at school but it seems that's where it ends. because us hanging out in a natural environment means i can be spotted by her friends. or even her ex. and since i'm not the loveable brother friendzone guy. mentally to prevent that she just chooses to hang with me in a safety zone. 'school'. which i suppose is a good thing because i managed to attract a seriously sexy woman. one who i thought wasn't even possible for me to attract especially at my age. this gives me something to shoot for with others . and who knows she'll come around. but for now its back to the way we were before we started getting close. that was something we were both comfortable with. i need a drink
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 2, 2013 Posted February 2, 2013 Wait... you guys are taking the same classes? That sucksssss.
Author chrisftw Posted February 2, 2013 Author Posted February 2, 2013 Wait... you guys are taking the same classes? That sucksssss. yeah she insisted before last semester ended that we schedule up. Bad idea. that was like the equivalence of me asking for a beat down. in fact we've been in the same classes now for the past 6 semesters. that's 3 years. it was only semester 4 started getting close. and semester 5 was when the broke up. semester 6 just started. (which is where she started calling me, texting randomly out of the blue inviting me to hang out at her house etc..) so we're talking a 3 month span MAYBE they've been apart. i mean i'm cool with the situation. that's one reason she likes me i'm level headed. actually that's the reason a lot of people guys/girls like me. sh*t happens. yeah it sucks. but i don't get bent out of shape. about anything. maybe i'm just used to everything disappointing me and that i may just have a heart attack if something goes right. lol. haha it kinda reminds me of this story that happend with my ex roomate. this girl kept saying "creepy mike" was texting her. some 'dude' she broke up with. she built it up to. 'OMG creepy mike is STIILLLL texting me'.. yeah she married the guy. LOL and my roomate was just the rebound guy.
Author chrisftw Posted February 6, 2013 Author Posted February 6, 2013 i thought this would be a pretty funny update. I've been pretty distant towards this female. about as distant as she's been with me lately. there was always tension in the classroom because we didn't really say anything outside of official communication. giving each other help on design research and some layout suggestions etc.. well today. she comes into class a little tipsy. I've noticed that she's been on a renegade streak recently since going sorta cold on me. she was acting really outgoing towards me. smiling brightly looking right into my eyes. and i noticed when i was standing up giving a presentation when i turned around. she was staring at my crotch then she looked up at me and said she liked the presentation. then as we were walking out of class she literally drilled me on out of all the girls i talk to at school she's the prettiest/hottest one. i'm like.. well are you talking about girls i associate with on a daily basis. and she went no that's not fair. i said here at school. i'm the prettiest girl you talk to/know. i'm refusing to play into her game as she fishes for compliments. and she's like c'mon you know you find me attractive. i said.. sooo is this the part where i'm supposed to say yes? she's like YES!. i'm like well yes then. although you narrowed it down to a small number of women. because i find most of the girls here boring and uninteresting. then a friend of mine calls me for something while i'm walking with her to our cars. and he mentions something which i will not mention here. and i say sure i'm open this weekend we'll meet up here and do it up. She immediately invites herself "can i come?" i said sure.. i'll let you know though throw you a text or something this weekend. and she proceeded to relay her entire schedule to me. i've also noticed that she has been hard pressed to be friendlier to my school friends that i actually consider friends and trying to know them on deeper levels joke with them more. these are men she has SOME association with but not near the level i have. (we're all in the same degree). And after coming back from a break i decided not to go. she says i saw XXX and i told him to text you. i'm like uhh thanks? why do i get the feeling this girl is mulling her ex and me over in her head. its like she's playing "who am i going to sleep with on a regular basis" game.
MrCastle Posted February 6, 2013 Posted February 6, 2013 why do i get the feeling this girl is mulling her ex and me over in her head. its like she's playing "who am i going to sleep with on a regular basis" game. I don't know where you're getting that feeling either. As an outsider looking in, you are in the friend zone big time. I'm going by the initial thread you made about this girl, and the first post in this thread, so if there have been any updates from a physical standpoint, my apologies. But if not, this girl is just playing you. 22-23 year olds are not the model of maturity and she's proving that now. She seems like a massive attention whore and only comes calling when you ice her (which is what you should be doing). But then she butters you up enough that you stroke her ego yet again. She is not deciding between you and her ex. You are her friend. Someone she uses when she wants an ego boost. If you guys hook up I will be the first to admit I was wrong but from what you're telling me, you are not in the running. You may think you are, and it happens to the best of us. But if she was considering sleeping with you, it would have happened already. If not sex outright, a kiss, at the very least.
Recommended Posts